The Night I Woke Up Beside You

[SEASON 1] Chapter 12: Who Is On Your Mind?

"Hey."

His voice.

It was just yesterday when she first had a real conversation with him. Not just a casual talk, but really real conversation, with feelings and thoughts and sentiments. And now, they were almost at the comfortable stage where he would just suddenly popped out of nowhere and greet her like that... Like a friend.

"Hey," Regina uttered back, but not with the same enthusiasm as he had. She was walking with a faraway look on her face, not even a smile. No nothing. She was just staring at something no one can ever really see. Ryan watched her for a second and felt a little curious to know why she was looking that way. But he tried to make some small talk, taking the space beside her as they headed down the sidewalks, on their way home from school.

"So, we're walking again."

Why was he there? Regina did not even really understand the point of this all now. She had already decided to stop being friends with him. So why was he there?

"Yeah, we are." But she still replied, out of habit. And he could quickly tell she was feeling a bit down.

"You're not in the mood, huh?"

"No," Regina answered too tightly, still avoiding to spare him a glance, as she added, "I'm just tired."

"Okay..." Ryan shrugged back, putting both of his hands in the front pockets of his denim jeans, trying to read and feel out the atmosphere between them because it suddenly felt a little heavy and awkward. Then he inquired, almost out of concern, "Am I... Am I disturbing you right now? Do you want me to...?"

He really did not want to go, but it seemed like she did not like the company this time, but Ryan waited.

"It's okay, Ryan," she told him eventually, sighing. And she realized, she actually did not want to push him away, "You don't have to go."

"Okay."

And after that, the silence followed. And neither one of them tried saying anything. Regina chose to focus on the road, Ryan idly stared at the view of the streets they were passing by. The afternoon was a little comforting, the wind blowing over their faces, autumn was going colder this month. The winter was nearing, the feeling of having some company was quite reassuring this time as they walked side by side. Shoulders swaying just a few mere inches apart. Their steps in sync with each other, that it almost seemed like they had been doing this every afternoon. Minutes ticked on, and as if finally feeling the need to talk, Regina spoke again.

"Why are you so nice to me?" she asked, her voice sounding a little distant, it was not a demanding question. It was a question that she was a little bothered to find an answer to and dared to ask.

"What?" Ryan tried to act a little in denial. He was not really sure how to answer that though, but he knew what she said. Heard her clearly, but did not try to answer it directly.

"You... you've been really nice to me..." Regina went on, "Ever since that night. I'm just curious." Then she finally glanced his way, and she had been surprised to see that he was actually looking at her all this time. His eyes seeped into hers, the black abyss consuming her.

"Why are you nice?" she dumbly repeated the question, as if trying to get some sense to herself then she shyly looked away, afraid that if she had looked much longer, she would have done something she would really regret.

"Well, you're..." he trailed off, but stopped as if something had hit him. Then he frowned to himself, unable to continue his words. So he said nothing else. But Regina had been waiting.

"What? I'm what?" she probed, glancing at him again.

"Charles..." Ryan said out loud as if trying to think it was the only thing in his mind. Convincing himself, that it was the very reason why he was nice to her, "He's my friend, so... I felt a little responsible."

Really? Was that the best thing you could think of, Ryan? Ryan's jaw hardened as he shut off that voice. Shut up.

"You just felt responsible?" Regina muttered back, smiling but not meaning it as she nodded her head, "Well, I think since I'm no longer with Charles, it would be better if we try not to be too involved with each other now."

Ryan paused, his feet glued on the pavement. Falling behind her, he stopped and stared at the sight of her back, slowly walking away. And when she noticed that he halted, she stopped too and turned to look at him.

"What are you saying?" he found himself asking her, his words uttered in a hollowed whisper. His face was unreadable. Just like him... a complete mystery.

"Eleanor talked to me," Regina replied and it was enough to conclude what had happened and why she was talking this way. And Ryan's lips thinned at the reminder of Eleanor. Did she say something to Regina?

"She talked to you?"

"Yeah," Regina's eyes squinted as she faced him with her arms crossed over her chest, looking quite serious now, "You two are together, right?"

So, that was it. Ryan could not decide whether to humor her or explain the real deal. But he did not want to say something that would ruin her entire day, so he tried to explain it all instead.

"About that..."

"I'm going to end this," Regina cut him off before he could even say anything though. And Ryan tried to open his mouth again, but she added, "We shouldn't be friends, Ryan."

"What?" Ryan bit out, finding that quite ridiculous. And he took a daring step forward to face her head-on, their distance closing in. "Now, let's not get ahead of ourselves."

But Regina was slipping away. Her eyes looked pained, conflicted, confused, and she was biting her lip as if she was trying hard not to let her real emotions out. What was on her mind? What was she thinking? Why was she pushing him away?

"This..." he heard her say in a softer voice, as she looked away and kept her eyes fixed to the side of the street, "You already know it was over when I got off the car yesterday, Ryan. We're never going to be friends."

She never meant it. He could just tell and he was not going to believe it. 

"Listen, Regina. It's not what y--"

"I'm not..." She was shaking her head, trying to reject his words. Trying to ignore his explanation. Then she said, "I'm not that kind of girl, Ryan. I don't know why we're even here now. It was my fault, of course. I made you involved. But it's got to stop now. We need to go back to how it was."

"How it was?" Ryan echoed, his voice was now dripping with strong disapproval and disappointment, "And what was it before? What are we before this, Regina? Enlighten me."

Nothing. They were nothing. They were strangers. He never talked to her before. She never dared to look at him before. They just knew each other by names, not like this. Not this close. Not this deep.

"Ryan..." She could only say that word, afraid that she might say more than she should. And when she tried to look at him, she regretted it instantly. This was hard, but he was not letting it go. Why were they even talking about this?

"We're friends," Ryan said, his eyes turning soft. It was the only feature of him that had turned soft as it seemed to slip off from that hard exterior that he had put up around him. And it was now mirroring his real feelings. And she felt it, but she had to ignore it. 

"No," she found herself saying back, shaking her head, taking a deep breath, before adding, as if almost forcing herself to say it, "We almost could be. But, no. You know, it's not possible."

"Do I even have a say in this?"

His question was spoken out of disagreeable dismay. He had sounded a bit more dejected and probably, he was not used to being pushed away. He did not like that he wasn't the one ending it. But she knew they had to.

And as she stared into his eyes, she tried to speak through her gaze. You are in love with Eleanor. You two are meant to be together. If you didn't die that time... You could have. I won't have. Charles wouldn't have. This entire conversation would have never even happened. 

And she was right in all those thoughts. If Ryan did not die, he would have stayed with Eleanor. And Eleanor would never get close to Charles. And Regina won't ever catch them cheating. She would not die, and she would not be back here. And she would not...

His face was slowly changing. He was looking at her as if it had been the very first time. Her eyes were brimming with tears, her emotions were raw, painful, but at the same time, she did not want to acknowledge any of it. If she had not been transported back to this time, Ryan will never even get close to her, standing just a few inches away from where she was. She would never even feel conflicted like this. But he was here. And she can't stop staring at his face, at those dark eyes, his scent filling her senses, the presence of him surrounding her. And because she knew it was going to be the last, she subconsciously reached up to touch his cheek, her palm resting over his warm skin. And she heard him sigh softly. 

"Ryan..." You might die soon, but I'm going to save you.

She could not bit back the sob that had dared to come out and before she could even stop it, Ryan was pulling her close. His arms wrapping around her body, trying to hold her together, and she felt herself breaking apart, the scent of him coming too strong, and she breathed it in as she leaned over his strong shoulder, closing her eyes because this felt too intimate. But they should not... They should not be hugging like this. Don't fight it.

"Does this mean nothing?" She heard him through the vibrations of his chest. The rumble of his voice, the constant beating of his heart, and the way his arms tightened around her. But she knew she had to fight it off. She had to end this before it got worse, she needed to step away.

"I will give it back to you..." She turned her head, facing the side of Ryan's neck, whispering the words against his skin and he felt him sucking in the air as if he had gone paralyzed, "Soon."

She was talking about the keys. Ryan heard the finality. She was not taking it back. Just like how she had said it was over with Charles. The voice that had sounded too cold was now directed at him. She was going to walk away from him now. For good.

"Not until I'm twenty-two, huh?" He tried to sound like he was okay, but even with the smile he was trying to put on his face, it did not hide his sadness. And she was slowly pulling away, painfully as he felt her slipped from his touch. It felt empty there without her, but he never resisted. He let go, just as he should. Because that was what she had wanted, and he can't really do anything to make her stay.

"Yeah..." she said to him, peering under her lashes as she turned and moved to leave, "Not until you're twenty-two."

And he was watching her walked down the sidewalks, after he heard her say a soft, "Goodbye, Ryan."

He chose to wait until she had finally disappeared into the corner. Wait until the orange swirls in the sky had turned quite purplish before he found his feet moving again. That had been so fast. 

But perhaps, it was much better this way now. Because for a moment there, he had almost lost the sense of reason. And if that had taken a little longer, he might have done something unforgivable... Something that would utterly shatter him inside. Something that would have opened that tightly closed box filled with secrets unspoken that he had buried deep down in his chest. 

He had to keep it that way.

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When he got home, Ryan was blindly walking through the front door, his face sullen, his body mindlessly moving on its own. And he could see his younger brother, Rue, sitting on the sofa in their living room, shooting him a look over his shoulder.

"You're home early, huh," Rue told him, as he watched Ryan walked around the house and approached the living room before collapsing on the couch across him.

"Yeah," Ryan replied roughly with a loud weary sigh, still staring into space.

"Unusual," Rue remarked, giving his brother a pointed stare. He could tell Ryan was deeply bothered about something but he did not dare to ask his brother about it. Rue had just decided to observe for a while.

"I know," Ryan eventually said, scratching the side of his jaw and distractingly giving Rue a sidelong glance, noting the novel in his hands that he was reading, "And what's that?" Ryan asked away, "Did you get a thick book this time? Is it good?"

Rue tried to entertain his brother with the unusual question. He never cared about the books he read before, but Rue still did not dare to question it so he just answered with a sound mind, "It's a classic. Great Expectations by Charles Dickens," he told Ryan, sharing his own thoughts about it in a brief manner, "Didn't expect it to be this romantic. It was pretty intense though. I don't even understand it that much. Pip and Estella... They're complicated."

Ryan frowned at him, "Complicated?"

He never got this curious before, but Rue still replied to him.

"I don't know how to explain it," Rue said, even pondering as he thought of how to put it to words, "But I really think Pip got it bad. Have you ever felt it before?"

"Felt what?" Ryan asked back.

"You know," Rue shrugged his shoulders, leaning back on the sofa as he spoke of his musings, "Falling for a girl and blindly seeing past her flaws that no matter how many times she pushed you away, you just can't let go of her?" he explained, "That's how bad it was for Pip. Poor, Pip."

And it was true, It was really pitiful.

"Yeah..." Ryan surprisingly answered. And for a second, Rue was unsure of what he was trying to say or what he was trying to answer this time. Was he actually...?

"Yeah to pity?" Rue tried to clarify. And he did not want to think too much of it. Rue was trying to process it all but Ryan had suddenly turned the tables around when he replied right away, out of his sane mind, probably.

"Yeah, I felt it."

Rue gaped at him. Felt it? It sounded quite so wrong coming out of his brother's mouth. Was he really saying he felt it? He could not believe it at all.

"You think you have..?" Rue trailed off, unable to bring himself to finish the words because it somehow seemed too ridiculous and impossible to put Ryan and words pertaining to emotional attachments together in one sentence. "Seriously?"

But Ryan was still staring into space, his brows furrowed deep. His face a little shaken and conflicted. 

"Wow," Rue remarked with utter wonder, but he did not really intend it to say it out loud. And Ryan looked at him with a startled face.

"What?" Ryan asked him, looking a little lost at what his brother had just said.

"You got it bad, too," Rue tried to sympathize, giving Ryan a sad smile, almost as if trying to comfort him in the most appropriate way he could think of. And Ryan pulled his head back, staring at his younger brother with a hard glare.

"Got bad, what?" He was still confused, but he sounded angry.

"Just now," Rue tried to explain, feeling a little burdened to be the one to say it, "Whoever that was on your mind when I asked you the question that I asked you, I am telling you, Ry..." he paused, looking straight into his brother's anxious eyes, "You got it bad too. Probably as bad as Pip had. And it's really, really bad."

Ryan was speechless for a few seconds. He was not sure what it meant when his brother said he got it bad. What bad? But Rue was giving him this soft gaze as if almost telling him, he was not going to get over it. And in an instant, Ryan's face had completely turned to ash. He still could not tell what Rue was exactly trying to imply with his words and what his expression just now had meant but he felt it. 

Right there, deep. And it made him forget how to breathe for a few moments. The impact of the sudden realization had hit him right through the center of his chest, the heavy staggering silence swallowed his entire mind. It was as if everything had disappeared but it now finally made sense.

"So who was it?" He heard Rue asked, out of nowhere. And Ryan slowly met his brother's gaze as he tried to find his voice back.

"No one," Ryan replied, but even he could tell that he was trying hard not to admit it. But it was right out there. Rue had seen it all. Just by one look at Ryan's face, the answer was there.

"You're lying, Ry," Rue told him, smiling mischievously as he switched his attention back to the book he had in his hands, as if briefly dismissing his shameless lie, "I know when you're lying. You know that."

And he was right. He can't really lie at Rue. Ryan tried to take it back, but he could no longer speak. He was stuck in utter shock and painful awareness. 

He got it bad. He realized. He really got it bad.

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