The Demon I Run From

TEARS AND TRUTHS

"Hey lady, watch it!!!!!!!." A mail man yelled, jerking me back to reality. " better set your head straight and watch where you're going!!." He added.

" am sorry" I said gently, apologizing for not getting hit by a mail vehicle. "Yeah you should be" he replied and zoomed off, leaving behind toxic smoke from his exhaust.

I looked back, " oh s**t!!" I exclaimed irritably, realizing I walked past the bus stop minutes ago. "Yikes!! Does my life need to have a bad start? Lena you really need to get your acts together " I whispered to myself heading back to the bus stop.

As I trudged back to the bus stop, I couldn't help but think about how this morning was a reflection of my life - chaotic, disorganized, and a little bit toxic. I had been so lost in thought, replaying the events of my failed marriage and my struggles with anxiety, that I hadn't even noticed the bus stop was behind me.

"Get your acts together, Lena," I muttered to myself, shaking my head. I needed to focus on the present and stop dwelling on the past. Easier said than done, I thought, as I spotted the bus approaching.

I took a deep breath and boarded the bus, finding a seat near the back. As we lurched forward, I gazed out the window, watching the city wake up. "The bustling in every corner of the street must give New York hope" I thought, trying to revive what had died long ago or rather, something I never had to begin with.

But as the bus hit a pothole, jolting me out of my reverie, I couldn't shake off the feeling that I was just going through the motions, stuck in a rut, and unsure how to climb out.

The bus pulled up to my stop, and I disembarked, joining the throngs of people rushing to and fro. I weaved through the crowds, my eyes fixed on the building ahead where I would pretend to live a fulfilled life even for just a day.

I stepped into the elevator, pressing the button for the 23rd floor. The doors closed, and I felt a sense of claustrophobia wash over me. I took a deep breath, reminding myself that I was in control.

The doors opened, and I stepped out into the bustling office. My coworkers greeted me with smiles and nods, oblivious to the emotional storm brewing inside me. I made my way to my desk, trying to shake off the lingering feelings of vulnerability.

As I settled into my chair, my computer screen flickered to life, displaying the design project I had been working on. I stared blankly at the screen, my mind still reeling from the therapy session.

Suddenly, my phone buzzed, snapping me back to reality. It was Devin, my ex-husband. My heart skipped a beat as I hesitated, wondering whether to answer.

I hesitated for a moment, my finger hovering over the answer button. Devin and I had been divorced for months now, and I was still trying to process my emotions. But something about his call felt different. Maybe it was the timing, or maybe it was the nagging feeling that I still had unfinished business with him.

I took a deep breath and answered, trying to sound calmer than I felt. "Hey, Devin. What's up?"

"Hey, Lena. I know we haven't talked in a while, but I needed to reach out. I've been thinking a lot about us, and I was wondering if we could grab coffee sometime."

My mind raced as I tried to process his request. Coffee? Was he kidding me? We'd been through a messy divorce, and now he wanted to grab coffee like we were old friends?

But a part of me was curious. What did he want to talk about? Had he finally realized his mistakes and wanted to make amends?

"Okay, fine," I said finally, trying to sound nonchalant. "But just coffee."

I hung up the phone, feeling a mix of emotions. Why had I agreed to meet Devin? Was I hoping for closure or just plain curious?

I tried to shake off the thoughts and focus on my work, but my mind kept wandering. Memories of our time together flooded my brain – the laughter, the adventures, the fights...

My coworker, Rachel, snapped me back to reality. "Hey, Lena, need help with that design?"

I hesitated, unsure if I was ready to dive back into work. But Rachel's friendly smile encouraged me to open up.

"Actually, yeah. I'm struggling to find inspiration."

Rachel nodded knowingly. "Let's brainstorm together. Sometimes a fresh perspective helps."

As we worked, Rachel asked about my day. I hesitated, unsure how much to share.

"Just a long morning," I said vaguely.

Rachel raised an eyebrow. "Everything okay?"

I sighed, deciding to confide in her. "I just got a call from my ex. We're meeting for coffee."

Rachel's expression turned sympathetic. "That can't be easy. Are you sure you're ready?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe I just need closure."

Rachel nodded thoughtfully. "Whatever you need, Lena. We're here for you."

Her words of encouragement meant more than she knew.

The rest of the day passed in a blur of design discussions and coffee breaks. I couldn't shake off the feeling that my meeting with Devin was looming over me, casting a shadow on my day.

As the clock struck 5 PM, I packed up my things and said goodbye to Rachel. "Thanks for listening today," I said, smiling gratefully.

Rachel smiled back. "Anytime, Lena. Remember, you're strong and capable. Whatever happens with Devin, you'll handle it."

I nodded, feeling a surge of determination. She was right. I was strong and capable. I had survived our messy divorce and come out the other side.

As I walked out of the office building, I took a deep breath of the crisp Manhattan air. The city was alive and pulsing around me, a reminder that life went on, no matter what.

I hailed a taxi and headed to the coffee shop where Devin and I were meeting. My heart was racing, but I felt a sense of resolve. I was ready to face him, to confront the past and move forward.

The taxi pulled up to the coffee shop, and I stepped out onto the sidewalk. Devin was already there, sitting at a small table outside. He looked up and caught my eye, his expression unreadable.

I sat across from Devin, his expression serious. "So, what's this about?" I asked, my mind racing with possibilities.

Devin took a deep breath. "I wanted to talk to you about us, about our divorce."

My heart sank, sensing where this was going.

"I've met someone else," he said, his words like a punch to the gut. "We're getting married."

I felt a wave of emotions: shock, anger, sadness. "Congratulations," I managed to say, my voice tight.

Devin nodded, his eyes avoiding mine. "I know this isn't easy, but I wanted to be upfront with you. We need to finalize the divorce papers."

I nodded, trying to process this new reality. Devin was moving on, starting a new life with someone else. I felt a pang of jealousy, which I quickly pushed aside. I didn't want to be bitter or resentful. I wanted to be free.

"Okay," I said, my voice firmer now. "Let's get the papers signed. I'm ready to move on."

Devin looked relieved, like he'd been expecting a fight. "Thanks, Lena. I appreciate it."

We sat in silence for a moment, the only sound the hum of the coffee shop. Then Devin spoke up again.

"I hope you find happiness too, Lena. You deserve it."

I smiled wryly, unsure if i believe his words. Heck I didn't believe even my therapist, I felt tears welling up in my eyes and I desperately tried to hold it. "Just a little more time, do not cry in front of Devin" I thought. However the tears broke free, streaming down my cheeks. I hurriedly grabbed my bag and dashed out the entrance, out of the corner of my eyes I saw Devin running after me. " Lena!! Are you okay???!!!" He called to me. I stopped just behind the cafe building, not able to control myself.

I spun around, tears streaming down my face, and lashed out at Devin. "Am not okay Devin. How do you expect me to be happy for you when I don't even know what happiness looks like, s**t I don't know what it feels like?" I cried, my voice shaking with emotion.

Devin took a step back, looking taken aback by my outburst. "Lena, I just wanted to...."

But I cut him off, my words tumbling out in a torrent. "You've always had everything so easy, Devin! You have a nice rich parents that were there for you and gave you everything you ever needed. You've always gotten what you wanted, when you wanted it. But me? I've begged for happiness my whole life. I've begged for love, for acceptance, for someone to just see me. And you know what? It's never been enough. I've never been enough."

I was yelling now, my voice hoarse from crying. Devin looked like he wanted to reach out to me, but I pushed him away. "Don't touch me! You don't get to comfort me, at least you once did but you lost that chance.You don't get to pretend like you care."

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down, but the words kept coming. "You're getting married, Devin. You're moving on with your life. But I'm still here, stuck in the same place I've always been like a lost baggage at the airport, still and even more lost at the lost and found area. Trying to find happiness, trying to find love. And it's just not fair."

Devin looked at me, his eyes filled with a mixture of guilt and helplessness. "Lena, I...."

But I just shook my head and turned away, not wanting to hear it. I didn't want his apologies or his excuses. I just wanted to be left alone to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart.