The New Du Rose Matriarch

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

A peaceful evening followed the wretched day. Logan drove into Ngaruawahia and fetched fish and chips which they shared in front of the television.

Hana sighed and stroked her daughter’s fluffy head. “It’s nice to sit on the sofa without falling between the gaps in the springs.”

“Yeah, I know,” Logan tutted. “I’m sorry.” He slipped his arm around her shoulders and stroked Phoenix’s feet.

Hana saw the blackness descend and nudged him. “What are you thinking about?”

Logan shook his head and gnawed on his bottom lip. “I’m wondering what to call my father,” he said. Hana’s heart clenched in her chest at the sadness in his voice. “Do I call him Pa still, or Alfred?” Sighing, he squeezed the bridge of his nose between finger and thumb, smiling at the way Phoenix kicked her legs in protest.

“You stopped your massage.” Hana smirked. “Boy, you’re whipped!” Her expression grew serious. “What do you want to call him?”

Logan stiffened. “Nothing right now. Please, can we not talk about it?”

Hana experienced a spark of irritation, but knew pressing him achieved nothing except an argument. “Why did you tell Phoe about how we met?” she asked instead. “She won’t remember.” Her teeth worried at her lower lip. “You won’t tell her I was eighteen and pregnant, will you?”

Logan shrugged. “Not if you don’t want me to. I’d like her to grow up knowing her heritage. It will shape who she becomes.” He silenced, the dark spectre back in position over his chest, forcing him to take stock of what he’d lost.

“I guess.” Hana’s mind wandered back twenty-six years as she snuggled into his side. Logan’s striking grey eyes stared at her from an olive, boyish face. She remembered the wet tears on her cheeks and his mother passing her a handkerchief as the tube train gobbled up another underground station. Miriam. Hana closed her eyes and released a sigh.

“Promise you won’t tell Phoenix why I was crying?” She tensed, wondering why it bothered her so much still. Logan shot her an odd, sideways glance.

“I won’t, Hana. When have you known me betray someone else’s secret?”

“Thanks.” Hana released her held breath. “I’m not sure Bodie ever worked it out. Vik never celebrated our wedding anniversary, so hopefully he’ll never guess.” She sighed. “He wasn’t big on marriage vows either.”

“Hey.” Logan pulled her in tighter. “Don’t rake over old coals, babe. There’s no point.”

When they went to bed, Hana stood in the bedroom cradling the baby and casting around. “The cot’s still at the unit,” she whispered. “What should I do?”

Logan yanked his empty bottom drawer from the cabinet and snatched up a blanket. “Put her in here,” he said, laying it on the rug. Deft fingers created a nest from the blanket and he slipped his warm tee shirt over his head. “Give her here.”

“You can’t do that!” Hana twisted her body to shield the child. “It’s a drawer.”

Logan rose and claimed his daughter. “It’s how I started out, Hana.” His eyes darkened with pain. “Not that it’s any kind of endorsement.”

Hana relinquished the child and watched Logan lay her in the drawer. He swaddled her in his tee shirt, allowing enough room for her to poke her thumb between her lips. Glancing up at his wife, he broke into a smile. “I wasn’t born six foot four, Hana. It’ll work out for tonight.”

“Thank goodness she’s stopped crying,” she said, rubbing her eyes and yawning. “I made a terrible mess of coping. I thought I’d be better at it this time around, but I’m just older and more knackered.”

Logan wrapped his arms around her, his brow furrowing. “I miss your pregnancy curves,” he whispered. “You’re getting skinny. I liked you with bigger boobs.”

Hana pushed his hands away, her lips quirking into a smile. Logan caught her again, trapping her arms and kissing her neck. “Let me say it one more time and then I’ll stop,” he whispered, frowning at Hana’s confused expression. “I’m sorry for allowing Angus to browbeat me into helping him out. It was a big mistake, given our horrific summer. We needed time to heal and didn’t get it. I’m sorry.” He sighed into Hana’s hair and she snuggled closer.

She possessed no magic words to take his pain away. Instead, she pushed her hands inside his shirt. “How about I distract you while Phoe’s asleep?” she offered and Logan smiled.

“I could be persuaded.”

Hana slipped her sweatshirt over her head, revealing the maternity b*a beneath. “Oh.” She looked down in disappointment, her sexy image dissipating before her eyes. Logan’s lips curved upwards in anticipation and he bit his lower lip.

“And the rest,” he whispered. The desire in his face emboldened Hana, folding her in a haze of desirability and she shed the rest of her clothing in a series of sexy shimmies.

“You’re gorgeous,” Logan sighed, grabbing her around her waist and edging her backwards onto the bed. He removed his clothes, making Hana wait while he revealed his muscular olive chest and the dusting of dark hair. She followed the line down his stomach, her pupils dilating as it disappeared into his boxer shorts. When he joined her on the bed she reached for him, pulling him on top of her and seeking his lips with urgency.

Some of the pain left Logan’s eyes as they cuddled later. Hana ran her hand between his pectorals, making him shudder as she dragged her finger across his n****e. The baby slept in the drawer, gentle snores punctuated by the sound of thumb sucking.

“She got so distressed after the injection.” Hana stopped herself stepping back into yesterday’s misery, the endless, painful crying and sense of utter powerlessness. “I took her back to the clinic and they gave her pain relief. She cried until after we saw you this morning. Actually, she cried until we arrived here.”

Logan took Hana’s roving fingers in his wide palm and pulled her onto his chest. “You’re a great mum, Hana. Stop being so hard on yourself.” He placed a finger over her lips and she heard the cry of his heart in the whispered words, “We both love her, Hana. She already has more than we ever did.”

Phoenix woke twice in the night, feeding with enthusiasm to help her little body cope with the inoculations. In between, she slept, allowing Hana to shuck her own exhaustion.

“I feel so much better,” she exclaimed next morning, saner and ready to deal with the day. After a six o’clock feed, Hana washed the baby in the shower, handing her out to Logan so she could soap herself.

He stumbled around in his towel, fumbling with a tiny sleep suit and nappy as Phoenix wriggled on the bed. He swore as his cell phone vibrated on the bedside table and reached across to retrieve it. Phoenix sent the tube of nappy cream spinning across the bed with a well-aimed kick.

“Who was that?” Suspicion laced Hana’s voice as she entered wearing a towel, her hair pulled back into a ponytail.

Logan finished speaking and frowned, disconnecting the call and fixing a steady gaze on Hana’s face. “Who do you think, Hana?” His eyes narrowed and he tugged Phoenix’s foot away from her mouth.

“I don’t know.” She put irritation into her tone and jerked her shoulder upward, wondering if he’d tell her the truth. Doubt crept back into her marriage, infiltrating by degrees with Caroline’s appearance.

“Angus employed contractors last night. They’re working on the unit over the next week.” Logan sounded tired, rubbing his hand over his face.

“He got onto that fast.” Hana swallowed. “He must really want you at the boarding house.”

“Yep.” Logan fastened his buttons while the baby kicked on the bed next to him. He blew a raspberry on her soft stomach and she jerked in surprise. “You can stay here until it’s finished.”

“What about you?” Rebellion raised her tone. “I won’t stay here without you.” She set her jaw in determination and pushed away the sassy image of Caroline.

Logan winced. “I’m rostered on for another night duty.”

“Again?” Hana felt the muscles in her back bunch and panic ramped up its game in her heart. Her fingers fluttered over the knotted towel at her breast. “I don’t understand.”

“What don’t you understand?” Logan fitted socks over his feet and eyed her sideways. “We can’t leave the boys without supervision, Hana. It’s my job.”

“But it’s not just yours. There are other boarding house staff, Logan. The duties are shared. I don’t understand why it always falls to you.”

Logan sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Hana saw his jaw working in his cheek and felt the falling sensation creep back into her psyche. “You’re avoiding me, aren’t you?” She asked the question whilst knowing he would dodge it, her little world tilting to one side as fear took hold. Wrenching the knotted towel apart, she reached for her underwear. “You didn’t think I’d grow suspicious when Caroline turned up yesterday after you’ve spent most nights at the boarding house.” She closed her eyes and blew out through pursed lips. “I’m such a b****y i***t!” Her b*a shook in her fingers and the clasp resisted her.

“She did what?” Logan snarled the question and his body took on a painful rigidity. The darkness in his eyes made Hana gulp. His jaw tightened, spitting out the words like bullets. “You think I’m having an affair with her?”

“I don’t know.” Hana finished fastening her b*a and hauled her knickers over her hips. “I don’t know what to think about anything anymore.” Snatching a summer dress from the wardrobe, she pushed her head through the hole and let the fabric muffle her voice. “I know I can’t go on like this much longer.”

Logan exhaled. “Geez, Hana.” He rubbed a hand over the bristles on his chin. “Go on like what?”

Hana lifted her daughter from the bed and carried her to the armchair by the ranch slider. She dressed the jerky, rag-doll body in a knitted cardigan. Logan stood and he appeared wooden as he pulled on his work trousers and tucked in his shirt.

“I’m not having an affair with Caroline or anyone else.” His tone softened and Hana felt tears well up her throat and make their way into her forehead. She struggled to hold onto them. “Hana.” He said her name, compelling her to look into his mesmerising grey eyes.

“Fine.” She kept her voice light as she popped a bonnet over the baby’s dark hair. Phoenix blinked and her eyes widened as she searched Hana’s face. Her thumb strayed into her mouth and Hana kissed her soft cheek and tried to drown out the turmoil.

Logan followed her to the lobby and watched as she fitted the baby into her car seat. He waited until she stood up straight and then captured her around the waist, dragging her into his chest. “You don’t believe me.” He said it like a statement of fact and Hana shrugged. Logan inhaled, temper vying for airspace. “What did the crazy b***h say to make you think that?”

Hana shook her head. “Nothing, Logan. She asked where you were and said she needed to see you. I said some spiteful things and she left.” She bit her lip, not wanting to admit quite how spiteful.

Logan sighed. “She wanted permission to stay at the motel with Nev and his family. I told her no way. She left.”

Hana’s eyes narrowed and she leaned back so she could see his face. He kept an even grip on her waist. “And?”

Logan tutted. “And she tried to kiss me. And she made threats. And then she left.”

Hana shook her head. “Would you have said anything if I hadn’t mentioned it?”

Logan’s brow furrowed and he appeared to give it serious thought. “I don’t know.” His honesty stung. “I don’t think so. Things were okay between us. Now they’re not.”

Hana closed her eyes. “Things were not okay, Logan.” She freed her arms and pushed against his chest. “We call the occasional truce when we’re both too exhausted to fight, but that’s not okay.”

Logan released her, taking a step backwards as hurt slithered across his face. “I thought things were good.”

Hana snorted and bent to push her feet into her sneakers, wrinkling her nose at the pretty dress paired with comfortable shoes. “You’re never around, Logan,” she said, tying the laces with shaking fingers. “How would you know?” She glanced up to witness him clenching his teeth. When she stood, she picked her words with care and aimed them to cause deliberate hurt. Something had to give and she’d grown tired of it being her. “We both watched your mother die, Logan. She committed suicide and chose death with her lover over life with her family.” Hana stuck her chin in the air. “Bottling it up won’t make the pain go away and nor will spending your life at work. If you won’t talk to me, at least talk to someone. Angus. Anyone.” Hana flapped her hand towards his ashen face. “I’m done with the hard-man act, Logan. Do I wonder why you’re not at home with me and our daughter? Yes. All the b****y time. Do I think you’d go back to your ex fiancé? Probably.” Logan’s eyes widened and his lips parted, ready indignation ready to rain on her fire. Hana sighed and bent to seize the car seat’s handle. “Right now you’re a loaded g*n and I have no idea what will make you pull the trigger.” Her chin wobbled as emotion threatened to spill out. “It sure as hell makes you unpredictable and I’m tired of raising our daughter alone. It wasn’t what I signed up for.”

Hana left while Logan remained speechless. She closed the door behind her, sensing guilt follow her down the porch steps. Loading up the car seat, she left. “I know you’re suffering,” she breathed as she joined the rush hour traffic. “But I can’t help you if you won’t let me.”