The Night I Woke Up Beside You

[SEASON 1] Chapter 14: Her

He was staring.

He was just standing there, not moving. He was stuck in between wanting to leave and staying. But he chose to stay. Watching. That was what he was doing. After school, he just found himself completely frozen on the sidewalk just a few meters away from the campus. He was staring... at someone. It had been the very first since the last time he had seen her. And she was there, just quite close but still too far for him to make her be aware that he was there.

She was walking so slow, her strides were lazy as if she was taking her time to get home. She had her bag slung over her shoulders, her hands clutching the straps. Her head was faced forward and he could just tell that she was staring blankly into space again. He might have gotten used to reading her actions and habits even just from a couple of days of interacting with her and he just seemed to get her that way. He silently watched her until she was almost nearing the corner but was then interrupted by a loud honk of a car nearby. 

He jolted. 

Her shoulders jerked and she stopped, also surprised by the startling noise. She quickly turned around and for a brief moment, their eyes met. He never wanted to be caught, but he had no choice but to let his presence be known. At first, she gave him a startled glance. Even from a distance, he could see her pupils dilating and she stiffened. She looked at him for a while, her doe eyes were both wide. The car honked again and Ryan turned his head around to glare at the man behind the wheel. He let out a huff as he walked towards the passenger's side. He stopped briefly by the car door, looking back at where Regina had been standing but she was now walking away, her back on him and she never looked back again.

She was walking much faster, hurried as if she was chasing the time, and he sighed heavily. Yet he still waited until she disappeared into the corner before he opened the door of the passenger seat and got into the car. His "friend" who was on the driver's seat gave him a sly smirk. But he did not say anything to Ryan. Ryan knew already what his friend's knowing smile meant. He had been caught.

"We'll pick Ellie at her house first," Ryan said right away, ignoring the annoying grin of his friend directed at him, and the car started to move down the road. "I texted her already."

"She isn't at school?" The friend asked, his voice casual.

"No," Ryan said simply and looked out of the window. As they drove past the intersection, he found his eyes looking to the side corner where Regina had disappeared and he saw her profile walking alone down the sidewalk, still not looking back and striding faster. She really meant it when she had said she was not going to talk to him again and they will have to go back to how they used to be. Ryan felt left out, for some reason, it really disappointed him. He still did not want to acknowledge the fact that it had been over between them before anything could even happen and something about it had made him scowl to himself.

Well, she wanted that then let her have it, his brain told him. He should not be bothered about this anymore. But even when he knew it there was still a part of him that was hoping she would have changed her mind. They could have been friends. They really could have been. But then again, he had to remind himself that this was not the right time to be close friends with the same girl his best friend was supposed to get back. It would do him no good. Better stop now. He should really stop now.

"You seemed too out of it lately," Ryan heard his friend utter this out loud as they go past the street sign heading closer to where Eleanor lives. Ryan paused and shot his friend an annoyed look and never said anything back. He really did not like when things started to be all about him. He was not in the mood to talk about thoughts and sentiments that were focused on his own issues. His friend was right, he was really out of it, but Ryan had already decided that he was not going to do anything about it. Yet he also knew that his friend could be quite the observant audience. He had known Ryan for so long not to be able to see that he was, in fact, troubled about something else. And that had been obviously showing just by the way Ryan had been acting in the past few days.

"Just small problems," Ryan tried to keep it vague, "It's nothing that I couldn't handle."

"You keep sighing," His friend pointed out, making Ryan frown and feel even more irritated, "Must be because you haven't used your bike lately, huh? I haven't seen you dashing around in town with it. Do you need repair money? It's not like you without the bike, honestly."

"No, the bike's fine," Ryan bit out, refraining to tell anything more than that. He knew that his friend was trying to get out something from him. He had seen Ryan's bike parked at the front lawn of their neighbor's house, it was something he must be curious about. And his friend knew that something was up.

"So, it's much more personal, huh?"

"Just drive," Ryan said in an annoyed voice, putting the end to the conversation, looking out to the window on his side, a sign that he did not want to talk anymore. And with that, the rest of the drive to Eleanor's house had been spent in silence. As soon as they reached their destination, Ryan quickly sent Eleanor a text message informing her that they were already waiting for her outside.

Just seconds after he sent the message, they heard the faint sound of a door being shut and both Ryan and his friend turned their heads towards the noise, seeing Eleanor walking down the front stairs of their porch, her head covered with the hood of her gray jacket that she was wearing. She had her head bowed in an angle, a little difficult to see her face but Ryan had immediately noticed the visible swelling of her cheek. He was out of the car before he even realized it, rounding around the hood and meeting her halfway by the sidewalk until he was standing toe to toe with her. She stopped right when she saw him and avoided his gaze. She did not say anything and Ryan did not need her to speak. He just held her in his arms, his comfort warming her cold fragile body. She was taller than the average girls in town but Ryan was too big and looming that she felt a little too small against his broad body.

"Let's get inside," he softly told her after a moment, rubbing her arms as he guided her to the backseat of the car and they both settled inside it. The car sped away as soon as they got in and Ryan's friend just kept silent. He just looked at them through the rearview mirror while Ryan gently coaxed Eleanor with her head leaning against his shoulder. She felt the safest whenever he does this. His whole warmth and scent surrounding her like a blanket and almost like a sanctuary and she sighed in relief. She was just so glad knowing that she was finally meters and meters away from that house. 

He had always been protective of her. When they first met, Ryan had been the kind of friend she knew she can rely on anything. And it had also been one of the reasons why she can't just help but be too attached to him. Even when she had never said anything, he was always looking after her. Eleanor's situation in her home was difficult and quite complicated and no one had ever dared to point it out except him. It used to be an unspeakable issue. But he wanted to be there for her, he knew the feeling of being like this... Of being weak and helpless. He hated that she had to go through it alone. He hated the fact that she was experiencing the things he and her mother had experienced before. No one should go through that.

"Can I spend a few nights at your place, Ryan?" Her voice had a slight tremor in it when she asked him that. It did not go unnoticed as well and Ryan's jaw hardened as he put a comforting hand over the side of her head, like an armor with his arm wrapped around her delicate shoulders.

"You don't have to ask, El," Ryan answered after a moment, his eyes glaring out towards something unseen and he shut his eyes for a second, taking a deep breath, "You can always stay whenever you want. You're always welcome to stay."

She felt the concern in his tone. The sound and the vibrations she felt against his chest lulled her into a blissful feeling that for a mere few moments, she felt that nothing could ever go wrong. Ryan was her anchor and she tried to cling to him, tighter as if she never wanted him to go. And knowing that it was the only thing he could do, he held her with a firmer grip on her shoulder as she felt him sigh. Yet something from the sound of it did not seem like he was actually relieved.

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Later on, they dropped Eleanor off at Ryan's house. Ryan had taken the initiative to guide her inside the place first, making sure that she was settled right in and Rue was there to accommodate her. When Ryan got back inside the car, his friend was giving him a pointed stare from behind the wheel.

"What?" Ryan asked him, his face frowning again after he closed the door beside him.

"You should really stop doing that," his friend said, pulling the car out of the sidewalk and driving down the road again, heading to where they would be going next. 

Ryan snorted and looked away. "She needs me. And you know how her folks are. I can't just leave her alone."

"You got a hero complex and that's making things a little too..." His friend tried to find the right word as he trailed off, "... just too complicated. She might get the wrong impression, you know. I'm not saying she already does, but there's a possibility she would."

"She won't get the wrong impression," Ryan argued back, trying to make it sound like it never really bothered him but it actually did. He did not want to admit it though yet ever since she had suddenly kissed him in the hallway at school, Ryan had been thinking. "We're friends."

"No," His friend countered, snickering in a kind of smug way, almost scoffing, "You're not stupid, Ryan. Stop giving her reason to hope for something you could never give."

"What are you getting at?" Ryan had now gotten annoyed. His voice dripping with irritation but he tried to mask it with a hard frown.

"I'm just saying that you got issues already," his friend shot him a sidelong glance, "And it might not be best to make people think you're feeling more than you honestly are. She's still a girl. She got feelings, you know."

Ryan knows that. 

He was completely aware that it might be the case but he was still trying to make sure that Eleanor knows the deal between them. But lately, he was starting to get the feeling that it was going a bit gray in that area. And upon realizing that, a certain image suddenly popped inside his head and he forcefully pushed it to the back of his mind. No, he said to himself. Stop thinking about her.

"In case you've forgotten," his friend was now saying when Ryan did not reply back, "You're not the type who handles relationships well and clear. On top of that, you also have that girl.'

As if reading his mind, his friend smirked again. Ryan stiffened and snapped his head towards his friend, his eyes subconsciously shooting daggers at him.

"What are you saying?" Ryan gritted his teeth.

His friend shrugged, completely noticing the hard tone in Ryan's voice as he steered the car to a right turn in an intersection. He sent Ryan a fleeting look and grinned, almost like teasing. "You have to be careful, Ryan."

"Careful with what exactly?" 

"You know," his friend replied back, sounding unfazed, "The girl is not a fool not to notice it. She would really avoid you for good if you don't stop now."

"She?"

"C'mon. Don't be stupid, Ryan. That's not what you are. You know who I'm talking about. You didn't exactly mention what you were trying to do hanging out with her. But we both know she's not just a stranger..." his friend went on, "Charles might not recognize the signs but that girl would certainly know. Stop denying it."

You already know that, don't you, Ryan? The voice inside Ryan's head said as well.

His friend sighed out loud and Ryan was deemed speechless. His heart stopped for a moment when he finally understood how he had been so obvious. Not knowing what to say after that, he cleared his throat out of guilt and stared out to the window. He swallowed quietly.

"You are going soft, man," his friend added and it only made Ryan feel even more uncomfortable as he squirmed in his seat, still not saying anything. "I'm telling you, you got to stop it before it gets too late."

For a few moments, Ryan did not want to reply anymore but just before the car pulled over in front of an old bistro just by the south of the town, he finally spoke.

"Late for what?" he said faintly, though he never meant to voice it out.

His friend took his time as he pressed on the brake and turned the engine off. And with a stare that says he was sincerely concerned and genuine for him, he told Ryan, "You can't have her, Ryan. You owe Charles a lot. It's either your loyalty or your foolish feelings. Please don't be dumb this way. Do what you must do."

Forget it.

That was what his friend had wanted to say along those lines. And with that, his friend got out of the car, leaving Ryan befuddled. Things had seemed to be just getting even more problematic for him. But he still tried to push it out of his head. He can't handle things like this... He had to go back to how it was. 

He had to forget about her... Again.

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That evening, when Ryan finally came home, he caught Eleanor sleeping on their sofa with a blanket around her. The house was silent. His mom won't be back until later for a late-night shift so he walked straight to the stairs and headed for his bedroom. He was picking out clothes from his dresser when Rue appeared by his opened doorway.

He could already sense his little brother before he even heard him knocking softly on the door. Ryan turned around, meeting Rue's blank gaze, and he smiled out of habit, though it was the kind of smile that didn't mean anything at all.

"I'd be sleeping in your room for a while. Just in the meantime, don't worry. Eleanor will be using mine for a few nights," he said to Rue, but Ryan knew that his brother already knew that. This was nothing unusual. Eleanor would always stay at their house for a few days every now and then.

"She's not Estella," Rue said out of nowhere, and that had Ryan doing a double-take at his brother in utter confusion. 

"Say what?" 

"Eleanor is not Estella," Rue explained vaguely. He was trying to make a point but when his brother just stared at him with a dumbfounded frown, Rue sighed loudly and continued, "Great Expectations? The book I was reading last time, remember? I said you got it bad as Pip had for Estella. But Eleanor isn't your Estella, is she?"

Right. 

Ryan eventually remembered Rue saying that before and that had bothered him for a few days. He was still not sure what it was all for. He knew that those two were love interests in that book, but he did not want to delve deeper into it. Knowing his brother, he must have found something profound in Ryan's unlikely "romance" situation. But Ryan did not really want to recognize that part of him. The part where he should be facing his feelings. He did not want to make this all more complicated than it really was. And it had never been really his forte to confront himself about those honest feelings. He was not cut for that, Ryan was never going to acknowledge them. He had never once before, and certainly not this time.

"I'm no Pip, Rue," Ryan said, his voice came out a bit rough, sounding on edge as he turned his back on his brother and busied himself with the drawers in front of him as he kept pulling and pushing them close, "And can we not talk about it anymore? There's no Estella."

"Deny it all you want, Ry. But you can never avoid the truth," Rue told him after a moment, and Ryan almost wanted to push him away or scream so he could scare him off, but he resisted. "But when it's something that hits deep and you know you got it in you, things would definitely come out. I'm worried about you and I really hope you won't hurt other people once you realize that."

Ryan looked over his shoulder, scowling at Rue, and said in a harsh tone, "What are you getting at?"

"You'll hurt Elle, Ry," his brother told him and the worried look on his face made Ryan blinked back, caught off guard by Rue's words. "It might not be your intention, but you'll hurt her if you keep doing this."

Ryan was just about to tell him that it was never going to happen but before he could even speak, Rue was already turning to leave, a sad expression marked on his face before he disappeared. Ryan stopped and he could not even get himself to move from where he stood. He was shocked and perhaps, he was now starting to reflect on what those words really meant. 

You'll hurt her if you keep doing this.

Ryan suddenly felt irritated. 

What was with these people telling him things and warnings as if they knew everything about what he really felt? And why should he stop it? What was he supposed to do?  

Nothing has even begun yet so there was really no reason for them to keep telling him to stop. He had already prevented everything from happening before they even did.

So why?

He had been so careful, and he knew what he should do. His brother should be the one stopping in overanalyzing his actions. Ryan knew what he was doing and he already did the right thing. He was ending it already... whatever that he should be ending. It already ended.

So how many times does he have to make that clear? 

But as Ryan plopped down on his bed, sighing heavily and staring out to the window across his room, he knew he was doomed. He was feeling utterly conflicted. That certain gnawing feeling that he had been trying to bury deep down had now crept up to his chest tugging his conscious mind. His chest tightened as he struggled to ignore it all yet he knew that he was no longer okay. He still had not... let go of it, at least not all of it yet. But he had to make sure not to bring it all back. He had to. But something inside him just made him think that no matter what he really did, it will only keep going back.

He should stop. 

He had chosen to forget, and that how it should be. Even if it might take a long while again, he will make sure to forget and ignore it. His feelings should never exist at all. It had to stop here no matter what. 

He should stop thinking about her.

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