Almost but not forever

Chapter 6 The Things She Couldn’t Say

By the time Lily fully admitted her feelings to herself, everything else became harder. Not impossible, just heavier. Every conversation carried meaning now. Every smile felt like something she wanted to hold on to a little longer than she should. And the worst part was that nothing had actually changed between them. Ethan was still the same. Easy, kind, unaware. It made everything more confusing.

The next morning, Lily stood in front of her mirror longer than usual. She adjusted her hair, then adjusted it again, then stepped back like she was trying to see herself the way someone else would. She didn’t usually care this much. That was what bothered her. After a moment, she sighed softly and picked up her bag. “It’s just school,” she told herself quietly. But it didn’t feel like just school anymore.

When she got to class, Ethan wasn’t there yet. That shouldn’t have meant anything, but it did. She sat down by the window, placing her bag beside her, her eyes drifting to the door more times than she could count. Sophie noticed immediately. “You’re waiting,” she said. Lily didn’t look at her. “I’m not.” Sophie leaned closer. “You are. And it’s obvious.” Lily exhaled quietly. “Can you not start?” Sophie smiled slightly. “I’m not starting anything. I’m just watching you slowly lose your mind.” Lily gave her a look, but before she could respond, the door opened.

Ethan walked in, slightly late this time, running a hand through his hair as he stepped inside. His eyes scanned the room quickly before settling on her. And just like that, Lily felt that familiar shift again, like everything had quietly fallen back into place. He walked over and dropped into the seat beside her. “Morning,” he said, catching his breath. “Morning,” she replied, trying to sound normal. He glanced at her briefly. “You look tired.” She frowned slightly. “Do I?” “A little,” he said. “Late night?” She hesitated. “Something like that.” He nodded, not pushing further, and for a moment she was grateful.

The lesson started, but Lily found it harder to focus than usual. She was aware of him in a way she hadn’t been before. The small movements, the quiet sounds, even the way his arm brushed lightly against hers when he reached for his pen. It was nothing, probably accidental, but it made her freeze for a second. She hated that it affected her this much. She hated that she couldn’t control it.

At one point, their teacher asked a question, and Ethan leaned slightly toward her. “Do you know this one?” he whispered. Lily nodded faintly and answered, her voice steady even though her thoughts weren’t. When she finished, he smiled. “See? Smart.” The word stayed with her longer than it should have.

After class, they walked out together again. It had become something unspoken, something neither of them questioned. Outside, the air was colder than usual, and Lily wrapped her arms around herself slightly. Ethan noticed. “You’re always cold,” he said. “I’m not always cold,” she replied. He raised an eyebrow. “You are right now.” She didn’t argue. Instead, he shrugged off his hoodie and held it out to her. “Here.” Lily looked at it, then at him. “You don’t have to.” “I know,” he said. “Take it.” She hesitated for a second before taking it, the fabric warm from him. “Thanks,” she said quietly. “Don’t mention it,” he replied.

They continued walking, and for a while, neither of them spoke. Lily focused on the feeling of the hoodie around her, the faint scent that made her more aware of him than she wanted to be. It was such a small thing, but it felt too personal. She didn’t know what to do with that.

“So,” Ethan said after a moment, breaking the silence, “what were you writing yesterday?” Lily glanced at him. “Nothing.” He smiled slightly. “You always say that.” “Because it’s true.” “I don’t believe you,” he said. She looked ahead. “You don’t have to.” He studied her for a second, then sighed lightly. “One day, you’ll show me.” Lily didn’t respond, but something about the way he said it made her think that maybe, eventually, she would.

When they reached her street, she stopped like she always did. “You don’t have to walk me every day,” she said suddenly. Ethan looked at her, slightly confused. “I know.” “Then why do you?” she asked before she could stop herself. He paused for a second, like he hadn’t expected the question. Then he shrugged. “I don’t know. I just do.” The answer wasn’t clear, but it was honest. And somehow, that made it harder to ignore everything she was feeling.

“Okay,” she said quietly. “See you tomorrow.” “Tomorrow,” he repeated. This time, when she walked away, she didn’t look back. Not because she didn’t want to, but because she knew if she did, it would only make things worse.

That night, she sat at her desk with her notebook open in front of her. She stared at the blank page for a long time before finally picking up her pen. She didn’t plan what she was going to write. She just let the words come. They weren’t perfect, and they didn’t make complete sense, but they were honest. More honest than anything she had said out loud. When she finished, she read over the page once, then closed the notebook quickly, like she was afraid of her own thoughts.

Because now she knew something she couldn’t unknow.

She had fallen for him.

And she had no idea what to do about it.