Found My Heart

"Before"

22 years earlier...                                                                                 

                                                                                          (Abby) 

    "Mommy, Daddy! Stop! My sides are hurting!" I am laughing at my mommy and daddy as they are singing so badly ON PURPOSE! I never really understand why they do this, but I think it is to make me happy. They like to hear me laugh and be happy. I like making them happy, so I keep laughing at them, even when their not funny. This time they are REALLY funny though. 

    "You don't like our duet?" Mommy looks at me over the top of her seat. "I thought we were doing really great! Don't you, Daddy?" She looks at my Daddy, who smiles widely at her. I see the pretty red light through the big front window on the car, and it looks like Christmas, all red and shiny. 

    "I think we should try out for one of those televised singing shows, and then all Ally-Cup's friends could see how amazing we are. Do you think they show those to kids in Preschool?"  Daddy has the best smile, and I think Mommy thinks so too. She smiles back at him like Cinderella smiles at her Prince in the movie. I see the light turn from red to green, and my dad faces the road and starts the car moving. I am so excited that we are going to the doctor's office. We get to see the new baby today, and I am so excited to see my new little brother or sister. I don't know how they do that with it in Mommy's belly, but Mommy told me that I could come see the baby today too. I am so excited. 

    Suddenly, Dad yells at my mom, and she is reaching back to push me back in my car seat. She looks scared, but I don't know why. I look toward Daddy, and I see a car hit our car in Daddy's door. I feel the car start to turn over, and...nothing. 

    Everything is so quiet. I don't hear anything, and I can't see anything either. I don't know what is going on. Where is Mommy and Daddy?   

    "Mommy?" I say. I hear nothing in response. "Daddy?" I try again, but still nothing. Where are they? 

    "It's okay, honey. We are going to take good care of you. Don't be afraid." I hear a strange voice, but I don't know who they are. Mommy and Daddy always told me to stay away from strangers. 

    "No!" I yell. "Mommy! Daddy!" I try to move, but I can't. It's so dark, and I am scared, and I can't move. I don't know what is going on! Suddenly there is a bright light, and the darkness is gone. I was trapped under my car seat against Mommy's seat. That's why I couldn't see, and I notice it is dark outside. It wasn't dark before? What happened? I can see now, but all I can see is the seat and floor board. Then I am moving backward, and I am being pulled out of the car. I can see now, but I don't want to. "Mommy? Daddy?" I ask them, hoping they will tell me what is going on. I can see them still in their seats, but they aren't moving. They don't respond or move. They must be asleep. Maybe I should yell louder. "MOMMY! DADDY!" They still don't move. 

    In my mind I see a picture of my goldfish that Daddy said was sick. He stopped swimming one day last week, and he wouldn't move no matter how much I yelled at him or tapped on the glass bowl. Daddy said he went to Fish Heaven. Mommy and Daddy look like my goldfish, but like Mommy and Daddy. Did they go to People Heaven? If they went to Heaven, they won't come back! I close my eyes so I won't see them, and cry. I am so scared. I don't know what is going on, or if my parents are okay. What about the baby? It is still in Mommy's belly, so will it be okay? 

    People are talking to me. I see flashing lights, but I don't hear any sound. What does that mean? I thought when Police cars and the Hospital Vans run their lights, they have loud sounds too. These don't have any sounds, but there are lots of people. They are working on Mommy and Daddy's car, which is on the roof against a light pole. There is another car against Daddy's door, and it has pushed Daddy and his seat into Mommy's. The Policemen and the Firefighters are cutting our car in half. Mommy would be so mad, she loves this car. There is a man sitting on one of the Hospital Vans, he has a bandage on his head, and he looks like his arm is bent wrong. He looks okay other than that. He looks sleepy actually, and angry. Was he in the other car? Why did he let his car hit us like that? 

    "Honey? Can you hear me?" The strange voice is talking to me. I hadn't been paying attention to what was going on to me. I look toward the voice for the first time now. It is a woman. She is beautiful. She has blue eyes and dark brown hair. She is pretty. I reach up to touch her pretty hair. She smiles at me, and speaks to me again. "Hi. I'm Sarah. Can you tell me your name?" 

    "Abigail, but Mommy calls me Abby-girl. Daddy calls me Ally-Cup." I look back at the car, where they are finally pulling Mommy from the car. She is covered in red and her head looks like it is hanging funny. Sarah moves to stand in front of the car, and looks me in my face. 

   "What would you like me to call you?" She asks softly. 

    "Abby is fine. All my other friends at school and my Nana call me that to. She also calls me her little angel, but I think Abby would be better for you, since your not my Nana." Sarah smiles at me and nods. 

    "I think that is a good idea. So, Abby, can you tell me if you are hurting anywhere? Does your head hurt, or your back, legs, or arms?" She is removing a small white flashlight from her shirt pocket as she asks me this. 

    "Not my arms or legs. My back hurts a little, but my head hurts. I have a headache right here." I move my hand up to touch the spot on the front of my head that hurts, but Sarah stops me from touching my head. 

    "I think I see just where you mean. Can you hold really still, and just moving your eyes, can you follow this light. Now, just move your eyes not your head. Can you do that for me Abby?" I nod at her, and watch the light with just my eyes. I want to do this just right, so she will be happy with me. 

    "Great job, Abby. Now, can you reach out and touch the end of my finger with this hand?" Sarah taps my right hand. I do as she asks, and then she moves her finger, and I do it again. We do this in a big circle, then we do this with the other hand. She tells me great job each time I do it right. Then she asks me if I can stand up, on one leg, and then the other leg. She then lets me sit down, and she sits back down in front of me. Sarah looks back over her shoulder, and I see her frown. She looks back at me, and she has tears in her eyes. She must be sad.

    "It's okay, Sarah. Don't be sad. It will be okay. Mommy always tells me that when I feel sad, I talk to the angels and they can help make me feel happy again. Then she gives me a big hug, and that helps too." I lean forward and give Sarah a hug to help her feel better. She hugs me back, real tight. Then she pulls away and looks at me, and says we are all going to the hospital. She is going to ride with me in the ambulance. "What's an am-boo-lance?" 

    Sarah smiles at me, and makes a small laugh. "An am-bew-lance?" It's this truck we are in. It takes people to the hospital that can't go there on their own." 

    "Oh! The Hospital Van! It's an am-bew-lance?" I say the word slowly and clearly to get it right. 

    "Exactly right! Great work! Yes, it's an ambulance and we are going to go there in this one. Your mommy and daddy are going in a different one. Okay? Then we can talk on the way there. I have a gift for you in here, too. Does that sound good?" I nod at her. She picks me up and takes me into the van and sits me on the table with a sheet on it. Then she goes back and closes the doors. "Brad? You ready?" She calls out. A voice from the front calls back. Then we are moving. Sarah takes out some doctor tools and uses them to get information just like the doctor from them about me. Then she opens a small drawer under the seat and pulls out a beautiful white teddy bear. "This is for you. He has been in there a long time. I just know you will be the perfect friend for him to live with. We have been looking for just the right little girl to take care of him for a long time. Can you do that? He's all alone and needs someone to take care of him." I nod at her, but I never take my eyes off the bear. 

    "What's his name?" I take him gently in my arms and then I hug him so tight. 

    "He doesn't have one. That's why he needs a home. No one has ever given him a name and he needs a good home." 

    "Did anyone ask him what his name is? Maybe he already has one, and no one has asked him what it is yet." 

    Sarah's face scrunches up, thinking. "You know, I don't think any of us have thought to do that. That is a great idea." 

    "Hello," I say to my new bear. "I'm Abby. What's your name? Do you have one? My friend Sarah said that no one has asked you yet." I look at the bear, and wait. Sometimes new stuffed animals are too afraid to talk to you at first. It takes a while, and its hard because they talk from their mind to yours. You have to listen very carefully. Then I hear it, very softly, and I laugh. "Oh! That does make a difference. That explains it. So, what's your name?" I wait again, and I hear the bear talking quietly in my mind again. "Oh, that's perfect. Thank you." I look at Sarah and I smile at her. "Well. That settles it. This bear has a problem." 

    "What's that?" Sarah asks me with a very concerned look on her face. 

    "It's a GIRL BEAR!" I giggle, and so does Sarah. 

    "Well, that is a problem. We have been calling her a him! No wonder we didn't know what HER name was. Does she say she has one?" 

    "Yes. It's perfect. Her name is ANGEL! Isn't that the best bear name for a girl bear that is white like she is?" 

    "Yes, it is the BEST name for a white girl teddy bear that could every be. Well, now you and Angel have each other. And you won't have to hunt for a friend again." 

    "Nope. We have each other. I think Mommy and Daddy will love her." I look at Sarah and see a sad look go across her face. I look at the back doors and ask my question very quietly. "Sarah, my Mommy and Daddy were very still and I know sometimes that means that someone has gone to People Heaven. Did my Mommy and Daddy go to People Heaven?" I feel tears roll down my face again. I look at Sarah's face and I see tears in her eyes too. I think I know the answer now, but I still feel very sad when she answers. 

    "Yes, baby. I am so sorry." Tears start falling down my face heavier and faster now. I squeeze Angel and I close my eyes real tight. I feel Sarah sit on the covered table with me, and she hugs me to her tightly too. I cry into Angel's fur, and I hear her whisper in mind that she is here for me. I don't know how long we were like that, but I know that I was still like that when we pulled up to the hospital and they put me in a wheelchair. Sarah walks with me and I hold tight to her hand, and the person that drove us pushed my chair. They put me on the doctor table in a little room, and they both act like they are leaving. I don't want Sarah to leave me. 

    "Sarah, please don't leave me. Can you please stay with me?" I hold her hand tightly and ask quietly. Sarah looks at the other person and they both nod at each other. The other man leaves, and Sarah sits on the bed next to me. 

    "Abby, can I ask you some questions before the doctor get here? I was going to ask you in the ambulance, but I know you were really upset. I know why, and I know you still are, but I have to ask some questions, okay?" I nod and hug Angel tighter, and Sarah pulls away her hand easily. She picks up the board and papers from the table next to her, and takes a pen out of her pocket. "Okay, Abby. These are not hard, okay. You will do great. Just answer as best you can. Okay?" I nod again. "First, can you tell me your WHOLE name?" 

    "Abigail Nora-Jean Whitry." 

    "That's beautiful. Is your middle name one name, or two? Do you know?" 

    "It is the same as my Nana's name. Her name is Nora-Jean Whitry. She has another name, but I don't 'member it. My name and her name both have a line in the middle between Nora and Jean. Mommy showed me one time how to write it out. I just don't know how to do it yet." 

    "Okay. Like this?" She shows me, and its exactly like Mommy showed me. I nod at her. "Next question. Can you tell me how old you are? And do you know your birthday?" 

    "I am 4 years old. I have been 4 years old for 3 months. My birthday is February 11." 

    "Wow! You are so big and smart." I smile at her a little. "My next question might be a little harder. Maybe you can answer it though, because you are so smart. Do you know your address?" 

    "I don't, but my coat does. Mommy wrote my address in the back on the little white box." I pull my coat down in the back to show her. She writes down the address. 

    "Great. Next question is the last one. Okay? Who do you stay with when Mommy and Daddy go somewhere without you? Do they do that?" I nod. "Okay, so who do you stay with when they do that?" 

    "My Nana is the only other person in our family. My Mommy was 'dopted, so she don't have any family, and my Daddy's dad went to Heaven when he was just a little boy." 

    "So, Nana's name is Nora-Jean Whitry? Does that sound right?" I nod. "Okay, we are going to try get a hold of Nana for you. I am going to take this out to the Nurse and then be right back with the Nurse and Doctor, okay?" I nod at her and she walks out quickly. When she comes back she has a nurse and doctor with her. 

    Time seems to move quickly, and soon I am put into a regular room to wait on Nana. So many people come in and out, but Sarah doesn't leave me and Angel is always whispering that I will be okay and she is with me. I feel quiet inside, like nothing is moving or working. My mind seems quiet, too. Soon the door to the room opens and a police officer steps inside and Nana follows behind him. She walks to Sarah first, asking her some questions very quietly. I look out the door, and I see a bright set of blue eyes. It is a boy. He is older than me, and he is dressed like he is going to school, but its too late for that. He looks sad too, and he is looking at me. I feel a strong pull to go to him. Before I can say anything though, the door is shut and Nana is hugging me and we are both crying. 

    I don't know what is going to happen to us, but I have Nana and Angel with me. Sarah is my friend now too, and that boy. I feel like I need that boy too.