Let's Waste Time

Chapter Eighteen

The next day I avoided Chris at all costs. I went to hang out with the guys so that I wasn’t home where he could find me. He never had my phone number, but he had my key. And I didn’t want him to let himself into my apartment and make me speak to him. But when I got home, I was getting settled in and digging through my fridge for something to eat. The doorbell rang. I felt my heart began to pound even though Chris could have just walked in. However, there was a pizza guy on the front steps.

“I didn’t order a pizza,” I told him.

“It’s already paid for,” he said.

He handed the pizza over and left. I stood there in the doorway for a moment holding the hot box. Then I looked around the outside to Chris’s black painted door. I was pretty sure he was the one who sent the pizza. So I sat it down on his welcome mat and went back to my apartment. I took a shower and settled on ramen noodles for dinner. When I was done, I poked my head out the door. The pizza was gone, but there was a note just under my address marker.

“I’ll be out of town for a few weeks,” it said. I ripped it off the door but didn’t write back. I didn’t want him to think it was an invitation for a conversation.

If you want the truth, I missed him. It wasn’t that I’d grown to love him. I just missed the fun we had together. I missed the once a week movies. I missed our goofy conversations. And obviously I really missed the s*x. But I didn’t want to risk screwing things up with Trent again. He already lost his trust in me. I didn’t want to make it worse.

Chris’s apartment was quiet for a long time. I actually started to think maybe he’d moved without telling me. He was gone for only a few weeks, but it felt like forever. And maybe a part of me got used to not having him around. I began to move on. But every time I had to pass by his door, I thought about him. I thought about the night’s we’d shared together. The incredible s*x we’d had. And sometimes I was struck with an odd sense of longing. Not for the s*x but for that one night of intimate closeness.

Trent came to see me again, and we pretended it never happened. He only brought it up once over dinner. He just said, “Are you still seeing that guy?” I told him, “No, he has a girlfriend.” And he let it go. But then when we went to bed that night, I couldn’t help but feel emotionally detached. It felt routine and boring and average. There was no intimacy like that one night with Chris. Mostly I was just starting to feel used. But I shoved that thought away as quickly as it appeared. I loved Trent, and I wanted us to have a life together. So I tried to make it work, even if that meant I’d have to forget about Chris.

I didn’t see him when he got back. I just knew he was there. I was walking up the steps one day when I could smell food coming from his apartment. I could hear music playing through the door. I stood on the front steps for a long time debating whether or not I should knock and say hello. Maybe I just wanted him to find me there and force me to acknowledge him. But he never opened the door, and I didn’t want my greeting to be misinterpreted. We’d probably end up right back in bed again, and I’d screw up all the process I’d made with Trent.

But it was normal for things to come along and screw everything up. No matter how comfortable I got with my life, there was always something there to bring me back down again. I wasn’t happy, mind you. I was still feeling pretty terrible and lonely and miserable. But I was struggling to get my life back on track. I had hope for my future, at least, and that was something I was going to cling to.

Trent and I were back to seeing each other on occasion and calling once a week. Chris and I didn’t see each other except for one time we’d passed each other on the front steps. I ran back into my apartment like I was afraid my shirt would fly right off my body.

When summer arrived, I found myself thinking about him more and more. I got ready for work in the morning and grabbed my computer bag so I could lug my laptop to the coffee shop. Since it was summer break, I figured Chris had gone home to see his girlfriend. Or maybe she’d come to visit soon. I didn’t know. I just knew they were usually always together when she was on break. But when I opened the door, he was already outside, coming back from his morning run. He was alone, unlocking his door, and he turned around to look at me. I froze in the doorway. He was beautiful. Even with his facial hair growing in and sweaty from running.

“Hey,” I said. It was the first thing I’d said to him in weeks. And he’d never given me my key back. Or used it.

“Hey,” he replied with a nod. I went to close my door and heard someone coming up the steps behind us. I casually glanced at the man as he approached. He stopped a few steps away from me and looked us over.

“Marley?” he asked. I nodded slowly and held onto the strap of my bag. The man was dressed casually and not like a delivery guy or anything.

“Yeah?” I replied. He ran his hands down his face.

“I’ve been trying to find you for a long time.” My eyebrows furrowed, and Chris dropped his keys. I glanced at him, wondering if maybe he was stalling on purpose.

“Okay—you found me.”

“I’m uh—I’m not really sure what you know about me, but I wanted to see you anyway. I’m uh—I’m your father.” I felt all the blood drain from my face. I instinctively took a step back and bumped into the door. I saw Chris stand up straight beside me.

“What—what are you doing here?”

“I’ve been trying to find you for the past twenty years. I—I wanted to meet you. To get to know you. Have a relationship with you.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“A relationship?” I whispered. He nodded. He looked nervous as he stood on the steps. There was gray flecked in his brown hair, but it was my hair. And his eyes were green. Like mine. “You—you want a relationship with me?” My voice started to waiver, and Chris took a step toward me.

“Marley,” he said. I forgot everything that had happened between us. I shot him a panicked look. I wanted him to fix it. To make the man go away.

“You r***d my mother,” I stated as I turned back to the strange man with my eyes. “You r***d my mother, and you want a relationship with me? Are you shitting me?!” He seemed shocked and shook his head slowly.

“I know you probably hate me, but I never—”

“You think just because I’m—part of you that you can just walk in and be part of my life? It doesn’t work like that!” I felt tears begin to spill out of my eyelids. “I had a father!” I yelled. “I had a great dad! And I don’t need you! I don’t want you! I was perfectly happy pretending you didn’t exist! The best thing you ever did for me was stay far far away! Please— don’t ever come back! Please just go away!” Chris touched my shoulder.

“Marley, please? Just give me a chance to explain things to you.”

“How dare you use that name! My father gave me that name! I won’t let you explain a damn thing! You r***d my mother, you son of a b***h!”

“Marley, come on,” Chris said. He got my door open and pushed me back inside. I reached for the handle, but he stepped back outside and held onto the knob from the other side.

“Let me out!” I shrieked. I dropped my computer bag to the floor and struck the door with my fists.

“I think you should leave,” I heard Chris say from the other side of the door. The window above the door was cracked to let in air, and I could hear them perfectly.

“She’s my daughter. I have a right to see her. I have a right to defend myself,” the man replied.

“No, you don’t have any right to see her. You lost that right when you hurt her mother.”

“Who the hell are you?”

“I’m someone who cares about her, and I’m trying to protect her. Seeing you is the last thing she wants, and you’re doing more harm than good by being here.”

“You’re probably right. It’s just—she’s the only kid I have. I wanted to make amends.”

“The best thing you can do for her is to let her live her life without you.”

“You’re right. I’ll just—I’ll just leave.” I heard his footsteps on the steps, and I pushed away from the door. I made it two feet toward the bedroom before it overwhelmed me. I went to my knees and wrapped my arms around my head. I heard Chris open the door, close it, and lock it behind himself.

“Marley?” he said softly. I didn’t answer because I was sobbing into my legs. It was the kind of crying where everything is leaking from your face, and you have to keep gasping for air to stop yourself from suffocating. It was the horrible, intense, violent kind of sobbing. He knelt down in front of me and put his hands on my arms.

“Marley?” he repeated.

“No,” I whined. “No, no, no.”

He moved his hands down my arms and then finally pulled me toward him. I fought him for a moment in an attempt to push him away, but I didn’t try very hard. So I just gave up and let him pull me onto his lap. He wrapped both his arms around me, and I buried my face against his chest. I soaked his shirt with my tears, and God knows what else. I was letting out twenty-two years of pain, anger, and hatred. A lot of tears had built up during that time.

He just continued to hold me while I went hysterical in his arms. He had his cheek resting on my head, and I held him back tightly. I needed someone. Anyone. I needed human contact. Someone gentle to reassure me that not all humans were horrible and my life didn’t have to suck as much as it did. Maybe I told myself then that I wished Trent was there instead of Chris, but Trent could never comfort me the way that Chris did.