The Night I Woke Up Beside You

[SEASON 1] Chapter 18.5: THE INFIDELITY

[Charles' POV]

INTERSECTION

"This will be the last, huh?”

We are now walking from ES street to AV, savoring the last few minutes left until we separate. Not much to pursue, in fact, it’s just about two blocks away. However, the walking distance in between feels like miles longer. It was better, even if it was basked in silence. And she wasn’t saying anything, my question still hung over the air like a ticking time bomb. 

Then after a while, she suddenly says, “I like afternoons.”

It was so out of the blue. I didn’t know where it actually came from. But as I mulled over her words, watching our feet move each step forward, I suddenly became more aware of afternoons. The buzzing sound from the streets, the gloomy bright light of the sky, and the sun peeking over the clouds awaiting to leave the day. I feel nostalgic. I suddenly thought afternoons seemed like it wasn't bad at all, despite the traffic and the horns blaring around us, I didn’t feel annoyed. Because when she said she liked it, I started liking it too…

“Yeah,” I agreed in a murmur. Sounding dumb, as I kicked a little rock down the path near my foot.

She smiled at my word, her usual expression, skipping over a dented cement on the sidewalk. Her pixie-cut hair brushed up from the wind blowing around us. 

“I like this,” she added. “It’s way better than mornings.”

I nodded with satisfaction while watching her, oblivious of everything else.

Little by little, the mood between us sifted from glum to indifference and into comfort. I wanted to reach for her hand, but I was too chicken to act on it. Her white wrists have been peeking beneath the short sleeves of her blue sweater, tempting me to cover it with my tanned hand. But the coward in me still stayed where I was because I didn’t want to make her feel more awkward than we already had. Instead, I just waited for her to say anything again but she returned silently. AV street suddenly looked too far and unreachable. I wished we didn't have to stop there. But as the light around us continuously went dimmer, I feel like I am about to run out of time.

I turned to her as we slowed down on a narrow road, wanting to say something. But nothing came out. I simply ran out of words to say. It was a disturbing feeling while wishing we didn’t have to part.

Can we still have a chance?

The question was just at the tip of my tongue, but I didn’t want to say it out loud only to sound so bad, pathetic, and clingy. I already knew she was going to forget me. She will want to do that because she needs to. I needed that too. We both agreed this was only temporary. Temporary means it wasn’t worth a memory that lasts forever.

But does it really have to be that way? Why does something so wrong suddenly felt so right and wonderful? Do we really need to stop here? Did she even have an ounce of feelings for me? That’s the only question.  Tch. Why am I even thinking about all of this?

Anyway, there was nothing I can do now. This was how it should end between us. Assurance has never been a part of the plan. It was all in vain… Temporary bliss. A mistake, to admit.

With every step, we pursued the finish line as we went nearer and nearer to where the period of our short yet meaningful sentence awaited like a deadline, her entire warmth beside me slowly began to fade from my grasp. I didn’t want to be overly dramatic and emotional about this departure but at this moment I just can’t understand myself anymore. To even think that it would be so easy to end it all, was a very bad assumption. I knew I had to let go of this affair... But something inside me just wouldn't go with it.

I started to reminisce the look in her eyes during those few nights we had spent just staring into each other. I recalled the smell of her hair when it covered my nose after I woke up with her next to me, snuggled close to my chest. She was never mine, but for some reason, I had hoped she was.

But as I looked into the face of this beautiful creature, walking nonchalantly beside me, I can’t help but feel disappointed. She did not seem like she was even affected at all. She kept a smile on her face, unaware of my attention. And I felt like I wanted to cry because I know the end is just a few more moments near. She will soon be just a part of my today… A yesterday that I can no longer go back to. And damn if I wasn’t so bad at saying farewells.

Too unfortunate somehow, that she was too great at them.

It’s so annoying, that even from the start, I knew we already drew the line. She was never for me in the taking. I was never hers. We were blindly going with this temptation, trying to run away from our own responsibilities. She even said it the first time, that whatever this was--this thing between us--it will all going to pass because we knew it was doomed before it can even begin. We have to part ways. But I wish I didn’t have to agree on that. Because by now, unaware of what I got myself into, I didn’t realize that agreeing with her would be like driving into a wall with her whole presence pasted all over it.

I silently mulled over this as I began to gaze at her lips moving softly while it mumbled little words she whispers to no one--must be a song again. And I tried not to think that I won’t ever kiss those lips again. There was too much to lose now, and the feeling of being abandoned by this person swallowed me into a pit of regrets.

Why is it that she doesn’t look sad about this? Not even a hint of resentment or guilt? Doubt or regret? I wish I could smile just like her and say, “Goodbye”, without tears in my eyes.

How cold could she really be? To be so carefree like this as if nothing had happened in the past few months we’ve spent together? Didn’t she feel the warmth in every embrace we shared? The want from every kiss? The need in every cuddle and happiness from every laugh?

To be cold like that, how can she share intimacy like it’s so much and leave it like it’s too little?

“But I like nights better.”

She stopped now, we’re standing just a few steps away from the signpost. AV STREET.

“I like it better than afternoons. It’s the most bittersweet,” she told me with finality.

Not for me. I don’t feel the same. Maybe if she had said that a while ago, I would have said I love it too. But the appeal had lost on me. Her smile doesn’t look enticing anymore. Now, underneath the signpost, she just became a normal face again. A face I might not recognize in the future if we ever walk past each other with our own lives no longer intertwined like this. The bitter taste of heartache kept me numb as I gaze back at her, her eyes shone along with the blinks of the streetlights.

She was beautiful before. And she might take away a certain piece of my heart but I already know it wasn’t worth it.

“This is me now.” she moved with uncertainty. But she still looked unaffected, as if she was just waiting for me to acknowledge her words. 

I just nodded. No bye. No kisses. No hug. I just nodded. 

And then, finally, she turned away and started walking into the throngs of people, all of whom were oblivious of this last moment. I only watched her silently, just for a mere few seconds, before deciding to finally let it go.

I took my time though, walking slowly. And with every step, my feelings resurfaced one by one as they begin to burn out from memory. 

Her eyes. Her lips. Her taste. Her legs. Her chest. Her hair. Her smile. Her laughter. Her voice. They slowly passed through my mind, reminding me of those moments. And as I eagerly stepped into a corner, I swiftly picked out a cigarette from my pocket and lit it to smoke.

There was nothing special this evening. But at least tonight, I liked how the stars didn’t cover the sky. It was better than the nights she said she liked me so much. Better than the feeling of guilt and disappointment... for being a cheater.