JOURNAL OF MY EVERYDAY LIFE MAMF

TRY AND TRY 03162025

March 16, 2025

12:52am

"Try and try."

It's almost time for the morning service, Lord, but I'm still here, still sleepy. How can I be mature in this state if I always let my body control my desires and emotions? Time and time again, I check on her. She even reads my chat, but she doesn't have any reason to reply. I'm overthinking again, but thank You, Lord, for the assurance You gave me this morning. I kept flipping the light switch without knowing the difference. I just kept trying to turn it on, but it wouldn't work because the light wouldn't turn on properly. Even in my job applications, Lord, I keep trying until someone accepts me, no matter where. I will always believe in what You want me to do, Lord. It's hard every day, but I will endure all the things I must experience. Take everything, Lord Jesus, until there's nothing left for me to hold onto, until I'm exhausted from sinning, until You are the only one guiding my mind, body, heart, and soul.

Ecclesiastes 6:7

7 All the labor of man is for his mouth,

and yet the soul is not satisfied.

Why do I keep seeking things to make me happy, to satisfy me, when nothing satisfies me like You do, Lord? Sorry, Lord, for the sins I've committed again. It's as if it's natural for me to do things that shouldn't be done. Sometimes it's hard to surrender, but I submit to You, Lord, once again, which is why I'm writing now. I remember the times when I would write to You extensively. From rants to achievements, every relationship, ups and downs, even when I'm burdened, I write it all for You, Lord, knowing that I have this relationship with You. I'm still figuring out what happens next if I succeed, Lord. If I receive my salary, what's next? If I fulfill my desires like providing for my home, paying debts, achieving my dreams, what's next? Again and again, Lord, I try and try to be better, to be mature, to be someone You want me to be. What is my true calling, Lord? Do I really have enough wisdom to do things every day? Why do I always fail? Why do I lose people along the way? I can't imagine myself, Lord, in a higher calling like being a Pastor because it's far from who I am now. I sin a lot, especially with lustful things. I spend a lot on things that should be spent more on You. I waste resources on mostly fleeting things for temporary happiness. Lord, help me decide to always depend on what You say or do, so I won't sin and won't hold back from serving You. Even if I'm lacking, I will still choose You. Even if people hurt me, I will still choose You. Again and again, I will always try my best knowing that You are always with me, Lord. I can't imagine a day when I won't be able to remember You, Lord. Anytime, it's as if I just want to be close to You always so You won't leave me. You are always with me, Lord; I really know that, and that's where I feel secure. But sometimes, I drift away. Unconsciously, I do things my way. In debts, in remembering other things, even dark thoughts that shouldn't be, but Lord, I lay down all my concerns before You. Let me hear You when I sleep, and let me have dreams, Lord, of what You want to reveal to me. Sometimes, my dreams are troubled now, Lord, because of other things that are true or maybe just my imagination. I pray always, Lord, that You guide me in the right path of surrender. When negative thoughts come into my mind, I pray that You take over, Lord, so I won't remember things that bring me down. Choosing You always is the best, and there are no questions asked. Why do I still long for comfort from another person, Lord? I still seek it from them even though it's not right. I'm in a moment where there's a big gap, and that's where I am. I know it's a temptation, Lord, and I pray that I can overcome it every day in how I feel towards that person. I don't want it to turn into hate, but I just want to be normal, like others who are even more beautiful than them, yet I can't be normal. Is it really her, Lord? It's confusing, but I hope my feelings towards her will soon be clear. Whether it's lust or not, I want to love the person because You, Lord, are the one I love first, more than them. I just want You, Lord, more than her; let her be. I don't want to remember what she does. I don't want to try to chat with her just so she can hurt me. I don't want to keep checking if she's online. There must be a reason why I suddenly blocked her, but it's confusing, and I unblocked her right away. Sorry, Lord, if I lied to her. I made up a story just to divert her to a different answer, which is what I did. I pray for peace for everyone, Lord. I'm bothered, but I can still sleep at the end of the day. I will always find rest in You, no matter what situation I'm in. Many of those close to me, Lord, have already moved on from me in the past. I don't have any friends up to now since elementary school unless it's my family at home. But Lord, I have this attitude of longing for someone. I admit, I'm not ready to get married because it's a practical story, and financial matters are my priority. I don't want to burden someone I can't provide for or even have children with in the future. I also want to continue supporting Mama, Grace, and Marlon in what they want in life. My urge to work, Lord, is strong now, but I want it at the same time to give You the right time without compromising. I will always dedicate myself to writing for You, Lord, no matter what my emotions are now. If I can chat with others even late at night, but with You, Lord, I miss doing that, not anymore. I prefer having less or no chat with others if it means I can give You time, Lord. If there's something I've learned now, it's to continue what I've started in writing to You, Lord. Also, being consistent in Your Word, even just one chapter a day. I will always give You time, Lord, because here, the temptation not to do it is strong, but the satisfaction of writing to You, Lord, is a great joy for me. The thoughts I remembered today are not even enough for one episode in this book. I pray that someday, I will also impart to people who struggle with writing and expressing themselves. I pray, Lord, that the people around me will learn to seek You. I will push myself to write more about what happens to me every day, Lord, and for those who read this, they will be more eager and encouraged to write their own so they can see their daily improvements. Try and try; there's nothing else but to keep trying, as long as it's for the Lord and because of the Lord. It's hard because just thinking about it can be tiring, but once you've done something for the Lord, you'll always be excited about the new things you can do. One of the things we can do for God is to write. Thank You, Lord, always for the encouragement not to give up, especially on the things that are better for me. I'm excited to see what I can write, but it's more exciting to see what will happen after I sleep. I pray, Lord, that You will always use me for Your kingdom and for Your glory. It's always been about You. I LOVE YOU JESUS❤️