Never an Ever After

Utter darkness

SONG FOR THIS CHAPTER

8 LETTERS-WHY DON’T WE

CHAPTER FOURTY-FIVE

ELLORA

I thought James and I would continue our first ever date this weekend, but he had to cancel because they had an important annual party that his family had to attend in California.

I can’t say that I am not disappointed, because I am. But I think great things take time, Right?

And I’m also grateful beyond words that Ronan decides to ignore me again after what we did in his Mother’s studio.

I won’t try to be a hypocrite or deny to myself that I didn’t like what we did. Because I do.

But I will try my best to reason myself out on why I let him do things to me even if I don’t feel anything about him, but utterly bitterness and anger.

I told Demi what happened. Because I don’t have anyone to ask or tell about such a thing. Demi, unlike me, has an experience. She lost her virginity to Cloud a few years ago when they start dating.

Demi told me that it is normal for a hormonal teenager to feel such things as arousal or lust over someone like Ronan Hawthorne. Because she said in her own words “Who wouldn’t? Ronan is like a God in here, the very perfect epitome of a Bad boy came into life.” But the thing that she didn’t know, is that Ronan Hawthorne is the least of a Bad boy. He’s the Devil in disguise, the monster lurking from the dark and your worst nightmare.

But somehow, In her explanation, I felt at ease. That there is nothing wrong with me if I felt that way towards him. That it was just a normal human being's reaction towards someone like him.

But I thought again. Demi did not know and did not witness the things that Ronan did. So, for her, it is normal. But for me, for someone like me who already knows Ronan’s capacity and ruthlessness as a person, it feels like I am as twisted as him. Having to be attracted to him despite all the ugliness she showed me.

I feel there’s utter darkness inside me that’s been waiting for me to set her free the day I let him touch me.

But every night, when I am alone inside my room all I can ever think about is his big calloused hands holding me and carrying me effortlessly like I am just a weightless bag he needs to carry around. His lustful eyes staring back at me. and his dark and low guttural growls that shakes me inside, and I will feel once again what I felt that day.

I can’t think of anything when I think about that, and all I can say inside my mind is what did he do to me?

But the euphoric and oblivion he brought me that day, I still want to feel it.

As if I was an addict to that feeling.

I can’t even look at him or breathe the same air as him without having to think all those things back in my mind.

The spine-tingling, the toe-curling, and every hair on my skin prickles when he’s near.

But I am glad, he ignored me the whole week though.

The last thing I want is for him to notice that he has an effect on me. and used it again against me.

For the past few days, Demi keep bragging me not to go on a prom with James, telling me that she didn’t feel right about James inviting me.

Of course, I always say that I will be fine. And I know James for all my life since I can’t remember when. So, I trust that he won’t do or will try to do something for me.

No one will ever change my perspective and my goal with James.

For years, I’ve been waiting for him to actually see me, I will not let anyone get in the way of us. If there is a chance for us, Of course.

“Do you think James will like this dress?” I asked Demi that’s been with me, shopping for our prom dress this weekend.

I wore a black heart-shaped bodycon dress, with a slit high on my right leg and it’s very glittery. I like this when I saw it, looks like I am shining. I am not into the attention of everyone at the prom though, when I look at this all I can think about is James will like this when he sees me wearing this?

Demi cringed her nose “It is very good on you. But I don’t like that it is too revealing though.”

“Why? What happened to my friend that is often forcing me to show some skin on the clothes I wear?” I chuckle.

She sighed “Sorry.” She scratches her forehead awkwardly and smiled at me sweetly “The dress looks fantastic on you, it is perfect. But I just don’t want James to have the impression that you are doing this for him to f**k you.”

I smiled at her worriedness “I told you, I’ll be fine.”

“I trust you, it’s just him that I don’t trust.”

“Why?”

“Given that he already has the reputation of being manwhore.” She sighed “Oh god, I don’t know how to explain this.”

“Go on. I’m listening.” I pressed, smiling.

“His intention doesn’t look that pure.” She looks at me sadly “I don’t want to break this to you because I know you’ve been waiting for this. But that’s just the way I feel against him.”

I hugged her “It’s fine. I understand that you’re just worried about me. and I love you for that.” I kissed her forehead soothingly “But I’ll be fine, trust me.”

She took a deep breath “I guess I can’t change your mind?”

I shake my head “Nope.”

She nods "Maybe I'll just watch you at the prom too tightly. James will never touch you." She said with a shudder.

I pout childishly “Even on the dance?”

“Okay, just the dance.”

We both laughed and pay for the dress we just fit.

Can’t wait till the prom night.