GULLIBLE AND NAIVE LOVE.

Chapter Eight: s*****y.

Why was I going through all this? I kept wondering. Did I perhaps wrong somebody in my past life and got a retribution. All impossible questions kept going through my mind. All I wanted was to get somebody to talk to but who was I going to find? Was I that trusting? I wasn't, and in a way I was surprised that I felt connected to Bruce.

These and more were the reason why I feared opening up. I kept blaming myself for the predicaments. I was a slave to my past, present and future as it was.

Why was I prone to being taken advantage of sexually?

Tears stained my chicks as each and every details of my past and present life flashed right before my eyes. This was not the first attempt of r**e but it was unfortunate that it was the first successful attempt of r**e. I was s*x addict despite having not engaged in s****l i*********e and now that it happened I got too attached to my r****t and I sort him out each night to my room and each morning I cried myself out regretting it all only to do it all over. I did not understand. Why was I unable to stop? I was a slave to my r****t. I was attached and my s****l drive was unimaginable.

My daily routine was beg for s*x, get it, flashback on the incidents, wake up exhausted emotionally and numb with a lot of regrets. I hated him, I hated the source of my predicaments, I blamed everything on him but I did not do much.

Everyday I woke up with fears of unexpected pregnancy or rather being infected.

Every time my family dangled the perfect card about him before me about him, I felt nauseated, exhausted, unloved.

I kept asking why God would favor him, wasn't he supposed to suffer with me. Why was I going through this alone? Why did I have to play a hide and seek game with my emotions? Why did I have to be broken? Why did I have to fake it? At the end of the day I was a spoilt kid who was lazy and hot tempered.

I yearned for somebody anybody to see through my pain but nobody did. Did I mask it so well or were they not keen enough? I wondered over and over again. One thing I knew I had become one with my fake that even I could not make them apart. I got used to it, I played it perfectly. Perhaps I needed take a career in acting as I thrived so well in it.

As the pain got more and more unbearable I tried reaching out to Bruce and he ghosted me each time. I regretted sorting him out initially, involving my emotions and stepping into the unknown emotions but the damage was already done. I was back to being the lonely wolf I was. I should have known getting attached was a bad news. Bruce negligence hit me so hard, the pain was worse that being assaulted. And I vowed to never get involve with him emotionally, never get together with Bruce romantically. I was in love I realized and that was my weakness, he was my weakness. I got lucky we had not gotten too deep with each other. Cutting ties was hard but I eventually did by getting into a rebound. I promised myself to treat my feelings for Bruce as a mere crush little did I know I would break the vow and that would be an opening to another emotional t*****e.