An unexpected twist of fate

The Eulogy

The next three days go by incredibly slowly and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to get him out of my head. I would go for a jog everytime his face and lips popped into my mind, often without realizing I would go as far as to run past his house, as soon as I realized I was around the corner I picked up my pace to run as quickly as I could past it in case he was standing there watching or about to leave and by coincident I’m running slowly and he calls me back into his house. I couldn’t let that happen again. It was already Tuesday and I still hadn’t been able to write a line for Marceys funeral. I’d sat a lot in front of a pen and paper and nothing would come out, mostly I would write sorry, over and over until the page was filled with I’m sorrys. This was the hardest thing I have ever done and had to do, getting into the same varsity as Marcey wasn’t even this stressful. Especially knowing I would be seeing Mr Green at the funeral too. How his blue ocean eyes would be staring at me and if he was crying they would be even more prominent while the veins in his arms would be showing because the weather tomorrow is meant to be scorching so he’ll be wearing something similar to the outfit he wore the day I went to visit him... the day I visited him... f**k, Angelica stop it! I hit my head with my hand trying to get the smell of him out my mind and the way his large hands grabbed my soft tender breasts and he made my back arche for more... aahhh! I put on my talkies and ran out the house. Think of anything else Angelica, think of the fact that he is your dead best friends dad and he is an asshole who was never a proper father. So what if he’s hot he should not be forgiven or given pity just because he smells so good. I started running faster, why today the day I really needed to think about Marcey was I unable to stop thinking about him. I hated him for doing this to me. He didn’t have to kiss me, he didn’t have to make me moan, why would he mess me up like this? I ran even faster feeling the air in my lungs tighten and I realized I really was not fit enough to run to fast for so long, it was helping me not think about him though. I kept running feeling the pain and concentrating on my breathing. Finally I couldn’t run anymore my heart was beating in my ears and my head was pounding, my legs felt like jelly and my chest was moving up and down so fast I felt like I was about to have a heart attack. I stopped resting my hands on my thighs while I try to catch my breath, it takes a few seconds before I look up to see where I am and how far I need to go before I reach home again. And low and behold I’ve stopped right outside his house. What is wrong with me? Of all places it had to be here? I look at this house still tying to catch my breath, I see no movement which is good. I close my eyes ‘Angelica, this is not you, as much as the thought of being with him is appealing and having his body on yours would be relieving, it is wrong and Marcey dead or alive is your first priority. So until you calm down and finish your unresolved feelings towards your best friends death, stay clear of this man and his insatiable scent. For everyone’s best interest.’ I open my eyes having let out a long breath. Still no movement, I stare at his house for one more second before running back home to write my eulogy. 

That night I fall asleep easily, I wake up and feel somewhat refreshed I didn’t even dream about him so I should be on the right path, I’m ready to take on this dreaded day. I put on my black dress that is tight around my chest and ribs and then flows out until my mid thigh, it has mesh sleeves until my elbow but doesn’t cover my shoulder, I had bought it on Sunday when my mom and I went shopping as I had realized I didn’t have any funeral clothes because I had never been to one before. 

Arriving at the funeral was long awaited, the cemetery wasn’t terribly big but the grave that the family had chosen was quite far back, however walking to it I enjoyed looking at all the names and how so many of the tombs had flowers placed in front of them. It made me hopeful that people won’t stop thinking about you once you are gone, even if it’s not every second of everyday they still come and place a thoughtful gesture upon the names of the loved and lost. There are lots of chairs waiting when we get to the spot saved for Marcey, there’s a large photo of her next to a stand where the speakers are going to make their speeches. The photo is beautiful, Marcey looks so happy it makes me sick to think this amazing person is never going to bright up a room again. I sit in the second row behind her mom and her grandparents, I don’t see her dad which is good hopefully he is sitting at the back or something but I’d really like to not see his face. My mom and dad are sitting next to me and I’ve seen a lot of our school friends there as well as our varsity friends. A few come up to me and hug me which is nice to also see them even though I would have preferred to see them with Marcey alive. But we are all here to remark on the wonderful life Marcey did live and we will keep her in our memories forever. It starts, there’s a beautiful sermon, he remarks on what a precious life we have lost and all that cliche stuff one hears at a funeral, it was my first time at one but I’ve watched enough movies to know the drill. Her mom is up first for the speeches, she starts off strong but by the middle can’t carry a sentence as her throat is too full of emotion, she stands for a few seconds catching her breathe and ends her eulogy with “she was the most precious person I could have loved and in the end life is just too short. I am sorry if I have wronged you my love, but for now I hope you are in heaven eating your caramel ice cream and swimming with dolphins.” As she walked off stage I could see the tears rolling down her cheeks, I grabbed a tissue from my bag and handed it to her as she sat down. She graciously took it and I squeezed her shoulder in affection. I could see a small smile as I did it. I was next. I had hoped someone else was before me but I think it was only me and her mom talking. I was already feeling a bit scared and emotional after watching Cindy talk, but I needed to do this. 

“Hello everyone, for those that don’t know me, I was Marceys best friend. We had been together since grade 8 when we were forced to sit next to each other in biology, she was so nervous for her first day of high school she forgot her pencil case. I saw her sitting next to me fidgeting with her hands and her legs were shaking. I turned to her and asked if she was alright. Her response was no. I didn’t quite know what to do so I just stared and waited to see if she would say more as to why she wasn’t okay. No such thing happened as she was too stuck in her head about whatever it was she was nervous about. I touched her shoulder so she would look at me so that I could ask if I could help, our touch sparked and we both flinched, and then burst out laughing, that spark was the start to our friendship. She was the first person to know everything about me, she was the first person to tell me straight that I was being an i***t and she was the first person I saw as my soulmate. She was my everything, I never needed anyone else because I knew I would always have her.” My voice had trailed off... But I don’t have her. I looked at all these people just staring at me, with pity, hatred, sympathy, remorse, it was my fault this happened I should have gone back with her to guild Ford she shouldn’t have been driving alone. It was me! I killed her! I felt the tears stream down my face and I couldn’t breath. I ran off the stage and past all the chairs and people and saw a tree away from the cemetery that I ran towards. I reached the tree almost out of breath and fell to the floor while still crying. I couldn’t go back, I couldn’t face those people, they all loved her, they saw how special she was, why did it end like this, why wasn’t I taken instead? I sat for a long time crying in my arms under this huge tree. No thoughts just me and my tears. Then I heard the grass ruffle and some footsteps approaching, I jerk my head up trying to adjust my eyes from the sun and the swolleness of crying. Tall, male, black shirt and pants, I just couldn’t make out the fa.... blue ocean eyes, chiseled jaw, no no no. Why would he be here he wasn’t even at the funeral, so I had thought. I moved back and my spine hit the tree trunk there was no escaping this confrontation.