Hat of thorns

The first bud

    The wind whistled through the woods, the leaves turned into bright shades of red and orange. In Helena, Montana a rich forest sprawled north of the town. The old stone face traveled up five stories; evenly spaced high arch windows marked each room. Split into a pleasant symmetry the thick wooden doors hung below a large arch, adorned with thick black iron handles and matching trim. In the fall of 1985 Robin Hall had a successful and highly respected mental health facility nestled up to the forest. The property spanned twenty-five acres. The construction of the mansion took place in the fall of 1885. Robert and Patricia Hall had the mansion crafted after migrating over to the United States from Germany. Mr. Hall as a young lad got into the oil business at the turn of the century and became a cold-hearted business typhoon. Patricia came from old money; her father had met Robert at a business deal early in Mr. Halls career and saw the budding potential. Mr. and Mrs. Hall moved into the estate upon its completion the following fall of 1886. Five workers had died on the job in the one-year construction. Each worker was replaced within the hour and construction continued. The estate passed down three generations before it was converted into a psychiatric ward. Robin came back to the family homestead, with the death of her mother Bonnie Hall, in 1955. In her Will she instructed that her daughter keep the property and all land it had been built on. Her mother had married into the Hall line but kept with tradition and Robert Hall’s wishes that the estate would never leave the Hall family. Patricia had started a rose garden behind the estate. The garden had been taken care of meticulously by each woman of the house. Falling now to Robin the garden covered three acres behind the house with dark grey stones placed in between each row of bright red budding flowers. Robin used the massive garden as the corner stone of her therapy program. Housed inside its walls where thirty patients four psychiatrist and a small janitorial staff.

Alexander Harper grew up in the small town of Helena with her mother Sarah Boulder. Her mother was a nurse and worked all hours of the day leaving Alex to her own devises much of the time. They had ended up in a small two-bedroom duplex in the north end of town after moving from a large farmhouse in the center of town. Alex was fifteen when they had moved in, she couldn’t contain her excitement on moving day. It had been a perfect summer day, not a single cloud in the sky. Her and her mother worked endlessly that day and she could feel the sweat drip down her back as they lugged each box up the stairs. Her room had piles of boxes surrounding her bed when they had finally finished.  That night after the sun had set, she sat in her new room and the excitement had worn off and it felt like a fifty-ton brick had fallen on her. She stared up at the ceiling as her chest tightened. She couldn’t understand why the excitement had faded; nothing was different than it had been this morning. She tried to think of all the things that had excited her about moving but the feelings had left. She felt like she has two different people living in her body, one eccentrically happy, almost buzzing with energy. Her other self was heavy, tired and slow. She never knew which person she would be, and they changed so fast it felt like emotional whiplash. That had been five years ago, and the memory came back to her as if it had happened yesterday. Now in her room at Red Gardens she felt the bricks heavier than they have ever been. She tried again to remember the days before she came to this place. It was blank. She thought back to her last memory before she came here. She could see her mother. Her long brown hair reflecting the sunlight. She could smell the fresh spring air. The flowers had just started blooming and she and her mother had gone out to lunch. She could feel the pavement as she and her mother walked up and down the boardwalk. She could feel the air in her hair as they drove home. The memory cut off at her front door. Her eyes opened and she gritted her teeth. Sudden anger flared through her. She hit the bed and grunted in frustration. That had been her last memory before she found herself sitting across from Robin in her office at Red Gardens. A female social worker had been sitting next to her. She couldn’t remember the start of the conversation. She could hear Robin speaking to the social worker then speaking to her, but the words had been lost. Six months had passed since she arrived. Alex heard the door open and saw Elaine one of the nurses standing in the doorway. “time for dinner dear” she said her voice energetic and high pitched. Like a kid in a candy store her eyes always shined brighter than the sun and energy seemed to bounce off her in waves. She sighed and headed for the door noticing that Elaine was bouncing on the balls of her feet. The way she moved reminded Alex of a rabbit. She could almost see Elaine’s nose twitch as they walked down the hall. Alex giggled and shook her head when Elaine glanced quizzically at her. She was the last one into the dining hall. The smell of temped food wafting from the kitchen. She grabbed a tray and stood at the back of the line. The dining hall held five long wooden tables with benches. It looked like it had once been a ball room. Elegant sculpting decorated the ceiling. It was light blue with an inset in the middle with one big and old chandelier hung in the center. Big windows let in ample sunlight on the far wall, but with all the dark wood the light was lost half-way into the large room. Making the place feel darker and cut off from the outdoors. Alex got through the line grimacing at the halved turkey sandwich and lukewarm macaroni and cheese on her plate. She picked up a juice box and an apple sauce at the end of the line, ‘at least there was something to look forward to’ she thought, half smiling. She sat at the far end of a table watching the other girls pick at their food and chatting among themselves. Sarah Wilder sat closest to Alex. She pushed her food slowly from one side of her plate to another. As if the mere act of pushing the food around would make it disappear from her plate. Sarah was about five foot two with blond hair that had once fell in ringlets around her round face, now limp and lifeless clung to her cheeks in thin clumps. She held her arms close to her thin chest moving the plastic fork in small circles in her macaroni. She nodded along to the conversation but stared at the table. Alex watched her with fascination. Her own food forgotten.

Alex felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up. It was Elaine “are you ready dear” she asked beaming her usual energetic smile. Alex looked around and notice that she was one of the last people left. She looked back at Sarah just in time to see her pick up the still full plate of food and walk slowly to the trash can. Alex followed Elaine out of the cafeteria, stopping to dump her tray in the same trash can. They continued into the recreation room where Elaine turned and said “alrighty dear, two hours as usual. Let Dale over there know if you need anything” she gestured to the half-asleep nurse at the duty desk in the corner of the room. “I’ll come to get you after meds are passed.” Elaine spun and bounced out of the room. Little skips permeating her walk. Alex looked around the room.  Noticed a few girls circled up on the couch flipping through the same few channels. Another couple where hunched over in the corner on a few chairs talking and giggling to each other. She sat on a chair near a window and looked out at the garden that spread out over the back lawn. She searched the patch of earth near the closest set of rose bushes. Their flowers starting to fall with the cold weather. Then she spotted them. Two small white mice scampered into few. They looked up and seemed to sense her looking at them. She held up a finger next to her face and gave a small wave. Trying not to bring attention to herself. She gave the room a scan to see if anyone had been looking at her. The two girls hunched over were still talking their focus firmly on their conversation. Little giggles escaping every few sentences. The girls on the couch continued to flip and fuss over the T.V. getting more frustrated with every flip. Dale’s mouth seemed to have fallen to the side as he started snoring in his chair behind the desk. A little drop of drool forming at the corner of his mouth. She turned back to the window looking for the mice again. They had crept closer to the window where she was sitting. They paused every few feet looked both ways and bounded up another few feet. She noticed that their tales twitched back and forth almost gleamed in the sun as if they had been made of metal instead of skin. They reached the edge of the building and climbed up the brick to the window ledge. She smiled as they put their noses to the glass. They had shown up her second week at the facility. Bright ink dot eyes watching her through the window. It was her favorite part of the day. She had named them Tim and Tom. They looked identical except for a small black dot under their eye. Tim had the dot under his left eye, Tom the right. They were a perfect mirror image of each other. They constantly climbed over each other. Their little extended mouse bellies getting stuck on top of another as the wriggled to the other side.          

Alex jumped as she heard a sharp bang. She looked behind her seeing Dale smile sheepishly at Elaine who glared at him from across the counter that separated the duty desk. A clipboard was in her hand. Alex assumed she had hit the desk with the bulky metal clipboard. He jumped to his feet and started grabbing the medications dispensing them into the little paper cups. Elaine took a sheet off the desk and started calling off names as he filled cups. One by one the girls came up to the counter and poured the pills into their mouths chasing it with another small cup of water. When Alex heard her name, she walked over and reluctantly took the pills. Elaine gave her a look and Alex opened her mouth and stuck out her tongue. Alex had tried to pocket her meds when she first got here. Thinking it was as easy as they made it seem on the movies. Now she was the only girl who had to open wide after every pill hand out. The girls still giggled from time to time. Alex no longer acknowledged them after the first few altercations ended up with her spending the night in the isolation room with the straight jacket. She didn’t believe it was fair that she should be the one in trouble when they started it, but Robin hadn’t agreed with her.

On the walk back to her room they passed by the receptionist desk. The woman behind the counter was a meek mannered, mousy, brown-haired woman named Elizabeth. Alex thought she looked perpetually scared with her hands always ringing in her lap. Her eyes where huge behind the thick frames of her round glasses. Always looking on the verge of tears. She glanced up as they walked past. Following them with her eyes. Then she folded her head back down to the book she had been reading. Alex peaked over the side of the desk and noticed the title ‘Alice’s adventures in wonderland’. Alex had loved that book as a child. Her mother staying up late to finish a chapter with her before bedtime. She had even received a statue of the caterpillar for her eleventh birthday. She briefly wondered if it was still at home tucked away in her room. Perhaps in the closet under some old blankets. They reached the door to her room as she mused over the statue and the other things in her bedroom at home that she missed. She looked at her bare room. The cream-colored sheets, bare walls, and bedside table. Bare but for a small bible placed in the corner. She frowned and walked in. Elaine gave a cheery “have a good evening dear” and left the room shutting the door quietly as she left. Alex walked to the bed and sat down on the edge looking down into the garden. Her room was on the second floor of the mansion style building. The window curved at the top and steel bars at regular intervals. She had to strain on her toes to see the closest rose bush where the mice had come out. They were gone of course, not that she could see them from this height even if they weren’t.

She stayed staring out the window for a long time searching the rows of rose bushed. She leaned her cheek against the frame of the window her nose touching the glass. Her breath puffed on the window just cool enough for a small fog that disappeared within seconds after every breath. She stayed like this until the sun started dropping below the skyline. Her thoughts penetrating the past. She thought about her mother. The golden-brown hair they shared. The smile she wore when she was little the glee in her eyes when they put Christmas cookies in the oven. Often forgetting they were in there until the smoke set the fire alarm off. To Alex her mother was everything, her whole world. Her father left before her fifth birthday and any memories she might have had of him before had faded over time. On her Eighteenth birthday, she had gotten a letter from him. She never opened it. Her mother watched her curiously when she dropped it into the fireplace in there small living room.

Just as the sun was almost out of sight, she heard a knock on her door. One of the newer night nurses walked in. Alex hadn’t seen her more than two or three times and couldn’t recall her name. She motioned Alex up and said, “bath time dear, are you wanting to shave this evening?” Any use of razors where strictly monitored, being kept in a locked case in the front office. Alex shook her head. She didn’t mind having hairy legs. Her hair never grew long or thick on her legs, and who would really see them anyway. She went to the small closet on the far side of the room and grabbed out her small bath bag. Filled with honey suckle scented shampoo conditioner and body wash. Alex chose the same ones her mother always used. The smell reminded her of bath time when she was little. The warm bathwater and the bubble bath so opaque that she couldn’t see her legs through the bathwater. Her mother picking up the small, plastic purple, cup and pouring water over her hair. It trickled down her cheeks as she squinted her eyes closed. Her mothers’ hand where soft and gentle when she worked the sweet-smelling soap into her hair. 

She picked up her bag and headed for the door. They walked out into the tall hallway. The cafeteria was to the right down a set of dark mahogany stairs. They turned left and walked past the doors. They were consecutively numbered with odd numbers on the left and even numbers to her right. She passed by noticing 215, five rooms away from hers, was cracked slightly. As she looked at the door, she saw Sarah staring back at her, peaking through a crack. As their eyes met the door jerked closed with a faint thud. Alex looked back at the nurse she was following. She seemed to not hear the door or notice Sarah. Alex thought about Sarah, the look on her face was blank. Completely lacking the usual thoughtful and soft expression she usually wore. The expression made her look naked. Alex then remembered something that perplexed her. As Sarah was closing the door, she swore she saw a small white mouse behind the crack in the door, a black spot under its right eye. She thought just for a second that it had winked at her. She shook her head dismissing the thought.

She forgot about the mouse as they reached the washrooms. There were five rooms numbered from left to right in sequential order. The nurse pointed to room three and grabbed her a towel from the supply closet, locking it back with a key. All the nurses wore a key on a string around their necks that unlocked all the doors in the asylum. All the doors but Robins office. Robin had a separate key she kept in her front right pocket. Alex had seen it a hand full of times. Nothing remarkable about it, standard silver key on a loop. The key chain was a plastic rose, the size of a quarter, in full bloom. Alex fixed on the key each time she saw Robin bring it out and stuffed it back into her pocket. She was brought back to reality as the nurse cleared her throat suggestively holding the towel out towards Alex. She grabbed it and walked into the bathing area. It was a small room, no windows or glass. With a small pedestal sink and a claw foot tub, to the left, on the back wall. Paint peeled off the tub in patches and rust spotted the side. They had one small wood table across from the tub stuffed in the corner. She sat her bag and towel down. She started the water cranking the hot water as far as it would go. It never goes as hot as she would like, but it’s enough to calm her muscles as she relaxes in the tub. She grabs the bottle of shampoo, her mind wanders to her mother the scent enveloping her like perfume. She thinks about the feel of her soft thick hair. Her creamy skin. The soft feel of it when they cuddled on the couch. Her mother always let her pick the movie on those nights. She smiled remembering how many times she held up Bambi. How her mother must have grown to hate that movie, but she never showed it. Her mother would smile her patient loving smile and put it in the VCR.

Her eyes popped open. She smelled popcorn. Pungent and clear. It smelled sweet in the back of her throat. It smelled just like those nights. Her mouth watered. She looked around confused about her surroundings. She looked for the couch, the soft brown one they had gotten last summer. Her mother was missing. She blinked, and reality came back to her. She heard a soft knocking on the door and realized she had fallen asleep. A soft voice came through the door “are you alright dear?” She opened her mouth to respond and had to clear her throat. “yes, I’ll be out in a minute.” She squeaked out. She rinsed her hair and finished bathing. She walked out and handed the towel to the nurse. They walked back to her room. Passing other girls that were heading to the bathing rooms. As they walked back to her room, she noticed people gathered around Sarah’s room. She glanced through the door as they passed and saw paramedics with a stretcher. She noticed Robin standing with them. Robin looked up and saw her staring. She quickly walked over the door and motioned for them to move along before shutting it. Alex saw, as she was closing the door, the same white mouse run out of the room. She glanced around, no one else seemed to notice the mouse.

 That night Alex dreamed of the mouse. His beady eyes locked on hers. She heard a scream in the background, long and full of pain and despair. Her eyes could not look away to find the source of the scream. She was enchanted by the oil drop eyes of the mouse with the single black spot under his right eye. She woke up to knocking on her door. It was Elaine this time poking her head through the door. She smiled warmly “good morning sunshine, get dressed so we can head down to breakfast.” She closed the door and stood outside to wait. Alex got up and got out her clothes. She didn’t have much variety mainly sweats and plain t-shirts. She picked out a gray pair of sweats and the one light blue sweater.