First love

Chap 2

[Where is youth?

Every look in the teenager's eyes, black and white, was clear, like a curtain.

Courage, emotion, weakness, curiosity, desire, confusion, sadness, disappointment, reflection...

All the beautiful nuances are displayed on that clear black and white screen.

When that curtain is raised, we are innocent and unaware, even though it is close to our eyes..

The reason is because it's too close, almost in our eyes, so we can't see it.

Only when it gradually moves away can we see it clearly. Seeing everything clearly might be wonderful, perhaps seeing the stories behind people's backs that have clear cause and effect, but, after all the images have been turned into a roll of film, even if we smile, often in tears, I can only stand from afar and look back at that early time, quietly watching the images gradually appear on the screen and gradually disappear.

That is youth, only after leaving can we see clearly.]

Start remembering

I was born into a very normal family, my family's conditions are neither rich nor poor, my parents' educational level is neither high nor low. In my memory before I was five years old, there were very few pictures of them, because when I was one year and five months old, my younger sister La Vien Vien was born, and my parents took me to live with my grandfather.

Living with my grandfather, I was very happy, had thousands of love for the rest of my life, and was a typical child soaking in the "honey jar".

My grandfather is an engineer who specializes in the best wooden structures in the locality. He can draw circles without a compass. He can write beautifully in small letters. When he is old, when he is happy, he reads Kim Dung's stories, and to this day In the house there is still a handwritten copy of his story book "Y Thien Do Long Ky", it is bound into a book like a beautiful and precious ancient book. He came from a wealthy background and had a large orange garden.

Because of his background, in those years he went through many ups and downs. No matter what suffering, he faced it coldly. The only thing he could not be cold about was when he divorced his grandmother. After the divorce, my grandmother took my mother away from home. She married someone else. That man did not treat my mother well. My mother's childhood and adolescence were unhappy. By the time my mother met her grandfather again, it was more than twenty years later. When she first saw him again, no matter what, she didn't call out "Dad", but my grandfather was still in tears.

It wasn't my grandfather's fault that my grandmother wanted a divorce, but he always felt guilty towards my mother. Moreover, when he came to live with him, he pampered me to the point that both people and gods were angry. My mother's stepmother remembers, before I was a pompous and arrogant girl. She wanted her to buy me a pair of small leather shoes. In the morning, she helped me put them on, but I resolutely refused to wear them. I hated them. The leather shoes were not brightly colored. No matter how much she advised me, I wouldn't use them, so she skipped breakfast to help me polish my shoes. She only resented me for two sentences, and I immediately ran to tell my grandfather. , insisted that he s***k her, but her grandfather seriously took the newspaper and patted her twice. Also, no matter who takes the photo in the house, I can't help but let me in. If they don't let me take a photo with them, then that person shouldn't expect to be photographed, even if my stepmother takes a photo with her colleagues. I also squeezed in, so even though taking photos was still a very rare serious thing that year, under the age of five I had a lot of photos taken, usually with a bunch of adults and a girl in the middle. I was so small, everyone was laughing and crying, I was so excited.

Those memories were all told by my mother's stepmother, but I don't remember them clearly at all. In my memory, I only clearly remember my grandfather taking me fishing. I didn't like him carrying me but wanted to walk on my own. He walked beside me. The road was short, but I picked flowers as I walked, and then I wanted to go. catching grasshoppers, so it's normal to go for an hour or two, my grandfather still goes with me; He bought chocolate wine [1] for me, just because I like to eat it, and he doesn't mind adults telling children not to eat things that contain alcohol; I spilled water on his ancient book, his second wife looked at it and was heartbroken. He just laughed. Early in the morning, he taught me to chant "Spring without realizing it"; At dusk, he carried me and sat on the swing, rocking back and forth under the sunset. (Spring Mien suddenly understood: Sleeping on a spring night does not know the morning sun.)

Under my grandfather's pampering, I was arrogant and happy.

When I was five years old, because I had to go to elementary school, my parents came to pick me up. I still remember when my mother appeared in front of me, I refused to call her "mom", I just sucked on a lollipop, and looked suspiciously at the woman with a painful expression coming from afar. Amidst my loud screams and kicks, my mother strongly hugged me to the train station, returning to my "home".

Since then, my happiness has ended and my suffering has begun again.

When I was with my grandfather, I was a little princess, I had the best of everything, lots of love, the whole world revolved around me,

But, when I was with my parents, there was another little girl, my little sister who was the little princess.

My parents are busy working, but when they have free time they spend it with my sister. I grew up next to my parents, I could talk and laugh freely, I could act like a babe, I could make my parents happy, but for a long time I refused to call them "dad" or "mom".

The two children were not much different in age, but both were raised and pampered. When in the same place, it was inevitable that they would compete with each other for toys and snacks. I was once again criticized by my parents. advised and warned, “You are the older sister, you must yield to the younger sister.” Hype wanted sisters to get along, so she gave way to her sister.

Under the education of "Sisters get along well, older sisters give way to younger sisters", the best toy for me, the best food for me, the most beautiful dress for me, in short, only If you need what you want, if you like, then my older sister will give up those things without a whimper.

After countless times "I let my sister go", I started to study well. I often avoided going out to play alone. No matter what it was, I consciously waited for my sister to choose first, and I would take whatever she didn't need. It's mine, even if it's already mine, as long as you want, I can give it to you. Eating dinner, sitting at the dining table, not saying a word, eating very quickly, then leaving, they laughed and talked to each other and had nothing to do with me.

I went from chirping and chirping to becoming quiet and speechless. I often remember my grandfather, at that time, every time I was miserable and lonely, I would think that I would wait until I grew up, wait until I could sit on the train by myself, and I would return to him, that's all, I I feel like my life still has some hope.

The image most deeply engraved in my memory is one sunset, my mother was busy in the kitchen, I ducked into a corner of the bookshelf to look at children's picture books, my father returned from work, opened the door, and the voice called. The first one was "Vien Vien", the younger sister called out "Dad", happily ran to her father, his father picked her up, threw her up high and then picked her up again, the two of them laughed loudly in the living room. .

At that time, school age was strictly controlled. If you were less than seven years old, you were absolutely not allowed to go to school, let alone being one year younger, not even one month younger. Because my father wanted to let me enroll, he thought of a way to let me enroll based on his relationship

At the bi ministry's elementary school, which was built by the military, admission standards were much more relaxed.

However, because I had tuberculosis, I hadn't learned much yet and had to take a break from school.

After a year at home recovering from illness, my parents asked me if I wanted to go to first grade or continue to second grade.

At that time, a famous folk song circulated in schools: "Save the class for birth, star flower for the doctor." The doctor said it was delicious, but it turns out he was the one who was born in the same room! [2]

[2] A folk song has rhymes, so I put it in Chinese and Vietnamese, "When you stay in the ban, you will be born again." The understanding is this: "The student who repeated the grade roasted peanuts, roasted the peanuts for the doctor, the doctor said it was delicious, so it turned out he was a student repeating the grade." (Maybe it's just a rhyme, I don't know why it's said like that :”>.)

With my own eyes, I saw a group of children gathered on the side of the road raising their voices to tease a small child like that. Thinking about it, I shivered and told my parents decisively that I wanted to go to second grade. So my parents let me study in second grade.

I was younger than my classmates, my mind was still naive, and I wasn't in my first year, so the results were easy to imagine - my results weren't good at all. Because of my weird personality, I'm quiet and don't talk much, and my grades aren't good. From head to toe, I'm not the type of student that my teachers like, so I show off my weird personality even more, and I'm quiet less. profit, poor performance.

However, none of those things are very important, because my parents don't care about my academic achievements. Until now, whether my test results are first or second from the bottom, they still don't scold me. For me, my parents just told me to try my best, so I didn't have too much academic pressure. Except for my younger sister who makes me admire, envy, and hate her, and my family who makes me feel extremely pressured and lonely, my life has no obstacles, I even know a friend. extremely good friend —— Cat Hieu Phi, his academic results are at the top of the class, he is an only girl, he really admires me for having a younger sister who can play with me, and I admire him because he can play together. being an only daughter. When I was in middle school, in political science class, I knew that family planning was the basic policy of the country. I also blamed my country for not following any policy properly.

Cat Hieu Phi really likes to talk, but I really don't like to talk. When he's next to me, he's not the type to compete with me at all. Besides that difference, Cat Hieu Phi and I also have one thing in common, which is that we both don't like going home. Usually after school, our classmates happily run home, but the two of us I still wander around school.

Wandered around many times, looked up and didn't see him bowing, often went back and forth, we became good friends, and when I was in front of him, sometimes I was as active and mischievous as when I was with my grandfather. . The two of us went to school together, after school together, when we were together, we were always holding hands. I felt like you were my sister. I even kept half of a piece of candy for you. You're very kind. For me, as long as I think I want it, you'd rather not need it and leave it to me. When I'm not happy, you always try to do everything to make me smile. My hands are very clumsy, every time I start a lesson. Every student writes slower than other students. He always helps me with my homework, waits until I finish it, then rushes to do his own work.

The two of them get along like twins, but unfortunately they can't always stick together. One day after school, we held hands and played for a long time, still not wanting to separate, but it was already dark.

Hieu Phi said he didn't want to go home and asked if I could go with him. I immediately invited him to my house. When my parents saw me bringing a child home, they warmly entertained him. At night, the two of us slept in the same bed, head to head. That was the first time I didn't feel lonely at home, but felt extremely happy.

The next day, when I got up from bed and saw my parents' haggard faces, I realized that Hieu Phi's failure to come home last night had created a panic. During those years, there were no phones, so his parents could only do it. I went from house to house looking for my child, only arriving at my house at midnight, two or three in the morning. Dad was unhappy because Hieu Phi lied to his parents and knew he was at my house, but mom didn't say much. She still made a rich breakfast like before, so we could finish breakfast and go to school.

Hieu Phi was sad and unhappy one day, then the next day he was happy and comfortable.

Because of Hieu Phi, even though my life has ghosts, it is still considered happy. However, perhaps life felt that my little camel was not carrying enough weight, so it threw me a very heavy wooden stick.

When I was in third grade in elementary school, because my father transferred his job, I had to leave this place and go to a new city. Hieu Phi and I tearfully said goodbye. He hugged me and cried loudly, even though at that time I didn't care. But as soon as I sat in the car, my tears flowed out again. I didn't want my parents to find out. I had to close my mouth tightly to be able to cry without making a sound.

When you're young, you don't really understand anything It's called separation, but I still cried because of separation.

Entering a new elementary school, I met a new math teacher —— teacher Trieu. From then on, new hardships in my life began again.

That evil witch put a heavy psychological burden on me towards my teachers. Every time I read something like a teacher is a candle, lighting the way for students, I laugh coldly. My life experience is completely opposite. It is true that there are good teachers, but there are also many teachers who pay too much attention to status. If a student has parents who are high officials, the teachers will be very close. For that child, if that child's parents still work in the Department of Education, then the teacher will be even more gentle with that child, offering carelessly and honestly that can be compared to a candle. However, if your parents are not officials, don't have money, refuse to submit, and have poor academic performance, then in the classroom the teacher will be more likely to use you as a target, using chalk. A blackboard is thrown at your head, or he often looks at you with contemptuous eyes, just glancing lightly and carelessly, but in reality, he uses a sarcastic tone to despise you for being stupid and not being able to answer the question. .

Adults often think that children have a lot of things they don't understand, but in reality, our hearts are extremely sensitive, we all have "face", we absolutely hate being lectured in front of others. After countless times of red-faced embarrassment, I became more and more afraid of the teacher, and she looked down on me more and more. Every time I went to class, she liked to call me by name, stand up to answer questions, and tease me a few times. . I'm stupid, my academic performance is poor, I don't like to talk, even my weird personality all makes her unhappy. To this day, I still clearly remember her pouting, squinting at me, and saying in a tone that regretted that iron cannot become steel: "Why don't you have any childlike appearance?" Why are you so stupid, don't you know where to digest after eating?

Children all have an unusually sensitive heart. At that age, they all like to be loved by their teachers, like to be on the class committee, like to wear two or three red scarves on their arms, and stand at the classroom door. , pouted and seriously checked to see if the classmates were wearing red scarves, if the girls had painted their nails, or if the boys had hair that was too long above their ears. Children have many points where they value face more than adults. Their world is small but their things are not small at all. Primary school teachers throughout society are extremely normal people, but almost all of those teachers, when standing in front of their young students, are like half gods, giving praise and criticism. of teachers, their love or dislike can create an unimaginable butterfly effect [3].

[3] Butterfly effect: is a phrase used to describe the concept in chaos theory about the sensitivity of a system to original conditions.

Obviously, under Ms. Trieu's contempt, my classmates were also affected. They began to dislike playing with me, playing jump rope, punching bags, and shuttlecock. No one wanted to stay in the same house with me. After being embarrassed a few times, I began to proactively distance myself from my classmates. When they were playing around, I sat alone in the flower bed next to me, bewildered.

At home, I'm alone and I give everything to my sister. At school, I was alone, the teacher and my friends didn't like me. At home, I often sit alone in the corner, silently watching my sister hug her father while smiling and cooing; At school, I often stood from afar, silently watching my friends play jumping rope and punching bags.

(In this jumping rope game, children often use a rubber band to tie it together into a long piece, or some kind of soft, elastic rope, two people stand holding both ends, one partner jumps. Just like the jumping rope game in Vietnam.)

In this world, there are many types of bad feelings, but loneliness is the scariest feeling.

Then, accidentally, on my father's bookshelf I saw a martial arts novel by Ancient Dragon, the main character was a lonely hero, abandoned by people. It was like a thunderclap hitting my little heart. mine, I discovered that the bookshelf was a treasure. Since then, I have become even more silent, even more strange, hiding in an imaginary world.