JOURNAL OF MY EVERYDAY LIFE MAMF

HOW CAN I STOP 03152025

March 15, 2025

1:25am

"How can I stop?"

Dear Lord, I'm sorry because even though many things have happened, I still haven't done what I should have. Until now, I don't know how to overcome the memories that haunt me. How can I overcome them, Lord? Why do I still think of her at this moment when I shouldn't? I'm struggling with lustful thoughts towards her. But I'm just here with the Soakers. In that, I was able to overcome my laziness and went there. I had to force myself and remind my tired body that I couldn't let my weakness stop me from going to church or to Your presence. I've been saying that I'll do it since yesterday, but I still haven't been able to do it, Lord. It's hard to wait, but for women, it's a really tough season of waiting. We men struggle with timing and really need Your guidance, Lord, on what to prioritize, what's important, what's beneficial, what shouldn't be done, what needs attention, and what's right to do. You see, I remembered chatting with her today.

Ecclesiastes 5:4-5

4 When you make a vow to God, do not delay to pay it;

For He has no pleasure in fools.

Pay what you have vowed—

5 Better not to vow than to vow and not pay.

It's hard when we make promises to God. Like my example, I said I wanted to write regularly and make time for God, but I couldn't do it. Other things always come first. I'm distracted, lack focus, and prioritize what I want and what looks good. Sometimes, it's not enjoyable anymore. It's tiring to remember and temporary happiness can't fill the weight of life. Sometimes, I have to dream big and take more action to see results. That's why I'm looking for online work and praying, Lord, that I'll find it soon. I don't know how long this setup will last, but whenever I have time, I'll write in this book and express my thoughts. My routine is the same as yesterday—waking up before 9:30 am (I set my alarm earlier), waiting for my online teaching class at 51Talk, eating late, and always waiting for the results of my online applications. Every day is tiring when thinking about work. Sometimes, I feel like chatting or checking on others, but only with certain people. I wonder, Lord, what she means to me because if I wanted to, I could reach out, but I can. However, I always feel the urge to check on her like checking attendance for the day. Lord, help me stop this, whatever feelings or actions I have towards her. I often remember her and feel like informing her about everything I do. Maybe I'm just used to it because she gave me attention and we were close at first, which was okay. And it's a big factor, Lord, when it's about You. For all the sins I've committed, I pray, Lord, that I can stop them. Only You can change me, not myself or others. I felt Your presence at the Soakers yesterday because I was praying, and it felt so good, like I was in heaven. Lord, help me be more serious in my walk with You, so I won't fall into the same temptations again and can always do good and be a blessing to others. I want to be a good example to those younger than me, the youth or YA. I pray that I can fulfill my calling in You, Lord. In songs, I still think about being a backup. The responsibility of being a worship leader isn't easy. Just the consecration itself is already a challenge. How can I lead people if I myself have many burdens and face many things I can't overcome? But again, Lord, a vow is a vow. I must say Yes, and sometimes I say No. I want to dedicate my life to You, Lord, not just what I can offer but everything I have now, I will give for You. It's a hard vow, Lord, but with Your permission, I can do all things. Everything I have is Yours, Lord. I want to focus on the things that were never mine in the first place. I want to spend more time with You, Lord. Looking back at times when I used to write to You, Lord, reading Your word every day, waking up early, reading the Bible at any time of day, and most of all, sharing Your goodness with the people I love. It's hard, Lord. It's hard to find others who are far away when there are people close by. But not everyone close to me is for me. Lord, I pray that if there's someone meant for me, she will come smoothly without any issues and be recognized by the church. If it's at home, it will be smooth when I introduce her to Mama, Grace, Marlon, and even here in the compound. I will never stop loving You, Lord, and I don't want to ask for more from You because You alone are enough for us. I pray, Lord, that at this time, my partner will give time to You. I pray, Lord, that You will be more in our lives and that we will always be faithful in reading Your word, Lord. Whether it's one chapter, one verse, prayer, fasting, or anything for You, Lord, we will surely do it with Your guidance and strength. I LOVE YOU JESUS❤️