The Night I Woke Up Beside You

[SEASON 1] Chapter 22: A Momentary Lapse

"What the hell was that?!"

Regina snarled at him, the first that came to mind was she wanted to slap the hell out of his face. What did he kiss her? And why did she let him? The first question made her feel even more irritated as she glared at Ryan but realizing that the second question had also made sense, she mentally cursed at herself. 

She was to blame as well. She should have pushed him away.  But he had caught her off guard when he had swiftly made a move, she did not have time to think of how to react. She was blinded by her inexplicable weakness and yet she knew there were no excuses here. She wanted to hide all of a sudden. Ryan, however, just stared at her with a soft look in his eyes. He did not even move at all.

He did not say anything back, not even a reason. And Regina felt more conflicted.

"Why did you do that?!" Regina probed angrily, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. She suddenly felt too embarrassed and ashamed. He already has a girlfriend! He just basically cheated on Eleanor behind her back. And recalling the feeling when Regina herself had been the receiving end of that specific betrayal after she had witnessed Charles (from her previous future) kissing somebody else (who ironically was future Eleanor, as well) made her absolutely horrified for being the one doing the same act now.

She felt even worse. If ever Eleanor or Charles really saw what just happened Regina knew that they would totally feel the same hatred and pain that she had felt that time and she knew how terrible that was. She felt cheap. That was not what she had planned to achieve at all even when she had inconsiderably hurt the younger Charles when she chose to break things off with him. She just wanted to right the things that she knew would only end up in a tragedy in the future. She did not want to make an absolute mess out of it. 

But this happened. And she can't ever change that now. It might have been her fault as well for leading things on with Ryan. She should have known better. They can't do this to Eleanor. Even if her future self had been the one who had hurt Regina before she traveled back to this time, it was unfair to hurt her younger version. And as these thoughts ran inside her head like some kind of self-torture, tears just suddenly started to fall down her cheeks. She did the same.

She did the same thing that the future Eleanor did to her. She hated herself.

"Why?!" Regina angrily confronted Ryan as she instinctively wiped the wet tears under her eyes, still glaring at him, "Why did you do that?! Am I a joke to you?!"

"No, that's not it," Ryan immediately felt helpless. Seeing those tears on her face made him so guilty that he almost wanted to reach for her again but strongly held himself back right away. "Please don't cry, Regina. I di--"

"Did you even think about Eleanor?!" she snapped right back. She looked totally furious and that only made Ryan feel even more remorseful. But Eleanor and I aren't real. We're just pretending. He really wanted to say that but he knew it would only sound more like he was just selfishly trying to defend himself from doing such an act. That was unfair too, especially for Eleanor who somehow ended up being tied with this situation.

Ryan had no other choice but to surrender. He knew that it had been all wrong for him to just kiss her out of the blue and even without permission. That was so insensitive of him. He really wanted to set things right but he could no longer get himself to say anything back. He became too afraid that he might make it much worse if he opened his mouth again.

What a horrible mistake. Ryan's guilt gradually drowned him into a state of utter regret. That was why he never really trusted his impulse at all. He had always managed to have control over things and decisions in his life for the past few years. But somehow, standing right in front of her had made him too weak to overcome it. 

For the past few days, it had really become too difficult for him to ignore his desire to be closer to her. And it seemed like it had gotten critical now. But how can he even apologize if kissing her had felt so right at the moment? Ryan miserably looked at Regina's resentful eyes. She looked completely disgusted. He knew that if ever he even take a step closer towards her, she would quickly flee from him. There was no fixing this anymore. He ruined it all.

"You're really not going to say anything, huh?" Regina bitterly smirked when Ryan kept his silence. He looked torn, somehow. "Fine, I'll give you those damn keys if you want them." 

He opened his mouth as if to say something but none came out. Regina waited but he just closed them again. What a wuss.

"I don't care anymore if you get into an accident or die or whatever," Regina spoke again, and her words sounded croaked as she was now driven by wild emotions and she no longer cared if she even accidentally spilled everything to Ryan at once. He can hear whatever it was that she wanted to stop from happening because it will never make sense anyway... She felt completely lost. "Go ahead, do whatever you frigging want! I don't care. I'll do what I want. I'll give you back the keys now. But don't you ever frigging touch me again, you assh---!"

And she stormed away. She never looked back. Ryan watched her with pain in his eyes. He can't move from where he stood. He can't even apologize. He was a coward and he deserved this. He should reflect on it because he knew that when she said those last words to him, she meant it.

She really hated him now.

Regina blindly walked down her path, trying to dodge anyone on her way. She was just silently crying by the time she had reached the area where Daisy had parked her car. She stopped and stood by the passenger side, feeling relieved to be alone for quite some time. But when Regina realized that she had to go back to watch the game again, she cried some more. This was so pathetic. She wanted to stop the tears but it seemed to come out on its own. She waited until she was finally calming down, wiping her tears and fixing her face before she turned and walked back to the crowded bleachers.

It was not that long before Regina easily spotted Daisy on their seats and she sniffled as she tried to casually approach and take the empty seat beside her friend. Daisy quickly shot her a look and it seemed like she had noticed it quickly. But even if she did, Daisy never said anything. She just quietly offered Regina some popcorn that she had been eating on her own.

Regina felt grateful for not being asked about anything. And as the game neared its end with Charles finally returning to the field and getting back the team on the lead, Daisy found the courage to finally speak to Regina. Out of concern.

"He's a jerk."

It was so out of the blue, but Regina heard it so very clear even when Daisy just muttered it under her breath after she leaned closer to Regina for a quick moment. Regina found herself chuckling as she figured Daisy must have thought Ryan did something to her. And she actually guessed it right. He did something... Something unforgivable. But that did not matter now after Regina cried.

She was going to move on and forget that it ever happened. That kiss never happened.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------to be continued