Stories We Keep And Those We’re Trying To Forget

Jude Dillon Part 2

AUTUMN

The days have become duller and duller for me ever since the summer. The leaves are rusty and barely hanging on the branches. People walk up and down the campus as they sip their seasonal beverages in their silly little sweaters and beanies. Once the bell started ringing across the hall after my 3rd period, my friend Diane told me that Rj told her that there would be a party at 5, implying that I was invited despite me trying to avoid them ever since the summer.

But I still went ahead and joined them because I feel like I’ve already moved on with the whole Jude situation (which was a lie because I am still 100% invested in Jude even after metaphorically getting my bones crushed by falling in love with him and the no communication over the summer made my pining over him worse). Since we hadn’t been talking to each other after I found out he hooked up with Demy that summer night, I was dying to see him again, hoping this time maybe it would be different. That the impossible may be possible. As usual, Chico’s friends are there. Jude was also there waiting for Demy, I suppose. I remember having a really great time with them until Demy arrived and I wasn't so happy anymore. As the party progressed, I thought to myself as I was staring at Jude. “Months later, we’re still at the same bar, drinking in the same cups, sitting on the same chairs, in the same city, but the only difference was you were no longer looking at me. You were looking at her.” I wish I had never seen that but I did.

A little later, Jude went outside. Maybe he wanted to see her. Maybe he wanted to talk to her and discuss the loss of communication over the summer. But he didn’t. He seemed a little hurt to talk to her. Demy came over later to our spot and asked Carl if he would buy her a drink. She then asked me if I was mad at her for linking up with Jude. “No,” I replied to her. I was not. I was just jealous. A minute later, Jude came back from outside. They obviously had issues because once he came back, she hastily left.

I tried to smoke because they said it can help you think straight. I inhaled a drag of smoke when I saw Jude finally talking to Demy. She told him that she stopped talking to him because she knew that I liked Jude. Deep down I knew it was a lie. Demy stopped pursuing Jude over the summer when a hotter guy caught her attention. She left him again after that, making excuses to avoid talking to Jude. What hurt me the most was Jude believed her. I was hurt knowing she could affect him like that.

Hours passed and the alcohol consumed me. I saw different colors of lights dancing across the room; blue, violet, green, and red. Demy was still not talking to Jude and somehow that made me smile. “Is it so wrong of me to hope she breaks your heart? Is it so wrong of me to be selfish? Why are you still not talking to me? Are you really proving my theory that you only notice me when you’re drunk?” I said to myself. Because I couldn't make myself say these things to Jude out loud. I have no right.

Jude came back inside the bar where I was sitting in solitude since everyone was around socializing. After a minute of us sitting alone, I was thinking if I really had seen him crying. I was hoping he was. Hoping that once the pain subsides, Jude will talk to me again like in the old times and tell me he doesn't want to try it again with her.

I wanted to believe my friends when they told me that Jude said “I don't want to try it again with her anymore”. But I was wrong. They were wrong. Because that night, Jude tried it again with Demy. And there’s nothing more painful than watching them try it again. And then it hit me that nothing good comes off of pining over someone you’ll never have and settling with someone treating you badly because at least they’ll treat you at all. Now I have to think about where will I go from here.