Chapter 3
Have you ever wanted to take the gum out of someone’s mouth and stick it in their eye? Yeah, me either. I totally would never do that. Okay, that’s a lie. I’m considering doing it right now with the bleach-blonde bank teller who is standing on the opposite side of the counter processing my withdrawal. I’ve been using this bank since I was fourteen, and she’s looking at me like I’ve got a third eye in the middle of my head.
“Did you, like, burn your face with battery acid or something?” the woman asked. Her name tag read—I kid you not—Barbie.
“Yep,” I deadpan. “Totally fell asleep in the garage and, wouldn’t you know it, I face-planted in a random pan of battery acid.”
Someone overhearing this conversation might think I was being a bit rude, and I concede I could have simply s
