Why Humans Make Bad Pets!

I’ve gained an orange friend II

Personal log,

My trip with Human has been significantly less inspiring than I originally expected, although that’s not to say it was uninteresting or devoid of disturbing discoveries. Apparently Human had been toning it down when he howl-wailed in the shower. I had thought myself used to Human’s unsettling cleaning ritual, but I was woefully unprepared for the audible onslaught the first night on the shuttle. The only remark the loud little biped made upon his exit was to say that the facilities had exceptional acoustics. Unfortunately, I must agree with his assessment.

Human also has a tendency to talk to himself, though only with his translator off, which is even more unsettling due to the harsh barking nature of his native tongue. I told his so, and his reply was to laugh and tell me I should be happy he wasn’t “German”, although he failed to explain what that was. That’s another point of contention between us, although I doubt he sees any such points as I do. I believe his entire outlook upon life is defined by his ability to overlook conflicts until they become too great for even him to ignore. Soon I may need to adopt a similar philosophy in order to maintain my sanity.

I digress, however, and return to the matter of his unwillingness to properly explain the many references he makes to his home world. The eccentric name of the shuttle aside, he has yet to explain “German”, “chocolate”, “Bachelor-pad living”, although I believe it to be a synonym for living in squalor, “Star Trek”, “Star Wars”, “d**k move”, or what my alternative name, “Bro”, means, as it is different from the bastardization which he has already shortened my given name to “Manny”.

From our brief and infrequent conversations I have discovered that, despite how he may sound, he’s not as unintelligent as one would first assume . . . quite. Interpersonally I can safely say he is an i***t, but during my explanation of several of the ship’s functions that are not featured in a military drop ship, and therefore outside his sphere or experience, he was quite attentive and understood my instructions and explanations with ease. He is capable of controlling the ship with the same level of proficiency as I, and were our ship to befall any misfortune I am certain I could count on him to be an asset rather than a burden.

Which is why I almost wish we had encountered some crisis during our travel, as he certainly is a burden to my sense of comfort when he is bored, which seems to be whenever he isn’t doing something absurd or completely mad. At random intervals he would turn off the gravity, after only giving me a moment’s warning, because he through “it felt cool,” although I’m certain he didn’t touch the temperature controls. He would proceed to roam about the ship, pushing himself off the walls, and seeing how quickly he could enter each of the ship’s room in turn, going so far as to ask the ship to time him.

On another instance he dropped the Phantom out of FTL next to a planet. We still had many nutrient spheres left, and try as I might I couldn’t come up with a reason for why we had stopped and were descending into its atmosphere. I eventually asked him, but received the answer that has conditioned me to assume asking questions is a pointless venture. “You’ll see.” That particular non-answer usually means that I will regret whatever it is that I am about to witness, and oddly enough his resulting actions often result in my closing my eyes so as to not see.

This particular incident was no different, except in this instance I was unable to avoid feeling what I closed my eyes against. After turning off the ship’s gravity field in favor of the planet’s, he introduced me to what he termed a “Barrel-roll”, which, as far as I can tell, is an overcomplicated, ritualistic, and terrifying form of torture on his planet. I can only guess as to the cruel depravity of the minds that conceived of such an act, or why Human would behave even further outside the bounds of sanity than usual so as to experience its horror. My only guess is that it was an act of defiance against its creators; a rebellion against its debauchery by willingly submitting oneself to it while pretending to enjoy it. That’s the only explanation of mine that can justify the insane cackle he released while performing, in my mind, a quite unnecessary number of these “Barrel-rolls”. He also failed to explain what relevance “Star Fox 64” had to do with his psychotic antics.

The above episode as well as several similar examples made the two week journey alarming to say the least. I am not ashamed of admitting I have never been more thankful to come to the end of a journey, even when that end was a station above a planet whose inhabitants were suffering a highly contagious plague. After all, it only afflicts their kind, so I was as safe as it is possible to be while being the travel companion of Human.