My Mother's Boyfriend

22-Valentine Plan

Maya

Something is wrong with me.

This is a fact. I stare at my laptop screen as I list names of males I am attracted to.

Four names are there. Peter, Soren, Mr Victor my professor and Don. I put Don instead of Alejandro because I need to remind myself of what he is.

Tears roll down my eyes as I stare at his name. My mother’s boyfriend- how could I have him on the list? I attempt to ease my burden mind with the excuse of being married to him as a default. I mean, people from my traditional background get married to strangers all the time and produce offspring- even when they are forced to marry. Offspring indicates some attraction happened...right?

It’s normal.

But the guilt had my tears flowing, nevertheless, and me searching the internet about my lusty behaviour. Because apart from him, there are others that cause me to blush when I think of them or see them.

Minutes later, I found out that it is normal.

It seems, according to g*ogle, I am a ‘late bloomer’. And my hormones are ‘raging’.

‘It likely means that you are quite young, fairly insecure and inexperienced, and at the moment prefer fantasy (which is what a crush is) to reality - the hard work of an actual relationship. Don’t worry about it. You will gain experience, you will become more secure and as your life and horizons expand, you will find you have less needoom for fantasies about random strangers.’

Strangers? I’m married to one. Hah? I want it to be gone not gain experience.

Another search comes up with; ‘Because you are lonely and want so desperately to be loved. Each guy represents the hope you feel that each new guy will love you. I know it's very hard to be lonely, but try not to focus on the guys with so much admiration toward them. Try to find things you don't like about them to counter your strong feelings and turn your thoughts and attention on yourself and what's great about you. That way you'll start to feel stronger and more confident and one day guys will have crushes on you.’

Represent what? No-no. I do not want that. And hate? I think offing people should have been the deal breaker and nada.

Searching some more, I come up with; an emotional connection to a physical form, bla bla bla.

Okay, so I need some action it seems. Yeah, my body is reacting to what it wants to know, I guess. And being married, my perverted mind is taking a twist and sending me these unwanted signals.

Great. The dinner is tomorrow night so perhaps I could get an actual kiss from my husband.

“It’s not wrong,” I say sternly into the empty room, feeling as if my mother’s eyes were boring into my back. “I’m legally married to him, so he is the only one I can be physical with.”

My priest blessed this marriage. It’s sacred.

Soren is off limits and Peter might get in trouble- and he is not even thinking along the lines of me. Not because I find him so...I picture his chiselled form- yeah, it does not mean he is thinking of me the same way. That would be delusional of me.

And professor Victor is possibly a run them over sort because he is young, and I see how he smiles when the girls flirt with him. Though he never flirts back.

Soren could never be my boyfriend as I am married. It would never work.

This settles on my mind for a few seconds and I feel the acceptance wash over me. “None mum. I can have nobody in my life because of you! This is your fault technically. I will be in this prison, married to him forever!”

Rage builds up inside me and so does my voice. “I hate you.”

Frustration has hot tears running down my cheeks as I wrestle between my feelings for my mother and the physical ones my body craves.

By morning, my eyes and cheeks are swollen but nobody notices besides my Gabby. Alejandro is gone even before I am up and by the time I am dressed, I appear normal with the little makeup I applied and Gaby showed me how to use concealer.

She is so nosey but this morning it was welcomed.

Gabby has this habit of popping into my room from time to time to ‘check up’ on me. She says it’s her way of us ‘bonding’ and I go along with it. Truthfully, I think we are building something. We certainly are closer than any other member of this family.

Also, she gives me the house gossip. Fanny is on leave because she is mysteriously sick. Making sure she knows that I know she is watching my still flat tummy, she muttered, “Morning sickness, I tell you.”

“Gabby, I am most certainly not pregnant,” I had huffed out and she grinned widely. The thought of her brother touching me so intimately gave me the ick. Yet, when I lie next to him at night, it is him that occupies my X-rated mind.

It perplexes me so much that I vow to never do it again everyday... but at nighttime... I cannot help it.

“Not yet,” she had giggled, and I had made a gag motion which had her staring at me blankly at first and me understanding my blunder. Sometimes I get too relaxed with Gabby and fail to recall who she is. That she is not my actual friend but part of the enemy-clan.

“Heh-heh, morning sickness,” I saved myself with as I sort of did a bobblehead motion.

Our conversation ended there with her saying, “You are very weird My, I think I like that.”