Let's Waste Time

Chapter Five

On Friday morning when I was coming back from the coffee shop, I ran into Chris at the front door. We bumped into each other as he was leaving for work. He was wearing a beanie, and it didn’t look like he’d shaved since I’d last seen him. But his eyes were that same bright baby blue that almost matched the damn sky.

“Hey,” he said as I balanced my computer bag on my shoulder and dug around inside for my key. I nodded back.

“What’s up?” I replied.

“You still on for Sunday?”

“I’m shivering with anticipation. I forgot to ask, though. Are you allergic to anything?”

“Not that I’m aware of.”

“Cool. I have to get back to work. But I’ll see you later.”

“Alright, bye.” And then he hopped down the steps to his car that was too small for him, and I hurried back inside where it was slightly warmer.

On Sunday, I decided that it might be beneficial to me to learn how to cook something other than microwaved food. By the time six rolled around, I decided that was never going to happen. So I called for takeout. But I did manage to make a batch of brownies. I mostly did this because I was craving brownie batter like mad and it was on sale. I just didn’t want Chris to think he was special, and I made them for him or anything. He arrived just after six.

Eventually, we decided that Tuesday was probably the best day for the both of us since he got off early on Tuesdays, and I never had plans ever. So every Tuesday we would meet to watch a movie and eat take-out. And then at some point, I began to look forward to hanging out with him. We were friends. But in that natural sort of way where you don’t really have to talk a whole lot about your life and both of you are perfectly fine with the silence. It was never awkward, even though he sometimes had the tendency to come over to my house in his underwear to borrow stuff from me.

We were just kind of like movie buddies. We would sit in front of the TV and laugh and talk on occasion, but our conversations never got too personal, and if they did neither of us would push the issue. It was just good, easy fun. And of course, that was destined never to last. Because whether or not I noticed it at the time, there was a weird kind of tension that was growing between us.

At first, the tension was easy to brush off as nothing at all. Until Trent came to visit when Chris was supposed to come watch a movie with me. I heard the doorbell ring from my bedroom. Trent was already asleep, and I was lying in bed beside him, twiddling my thumbs in boredom, wishing he’d wake up so I could have someone to keep me company.

I completely forgot about our movie plans until I heard the bell ring. Then I jumped out of bed, threw on some shorts and a shirt, and bolted to the door. I pulled it open to find the tall man standing just within the lamp that separated our doors.

“s**t, I forgot!” I exclaimed.

“It’s cool,” he replied with a soft laugh.

“I kind of have someone over. It’s probably best if we reschedule for next week instead.” He smiled and nodded, and I felt awful for messing with our plans. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. And that should have been clue number one because I usually didn’t care about people’s feelings.

“Boyfriend?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I confirmed. “He’s kind of—asleep.”

“It’s not a problem. I suppose you don’t want this veggie burger I got you then.” He lifted the bag and dangled it, enticing me with the scent of greasy french fries.

“I’ve never had a veggie burger. Is it good?” He laughed and opened the bag. Then he pulled out one yellow wrapped burger and handed it over. Then a small bag of fries.

“You’ll just have to see for yourself, I guess. Eat it while it’s hot, though, or it’ll get soggy.”

“You’re the best, you know that?” I said as I balanced the food in my arms. I hadn’t even eaten dinner, and I was starving. I could feel myself getting dizzy just thinking about food.

“I know. So next Tuesday then?”

“Yes. No plans that I know of. Sorry for not warning you.”

“It’s alright. I’ll see you then. We never finished Indiana Jones.”

“Next up, Last Crusade. My favorite. See you then. Thanks for the burger. I promise I’ll make it up to you.” He waved and went back to his black painted door.

“No worries. See you.”

I closed the door and headed back into my apartment. Trent was still asleep, so I figured he wouldn’t mind if I had dinner without him. I sat down on the couch, crossed my legs, and tore open the wrapper. But I still felt awful about blowing him off. And I was bored. I could have let him in anyway and watched the movie while Trent slept. But Trent might get jealous. And that was clue number two.

He woke up a minute later. I heard his footsteps on the floor behind me. Then he leaned over the back of the couch and kissed my neck from behind.

“Mm, what’d you get?” he asked. His black hair was disheveled and tickled my shoulders as he leaned against me.

“Veggie burger. It’s magnificent. Want some?” I asked as I held it up to him. He grimaced.

“Gross. No thanks.”

“Sorry, I didn’t wake you up. A friend brought it over, but I have some frozen TV dinners if you want one.”

“Yeah sure. I’ll go heat it up.”

“Cool.”

I watched him walk to the kitchen as I ate my burger. He was scrawnier than Chris was. But that’s because Trent had a busy job and a family. Chris played sports and went running every morning no matter how late we stayed up. It wasn’t a bad thing that Trent was scrawny. I’d always liked skinnier guys. I’d never actually been with a muscular man.

And that was clue number three. I should have figured it out then. I should have paid more attention to my own thoughts. I felt bad about canceling our plans. I didn’t want Trent to know about him because I knew Trent would put a stop to it. And I was starting to point out their differences. At that point in time, I still thought Trent was the man for me. I refused to acknowledge the signs. But it should have been clear that I was already starting to favor Chris.

The following Tuesday he showed up just as planned, and we went about our regular routine. I liked that he was my friend without any complications. He didn’t care that I had ditched him for my boyfriend, or at least he didn’t say anything about it. I didn’t care that he sometimes spent our movie nights texting his girlfriend. Sometimes he would head home to Oakland for a week or two and would ditch me, and then when he got home, we would go back to our regular pattern.

He wasn’t a close friend like Todd, Doug, and Albert, but we got along pretty nicely, and sometimes it was nice to have someone around who liked to watch the same movies. Not that the other guys didn’t also like those films. Just that we had already watched them a million times, and so our movie sessions always ended up being deep character analysis or about how many marshmallows we could shove into our mouths all at once.

Chris and I never even exchanged phone numbers, and I liked it that way. It kept things distant. Because even then maybe a subconscious part of me knew. Maybe my desire to keep things distant was because deep down inside I knew that once we crossed over that line, there would be no coming back.

But all friendships change in some way. Either you become great friends as I was with the guys. Or you start to care about each other and begin to meddle in business that isn’t yours. You cross some boundary and f**k it up. Or maybe you just decide you can’t even stand each other. Or, like in our case, it gets s****l, and you f**k it up beyond repair.