His to Consume

Insecurities

Lena's POV

I shook my head in an attempt to erase those thoughts. I wouldn't let myself accept the fact that Grant affected me in any way, even now. I didn't want to accept the fact that, after everything, he could still rattle my life this much. But it had been Damien who felt it, who watched it play out in me and that was what hurt the most. I never wanted to make him feel jealous or insecure about our bond. Yet somehow, everything went out of hand.

I exhaled painfully and stretched my hand for my phone, my fingers just above Damien's contact information. I missed him. I wanted to talk to him, reason with him, and most importantly, say I am sorry. But with every attempt I made to press the button, the image of how he looked, broken and angry with my actions, prevented me from moving forward. He had stared at me, as if I was a complete stranger standing before him. I never wanted to do any harm to him, but tonight, it was as if I had reopened every sore that we had worked so hard to close.

I placed the phone down, feeling like a defeated soldier. What good would it do me to speak with him? Were words sufficient to reverse and repair what I had caused? I reached back, remembering how I had struck him, the way his gaze changed to one of darkness, as he turned, and walked out without saying a word. Not even raising his hands, not even arguing. Just a single, barely audible word: "Great." That tone of his, that contained so much disappointment, still made my heart cringe.

The more time progressed, the more I found myself walking back and forth in circles. I ached to be near him, to face him and plead with him to reason it out and see that this was only one night, one mistake. But deep down, I was aware bursting in would only worsen the situation. There was an issue and I knew that it was not Charles but rather himself that needed to be dealt with. I sank back onto the couch, my mind spiraling with plans, apologies, assurances I would give him. But I knew, as much as I did not want to, that it would not be as easy as getting back towards his warm embrace again.

I fought it for as long as I could but at some point, fatigue won, and I found myself asleep, much disturbed by visions of Grant and Damien in a heartbeat tangled in a surrealistic drama that garnered more puzzles instead of clearing them. I opened my eyes the moment dawn broke; the events that transpired the previous night were still fresh in my mind.

Resolute in her fight to restore normalcy, she felt this should not be allowed to drag on any longer. She will go to Damien's office herself and request to be heard. She should make him realize that she has no feelings whatsoever for Grant anymore. Disastrous for me because I do not want or expect him to feel that he is the one who comes second in my life, and the only way for me to accomplish that is to show him.

After refreshing myself, donning a plain and easy animalistic suit, I headed down to his office building. The soothing aroma of freshly brewed coffee accompanied by the low noise of vehicular movements welcomed me as I walked into the lobby. Collecting myself, I took a step closer to the receptionist but felt my heart race seeing how close I was to her. She smiled politely and made a call to Damien's office to inform him of my presence.

"Madam, I'm sure you're aware he is engaged in a meeting, but he will join you in no time. Feel free to wait in his office," her assistant appeared. Moments later she blanked.

I declined her offer, however, and after that, turned and followed her down the hallway. On entering Damien's office, a host of memories flooded by late nights that turned into mornings due to project work, laughs shared in private, and intervals during communication when it felt as though we were the only existing humans. I sank into a leather couch, intertwining my fingers out of nervousness as I waited.

At long last, the door swung open, and in strode Damien. His appearance was hindered, devoid of the warmth that usually accompanied him, and this brought off a wave of anxiety. He went to the middle of the room, and, with a cool air, occupied a position against the desk which he leaned against as he looked at me, expecting that I would talk first.

"Damien." I paused, breathing out a sense of relief and starting within; "I am sorry for what I did... Last night... I did not intend it to go that way. I never aimed to hurt you."

He responded with a slight nod, knowing nothing of what was going on. "I'm all ears."

I inhaled the air deeply and pursed my lips. "I know I missed the mark. Grant coming in like that... It caught me off guard, but it didn't mean anything. I assure you, whatever he is up to, it will not come to pass. He does not interest me. It is you Damien who I want. Only you."

He was quiet for a time, staring at the ground. At long last, he made the effort to look up and so our gazes met. "Lena, I wish I could believe you, I truly do. But seeing you with him last night... reminded me of all the things I have been working very hard to forget. It was as if I was watching you drift away, right before my eyes."

I took a step forward, extending my arm in an attempt to grasp his hands, only for him to recoil from my hold, causing my heart to drop. "Damien, I'm begging you," I breathed, my voice trembling. "I have run out of things to say. I regret it, yet I will not lose you over my poor judgment."

He breathed out, a small exhale escaped him as he agitatedly resumed his posture. "Lena, it is not, unfortunately, just about the actions undertaken last night. One more thing is, we don't have to dwell on the past and can actually look ahead and move on. That is the only way I can proceed."

As I acknowledged, tears brimmed at the corner of my eyes. "I do, Damien. I know things have not been perfect. I am willing to fight for this. I want to show you that you are the only one for me."

We remained in that quiet for some time, and all the unexpressed feelings lingered between us. Gradually, he did, holding my hand with both of his. His hold was reassuring yet cautious, as though he was only trying to see how deep the water was before him, weighing the risks of trusting me again.

"I do have feelings for you, Lena," he said in a tone that was hard for me to decipher. As much as he sounded hopeful, there was also timidity. "Although, that's not enough for me. I can't do it without protection. I can't do it while wondering if I'm commonplace to you, such that I am all you can find, or if it's just convenient for you to have me around."

"You can't," I explained, tightening his grip. "You mean far more than that to me. I'm aware that it's been challenging, but I assure you. I am present. I am all in."