The Promise Ring (Dear Jann Series 1)

Chapter 4: Judgements

Days moved a little faster than I anticipated. It was like time was rushing to go somewhere very important. Somehow, this made me a little happy because I know that the days that I am not with Marvin will soon be over. It was hard at first because we don't see each other every day and I know that I am not good at long-distance relationships. I guess I learned from my past relationship. But this time, it was different. Marvin made sure that every weekend, we get to see each other and spend some time together despite our very busy schedules in school. I never expected that it would work, but it did.

During the times I get to spend with Marvin, I came to know him better. I must admit that he wasn't that hard to like, and probably, not hard to love as well. I tried so hard to avoid everything that has any connection to Markus so I can forget about him. Marvin was there to help me. He tried his best to give new memories for both of us. Happy memories that we will both treasure for the rest of our days. He never rushed me into forgetting my past relationship. He was very patient. Although he is not the showy type, especially in front of other people, he always made sure that I knew that he loved me so much. He made me feel so special to him and that he was willing to do anything just to make me happy.

With all his effort for our relationship, why not give it a chance? Maybe I can love him, not as much as I love Markus, but I know I am starting to feel something for him. I know he is starting to make a big part in my heart and my life. Maybe I can love him like he always wanted me to. Maybe this will work.

Aside from spending more time with Marvin, I also joined the cheering squad in the university to make myself busy. This helped me preoccupy my mind from thinking about Markus. After my practice, I went home to Philex. It was an hour trip going home from the city. I even slept during the trip. That's how tired I was.  It was already dark when I arrived home, so even with all my excitement to see Marvin, I decided to see him the following day. I was exhausted with my day's activities and wanted to rest instead.

I was getting ready to sleep when I heard some knock on my door. I wonder who it could be. It was already past 9:00 pm so I was hesitant to open the door. I was home alone because my mom was working a graveyard shift at that time. She left after I arrived. 

I wanted to ignore the knocking on the door but I was also curious who it could be. I went to the door and waited for another knock, but it stopped. I waited for a few seconds if there would be another. Nothing. I shrugged my shoulders. Probably, whoever that was, thought that I am already sleeping so he or she left. I started walking back to my room when the knocking started again. This time someone was calling my name.

I heard him say my name in the middle of knocking on the door gently. My heart was pounding so fast I thought it was going out of my chest. What is he doing here? Why this late in the evening? Why now that I was starting to forget him? That voice, it will forever be stuck on my head. Even if I close my eyes, I know exactly who it belongs to. It was Markus.

"Jann, please. I know you are in there. Let's talk. I just want to see and talk to you." he said. 

But there was something more in his tone. Had he been crying? His voice was a little cracked and he sounded so sad it was breaking my heart to hear him like that. What is he doing here? As much as I don't want to open the door, my curiosity drove me to do so.

I slightly opened the door and looked at him. He was about to knock again. His hand was still in the air when I opened it. I can see that he was slightly surprised too. He put down his hand and smiled. Oh, please don't smile. Those smiles that always made my day complete. Those smiles that washed away all my uncertainties. There was something more in the way he looked at me. Is that sadness in his eyes? He looked so tired and so defeated and yet very happy to see me. How can he have so many emotions on his face? Is that even possible?

"Hello Hon..." he said smiling.

He called me that again. It had been a while since I heard him call me that. But why call me with endearment again? Hon, honey, it was only him who called me that. Why do I feel glad to hear him say it again? It warmed my heart.

"What are you doing here? It's late." I managed to ask him.

"Let's talk, please," he said.

I hesitated for a moment and looked at him. I scanned him from head to toe.  My eyes rested on his chest for a while. It feels like there is a magnet driving me to rest my head on it. Why does he have to be so gorgeous at times like this? Oh I hate my heart for betraying me. Apart of me wanted to run to him and hug him but I keep on reminding myself that we are over. I moved and opened the door so he could come into the house.

Once inside, he looked around like he was searching for some clue if I have company. His gaze stopped at me. He didn't have to ask, I gave him the answer.

"Nobody's home. My mom is at work and if you're looking for Marvin, he is not here. He doesn't know I am here as well." I told him.

He smiled at me again and nodded. Oh please stop smiling! I asked him to sit and I went to the kitchen to get some juice and snacks for us. It felt like the usual days when he used to come to our house. I always try my best to serve him. But this time, it was different. 

I sensed that he was looking at me while I was preparing our snacks. I wanted to tell him to stop gawking at me. I returned with our snack and placed it on the small table between us. I sat on the couch across him so we could see each other face to face. I don't want to be close to him because I was afraid that my heart would betray me again. I know I missed him so much.

"Sorry if I came very late." he started. 

"I saw you came home earlier so I decided to come here."

"Why?" I asked patiently.

I heard him sigh and looked at me. This time the smile was gone. Suddenly I regretted acting so cold to him. I want to see those smiles again. I wanted him to touch my hand. If he does, I know everything will be fine again. I am that weak to him. If he asks me to go back to him, I am afraid I would say yes. Duh, heart, why are you giving me such a hard time?

"Jann, I want answers please. After this, I will not bother you again. Just give me the answers I wanted to hear." he pleaded.

My heart started to beat so fast again. He was not a bother at all. I wanted him to bother me always like he used to. Why is my heart betraying me? I wanted to shout at my heart. Why was he demanding answers from me? Shouldn't I be the one asking for answers? It was like there were two of me in my head and were arguing at that very moment. I wanted to shut them both.

"I will try to answer whatever questions you have." I sighed.

"Why him? Why my best friend?" he asked rather quickly.

There it goes, gone are my desires of him touching me again. Waves of mixed emotions are starting to hurt my chest. Everything went back to the day he ended our relationship and I remembered how hard that was for me. How I cried and how I wanted to just vanish. How many tears did I cry for him that day? But I needed to keep myself together to finish what I started.

"Markus, it is not what you think about how this thing started,” I said while trying so hard to keep my cool.

 “The day you broke my heart, it was Marvin who came to comfort me. I felt so alone and there was no one I could run to. I felt so broken. And there he was, with open arms, ready to comfort me. Of all the people, he was the only one who knew what I was going through. On how hurt I was." I said as my eyes are starting heat and warning me that the tears are almost ready to roll.

Why do I feel like I am obliged to explain? I wasn't the one who turned away from our relationship and yet I am hurting so bad within. I should be shouting to him and demanding answers instead of him demanding answers from me. It feels so unfair and yet I don't have any guts to complain. Why?

"He is my best friend. Are you using him to get even with me?" he asked.

He never took his gaze from me. It was like he didn't want to miss my reaction. I looked back at him. Heat was starting on my cheeks and I know he noticed it too.

"Yes," I said bluntly to him. 

I wanted to make him feel the pain too. But why is it hurting me back again?

"You don't love him," he said.

It was more like an order than a statement. I suddenly couldn't contain my emotions anymore.

"What do you know about love? Did you even love me for you to say that I can't love Marvin? You are so full of yourself. Don't talk and act like you own me after you ditch and wasted all the love that I gave you." tears started rolling down my face while saying those to him.

I looked at him and I can see that he wanted to go near me but he was trying to stop himself. Why can't he just be honest with what he feels for once?

"You don't love him. I will make sure your relationship won't last. You will never get my blessing because I know you still love me. I will do everything I can to destroy your so-called affair." he glared.

Before I could answer, he left and I was alone crying and so confused again. Why can't he be happy for me? It was his idea of ending our relationship and yet he is threatening me to destroy my relationship with Marvin. Is he hurt that bad? I should be happy right? But I am not. I feel so defeated and I wanted to run after him and tell him that I still do love him so much. I slept with tears in my eyes that night.

I woke up with swollen eyes from crying that night. I tried to put some ice cubes on it so it can reduce the swelling. Somehow, it worked. All my excitement to see Marvin vanished because of what happened. I didn't feel like meeting up with him because I might end up destroying both our weekends. I didn't want him to notice my swollen eyes and would start asking questions. As much as possible, I don't want them to encounter each other again.

I tried to keep myself busy that day. I cleaned the house and tried to cook. This somehow surprised my mom but she let me be. I didn't bother her too because I know that she was tired from working that night, so I let her sleep and I did all the chores that I can do. 

After all the chores, I decided to unwind by listening to some music by the window. Just as I was relaxing my mind and soul, someone called me and I was a bit surprised to see who it was. It was Drake De Vera, another common friend of ours. He was not that close to me so I was surprised to see him. I went out of the house because I didn't want to wake my mom, or more, I didn't want her to know what I was going through.

"Hey. What brought you here?" I asked as I approached him.

"I was worried about you," he said.

"Hmm, why is that? I am fine." I told him and smiled.

"Jann, I know that Markus was here last night and I know that things are not good for both of you. Or should I say, for the three of you," he said.

"Were you spying on me?" I said jokingly but he seemed so damned serious.

"Jann, Marvin is my friend and so is Markus. I don't want anyone to get hurt again. I don't want to see Marvin get hurt." he said.

I felt like he just slapped me on my face. So this is my fault now? I can feel my anger raging and I wanted to shout at him but I controlled myself because I know he has nothing to do with it. I feel like the world was a little unfair at that time. I was the one hurting and yet people see me to be the one hurting Marvin soon. I don't deserve this kind of treatment.

"What the hell are you saying?" I asked him coldly.

"Look Jann, everyone knows your relationship with Markus. They know that those two are best friends. People are talking behind you. Asking why those best friends? Some think that the problem was you and think that you will do the same thing to Marvin. You will hurt him like you did to Markus." he said accusingly.

I didn't stop the tears that came out of my eyes. Those were tears of anger.

'I don't care what people think. I am the one hurting and not Markus. I did nothing wrong. If there is one person to blame for all of this, it is him and not me." I said while controlling my voice not to scream at him.

"Sorry. I think I went too far. What I am trying to say is, you better watch out. Markus is planning a way to get even to both of you. I just don't want to see any of you getting hurt again," he said apologetically.

"Don't judge me Drake. You don't know a thing about me." I said as a matter of fact.

"I know and I'm sorry if it came out wrong," he said and left.

I never thought that people can be so unfair with their judgment. I was the one hurting and yet I was the one being judged. Why did they think that I will be hurting Marvin soon? I wiped off the tears in my eyes and went back inside the house. I went back to listening to my music and was hoping that time will move faster so I can go away from that place and go back to my dancing. Maybe in that way, I can forget how I was hurting from people's judgments on me. 

For some reason I found the courage, building inside me to defend myself. I promised myself to prove to the other people that they are wrong. I will make our relationship work and will do my best not to hurt Marvin and will keep Markus away from us. I decided to focus my attention on Marvin and him alone and fight back whatever feelings left I have for my ex. Yes, he was just an ex.