Change

20

I showed up at the clinic bright and early on Friday. I found the small parking lot in the rear with no trouble and after parking my car, I realized I didn’t have a key to the back door so I went through the gate to the front entrance of the small office. Alexis and Caden were already there, waiting. We had our usual visit over coffee and soon settled into separate activities. 

I tried to read, but I was restless and couldn’t focus. Instead, I started looking for things to do to keep me busy. I wandered through the clinic, looking for something to clean or put away but found nothing.  

At noon, I offered to go pick up lunch, anything to get out of there for a few minutes. I didn’t know why, but I was antsy and anxious. Something was wrong and Alexis and Caden could see it, but I didn’t know what was causing it. They sat on the sofa in the front room, watching me pace back and forth. 

“What’s up Nickie?” Alexis asked after Caden went into the break room to get away from what he called my ‘unsettling behavior.’ 

“I’m not sure. I need to move. Honestly, it’s starting to get on my nerves even.”

“You’ve paced this place until I’m dizzy.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s up today.”

“How are things going at home?” she asked. 

“No problems. I live alone, there’s no one to worry about odd behavior like this. I’ve learned to handle glass again, so I’ve gone back to work. That seems to be going fine too.”

“How about with your family? From what Bill’s said, you’re close to them.”

“Nothing to tell there, everyone’s fine.”

“How much do they know about what you’re going through?”

“Nothing, Bill gave me permission to tell my parents, but I haven’t decided if I want to yet. I’ve kept my mouth shut.”

“Why do you think you might not want to tell them?” She watched me pace back and forth, waiting for my answer. 

“I don’t know. How will they take me not being who they thought I was? That I’m a Kitsune? Will they freak out when they learn what being a Kitsune means?” I rambled as I tried to put my worries into words.

“Let’s look at this objectively for a minute. I don’t know your family, but Bill’s told me a little about them. Take a minute and look at your family, pretend you’re not a part of it, like you’re on the outside looking in. You have a couple who adopted four children in addition to the two they already had. When adopting, they didn’t choose only children like them, they took in the ones they fell in love with.” I nodded, following her so far. 

“Do you think your parents will care if you’re a little more different then they knew? Your whole family is out of the norm. Are you afraid they’ll turn their backs on you once they learn you turn furry?” I sat on the other end of the sofa and looked at her for a moment. 

“I don’t know. They’ve always supported us in whatever we chose, within reason. They’ve counseled us not to do drugs or break the law, that kind of thing. Outside of that, we’ve been taught we can do whatever we want. But this is big; huge. How will they handle this? I mean, I can barely handle it and it’s happening to me. What will I do if it’s too much for them, if they can’t handle it?”

“I’m not sure what to tell you. Obviously, Bill believes they can, or he wouldn’t have given you the option to tell them. More than that, I’m reasonably certain he feels they’ll react well, and they’ll be there to support you, or he wouldn’t risk it.”

“I know, still...”

“I have a feeling this is a big part of your restlessness. You’re stressing and this is how it’s manifesting, by turning it into nervous energy.”

“Only a part?” I asked. “What else could it be?”

She was quiet a moment before speaking again. “What do you do when you’re not at work, or here, or with your family?”

“I used to go out with my girlfriends, shopping or dancing, or I hang around with Brandon and the guys, sometimes we play sports, sometimes we hike... I haven’t been doing much of either lately.”

“What have you been doing?”

“The girls and I don’t have a lot to talk about anymore; I want to talk about what’s going on with me and I can’t. They talk about dating and clubbing. Because of my hearing, I can’t go clubbing anymore and I’m taking a break from dating.”

“Understandable, but that’s what you’re not doing, not what you are.”

“I’ve talked to Brandon some, but there’s something different about him and I’m not sure why.”

Alexis didn’t say anything just sat waiting for me to answer her.

“I swim and after I left last week, I ran into an old friend moving into my apartment complex. I caught his scent and thought he was a pack member and mentioned the Kindred to him. I’ve since discovered that he isn’t a shifter, but he knows all about us because the rest of his family are.”

“You mean Devon.”

“How did you know?” I was puzzled.

“I may not have been Harmonia then, but I was in the pack. I remember him. Plus, he’s the only non-shifter we have. He is pack, just not a shifter.”

“I know. Anyway, I knew him before he left, though not all that well. He was part of my sister’s crowd. When I ran into him we started visiting, and we’ve started spending time together. I took him to our family dinner to get reacquainted and now he’s working for my dad. He’s helping around the farm, which means he keeps a similar schedule to mine, up and out early. We tend to run into each other in the evenings after work.”

“The two of you are spending more than a little time together, I take it?”

“You could say that. It’s not every day, but we’ve run into each other two or three times during the last week,” I paused for a moment, unsure. I decided I needed someone to share it with. I felt like I could trust Alexis not to repeat things. “I think he’s spent years feeling like an outsider in his family. Because of what’s happened, I’m starting to understand some of that, being the only one different. I don’t have to worry about keeping the secret from him, or letting something slip. 

“I know in a lot of ways Brandon doesn’t know where I’m coming from. I mean, sure he’s Kindred, but he’s always known. He’s always expected it, he’s like the rest of his family and what they expected from him. Devon grew up expecting to be a shifter, and then he couldn’t. Suddenly he was different.”

“I see what you’re saying. You have more in common with Devon than anyone else, even your family.”

“Pretty much. I don’t have to hide what I’m learning from him, like I do everyone else. There are few, if any, Kindred who know what it’s like to discover what you are as an adult. I’m still adjusting and it’ll take time. I’m not great with the in-between.” I laughed at myself.

“Quick question?”

“Yeah?” 

“Do you feel better having talked it through?”

I thought about it for a second. I wasn’t quite as restless. “I do. Not worlds different but less stressed. Thanks.” 

“No problem. It’s what I’m here for, and I like you. I want to help you. Feel free to use me as a sounding board any time.” Alexis laid her hand against my arm. “It’s my guess you feel guilty about drifting away from old friends and spending time with Devon, like you’re betraying your friends. I suspect you feel guilty you haven’t told your parents yet, despite your anxiety.”

“You’re probably right, on both counts.”

She chuckled softly. “You need to keep in mind it’s okay to make new friends and let friendships fade. It’s a natural cycle and sometimes you have to go the extra mile to keep friendships that are important to you.”

“I guess.” I looked at my hands, folded together in my lap.

“You should also reconsider telling your parents soon. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be. They will have a harder time understanding why you took so long to tell them. Do you think never telling them is really an option? Could you go the rest of your life keeping this secret?” she asked gently.

“No, I guess not. It would really hurt their feelings if they found out from someone else, then learned that I could have told them. I’ll get a hold of Bill and see when we can arrange it.”

I needed to move again, to let Alexis’ words sink in. I stood and went into the kitchen for something to drink. I leaned back against the counter top, slowly drinking the water I’d poured myself as I noticed Caden sitting at the table in the middle of the room. He was holding his PCD up on the table in front of him, and I watched him lay it down from where he had obviously been reading. He looked up and watched me as I stood there. 

“What’re you reading?” I asked.

“An old sci-fi novel.” 

“Is it a good one?” 

“I’m enjoying it. It’s part of a long series that I’m only about half way through.”

“I read some sci-fi, do you mind if I ask what it is?”

“It’s called The Chronicles of Pern, but it’s more than thirty years old, you’ve probably never heard of it.”

“By Anne McCaffrey,” I grinned.

“You’ve read them?”

“A couple, I like some of her other series. I just haven’t gotten into Pern as much.”

“I’m enjoying them, they’re different, entertaining and easy to read.”

“Most of her stuff is.”

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I talked with Alexis and it’s helped. I’m still restless but not as bad.”

“I know it’s nosy, but when’d you shift last?”

I had to think a minute. “Over two weeks ago. Why?”

“I’ve seen Kindred get restless when they haven’t shifted in a while. Generally, it’s a lot longer than two weeks, but I would suggest you shift, find someone to go for a run with. Maybe it will help, it can’t hurt,” he shrugged.

“I’ll do that. If nothing else it’ll be exercise, maybe relieve some stress. Thanks,” I said. 

He picked up his coffee cup and raised it in my direction before he went back to reading.