Why Humans Make Bad Pets!

I’m a military genius II

Dear Journal,

I’m a military genius.

I guess that just comes naturally with being a strategic genius.

Really, outer-space does a lot for a guy’s self-image.

I had never felt so terribly alive before. Riding my glorious metal steed, I raised my lava scimitars above my head, shouting in pure exhilaration. That was about all I was doing. Really, my squadmates were doing all the work. First time for everything I guess. If only they wouldn’t shoot from so far away. “Drive me closer, I want to hit them with my swords!” They didn’t oblige. I poked my head through a window which no longer contained glass, preparing an inappropriate and exasperating quip to throw at Manthlel, upon whose hover-hummer I was riding. That’s when I noticed his expression. His face held the unmistakable expression of one who could not believe what he was doing.

Judging by his driving, I couldn’t believe he had managed to keep us out a nasty wreck so far either, but that didn’t explain why Cresh in the next vehicle over had the same shocked look on his face. That guy handled his hover-hummer like a pro, yet he still looked like he’d just let out an involuntary laugh during the scene where old yeller dies. In fact, now that I was looking for it, every single one of my squad looked disturbed by their actions. Maybe they were just surprised they were still alive. Frankly, I was. I hadn’t thought our little tactic of hijacking enemy hover-hummers would have been so effective, but it was like we were invisible to the enemy.

Every time we approached an opposing squadron I was sure someone would notice our odd behavior and open fire, but each time we would manage to get into firing range, destroying them before they even had a chance to retaliate. Our unnaturally good luck couldn’t last us through the entire battle, could it?

Yeah, I actually let my mind conceive such a traitorous thought. I need to see those before they happen and nip them in the bud, because one of these days I’m going to think myself to death. Right on cue, as though it had sensed a being who dared conceive a hopeful thought, a dragon pierced through the veil that had been protecting us thus far. I don’t know what was up with the dragons in this battle, but they were full out flying through the air.

Through my other encounters with these overgrown lizards I’d eventually realized that their wings were more or less just for show than actual use. Sure, they provided another appendage with which to attack me, and made coming at them from the side a downright pain, but the most flying I had ever seen them use their wings for was a short gliding extension to their jumps. Their wings were about as affective as a “flying” squirrel’s.

Not these dragons, though. Apparently they had found the same source of leprechaun farts and pixie tears that planes used, because they were taking to sky with great sweeps of their wings. Well, now that I looked at them they seemed to be working pretty hard to stay up for long, but they were up none the less. One of the devils had noticed our little convoy from above. Folding its wings, the drake rolled into a dive. With the low gravity of this planet, its rate of decent seemed slowed enough to appear comical, but it would still have enough momentum to be deadly when it reached us. Just to sweeten the deal, it was heading straight for my hover-hummer.

As it approached I found myself, rather than frightened, excited.

+*Finally some action!*+

Wait, had I really just thought that? Where had that come from? I’ve got a f*****g dragon barreling down on me and I’m excited? Am I insane‽ The dragon was fast approaching, so I stowed this newest development for later. How was I going to deal with this thing coming down on me? My mind, demonstrating more of my newfound madness, presented me with a course of action straight out of Die Hard. Well, close enough. “You’ve got to be kidding,” I groaned, but I couldn’t think of any other way. Let’s just say I’m not a clever man. I waited a single moment more, allowing the beast to close within a mere twenty meters of our craft. Then I jumped.

Blatvec knew he shouldn’t enjoy something as grisly as war, but he couldn’t help himself, he was actually having fun. Careening about the battle field in his recently acquired tank, he and a sizable group of other stolen vehicles were, for the first time that day, making headway against the seemingly endless tide of enemies. Perhaps that small convoy of rovers had been able to hide underneath their assumed colors undetected, but a group as large as the one which followed Blatvec, which was still growing as more vehicles changed hands, hadn’t been able to run rampant for long before they had started being noticed.

Blatvec could feel the rage of the Celzi as they realized the treachery the Dominion had committed in the name of victory. Blatvec had come up with a new moto, however, which perfectly characterized his feelings since bucking the old ways: “All is fair in war.” Maybe he’d become famous for it. He had to admit, as brilliant as the plan had been, he didn’t think any other division would have been able to pull it off. Nowhere else would you find a group with so many soldiers able to fight against vehicles and win, albeit with difficulty. You probably wouldn’t have found so many infantrymen who knew how to drive the vehicles either.

This was the 74th, though, and now that they had a fighting chance, they were demonstrating why they were the only division left from the original Dominion army. Turing to Gicerpt, who was manning the main cannon, Blatvec shouted over the tumultuous roar inside the tank. “How are our little upstarts doing?”

“Still up and kicking,” the heavy replied with a grin. “They’re going to have to turn back to us soon though. The Celzi will eventually get everyone on the same page and then they won’t have their surprise factor anymore, which is the only reason they’ve made it so far. They’re a little ways away, though. I don’t know if they’ll be able - s**t,” Blatvec’s heart sank at the defeated tone of Gicerpt’s explicative. It was a tone he’d heard far too often today. The tone of one who is about to see another die and knows there’s nothing they can do to stop it. Gicerpt continued, “A Vulza just spotted them and is diving to interce-s**t!”

That wasn’t a tone he’d been expecting. Blatvec took his eyes off the road ahead and looked in the general direction of where he had last seen the inspiration for the current operating orders. He was just in time to see the little creature that had been standing on top of one of the rovers jump off of the corpse of a Vulza, which seemed to have died mid-flight, and hit the ground with a roll, leaving the dragon to slam into the ground behind it. The small creature didn’t even look impressed with its handiwork, neglecting to even glance at the downed monster it had just slain in an impossible manner.