JOURNAL OF MY EVERYDAY LIFE MAMF

DO NOT WITHHOLD 04052025

April 5, 2025

12:24am

"Do not withhold..."

Sorry again, Lord, for what I did earlier this afternoon. I couldn't control my lust once more, but to You, Lord, I submit my whole body. I've repeatedly said that it wouldn't happen again, but earlier at Soakers, Lord, I laid down all my concerns to You. I need to constantly renew my mind in all things, Lord, especially when it comes to people. It's okay, Lord, not to be invited, but it feels bad when you're made the reason for something that shouldn't have been the answer. But I know, Lord, that maybe this is just my assumption and that everything is still okay with them.

Another thing is that I don't have money to spend on myself or to eat out. Even here at home, there are already so many needs. I have to delay all my gratification because sometimes, Lord, when I have resources, I spend unnecessarily—especially on food. Lord, I earnestly pray that I'll get a job soon and when that time comes, help me manage my finances better. This has been my weakness until now.

I can't undo what I've done in the past. All I can do now is to improve spiritually for You, Lord, and through Your help as well.

Proverbs 3:27

27 Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,

When it is in the power of your hand to do so.

I can’t stop thanking You, Lord, for today because of what You did during Soakers. What You did during MidWeek was already amazing, but what happened at Soakers was even more unexpected. Life has become so difficult to continue, Lord, and my mind is constantly overwhelmed every day. If not for the games, Lord, I don’t know what else I could be doing right now. Maybe if I had been diligent in writing back then, I wouldn’t have stopped writing until now. If I had a job, I could keep myself more occupied while earning an income. But what I failed to see are the people I help every day—like Mama, whom I assist with little things like organizing, cleaning, washing dishes, preparing meals, carrying things, and more. For Grace, I’m just a supportive listener for her now, and I’m the same for others in the house.

It’s really hard to mingle with the usual people nowadays, Lord. I’ve gone back to feeling out of place again, but it shouldn’t be that way. I don’t want to dwell on this because it might make me bitter toward others. I also don’t want to use chatting with my close friend in Cebu as a defense mechanism. When all my riches are unavailable right now, Lord, I know that my true treasure is in You because You are my treasure. It’s hard to serve You when my mind is preoccupied with other things. I want to focus on You, and I don’t want to fall into the mindset that this is just something passing by. I want to give my full attention to You, Lord, because I admit there have been so many times when I haven’t been attentive to You.

Am I still sensitive to Your presence, Lord? Or am I just going with the flow of what’s happening around me? I cry out to You, Lord, but still feel weak because returning to reality feels even heavier now. More than keeping myself busy for You or with household tasks—whether big or small—I pray that I won’t lose focus on You and will continue doing good for others. I still want to be normal toward them, Lord, but I also don’t want my actions toward others to be determined by what I have or don’t have.

Lord, whether I have money or not, I pray that I’ll still be okay in how I approach everyone—my family, friends, churchmates, and peers. Lord, may my possessions never determine how I treat people. I want to be good like You because during Your time here on Earth, You didn’t have great wealth but humbled Yourself before everyone. You performed miracles yet owned nothing. You lacked nothing because You had followers and disciples who cared for and willingly served You.

I pray that I won’t be overly vocal with people at church anymore. Lord, help me filter what is appropriate for me to share with them. If someone needs to know something about me, let it only be my mentors—not those younger than me. I want to keep things as normal as possible while still maintaining a good perspective toward them.

Your Word hit me hard today, Lord. Help me not to withhold being good toward them. If they need something from me, let me respond accordingly; if not, let me act normally as well. I don’t want to exaggerate my actions toward them. Even though I love them all dearly, what if some of them feel the same way about me as how I feel about them? Whatever the problem may be, Lord, I pray that it will be resolved through You. If we need to talk about it openly, that’s fine—I’m always willing to listen to others’ problems.

I pray that there will also be someone whom I can directly confide in—someone who can correct me and whom I can confidently talk to. Right now, Lord, it’s hard for me to share within the church. I don’t know who to trust anymore—not even some of the leaders. But above all else, Lord, I trust You completely. Whatever decisions I make for myself right now, let them always align with Your will and plan.

It’s exhausting pretending all the time in everything that I do for others and for You. Lord, help me be genuine and true before You because if even while serving You I'm being dishonest with myself or with You—that’s not what I want at all! Lord, please don’t let me serve based purely on emotions or only when it feels convenient for me.

I desire more of You than ever before! My prayer is that my relationship with You will grow deeper and stronger every day. May my life always be prepared for whatever You want me to do. Help me not withhold anything from what You’ve been giving me all along. I LOVE YOU JESUS❤️