HEL

Hel

A stone rests in my throat as the weight of the situation sets in. There are no tears yet, but a cold blanket that chokes the warmth from me. We are in the hospital, my wife is sitting beside me still and quiet. The doctor is watching her, I am unsure of what to say next in an attempt to give her small words of encouragement and comfort. 

It was our last time, a failed attempt and the effects were destroying us both. We couldn't take it any longer and I could feel that our doctor knew that as well. 

We could not bear a child, my wife's body wouldn't be able to handle it. Even after working so hard in trying to get ready for this challenge, she was not meant for it. 

The doctor took her time trying to explain to us what our next steps should be. I couldn’t seem to focus and my attention slowly drifted off and away from my current reality. 

I look out the window, reliving the excitement we had when we had first started trying to expand our family. But with each try our hope slowly faded. Even after going to see several specialists there was no success. We had been patient, listened to family and friends, taken advice from anyone who could help us and here we sat at the end of the road. 

Being lost in my own thoughts I hadn’t yet noticed that there were three crows staring at me through the closed window. I feel a small tingle down my spine and turn my attention back to the doctor. My wife is now leaning into me looking for the strength that she needed, the strength that I didn't have to give her. The doctor finally stood up, placing a hand on my wifes shoulder.

 “We have support groups that I highly suggest that you both attend. Please do not hesitate to ask us and we will be able to help you attend their meetings. Until then, please take it easy on yourselves. This is one of those times when you will need each other.”

I looked up at her and thanked her. My wife nodded her head and fell onto my shoulder, her tears beginning to soak my shirt. 

“I will let the nurse know that this room will be occupied. Please take your time. I understand that this is hard for you both.” 

She left the room and we are alone. Everything now seems dark and gloomy around us. The colors have faded, the hope we once had at becoming a family are now gone. 

We sit in silence, neither having the energy or even the thought of what to say. My wife was the first to stand up. Without saying a word, she turned and opened the door. I got up and followed her out. Everyone around us seemed to fade into the walls. We made our way through the building and out onto the busy streets. My wife walked past our car, and kept walking. I didn't stop her. I couldn't even stop myself if I wanted to. I walked up beside her, both of us side by side, on a slow blind death march through the city. 

 As we let ourselves wander, we make our way into one of the city’s parks. We had taken this walk many times before, discussing life and what our future would hold. We would sit by the waters edge and let the sounds take us away to happy places of what could be. The walk would have been beautiful, if it wasn't for the weight we now carried on our shoulders. My wife made her way to the very spot where we would sit and have these talks. Now there was nothing left to talk about when it came to our future family. Now she is staring into the water, her face is drained of all energy and hope. I reach out to remove the hair from her face and turn her to me. Her eyes are glossed over when I  look into them, I can see nothing. I know she is defeated, something i thought i would never see in her eyes. Pulling her into me, I hug tightly and try to give her that strength we both needed. 

“Well isn't this a surprise to my eyes.” 

The voice was the sound you would hear from a raspy old bell ringing through the still night of a graveyard. 

I look up to see who the voice belonged to. Not far from where we stood was a man, old and ragged, staring sadly at us both. His thick matted hair partly covered his face, his hands were wrinkled and bunched up into his scarf, and what was strange was the three crows that I had briefly noticed at the hospital were at his feet.

Looking  into the man’s deep green eyes, they seemed to capture my attention, making my body relax. My wife, pulling away from me turned to look at him   

“What do you want?” ,my wife asked.

 She sounded cold and slightly annoyed that someone was watching us both. But the old man just smiled and turned to look into the water.

 “I have seen your pain before. The loss of someone that was never there.” the old man muttered.

He stared into the dark water, reliving a memory in his own thoughts. The crows impatiently fluttered beneath his feet as he moved closer to the water.

I c**k my head to the side, taking in the man's words and trying to see what he was looking at. 

“How would you know!?” 

my wife snaps at him, pulling me back to attention. Grabbing onto her stomach, she squares up her shoulders and confronts the man.

 “This empty feeling, this wall that never ends, that I can't seem to get past. This burden of knowing that I can't have what I truly want, what me as a woman should be able to do!” 

She takes a step towards the old man, and I know she is about to let out what frustration she has left onto him. 

Not wanting to make a scene or hurt this stranger, I reach for my wife to pull her back to me,  but my body stops itself. I watch my wife as she stops and looks confused at the old man. Turning back my attention to the old man, his face is calm and welcoming. An unusual thought crosses my mind that I need to trust him, that I need him.  

I watch as my wife continues to make her way towards him, her steps growing slower, and seeming heavy. Her body dragging in a sleep walking manner.

“How could you possibly know how I feel?” She slurs softly between her shaking lips before she falls to her knees at his feet.

 The crows hop excitedly around her as the tears again fall freely down her face.

The man turns looking back into the dark waters. I can feel the air growing cold and still. My heart beat begins to slow down. I reach for my chest just as my wife did, and feel something hit my hand. Touching my face, I can feel the tears. I didn't realize that I was crying. 

The man turns back to us, looking right at me. I can feel it. His own emotions, the sadness, the pain, the loss. I can read it on his own face and then, hope. I feel a spark of hope and his eyes flicker with a playful light. 

The crows turn and fly off as he leans down to my wife and places his hands on her shoulders. She looks up and into his face, her breathing calming down. 

“Come,” he says slowly, “I do know, and I will help.”

 He reaches out his hand, my wife taking it as he helps her to her feet. 

Any normal person would have stopped this. Any person in their right mind would have thought crazy to let a ragged old man guide his wife away from him. But my feet moved on their own command and followed them both. The air was now calm, and I knew my wife knew we were feeling the same thing. That pull, that tug, and that small spark of hope that wasn't there before but now was. 

As we walked along the water’s merky shore, we came to a tunnel under the long bridge that led to the other end of the park. The three crows were waiting for us at the mouth of the tunnel, and cried happily as if welcoming someone home. My wife and I ducked in behind the old man. My eyes adjust to the darkness.  

I could make out a makeshift bed, a wooden box to the left, and many glass bottles scattered to the side. The man beckoned my wife to sit on the bed, she followed his gesture and sat on the mass of blankets and coats that made up his bed. I sat on the wooden box to her left. 

I watched as the old man began to make his way around the dark tunnel. He grabbed a bowl and began filling it with dirt and leaves scattered around the tunnels floor. Once done, he walked back out to the river.  He scooped the bowl into the water, and swiftly hurried back inside, the crows following him in.

 That same chill I had at the hospital ran down my spine, but my mind was so calm, so very calm, but why? 

The old man hobbled over to the bottles, his fingers danced across them, grabbing at a few here and there, pouring them into the bowl. He made his way over to me and my wife. His eyes were now clouded, as he began mumbling under his breath. I looked at my wife, and she seemed to have slipped somewhere else in her mind. Her eyes were clouded over as she stared blankly off into the darkness of the tunnel.  

I look back to the old man, a pressure now building up around us. Setting the bowl at his side, he dipped his hand into the bowl and with his other hand he began lifting my wifes shirt. 

My mind for a split second snaps into reality and I react. I move to stop him, not wanting this ragged stranger putting his filthy hands on my wife. Who gave him the right? How could I have let my guard down so quickly? Why wasn't I saying anything?! 

 In the same motion of my body, the crows fly up to my face and block me from my attempt to stop him. I swat at them trying to make my way through, and with a hiss they are gone. The old man is glaring at them as they fly back to my wife. I see that now the old man has the makeshift paste plastered across my wifes now bare belly. 

That small fire of fighting I had is now gone, I cannot move. My mind, I can't understand it, is calm again. 

Watching as the old man places both of his hands on my wifes belly, a soft glow appears beneath his touch. She lays down on her back and closes her eyes. Not fighting this, not even reacting to what was happening to her. The man begins to chant. Everything around me goes blank. A fog begins to roll into the tunnel, my eyes grow heavy and I have to fight to keep them open. I hear the strange chanting. My wife, I can hear her, she is whimpering. I try to focus on what is happening, and when I do, my heart is racing.

 On one side of my wife, is a horse, with three legs, its body, decaying away. On the other is a man. A tall strange man, his hair blacker than night, his skin pale as snow and his eyes as green as the brightest emerald. My wife began to scream below them the man's hands never leaving her belly. I watched as she threw her head back and let out a piercing scream.

The horse leaned down to her belly nuzzling it gently, her breathing becoming very heavy and her stomach expanding. 

I stare in amazement as her belly grows before my very eyes. When it seemed her belly was going to pop, the air tightened, I feel my lungs  begin fighting for air. In a blink, the man was gone, the horse was gone, and my wife lay with an enlarged belly, slowly rubbing and smiling as she did so. 

My mind rushes back into focus. The sadness and rage had now become confusion. I leap for my wife, grabbing her and pulling her into my arms. I cradle her head and look into her face, my body shaking as I try to gather what I have seen. 

My wife is humming a tune I do not recognize, she opens her eyes and looks up at me, a soft smile dances across her lips. 

I don't have any words. My mind is now racing and I am alert. I'm feeling myself come back to reality. The colors and sounds and smells are now stronger than before. I look down at my wife and her now swollen belly. She pats at it and winces. I hear her voice pulling me back to her attention. 

“The baby is coming.”