JOURNAL OF MY EVERYDAY LIFE MAMF

AVOID IT 05052025

May 5, 2025

1:10am

"Avoid it..."

Lord, it’s been a while since I last wrote to You. After 11 days, here I am again—waiting patiently and seeking You. I'm sorry, Lord, for the things that I still carry in my flesh—whether it’s s****l desires, greed, selfishness, being easily angered, or even laziness.

Hearing part of the backup I sang the other day, I felt like I came up short—but I also felt that I poured everything out to You during that time, during each service I was scheduled for. I know, Lord, there is still so much I need to improve in myself—from my posture, to the way I sing, to the way I live for You. Everything, Lord, is for You, but still, I fall short, and I miss a lot of things every day.

Even in writing to You—it’s not that I forget—but I lack the push to do it consistently. And now, Lord, here I am again. Not because You’ve already answered my request when it comes to work, but because I come to You for who I truly am—a person sincerely seeking You.

Not just during services, not only when there are gatherings or fellowships, not only when there are church activities, but even in my personal life—You should still be lifted up, Lord.

Help me recover daily, and avoid the things I shouldn’t be doing anymore.

Proverbs 4:14-15

14 Do not enter the path of the wicked,

And do not walk in the way of evil.

15 Avoid it, do not travel on it;

Turn away from it and pass on.

Lord, there are so many things running through my mind again. Why am I sharing lies and jokes about myself that aren't even true? It's like I'm destroying myself in front of others, indirectly. I sincerely pray, Lord, that I may become genuine with every person I meet—whether they are close to me or not. Let truth always come out of my mouth.

I was really struck by the prayer Sir Champ prayed over me during the Soakers Service (May 2, 2025), where he spoke about the spirit of python. I may not fully understand it yet, but based on what I’ve searched, it refers to the enemy trying to squeeze out everything that brings life—including the Holy Spirit, You God, and Jesus—from me.

I don't want to be drained anymore by things that aren’t for me, Lord. Lately, playing games has taken up too much of my time. My attention span has become so consumed by them that it almost feels like I’m addicted. It seems so normal now, but since I don’t have work yet, almost all of my time is being wasted there. I even watch K-dramas with violence and romance that sometimes trigger my s****l desires. Even anime shows I watch can provoke my flesh.

It’s really hard, Lord, and like I said during Soakers—I’m already tired of this kind of routine. Because I don't have anything productive to do or I’m avoiding what I should be doing, I end up getting busy with things that don't help me grow. I'm sorry, Lord, for the many times I haven’t listened well to You, and for the times I willingly disobeyed. There are moments when I turn a deaf ear to the truth and avoid facing the reality I need to confront.

Help me overcome, Lord, day by day. Even with the small victories, I always want to acknowledge You. Even in times of struggle, I know my worship and praise are still not enough. What amazes me most, Lord, is that whenever I mess up badly, You’re still there—ready to pick me up and turn things around. You show mercy and grace even when I least expect it. You love me just as I am, even when I try to avoid it, and it hurts me deeply to be this way.

Sometimes, Lord, I can only express the truth through writing like this. But I pray that even when I'm not writing, I’ll still be true to myself, to You, and to others. I can't undo my mistakes, Lord, nor can I outdo what You've done for me. People close to me say I’m talented, but all of that comes from You. How could I boast about something that was never mine in the first place? It has always been You who gives me strength every day, and I could never face life without You.

Thank You for the grace about the rent I haven’t paid yet. It brings me joy—even though I know the owner and caretakers of the apartment may be upset. Only You truly know my deepest struggles, Lord—from liking someone I shouldn’t, to debts I haven’t paid, and even to claiming things that aren’t mine. I’m sorry, Lord, for doing things that displease You.

Still, I humble myself before You, knowing I can't do this alone. I always need You, Lord—always will. Please help me choose the right song to lead in praise for the next Midweek service. I know You’ve prepared something great for me and for Your people. I want to give You the glory and desire You more in my life.

Help me overcome each day, Lord—even when I can’t live the day perfectly—I know You are always there. You are my firm foundation whom I will not avoid. Life is getting so hard, Lord. I can’t do it on my own. More than I need people, I need You most in my life, Jesus. You are the only Way, the only Truth, and the only Life that can lead me to the ends of the earth. Have Your way, Lord, in my life, in my family, in my friends, and even in the lives of people I don’t know whom I just pass by. Draw me closer to You and bring me to the assignment You want to fulfill in my life. I LOVE YOU JESUS❤️