The Night I Woke Up Beside You

[SEASON 1] Chapter 16: Cozy Yet Disturbing Silence

If she had known that they would end up here, she would have never let herself get carried away by her own decisions, entering the entire ordeal and taking the role to be a part of this. After all, she had been so adamant about avoiding all sorts of interactions with him. She wanted to prevent things like this... Like being too close and getting a whiff of that goddamn sandalwood because it was doing a lot of strange feelings inside her mind and body.

But when it comes to working with Ryan Townsend, in a small room with just the heavy air and the smell of paint around, it seemed a bit more manageable and pleasant to keep silent. She could just let the hour go on. It's just another sixty minutes or so spent on weekdays. They did not have to talk to each other, they just have to finish what was needed to be done. Yet sometimes, when comfort settles in, she finds herself glancing his way as if her own eyes had willed on its own. She would get a little too starry-eyed, probably for a few minutes until she would realize what she had been doing and forced herself to look away again. 

The night sky painting was getting nearer to its completion and it had only been two days since they started doing it together.

The first day prior to now had ended in haste. Regina had dashed out of the room as soon as she knew the time was over and did not dare to look back as she left, feigning indifference. Today, she decided to keep her boundaries as she moved towards the other side of the room, a little way further from him this time. She tried to be nonchalant, even when her nerves were all in a mess because she did not know how to act around him. Fortunately, he also seemed to feel the mild tension and did not utter anything as he kept his own space and did his own work. Occasionally, they would take turns resting for a few minutes, standing up and munching some chips that had been brought by a club member as promised by John, so they could work on parts that the other had not finished yet. They were now waiting for the blue-colored board to dry up before they glue on the cardboard cut-outs of diamond-shaped stars that they had started to work on. They had to paint it with bright yellow color first.

Unlike the previous day, they had now chosen to sit on the floor with the newspapers sprawled all over it so they could minimize the mess. Regina had tucked her legs beneath her when she started painting as she focused on her own side of the room. They kept a reasonable distance from each other. But she could feel him glancing at her every now and then, perhaps, feeling conscious of how she was doing.

She felt wary of him too. Then midway through the silence, she heard him sigh, and then he spoke.

"We're good, right?" He said out of the blue. At first, Regina's eyes found him staring at her and she froze for a second. She got confused and she was not sure of how she was supposed to answer that query as she tried to come up with a good enough reply. She bit the inside of her cheek and moved her eyes down as she started thinking about it. Of course, they're good. But not that good to speak friendly now. After all, they still had agreed not to be friends anymore.

"We're okay," Regina said with a shrug, though refusing to look up while sounding a little too breathy with her words. It did not seem convincing though and she just looked like she only thought of the least awkward thing to say. She took a deep breath and felt his deep penetrating gaze. He had to stop that too. It was making her feel queasy inside but she did not want to point that out. 

"Apart from not talking to each other. Yeah, I guess, we're still good, huh," Ryan added in a sarcastic note. He was not even trying to hide his sour implication and upon hearing his words, Regina had quickly stared up for a moment to shoot him a straight look. She heard the slight pressing innuendo in his tone. 

"That's right. But as you can see, we're talking right now. And I don't see it as something bad," Regina pointed out. And Ryan just let out a non-comprehensible noise that seemed to be like a grunt as his noncommital response. Regina watched him under her lashes and he looked like some spoiled kid deprived of something. But he never said anything back again. He just went and focused attentively on the cut-out he was painting on. But his brows had furrowed deeply.

"Does it bother you?"

"What?" Ryan paused and glanced at her again.

Regina's lips thinned when she met his eyes, "Me being here. Me talking to you. Although we did agree on not speaking to each other again before. It feels weird that I mentioned this now. But I never really expected I'd even meet you here... least of all the places you'd ever want to hang out at."

Surprisingly, Ryan laughed, showing an easygoing smirk as he regarded her with sheer enthusiasm, "You think this is weird? Well, yeah, it's a coincidence that I'm here and I don't really mind. I'm practically forced to stay here after classes. Besides, we're just doing a casual talk. It doesn't mean we have to talk every day until this whole thing ends."

The 'whole thing' meant that he was only implying about the duration of the task at hand, of course. Regina concluded. And Ryan did have a point too. Talking was not necessary and Regina ruefully smiled at that knowledge as she tore her eyes away from him and sighed.

"Then, that's good," she said gratefully, "I'd take this as a sign that we're mutually okay with this kind of arrangement. Thank you."

"Thank you? For what?" Ryan frowned at her.

"For being okay," Regina replied with another shrug, sending him a quick glance, "For being cool about this. It's really unexpected to end up here with you but I guess, it's not really that bad. I still appreciate the company than being alone."

"Hmm," Ryan hummed shortly. And Regina smiled again, trying to ease off the unsettling tension between them.

They went back to stillness after that, spending the rest of the time painting in silence. Afterward, when they had finally finished the hour, Regina stood up from the floor. But she felt the strain on her muscles as she got up shakily, feeling the numbness in her legs when she had swayed a little. Stumbling on her feet, she quickly tried to keep her balance but almost fell on her back if Ryan had not swiftly gone to steady her. He was already there before she could even notice him. And she did not anticipate the immediate contact when she felt his hands holding her on the shoulders.

She gulped as she shivered a little, getting immensely confused about this sudden reaction. Why was she getting too affected?

She tried to hold her breath and moved her eyes. But instead of forcing them down, she failed to stop herself from staring up at his dark orbs. It was inevitable. And he was looking at her with such perceptible softness that equally gave her a subconscious urge to reach out for him. But realizing that unwanted thought that had suddenly popped in her mind, she resisted it with control and quickly felt too uneasy and weak inside.  Her stomach flipped, her heart skipped, her breathing stopped for a few seconds. She could not tear her eyes away from him. 

What was this feeling?

Ryan had kept his ground, and Regina was immediately aware of the distance between them, or lack thereof. She could feel all of his human warmth, the length of his body against her, and his pleasant scent surrounding the air as she tried not to breathe it in. But it was difficult. He held her gaze and he did not even step back right away. He never said anything, yet it almost felt like his eyes were talking to her. But ever so slowly, he must have realized what just happened and he soon let go of her shoulders.

His hands dropped to his sides, but he still stood so tall, almost looming over her, keeping the close distance a mere boundary from what could even happen if they ever closed it in. She could not move away, stuck in the knowledge of his presence while keeping her heart at bay. Keep calm, heart. She reminded herself to stay composed, yet she could hear the pounding of her heartbeat ringing in her ears. She was nervous and she looked down. She counted in her head until he finally turned and moved away.

There was obviously some kind of tension building rapidly between them, but they both tried to ignore its existence. Perhaps, it was the better thing to do, other than dealing with it. It's okay to neglect the pull of undefined attraction (and she had to admit there was that). She could manage the silence, the distance, and the casual talks. There were just another few more weeks before this all ends. She just had to endure it. Keep the space and make sure the contact won't happen again. Make sure she won't be clumsy enough to implicate a need for another closer encounter with him.

Regina chastised herself as she mentally kept a warning to be more careful next time. She had to keep him at arm's length... Or maybe, much longer than an arm. Maybe ten meters away would suffice. Today was just an incident that she can let go of. But that won't repeat again. 

Yet, she had been too frazzled after what just happened. When she had left the room, she still could get a hint of that sandalwood lingering around her and it got her slightly dizzy from the effect. It must be some kind of an omen. A reminder that she should never let that overwhelm her if he ever gets close again. That had been really alarming... She realized as she reached the hallways, barreling through the thick crowd of students, that she had almost leaned towards him if she did not come to her senses.

And if she had taken another one step closer... goodness, that could have been really very risky.

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"So, how was drama club? You're enjoying it?"

Regina sighed heavily when she heard her sister asked this, as they got out of the parking lot, on their way back home. Since Regina was also doing club activities now, she also got the privilege to share the ride with her sister after school. Madeleine hummed along the faint music playing from the speakers as they hit the road. It was some kind of old-school song.

"What's that?" Madeleine stopped humming and took note of her younger sister's dreadful noise. "Why are you sighing so dramatically? Was Johnny rude? Do you want me to talk to him?"

Madeleine was a member of the student council, and it was pretty easy for her to talk to anyone else at school with such domineering confidence. She could use her authority to warn someone and she would not even hesitate. She was just that hostile at times. And Regina quickly deflected her sister's idea as she turned to look at her in alarm.

"No," Regina said right away, shaking her head as she intoned the word, "It's not that. John was really nice. It's just that I didn't expect it would be not that easy."

"Easy?" Madeleine frowned back, "Well, considering that you've been late to figure out the club you wanted to join in, you should have expected the shortcomings. John's might be too nice, but he's a total perfectionist. There's no way he'd let an amateur do things for him."

That hurt a little but Regina understood her sister's point. Of course, she knew how the world works already. She had been an adult once upon a time in a future where she had come from, she went through the same thing before. People would only trust and give you a chance if you really gave them a good impression and showed something really worthy of attention. And at this moment, Regina had still lacked proof of her own worth. 

"I know," Regina sighed in the middle of her thoughts and looked away, "I failed to take all things into consideration. But, I still want to be in it. I guess I'll just have to work hard in the meantime."

Madeleine considered that for a second. Driving slower this time as she used to, she took one look at Regina and smiled at her sister.

"You're really committed, huh?" Maddy remarked thoughtfully, "It's like you're changing into someone who could be so openly passionate about this, and you're very determined. I guess, you really love it. And if that's what makes you happy, sis, then I'm just happy for you too. Do what you want. Be reckless."

Regina laughed at her sister's words. Madeleine's statement made her, even more, motivated apart from that last word, of course. Reckless was not entirely necessary. She could be just what she really was and pursue what makes her feel complete. And Regina smiled wider as she kept her eyes staring out to the windshield, glued on the road, and said, "Thank you, Maddy." 

For a moment there was the comfortable silence and Regina mused about the things she will be doing for herself. She was feeling better now. Madeleine had always been a supporter. And Regina was really grateful for it. After figuring out what she wanted to change in her course of life, while also learning more about herself now, Regina realized that this was just another stepping stone. She was growing up for the second time. Yet compared to how it had been when she had first gone through this, she was actually more satisfied with this new chance. She had never done these things before, and somehow, returning back to her past young self felt more like a greater opportunity to become better.

She will be better... not just for herself, but for the people in her life too.

"I can't still believe you are in drama club," Regina heard Maddy voiced this out as they neared their house. 

"What?" Regina glanced at her sister with a raised brow. "Why would you say that?"

Maddy did not reply back as she took a moment to think about Regina's question. Pulling up on the driveway, she finally sent a glance towards Regina and then said, "Well, I guess, I never thought you'd be into that sort of stuff. Perhaps, that's just me not really knowing everything, sis. And I'm really glad you're doing what you love and you're sharing it with me. I've never seen you like this before and I feel like I'm finally knowing the real you."

"Thank you, Maddy," Regina felt touched as she said the words in a soft voice, smiling at her sister, "And same to you, too. You should do what you love, Maddy. Be the person you want to be, and I will always be there for you. You know that, right?"

A passing strange look came across Madeleine's face as she heard Regina's words. The two sisters looked at each other with such a connection, as if trying to convey the things that they could not form into words through their eyes. Regina thought about the future, taking note of her sister's impending decision to leave the state before college. Regina might not be able to stop Maddy to go and she still felt the pain of watching her sister leave, but if that was something that would make Madeleine happy, Regina would let her be.

And that was the point of being a real family, you support and just be there for them, physically and mentally. You never hold each other back to grow together, you let them go and explore the things about themselves so they could become much stronger and whole as a person.

"I know you are, sis," Madeleine said after what felt like a long moment of silence. She was smiling as she turned the engine off and she gave Regina a pat on the shoulder, adding, "Thank you. That really meant a lot to me, Ginny."

And Regina just smiled warmly at her sister. That was the most touching moment she had ever shared with Madeleine throughout the years that they have been sisters. And as she watched Maddy got out of the car, Regina realized that she might be really doing the right thing this time. Changing and being real. It felt like things were finally getting even much better and better... At least with the results of her own decisions and her relationship with her sister.

Ryan... however, was still another thing.

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