No deep feelings
938 Words
LANEY
I wake up to the light beaming through my window, it’s a beautiful sight compared to the last few mornings I’ve woken up in dark, went to sleep in dark. In that tiny cell. I suddenly realise that I’m not alone. I turn my side facing a sleeping Becker, I watch as his chest rises and falls. He looks so peaceful. It’s only now that I take my time to take in all his features. His toned, slightly hairy chest, his broad muscular shoulders, my eyes travel down to his defined six pack, the blanket cuts off my view of anything else. I look up towards his face, his mouth is slightly open, lightly breathing. His nose is slightly crooked. I’ve never noticed that before. His eyes gently shut. He turns onto his side, his back now facing me. He stretches his arm up over his head. Burying it under the pillow, possibly to block out the beaming sunlight. The way he’s lying now shows off all of his back muscles, defining them all perfectly. So perfectly I question if he’s done this on purpose to show off his back or if it’s a genuine move in his sleep that he’s blissfully unaware he’s showing me just how gorgeous his body is. I suddenly feel a warm tingly feeling straight to my centre. I get up from the bed, deciding I need to get myself sorted. I can’t stay in bed eyeing this man, getting myself deeper and deeper into this head f**k. I stand and decide a shower will help, I walk away from the bed tempted to throw him one last glance but I fight the urge. I start the shower, no need to undress as I’m already naked from our night together. Smiling at the memories from the night, I step into the shower. Trying to think of anything other then what happened. Remember Laney. He’s a murderer. A monster. He locked you in a cell for a week! But yet, he manages to pull these feelings out of me that I thought I buried deep down inside me and locked them away. Slowly thoughts of my ex husband, my failed marriage flood to my mind. I stand in the shower, under the running water. I’ve not given him much thought or the marriage since signing them papers. I try not too think about it. The heartache, the feelings I try to keep away. I never want a relationship again. I’ve always stood by that. Feelings, the awful feelings. Jealousy, anxiety, loneliness, the feeling of your heart actually sinking, the rise in your throat. My eyes water at the memories, the late nights he would come home smelling of someone else, the ping of his phone indicating a new text every few minutes, the smirks on his face as he’d read them texts, then tell me it’s only his friends. The arguments, the lies. One memory comes to the surface. When I looked on his phone one night at a message from a girl who is dating his friend. It was just a simple message, but if broke my heart the moment I read it ‘hope you got home okay? Didn’t keep you too long did I??’ I threw the phone at him, waking him from his sleep. We argued. I was called insecure, jealous, pathetic, paranoid. I ran to our bedroom sinking to the floor crying. He walked in our room about 2 minutes later he stepped over my sobbing body on the floor. Not even offering me a second look. He grabbed a new shirt and walked out. Slamming the bedroom door as he left. That’s when I knew. I knew it was over. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. The gut wrenching feelings, the constant worry and running around in circles. The pain that I felt in that moment when he stepped over me, while I was breaking my heart on the floor. He didn’t care. I wanted him to console me, hug me, comfort me. Show some indication that he cared for me. But in that moment I knew he didn’t. I wish I left then. But I didn’t. Instead I clung on to 2 more years with him. Until finally we spilt up, when I signed the divorce papers I swore then that I would never let myself be in that vulnerable position again. I didn’t want to ever feel them feelings again. I never want to be that broken. The only way to stay that way is to stay away from men. But the s*x with Becker. It’s the best s*x I’ve ever had. I don’t know if that’s because It’s been a while since I’ve had s*x, or if he’s just that good. But the thought of anything more than just the s*x scares me. Especially with a man like Becker. The mafia boss. I don’t think I could have a love for him, not with everything I’ve read, and witnessed from him. He’s a murderer. Maybe that’s a good thing? That I know he’s so dangerous, I know he’s a murderer, a sadistic monster. I know I don’t want anything more than s*x. I can’t deny his room excites me, intrigues me. His ways stir something up in me. His skilled techniques make my body react to him in a way I’ve never known. I can separate that though from my feelings, my heart. I can keep my heart and my body separate from each other. Maybe I can experience that with him without having anything else? Purely s*x. Nothing else? That’s possible
- Writer
