[SEASON 1] Chapter 23: Eleanor's Tragic Past
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[A/N]: TRIGGER WARNING - This chapter contains depictions of suicide/violence that may be harmful/traumatizing to some readers. If you feel triggered, please know that there are resources and people who are there to help and support you. Mental health matters.
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Whenever she's inside her own house, she never really felt safe. Not even once. Alone or not, she always had that existing fear around her that reminds her of every little detail that had happened to her in the past. Eleanor hated it.
She always wanted to escape. But no matter how many times she had attempted to flee, she knew she can never really run away from this place. The irony of it all was that she was actually too scared to leave. She was a total coward.
And it was totally frustrating. Yet she still kept coming back. Just like what she was doing tonight, as she took the stairs up to where her bedroom was, it felt disturbingly quiet to find the house empty. Though that was actually better. Eleanor could not afford to see any of their faces anyway. She just wanted to be in her bedroom again even for a little while.
Carefully, even when she did not have to, Eleanor slowly opened her bedroom door and silently closed it shut as soon as she got inside. She then let out a long sigh of relief. It had only been a few days but she already missed the scent of her room. She moved towards her bed next, plopping over the thin cushion and rolling over it like a little girl. She paused, lying on her side, and let out another long sigh. A certain detail on the lower corner of the wall next to her dresser quickly stole her attention as she frowned at it and sat up from the bed to move closer to it.
She stopped and went down on her knees to inspect what the slightly obvious whole behind the wallpaper was about and eventually, she remembered that she used to put stuff inside it when she was younger. Getting curious if she would ever get to find something inside it in case, Eleanor absentmindedly reached a hand into the hole and tried to feel for any object inside. It did not even take that long before she felt a box-like object that she quickly pulled out of the hole to see.
It was a small wooden box with a coin hole above. It must be some kind of a kiddy bank but judging from the sounds that the stuff inside it was giving her, it might actually contain some paper bills. But when she opened the box herself, what she only saw were papers.
There were two neatly folded papers with long handwritten notes in them. For some reason, despite guessing that she put this inside the hole, Eleanor could not remember what those letters or notes were for. So trying to confirm what it was, she opened them and silently read what was written on them...
She guessed it right... It was a letter. But what surprised Eleanor was the fact that it was a letter for Ryan. And it was not even a love letter. It was actually a vague confession... of what she truly felt inside at the time.
[The contents of the letter unsent to Ryan]
To Ryan,
The truth is, I am really not used to someone like you. You’ve been there and it felt like it was just right to tell you everything. But that felt so frightening for me. I knew one of these days, we might get to forget each other (you’ll find someone better of course). I knew that this might not stay for so long, since I am not a good kind of friend. I was used to hating everyone around me and them hating me as well… But you made me feel like I belong to someplace together with you. And I don’t want to fool around again. I will not sugar-coat these things I would tell you.
I was scared that someone got to finally accept the real me, I was just suddenly scared to have someone so close and attached… Someone who knows a dark secret of mine. Because, to be honest, I did feel that before and you know where it brought me… I was left alone. And that was something I don’t want to happen again. I was scared you’d leave and take a big part of me too.
Maybe because fear is human nature. You know? Like we all are subject to learn from things and avoid anything that may hurt us again? Because we know it will leave a scar and scars are not beautiful and delightful. I hope you get my point. And it is quite insane to think that I might get too clingy in a friendship we had.
Before everything else, I was a child lost in a world of love and indifference. I am a lover of pain and violence. I cut myself about a hundred times when I am alone (The scars are hidden in places you don’t know). And sometimes I just wish that my parents would finally die. I just don't have the guts to kill them yet but I badly wanted to… One time I locked myself in my room, a blade in my hand and you already know what I did. After that, I was still smiling and it felt like I was someone else… I was so crazy… Call me lunatic but that made me feel better for some time.
Probably, after you read this all you’d get anxious or sad for me or mad or indifferent. Maybe you’d give me a hug or maybe you’d cry a little or maybe you’d hate me. But then, I would still want you to know that the small good part of me loves you, my friend.
And I want to be true to you, ‘cause if it’s any consolation… You are the one who deserved it. You gave me a part of you that is special. You gave me your trust. And now, I am trying to do the same. But it is hard. I might tell you the bad things about me first. But then, I still hope… You’d give me a chance. I still hope you’d accept me…
I am trying to apologize. Those people I had hurt, they abandoned me. Those people I thought were my friends were never really true to me. And the only person who got to know every little thing about me and even how I looked naked, the person I loved the most, the only person who had my heart… He abandoned me as well. And now I got nothing… Except you. If you give me a chance again. If you still see me normal after this…
I would let you have enough trust. And thank you for reading this. Though I really want you to burn and vanish this letter forever… I apologize for everything.
Love,
El
- Writer
