Born Without A Mother

Chapter 2 - Things Just Got Real

Living in this new house, Gracey grew up slowly, and she felt somehow like life was standing still. Her stepbrother was the best, he could never do anything wrong and was just the best thing since sliced cheese. Mom made sure to remind Gracey of where she fit into this new world and Gracey had no way of letting Dad know just how sore her heart was, how lonely she felt, and how badly she didn’t want to be in this new world. This world that she had no choice in choosing and where she was made to feel like the tiniest ant, and everybody stepped all over her with no regard for her feelings, for her hurt. Mom could not even hold her after ripping little Gracey’s world apart, not even an “I love you” was uttered from her mother’s mouth, but Gracey couldn’t even remember the last time or the first time she ever heard these words from Mom. What Gracey can remember is Dad tucking her in at night, saying.

“I love you, my girl. Good night, don’t let the bed bugs bite, and if they do, bite them back.”

Again, Gracey’s mind races down memory lane as she lays in her bed staring through the curtain at the outside light burning through the window, and she reminisces about the nights she and Dad used to stare at the stars, Daddy allowing his little Gracey to make the wildest wishes and appreciating that above this whole big world there was life in a different form. A life that no human on earth would ever understand. She remembers just how loved Daddy made her feel and realizes just how important she was or possibly still is to Daddy, even though she doesn’t get to see much of him anymore, she knows in her little heart he misses her too, maybe even cries for her. And then she giggled at this thought because Daddy always used to say.

“Big boys don’t cry.”

But she was pretty sure this time around her “Big Boy” was possibly crying for her, and she started weeping, quietly, so as not to disturb anyone or possibly get into trouble.

A new day has dawned, and it’s the usual routine: breakfast, teeth, hair, school, and here we go again. Mom has started staying out late at night, coming home in the early hours of the morning with different men, and doing some strange things whilst we are supposed to be sleeping, but again, this is not Gracey’s world, and therefore she has no say in anything. Gracey’s stepbrother has made a new friend at this new house. A big kid, not normal like us, speaks slowly and walks strangely. He looks a little bit dirty is what goes through Gracey’s mind when her stepbrother allows him in through the pedestrian gate. Sitting on the step of the patio, Gracey watches as this almost grown friend of her stepbrother joins him whilst he's playing in the sand with his little cars, and she wonders how come he is so different from them. For a few months, this strange friend comes and goes, until the day he starts speaking to Gracey, and as the days pass, he starts sitting with Gracey more than playing in the sand with her stepbrother.

Gracey thinks nothing of it and remembers her manners, taught to be nice to everyone and treat others as she would want to be treated. Then one day, this strange friend touches Gracey in a place that she knew no one was allowed to touch, but she’s scared and doesn’t exactly know how to handle this situation. Her heart is pounding, and she pushes his hand away quietly and runs inside to stay with the nanny in the kitchen. She is scared and not sure if she should tell Mom or the nanny, but remembers that this friend told her that tomorrow when he comes to visit again, he will bring her a little something. If she tells, they will both get into trouble, and,

“I’m sure you wouldn’t want us to get into trouble, right?”

Gracey is so scared she runs to her bedroom and lies on her bed, feeling strange and unsure about all of this. She is scared to go to bed later tonight because that means tomorrow will come faster, and then she will have to see the strange friend. Gracey realizes she doesn’t even know this friend's name, but she knows he lives close by. A few weeks later, no matter how hard Gracey tried to hide or stay away from the friend, he always somehow found a way to get close to her and do strange things, things that started to make Gracey feel dirty and scared, but Gracey knew she didn’t want to get into trouble. Mom sure could be mean at times and Gracey always tried her best to stay to one side and not get shouted at. Days, weeks, and months came and went, and the strange friend just kept arriving, always acting like he was playing with her stepbrother until the day he walked into the house holding Gracey by the hand and led her to the bedroom. Gracey can feel her heart almost hurting inside her chest, she is trembling, and she cannot think for one second about what is waiting for her today. Gracey is almost crying but still too scared to scream out. They enter the bedroom, Gracey and the strange friend, and he comes down to her level, standing on his knees… Gracey can smell his stinky breath, and she steps back, but the door is closed, he pushes the chest of drawers behind it, grabs hold of her hand, and pulls her closer again. She is shaking and he says,

“Don’t worry Gracey, I won’t hurt you, I love you.”

“Do you love me too?”

Gracey just stands there and, quietly in her brain, starts asking God to please help her. Just as the friend gets to unbuttoning the last button on her dress, with one hand gliding up her little leg, the nanny bursts into the bedroom and all Gracey can do is scream into loud cries and run to the nanny. Terrified now, she realizes that this is it, she is going to get the biggest hiding ever because the friend said if she told anybody they would both be in trouble. But as the nanny walks the friend out, Gracey, with tears rolling down her face, promises that she never said anything, and the friend just glimpses back at her before he exits the house. The nanny turns to Gracey, and she asks.

“What happened? Where did he touch you? What did he do to you?” “You have to tell me so that I can explain to your mother because he is not a good person, and he must not come back here!”

Gracey cries louder and pleads with the nanny because she knows she will also get into trouble.

“He said so! He said we were both going to get into trouble! Please, please Anna, don’t tell Mom?”

Anna now consoling Gracey whilst with the other hand, stirring up a glass of sugar water and shoving it down Gracey’s throat. Gracey is not sure whether the hug from Anna is an angry hug or a sorry hug, but what Gracey does know is there is probably a world of chaos waiting for her the minute mom gets home, and she runs to her bedroom. As she enters the room, she sees the picture in her head she had just been taken from, and she turns to run outside. Gracey is confused, she is scared, she feels dirty, and she can still smell his stinky breath. Gracey could feel his rough dirty hand on her leg, but she was scared. She realizes the crying is making her tired, but she can’t sleep because she doesn’t want to be inside this house, she doesn’t want to be outside in the garden, she doesn’t want to even hear her stepbrother's voice, all Gracey can think of is that she wants to go home. She wants to see Daddy, she won’t even tell him, she just wants to go back to where she knows she is safe. Gracey disappears into the garage and hides in a cupboard. A while later, she is not sure how long she’s been in this cupboard, but Mom wakes her up with the words,

“What are you doing in here? Get into the house!”

Gracey knows this is it, things just got real. Once in the house, Anna has already drawn a bath and Gracey can smell the bubbles and almost feel the mist on her skin.

“Yes! Urgh, I can’t wait to get into that bath tonight.”

That is what’s going through her mind. But mom has other ideas. Of course, in the uneasy quietness, her stepbrother gets to go and relax in the bath, whilst Gracey is whisked into the kitchen and Anna is standing there looking scared. As mom enters, Anna apologizes, saying,

“Sorry mam, I am so sorry, I had no idea this was happening.”

And proceeds to explain to Mom what the day had offered. Gracey is standing next to the fridge, half asleep, a little bit cold and hungry, but mom is going at it and shouts for her little blue-eyed boy, asking where this friend lives. In the chaos, Mom has already managed to phone her friend and as she walks into the house, Mom grabs hold of Gracey and pops her in the back of the car, racing down the road just to arrive at this house on the corner of the road. Mom asks Gracey,

“Is that him?”

To which she nods quietly and then apologizes to Mom. Mom disappears into this house and Gracey is left to wait with Mom’s friend. Sitting in the back of the car looking at Mom’s friend, wondering where she even came from, and how she even knew Mom. It’s not long and Mom gets back in the car and says,

“There that should do it. You don’t have to worry about him anymore, his dad is going to give him a hiding now, and he is not allowed back at our house.”

The car starts up, and they drive back home, Mom and her friend chatting away at what they will wear tonight. Night has fallen, the rain is pounding on the roof, and eventually, it’s Gracey’s turn to take a bath and a bite to eat. Goodness knows she needs both, and then she needs her bed. Mom and her friend are drinking their adult drinks and Mom doesn’t have much time to tuck Gracey in. Her stepbrother is fast asleep already, and she lays there wondering how all this even started.

“How did I get here? Why did he do those things to me?”

Daddy jumps into Gracey’s thoughts, and she hears his voice telling her that he loves her. Exhausted from the day's adventures or more like Gracey’s nightmare, she eventually falls asleep.

Mom came home again with another man. A policeman, and his tall and Gracey wonders who all these friends are and how lucky mom is to have so many friends now that Daddy is not with them anymore. It’s school again, and Mom drops Gracey and her stepbrother off at school and leaves them with news that they all might be moving to a new home.

“Exciting, isn’t it?” Mom smirks.

All Gracey can think of is her dad. Will this new house need a new school and is it further away from Dad? Will there be another friend like her stepbrother had a few days ago, and will this friend also love her the same? Gracey is not sure what to make of this news, but she is at school now and recalls her mom telling her not to talk about the friend and the things that happened at home with any of the teachers or other kids. Gracey sits at break time with her lunch box, not sure if she feels like eating, but alone wonders why Mom has so many friends and why there is only one lady friend. She finds herself feeling dirty again and remembers what her stepbrother's friend did to her, and again, all Gracey wants to do is go home to Daddy, to all her animals, and just to be in her safe place.

Her mind wanders to that one field on the farm that she always used to go to with her sister...purple flowers all over, big Willow trees swaying in the wind, the leaves almost whistling at her as she sits there and remembers all the laughs under the sun. Is this what her life has come to? Living in a box, wondering when someone will turn the key so that Gracey can pop out and be happy again. Is this how tigers and lions feel in the Zoo? Gracey realizes how sad their lives must be and then hears the bell ring, and a faint voice getting louder.

“Gracey! Gracey girl, come on, it's time for class lovie, just a few more minutes till we all get to go home.”

And her teacher is smiling down at her. Such a warm smile, a smile that makes Gracey wonder if she asked her teacher to take her home, home to Daddy. Would her teacher tell on her, and would she get into trouble, or would her teacher feel sorry for her and just whisk her away from this strange place she's been forced to live in?

"Urgh, it probably will only get me into trouble, she reminds herself."

Not a minute to spare and the end of the day bell has rung. “Home time!” she hears the kids around her yell and as she's packing her bag, she can't be more unimpressed with the idea of where she is headed. This feeling makes Gracey remember the one time she went with Daddy to the auction house to buy more cattle. The one place she felt a lot of sadness was the side where a lot of old and sickly cows and bulls used to wait in the sun, and she recalls Dad telling her that,

"Those, my girly, are the ones that get fed to the lions and the tigers in the Zoo when they eventually die because the doctors can't help them anymore and the medicine they get is not working for them."

This is Gracey's feeling as she slowly walks out of her classroom. And there it is... the mother who doesn't love her waiting outside the school gate.