Let's Waste Time

Chapter Fourteen

Chris left two weeks later. His girlfriend was on her spring break, so he went back home to Oakland to see her, and I stayed home alone.

I knew when he got back because I heard his door open. I found myself bolting off the couch to go greet him, but when I opened the front door, there was a girl standing on the front steps. Chris froze and looked at me, something in his eyes told me he was begging me not to say anything. I cleared my throat.

“Thought you were UPS. Waiting for a package,” I said. Then I quickly snapped the door shut and went to sulk on my couch.

I wasn’t jealous. I was lonely. And I hated being alone. I’d been the odd one out all my life. The daughter that never belonged with the others. The nerdy kid at school who never had any friends. I finally met the man of my dreams, and he was married to someone else. The next man to show me any attention at all had a girlfriend too. How much more pathetic could I get?

And then I did something that I didn’t do very often. I leaned on my knees and felt my eyes get hot with tears. I tried to wipe them away, but it didn’t work. They spilled out too quickly, so I just let them drip onto my jeans. I tried desperately to keep the noise down because I didn’t want Chris to overhear. I didn’t want him to know that I was upset. Or why. It wasn’t him. It wasn’t that he had Heidi with him. It was because my life was shitty, and I was destined to spend it alone and unloved and only wanted for s*x.

The next morning I woke up when I heard Chris let himself into my apartment. I had cried myself to sleep on my couch. He leaned onto his knees beside me, and I felt his fingers in my hair. I kept my eyes closed because I didn’t want to talk to him. But then I felt his lips on my nose. That wasn’t part of the deal. Of course, I’d never made a rule about kissing on the nose, but it was something you did to someone you cared about. Like your partner or your children. Not the girl you only spoke to in order to have someone keep your bed warm when your girlfriend couldn’t do the job.

“I know you’re awake, Marley,” he said softly.

“I don’t want to be,” I replied.

“Why not?” I rolled over onto my other side so that my back was to him.

“Because I hate my life,” I admitted.

“Why?”

“Because I hate being lonely. The only two people I have to make that feeling go away both belong to someone else. I have a shitty job, and my family hates me. The guy I’m in love with has a wife and kids, and the guy I’m sleeping with lied to me about his girlfriend agreeing to an open relationship. It’s stupid. I'm an idiot.” He patted my arm.

“I didn’t lie to you. I just didn’t exactly want to introduce my girlfriend to the girl I’m sleeping with.”

“It’s still stupid.”

“You’re not stupid—Maybe we both are. We ruined our friendship for s*x. Sure, it’s great s*x. I’m not complaining about that. But we were so damn desperate for it that we ruined the one good thing we both had going for us.”

“What’s that?”

“We were really good friends. Now things are complicated. We have built up guilt and resentment, and it’s completely f****d up. All because we wanted to get laid. Or at least I did. I shouldn’t have done that to you.”

I wanted to cry and whine like a little baby. I knew from the start he only wanted me for s*x, but everyone wants to be loved by someone. At that moment, I felt like I wasn’t loved by anyone. It just hurt even more to hear that he was one of the many people who didn’t love me. He heard me sniff and ran his hand up and down my back.

“Let’s do something,” he said. “Let’s try to salvage as much of this as we can. Let’s go to a movie. We’ve never gone out before. We’ll go get breakfast, catch a movie. Hang out. Like friends do. Like how we used to be.” I nodded and wiped my eyes on the blanket draped over the back of the couch.

“Okay—I just need to take a shower and stuff.”

“Meet you out front in an hour?” I nodded.

“I’ll be there.” He patted my arm one more time before leaving.

When he was gone, I sat up to locate my glasses. Then I took a moment to collect myself before going to take a shower and getting dressed for the day. I didn’t try to go all out. I just made sure my hair wasn’t a mess, and I looked halfway decent. It wasn’t a date, so I didn’t bother with makeup or any of my nice clothes. Chris was waiting for me out front just like he promised, and he didn’t get dressed up either.

Since it was still early, we decided to get breakfast first. We’d never done anything outside of the apartment building before. The farthest we’d gone from our own floor was when we fooled around in his backseat that one time. Otherwise, this was entirely new.

He talked to me during breakfast. Chris was easy to talk to. He always had been, but I still felt kind of awkward and depressed. He seemed to know that, but he didn’t make it obvious. He just kept asking me questions and telling me stories to keep the conversation alive. Occasionally I noticed him watching me as if he was afraid I was going to burst into tears in the middle of IHOP.

When we got to the movies, we picked something that we both might like and got settled in to watch it. I still felt awkward because we usually watched movies with beer and take-out. But there we were with sodas and candy, sitting in large, uncomfortable seats with all our clothes still on. I noticed him tapping his fingers on the armrest between us. I kept my arms to myself.

“Are you okay?” I asked him as the previews started.

“Fine,” he said quietly.

Luckily the movie came on, and we didn’t have to pay any attention to each other. Not that I didn’t feel him there. It was strange to be watching a movie with him again and having him so close, but not touching. I could reach out and touch him if I wanted to, but we were in public. I also knew this was probably the end of our s****l relationship, and this was his attempt at getting us back to our old friendship. It frustrated me even more because that tension was still there.

When the movie was over, we went right home. I can say he was a gentleman and walked me to my door, but his door was right beside mine, so it didn’t count. Either way, we both stopped on the front steps and took a moment to speak as we stood there clutching our keys. His orange key was bright and vibrant on my chain. My teal one stuck out on his set.

“So this was fun,” he said, trying to sound cheery as he slowly picked through his keys.

“Yeah—thanks,” I replied. He stepped closer to me, and I finally looked up.

“Don’t beat yourself up over this okay?” he told me as he pulled me into his arms. I stiffened against him and held my arms limply at my sides. “You’re amazing, and a lot of people love you.” I scoffed.

“Like who?”

“Your friends. I’ve only met them a few times, but they seem to genuinely care about you.” I sighed.

“It’s not the same.”

“I know it isn’t.” And he kept holding me.

Finally, I gave in and wrapped my arms around his chest. I rested my head against him and closed my eyes. I understood what he was trying to do. He was attempting to comfort me and give me this small moment where I felt wanted. But then his hand came up, and he brushed my hair behind my ear again. I hated putting my hair behind my ear because it always stuck out and went wonky. But I let him do it anyway. Sometimes it was nice to be touched.

Then I felt his lips on my cheek, and the hug felt different again. I liked when he touched me that way. It was a gentle tease. Not entirely s****l, but could be if he moved the location of his lips. At that moment, it was just my cheek, so the tease was reassuring and sweet. He was leaning down, so I moved my head and brushed my lips against his. Just the tease again. Not a real kiss. It didn’t count. But I felt his hands come up and hold the back of my head. Then he dropped his lips so that mine touched his forehead.

I wanted to kiss him. I didn’t know where the thought came from. He was attractive, yes, but I didn’t look at Chris and think about being with him romantically. I didn’t want to kiss him and love him. I just wanted the affection. I just wanted to feel loved. Even if it wasn’t real.

“Do you think this is a good idea?” I asked him.

“It was never a good idea, Marley,” he replied.

“Do you want me to go?”

“No.” I sighed heavily and leaned forward to hold him tightly again.

“You can come in with me if you want to,” I suggested. He took a moment to answer, but then he nodded.

“Yeah,” he said.