Why I'm still single

why I'm still single

Why Am I Still Single? 8 Reasons People Often Stay Single

DEFENSES, LOVE, RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS, RELATIONSHIPS, TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

By Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.

Clearly, some people are single because they choose to be. They are simply not interested in being in a serious relationship at this time in their life. Others are single due to the circumstances of their lives. They may have just gotten out of a meaningful relationship or have dated relentlessly and just haven’t found someone with whom they’re truly compatible. The point of this article isn’t to stereotype all single women or men or to put anyone in a box. However, for people, particularly those over 30, who are looking for answers to the puzzling question “why am I still single?”, here are some unconventional answers that lie within.

When it comes to dating and relationships, it’s hard not to feel that you are a victim. After all, others can be cruel; you will get hurt, and no, it isn’t always your fault. But the reality is that we hold more power over our romantic destiny than we often think. To a great degree, we create the world we live in, although we are rarely conscious of this process. We can, in fact, make a choice whether to see our fate through a victimized lens or choose to be goal-directed and take power over our lives. We benefit from focusing on what we can control and not what we can’t. We can become aware of the myriad of ways we influence the reactions we get from others, even the negative reactions. So, the question for the single person looking for love is: what are the internal challenges I need to face?

1) Defenses

Most people have been hurt in interpersonal relationships. With time and painful experiences, we all risk building up varying degrees of bitterness and becoming defended. This process begins long before we start dating, in our childhoods, when hurtful interactions and dynamics lead us to put up walls or perceive the world through a filter that can negatively impact us as adults. These adaptations can cause us to become increasingly self-protective and closed off. In our adult relationships, we may resist being too vulnerable or write people off too easily.

If, for example, you were raised by parents or caretakers who were negligent or cold, you may grow up feeling distrusting of affection. You may feel suspicious of people who show “too much” interest in you and instead, you seek out relationships that recreate dynamics from your past. You may then choose a partner who is aloof or distant. It isn’t always easy to see when we have our defenses up. As a result, we tend to blame our singleness on external forces and fail to recognize that we aren’t as open as we think.

2) Unhealthy Attractions

When we act on our defenses, we tend to choose less-than-ideal relationship partners. We may establish an unsatisfying relationship by selecting a person who isn’t emotionally available. Because this process is largely unconscious, we often blame our partner for the relationship’s failed outcome. We tend to feel devastated or hurt by the repeated rejections without recognizing that we are actually seeking out this pattern.

Why do we do this? The reasons are complex and often based on our own embedded fears of intimacy. Many people have an unconscious motivation to seek out relationships that reinforce critical thoughts they have long had toward themselves and replay negative aspects of their childhoods. These may be unpleasant, but breaking with old patterns can cause us a great deal of anxiety and discomfort and make us feel strangely alien and alone in a more loving environment.

Our fears of parting with the image we developed of ourselves early on and starting to see ourselves in a more positive light paradoxically make us feel uneasy and may trigger self-attacking thoughts like, “Who do you think you are? You’re not that great.” These fears may cause us to hold on to relationships without potential or to feel attracted to people who aren’t really available, because they reinforce our negative image of ourselves, which feels more comfortable and familiar, albeit painful.

3) Fear of Intimacy

As my father, psychologist and author Robert Firestone, wrote in his article “You Don’t Want What You Say You Want,” “Most of us profess that we want to find a loving partner, but the experience of real love disrupts fantasies of love that have served as a survival mechanism since early childhood… Pushing away and punishing the beloved acts to preserve one’s negative self-image and reduces anxiety.”

Our fears surrounding intimacy may manifest as concerns over someone “liking us too much,” an understandably irrational reason not to date a person. Or we may punish the other person by being critical, even engaging in nasty behavior, essentially making sure we don’t get the loving responses we say we want. The reality is that most people can only tolerate a certain amount of closeness. We are defended about letting someone else in. In effect, on a deeper level, we don’t necessarily want the love we say we want.

4) Pickiness

Our own defenses often leave us feeling pickier and more judgmental. This is particularly true after we’ve had bad experiences, where we were deceived or rejected by a person for whom we had strong feelings. Many women start to have thoughts like, “There are no decent men out there” or “All the good ones are taken.” Men may have thoughts like, “You can’t trust a women” or “Women are all out to take advantage of you.” We may have unrealistic expectations for a partner or pinpoint weaknesses from the moment we meet someone. When viewing the world from critical or distrusting eyes, we tend to write off a range of potential partners before even giving them a chance. We think of dating certain people as “settling” without ever seeing how that person could make us happy in the long-term.

A friend of mine felt closed off to a man who pursued her for more than a year. Although she saw him as kind, funny and smart, she convinced herself that he was “too into her.” She said he was too needy and was sure he would wind up getting hurt by her. She often stated that she just wasn’t attracted to him. The men she was drawn to instead tended to be unreliable and emotionally distant. At her friends’ insistence, she finally agreed to go on a date with the man who’d been pursuing her. What she found, to her surprise, was a high-level relationship choice, a partner with whom she shared a great deal of mutual interest, and, ultimately, genuine love.

What hers and so many similar stories show us is that when we think we are “settling” for someone, we may not be settling at all. We may actually find ourselves in a relationship that is so much more rewarding than those we have experienced. Ironically, initially we tend not to trust the people who really like us, but when we give them a chance, we find that we’ve chosen someone who values us for who we really are, someone who can really make us happy.

Why Am I Still Single? 8 Reasons People Often Stay Single

DEFENSES, LOVE, RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS, RELATIONSHIPS, TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

By Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.

Clearly, some people are single because they choose to be. They are simply not interested in being in a serious relationship at this time in their life. Others are single due to the circumstances of their lives. They may have just gotten out of a meaningful relationship or have dated relentlessly and just haven’t found someone with whom they’re truly compatible. The point of this article isn’t to stereotype all single women or men or to put anyone in a box. However, for people, particularly those over 30, who are looking for answers to the puzzling question “why am I still single?”, here are some unconventional answers that lie within.

When it comes to dating and relationships, it’s hard not to feel that you are a victim. After all, others can be cruel; you will get hurt, and no, it isn’t always your fault. But the reality is that we hold more power over our romantic destiny than we often think. To a great degree, we create the world we live in, although we are rarely conscious of this process. We can, in fact, make a choice whether to see our fate through a victimized lens or choose to be goal-directed and take power over our lives. We benefit from focusing on what we can control and not what we can’t. We can become aware of the myriad of ways we influence the reactions we get from others, even the negative reactions. So, the question for the single person looking for love is: what are the internal challenges I need to face?

1) Defenses

Most people have been hurt in interpersonal relationships. With time and painful experiences, we all risk building up varying degrees of bitterness and becoming defended. This process begins long before we start dating, in our childhoods, when hurtful interactions and dynamics lead us to put up walls or perceive the world through a filter that can negatively impact us as adults. These adaptations can cause us to become increasingly self-protective and closed off. In our adult relationships, we may resist being too vulnerable or write people off too easily.

If, for example, you were raised by parents or caretakers who were negligent or cold, you may grow up feeling distrusting of affection. You may feel suspicious of people who show “too much” interest in you and instead, you seek out relationships that recreate dynamics from your past. You may then choose a partner who is aloof or distant. It isn’t always easy to see when we have our defenses up. As a result, we tend to blame our singleness on external forces and fail to recognize that we aren’t as open as we think.

2) Unhealthy Attractions

When we act on our defenses, we tend to choose less-than-ideal relationship partners. We may establish an unsatisfying relationship by selecting a person who isn’t emotionally available. Because this process is largely unconscious, we often blame our partner for the relationship’s failed outcome. We tend to feel devastated or hurt by the repeated rejections without recognizing that we are actually seeking out this pattern.

Why do we do this? The reasons are complex and often based on our own embedded fears of intimacy. Many people have an unconscious motivation to seek out relationships that reinforce critical thoughts they have long had toward themselves and replay negative aspects of their childhoods. These may be unpleasant, but breaking with old patterns can cause us a great deal of anxiety and discomfort and make us feel strangely alien and alone in a more loving environment.

Our fears of parting with the image we developed of ourselves early on and starting to see ourselves in a more positive light paradoxically make us feel uneasy and may trigger self-attacking thoughts like, “Who do you think you are? You’re not that great.” These fears may cause us to hold on to relationships without potential or to feel attracted to people who aren’t really available, because they reinforce our negative image of ourselves, which feels more comfortable and familiar, albeit painful.

Why Am I Still

3) Fear of Intimacy

As my father, psychologist and author Robert Firestone, wrote in his article “You Don’t Want What You Say You Want,” “Most of us profess that we want to find a loving partner, but the experience of real love disrupts fantasies of love that have served as a survival mechanism since early childhood… Pushing away and punishing the beloved acts to preserve one’s negative self-image and reduces anxiety.”

Our fears surrounding intimacy may manifest as concerns over someone “liking us too much,” an understandably irrational reason not to date a person. Or we may punish the other person by being critical, even engaging in nasty behavior, essentially making sure we don’t get the loving responses we say we want. The reality is that most people can only tolerate a certain amount of closeness. We are defended about letting someone else in. In effect, on a deeper level, we don’t necessarily want the love we say we want.

4) Pickiness

Our own defenses often leave us feeling pickier and more judgmental. This is particularly true after we’ve had bad experiences, where we were deceived or rejected by a person for whom we had strong feelings. Many women start to have thoughts like, “There are no decent men out there” or “All the good ones are taken.” Men may have thoughts like, “You can’t trust a women” or “Women are all out to take advantage of you.” We may have unrealistic expectations for a partner or pinpoint weaknesses from the moment we meet someone. When viewing the world from critical or distrusting eyes, we tend to write off a range of potential partners before even giving them a chance. We think of dating certain people as “settling” without ever seeing how that person could make us happy in the long-term.

A friend of mine felt closed off to a man who pursued her for more than a year. Although she saw him as kind, funny and smart, she convinced herself that he was “too into her.” She said he was too needy and was sure he would wind up getting hurt by her. She often stated that she just wasn’t attracted to him. The men she was drawn to instead tended to be unreliable and emotionally distant. At her friends’ insistence, she finally agreed to go on a date with the man who’d been pursuing her. What she found, to her surprise, was a high-level relationship choice, a partner with whom she shared a great deal of mutual interest, and, ultimately, genuine love.

What hers and so many similar stories show us is that when we think we are “settling” for someone, we may not be settling at all. We may actually find ourselves in a relationship that is so much more rewarding than those we have experienced. Ironically, initially we tend not to trust the people who really like us, but when we give them a chance, we find that we’ve chosen someone who values us for who we really are, someone who can really make us happy.

5) Low Self-Esteem

So many people I’ve spoken to have expressed the same sentiment. They believe they want a fulfilling relationship more than anything, but they believe even more firmly that no one worthwhile would be interested in them. We all possess “critical inner voices” that tell us we are too fat, too ugly, too old or too different. When we listen to these “voices,” we engage in behaviors that push people away. When we remain single, it is not for the reasons that we’re telling ourselves. Our lack of confidence leaves us giving off signals of not being open, creating a catch 22 in the realm of dating. Many people even have trouble leaving the house when they’re really down on themselves, let alone pursuing situations where they are likely to meet potential partners. Some struggle to make eye contact or are reluctant to scan the room for who they might be attracted to. When they are drawn to someone, they may fail to pursue their strongest attractions for lack of self-esteem.

6) Fear of Competition

A lack of self-esteem often leads to fears of competing. It’s easy to put ourselves down in relation to others, especially when it comes to dating. When we meet someone we like, it’s all too easy to think, “He/she could do better.” When we see that someone else is interested in the person we like, we may be quick to back away. We may feel unwilling to compete, particularly as we get older, and we start to have self-attacks like “Your time has passed, you’re too old for this.” Our fears of competition can lead us to avoid putting ourselves out there. We may be afraid of looking like a fool or of not being chosen. We may even have fears about winning the competition, thinking we will “hurt the other person’s feelings” or that our success will result in aggression from the loser. The simple truth is: dating is competitive. It is scary to take a chance and go for what we want and compete, but when we do, we most often find it is well worth it to face our fears. We end up with a stronger sense of self, and we increase our chances of creating a relationship with the partner we really desire.

7) Isolation and Routine

With age, people tend to retreat further and further into their comfort zones. Modern women are more and more successful, accomplished and self-sufficient, which are all extremely positive developments. Yet as both men and women get more comfortable, be it financially or practically, it is also easier for them to form a bubble from which it is difficult to emerge. It can feel harder to take risks or put themselves out there. After a long day’s work, many of us may feel more like putting on pajamas and crawling into bed than going out into the uncertain and anxiety-provoking world of meeting people.

The encouragement we feel to stay home or stay safe often comes from our critical inner voice. This inner coach offers self-soothing words, “Just stay in tonight and relax. You’re fine on your own. Have a glass of wine. Watch that show you like.” The problem with this voice is that it later turns on you with thoughts like, “What a loser you are, home alone again. You’ll be lonely the rest of your life. You’re not getting any younger! No one will be attracted to you.” Many of the activities we use to “comfort” ourselves actually make us feel bad in the end, as they result in us avoiding pursuing what we really want in life. It’s important to resist falling into a comfort zone and to repeatedly challenge the influence of our critical inner voice. We should take action and make an effort to get out into the world, smile, make eye contact and let friends know we are looking for someone. We should try new activities and even try dating diverse people as a means to discover new parts of ourselves and what makes us happy.

8) Rule-making

As years pass, we often develop rulebooks for ourselves regarding dating. In effect, we put what we have learned “down on paper,” but what looks good on paper doesn’t always work in real life. When we act on rules based on our past, we can create a perpetual cycle of disappointing relationships. A woman I know once dated someone with whom she had amazing chemistry. When it didn’t work out, she decided to stop looking for a guy she felt a strong connection with or attraction to. Instead, she made “reasonable” choices, and as a result, she found far less satisfying relationships.

It’s important not to make fixed rules or to buy into other people’s rules when it comes to dating.

Staying open is one of the most important things we can do when looking for a loving partner. Yes, we might get hurt but when we stop taking risks, we reduce our chances of meeting someone we could really have a future with. Relationship rules tend to go hand-in-hand with game-playing. They can lead us to act with less sincerity and authenticity, to close ourselves off from how we feel. On the other hand, staying open and honest will lead us to find a much more authentic and substantial relationship.

Seeking love isn’t an easy quest, but it’s always best to take this journey on our own side. It’s important to fight the patterns inside us that hold us back from getting what we want. We can’t shield ourselves from the world or keep ourselves from getting hurt. We all carry flaws, and these vulnerabilities are especially apparent when getting close to one another. Thus, achieving intimacy is a brave battle, but it is one well-worth fighting for, each and every day, both within ourselves and, ultimately, within our relationships.

You're trying to protect yourself from getting hurt.

Suppose you didn't grow up feeling safe and secure with your parents or caregivers or struggled to experience that feeling in previous relationships. In that case, it's natural that you might have developed a fear of intimacy. "As humans, we are born to connect and bond but experiencing unpredictable relationships can create a fear of opening yourself up to another again," says Macadaan.

In order to protect yourself from a painful experience, feeling trapped in an unhealthy relationship, or a bond leading to a big change in your life, you'll have an "inner saboteur lurking under the surface, putting up blocks," explains Macadaan. "The saboteur is creative and can show up in various ways including insecurity, body image issues, being extremely picky, avoiding dating altogether, continually putting off socializing and dating, or keeping yourself very busy with other things."

To address this, she recommends writing down all the fears, blocks, and doubts that come up around dating and see what comes up. While you can gain a lot of self-awareness through this exercise, working one-on-one with a therapist is the best way to understand unconscious blocks and gain more control over them, says Macadaan.

Sure, there's the fact that swiping right or swiping left can be incredibly dehumanizing and the dating pool is full of people who aren't ready for a serious commitment. But the reasons you're still single can also be unconscious, points out Stephanie Macadaan, a licensed marriage and family therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, California.

Ahead, we're sharing nine reasons you might be unattached, even if you don't want to be, according to experts.

1. You're trying to protect yourself from getting hurt.

Suppose you didn't grow up feeling safe and secure with your parents or caregivers or struggled to experience that feeling in previous relationships. In that case, it's natural that you might have developed a fear of intimacy. "As humans, we are born to connect and bond but experiencing unpredictable relationships can create a fear of opening yourself up to another again," says Macadaan.

In order to protect yourself from a painful experience, feeling trapped in an unhealthy relationship, or a bond leading to a big change in your life, you'll have an "inner saboteur lurking under the surface, putting up blocks," explains Macadaan. "The saboteur is creative and can show up in various ways including insecurity, body image issues, being extremely picky, avoiding dating altogether, continually putting off socializing and dating, or keeping yourself very busy with other things."

To address this, she recommends writing down all the fears, blocks, and doubts that come up around dating and see what comes up. While you can gain a lot of self-awareness through this exercise, working one-on-one with a therapist is the best way to understand unconscious blocks and gain more control over them, says Macadaan.

6 Dating App Mistakes You're Probably Making and How to Stop

2. You could stand to identify your dating blind spots.

Those fears and blocks and doubts can also manifest as "patterns, behaviors, or ways of thinking — or dating blind spots — that are holding you back from finding love," explains Logan Ury, Hinge's Director of Relationship Science and author of How to Not Die Alone. for me,'" notes Ury.

The maximizer is the person who's constantly looking for someone who might be a bit hotter, a bit more ambitious, never fully embracing the partner they might have right in front of them. "They always keep looking instead of committing to someone and building that great relationship," says Ury.

The third type is the hesitator, who has unrealistic expectations for themselves, believing they can't get out there until they've become the person they want to be — until they've lost 10 pounds or cleaned their apartment or gotten a different job. "But dating is a skill, and you only get better by going out and doing it," notes Ury.

By identifying your dating tendency, you can gain the kind of self-awareness that helps you reform those relationship-blocking patterns and behaviors in order to move forward, explains Ury.

Sure, there's the fact that swiping right or swiping left can be incredibly dehumanizing and the dating pool is full of people who aren't ready for a serious commitment. But the reasons you're still single can also be unconscious, points out Stephanie Macadaan, a licensed marriage and family therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, California.

Ahead, we're sharing nine reasons you might be unattached, even if you don't want to be, according to experts.

1. You're trying to protect yourself from getting hurt.

Suppose you didn't grow up feeling safe and secure with your parents or caregivers or struggled to experience that feeling in previous relationships. In that case, it's natural that you might have developed a fear of intimacy. "As humans, we are born to connect and bond but experiencing unpredictable relationships can create a fear of opening yourself up to another again," says Macadaan.

In order to protect yourself from a painful experience, feeling trapped in an unhealthy relationship, or a bond leading to a big change in your life, you'll have an "inner saboteur lurking under the surface, putting up blocks," explains Macadaan. "The saboteur is creative and can show up in various ways including insecurity, body image issues, being extremely picky, avoiding dating altogether, continually putting off socializing and dating, or keeping yourself very busy with other things."

To address this, she recommends writing down all the fears, blocks, and doubts that come up around dating and see what comes up. While you can gain a lot of self-awareness through this exercise, working one-on-one with a therapist is the best way to understand unconscious blocks and gain more control over them, says Macadaan.

6 Dating App Mistakes You're Probably Making and How to Stop

2. You could stand to identify your dating blind spots.

Those fears and blocks and doubts can also manifest as "patterns, behaviors, or ways of thinking — or dating blind spots — that are holding you back from finding love," explains Logan Ury, Hinge's Director of Relationship Science and author of How to Not Die Alone. She categorizes the common blind spots into three different "dating tendencies:" the romanticizer, the maximizer, and the hesitator. (You can find out which category you fall under by taking a quiz on her site.)

The romanticizer is the person who loves love and believes they're single because they just haven't met the right person yet. "They expect love to be effortless, so when they get into a relationship and hit that inevitable rough spot, they think, 'Oh, this must just not be the person for me,'" notes Ury.

The maximizer is the person who's constantly looking for someone who might be a bit hotter, a bit more ambitious, never fully embracing the partner they might have right in front of them. "They always keep looking instead of committing to someone and building that great relationship," says Ury.

The third type is the hesitator, who has unrealistic expectations for themselves, believing they can't get out there until they've become the person they want to be — until they've lost 10 pounds or cleaned their apartment or gotten a different job. "But dating is a skill, and you only get better by going out and doing it," notes Ury.

By identifying your dating tendency, you can gain the kind of self-awareness that helps you reform those relationship-blocking patterns and behaviors in order to move forward, explains Ury.

Amie Leadingham, a master certified relationship coach, agrees, calling this "the packaging trap." This happens when you base your connection "on another person's material or superficial qualities" — and as time goes by, "you both discover your core values or beliefs do not align which can lead to relationship doom," she notes.

Virginia recommends clarifying the type of person you want to attract to steer clear of this pitfall. Perhaps you decide you want someone who's family-oriented and on the same page with their career. Going into a date holding that in mind, you can then see if the person fits that criteria via their words and actions.

4. You struggle to hold space for someone else's feelings and views.

All humans are innately egocentric – after all, over the course of evolution, focusing on ourselves and our safety kept us alive, Virginia explains. But we have to put that basic instinct aside in order to recognize that other people have had different life experiences from us, and thus have different — equally valid — viewpoints and opinions, she says. And having a hard time holding space for someone else's experience and feelings can keep you from connecting with a potential partner.

On the other hand, being open to another person's perspective and being willing to compromise can help you not only hit it off with someone amazing but grow together. "There's actually a joy in admitting we're not always right — it takes the pressure off — and growing with a partner by incorporating their perspectives, which may be different from yours," notes Virginia.