Born Without A Mother

Chapter 3 -Life'sPurpose

"Are you kidding me? Is this for real?"

Gracey cannot contain her excitement as she gets out of the car at the new house, already noticing the horse farm across the road. She runs to the fence taking deep breaths and remembering the home she left behind so many years ago. In her eyes, she sees Daddy standing in the lunging ring, and she tries for one second to hear his voice calling out at Fury with instructions as if he is a horse and, he knows better than Fury how to trot. The smell of horses almost suffocates her little brain, and she gets a slight giggle but then bursts into tears, and she just stands there staring at the life she once lived. Gracey feels the happiness and the sadness crunch down on her heart. Her sister, her brother, and all the workers on the farm she loved so much.

All just left like that, like they never meant anything - maybe to Mom it meant nothing, but Gracey felt the emptiness and all she could do was hope and pray that the farm and its people and animals on it would know in their hearts that it wasn't her fault. Muna... Ahh, Muna, how can Gracey forget him? He was the farm manager, and he went everywhere Dad went. They were like brothers, she remembers. Muna taught Gracey quite a bit about farm life when Dad was not around. Gracey remembers a day when she ran away from mom because she didn't want to get that hiding and ran down the gravel road to hide in Muna's hut, until he found her and, softly whispered to Gracey in a real Dad voice almost as if her own Dad was talking to her.

"Gracey, you cannot run away, you know, she will be madder when she finds you, and you cannot hide in my hut as this will bring trouble for me and my wife. I must take you back home, but I will walk with you and, I will wait outside for you. If she lets you out of the house, then we can go and feed the cattle down in the paddocks. You can take your duck with you. Come child, we must go now. I am sorry."

"Gracey! Come over here and get your things unpacked from the trailer," her mother screams.

Once inside her new bedroom, Gracey falls onto the new bed the policeman bought her, and she just lays there pondering this new journey Mom has discovered for all of them. Always her way and how she wants things. Gracey's stepbrother is in the room next door sharing with the policeman's son. ‘Urgh’, another someone new Gracey must get used to. But it didn't matter to Gracey anymore, because she had become a lone wolf, cast out from its pack since mom stole her away from everything she knew, alone, always doing things by herself and, somehow, she was okay with that, goodness knows, her mother didn't care in the slightest which always left Gracey wondering why she even had her. She always made out that Gracey was just a hindrance in her life anyway. The policeman seemed nice as time went by and Gracey slowly got to know the man. This did not stop Gracey from being weary of her surroundings and, always being on guard with all her mom’s male friends around since her first memory without Dad, was her stepbrother’s friend who "loved" her so much. Without warning, the heavens open and rain starts pounding down outside.

“Aahh, one amazing sound,” she thinks and cuddles her bear to have a nap.

For the first time, Gracey wakes up wondering how long she had slept, as this was a luxury to her, knowing her job was to keep everything in and around the house tidy. It was the only way she felt Mom showed some kind of appreciation – which never lasted long. Gracey jumps out of bed and slowly wanders down the passage into the kitchen just to find the “new happy” family watching television. As if it were an entrance ticket, she asks her mother and the policeman whether they would like some coffee. Gracey is only eight but has mastered the art of making coffee and cleaning – this was her way of feeling like she belonged in her mother’s life. The Cinderella Life, if you could call it that. As she walked to the lounge her mind was rushing to all different parts of her world and wondering how long this chapter would last, she could only think what would become of her life and realized already at this young age that Nancy would have a major impact on her life’s decisions. Their eyes met and Gracey wondered if that stare was a good one or a bad one. All she could do was smile at her mother as she set the coffee down on the side table. Walking away, Gracey gets a half-hearted “Thanks” in the background but shrugs it off and decides, with the rain that stopped, there’s some exploring for her to do. After all, the last thing she feels like doing right now is sitting in the lounge acting as if life is hunky-dory, and she sprints to her room to get dressed for the wet, cold outdoors. Wellies and a jacket should do it because Gracey knows exactly where she is headed and that is across the road to meet the horse people… the horses and to feel like she is home.

On her way out, the policeman asks her to be careful and not to stray too far from home, but Gracey is not bothered in the slightest, skipping across the garden like a five-year-old on her way to open Christmas gifts. She can smell the horses and thank goodness for Gracey, she notices a lady in the stables and asks if she may enter.

“Good afternoon young lady, and who might you be?”

“My name is Gracey, and I love horses. I know how to ride, you know?”

Gracey is so nervous that the lady starts laughing and nods in agreement,

“I’m sure you do. My name is *Linda and here, I am the boss. Where do you live and do your parents know where you are?”

Before Gracey responds, she reminds herself of her manners and starts conversing with Linda about where she comes from, who she is, who she wants to be, and to be honest where she would prefer to be. It seems Linda might have taken a liking to Gracey and offered her an afternoon job, permitted her parents agree. She is not inclined to ask their permission and already in her mind it’s a done deal, Gracey will spend her afternoons mucking stalls, watering, and feeding the horses. As she realizes the time, she greets Linda, thanks her for the opportunity, and makes her way home, thinking to herself, “Wow Gracey! Look at you… already got your little job.”

“No one needs to know about this,” she thinks as she walks into the house and greets everyone.

“Is this the time to get back home? Get yourself cleaned up and set the table!” Nancy scuffs her way.

Gracey is not bothered at all about the ‘warm’ welcome she just got – it’s nothing new. All she could think of was getting her schedule arranged in such a way that she made sure her chores and homework were done before she left for the horse farm and to make double sure that she was home before the higher archie got home. She felt proud and thought to herself, “If only Daddy could see me now,” she smiled to herself while setting the table for dinner.

“This was a good day…this was a good day indeed!” she smiled.

Time for bed when Gracey realizes tomorrow is the start of a new day at a new school and as quickly as her conflicting feelings rise, her new job dampens the thought of that in the blink of an eye, and her whole inside is smiling, she feels invincible and can’t get to falling asleep. Hours, days, and weeks passed, and everything seemed to be falling into place for Gracey. She’s taught herself to miss Daddy and everyone back home in her own time, when she’s mucking out stalls or loving the horses, at night when she’s alone in her room. Nancy sure has forgotten about them, after all, she has a new life now, a new man, a new house, new everything.

And just like that, everything that Gracey thought was falling into place, Nancy throws a spark in the fire and turns her world upside down one more time. All Gracey can think is just how fed up she is and wondering why, if there is a God in Heaven, would He allow little kids to be tainted by the decisions the adults make. The announcement is thrown out at the dinner table like we kids don’t even exist.

“Dad and I are getting married,” Nancy smirks.

She cannot get the sigh out loud enough and jumps up from the dinner table, running down the passage to her room. All she can think is how incredibly selfish Nancy is and another reminder of how nothing in this life happens unless it makes Nancy happy. Gracey wonders one more time why she was born to have *Nancy as a mother. But she realizes in the end that no matter how much she dislikes this man in her mother’s life, it’s done, and no matter how hard Gracey wished, this was the final blow, and she realized that Nancy is not going back to Daddy. The hype of wedding plans and bliss stirs up a whole new adventure for everyone. Gracey has grown overnight from the ugly duckling to the beautiful swan and must be a part of a fairy tale spun together with webs of lies, fake loves, and bitter animosities among friends and family who don’t even know each other. As the calendar counts down to the hour of the day when Nancy and the policeman tie the knot, Gracey finds herself in a little predicament as Nancy reminds her that she is the only one not referring to the policeman as ‘dad’. As it is her right, Gracey agrees in her head that it is true and wonders to herself at the same time why she is even being forced to refer to this strange man as ‘dad’. After all, in case, Nancy forgot he was not her father.

The wedding planning is still in full force and Gracey is the flower girl. Nancy decides that she will make her dress and a dress for Gracey. The decision is made that Gracey will spend the night before the wedding at Nancy’s friend's house as she will do Gracey’s hair and dress her, but Gracey feels uncomfortable with this idea – yet has no say in the matter, once again. Night has fallen and for some reason, Gracey wakes in the middle of the night unsure of how she even got to bed. She can’t remember much, and as she starts coming to, she realizes the bedroom light is burning, the number on the clock reads 03:27 AM. Gracey can feel a burning sensation, like her lower body is angry with her and all that goes through her mind is where the fat old husband is and how much of this burn, she feels has to do with him. She never trusted him much. Her brain tries to put the pieces together. 1. She can’t remember going to bed, 2. The bedroom light was burning 3. She feels pain, and everything is just too confusing, nothing is making sense.

The next thought that crosses her mind reaches out to the days when she had to deal with her stepbrother’s friend…

“Could this be the same situation? And if so, why can’t she remember feeling anything? How did he manage to do anything to her? What did he give her to make her sleep so dead? What did he do to her?”

Gracey feels tears rolling down her cheek. In an instant, the husband's voice behind her sends chills down her spine and Gracey cannot even turn to face him when the wife follows suit and tells her to get ready. As if Gracey must ask the man to leave the room, he just stands there staring at little Gracey. She feels disgusted, but guilty, unsure whether her mind is playing tricks on her.

“Who does she tell? Will anyone even believe her?” She can’t tell anyone, maybe it’s just her mind being fearful, but why is she in so much pain then?”

What the heck happened to Gracey while she was sleeping in these people’s home? It is at this moment that Gracey asks if she can take a shower before dressing when the fat, dirty husband agrees to bring her a towel. Gracey feels the anger stir inside her, and all she wants to do is get out of the house she is trapped in. She knows she can’t tell Nancy because these are her best friends…mom will never believe her. Gracey managed to grab a towel and lock the bathroom door and all she felt like doing was scrubbing her skin right off her bones. Once again, she feels dirty, she feels ashamed, yet still can’t stop wondering if her brain is playing tricks on her. She must dress up and act all pretty for this façade about to happen today.

The wedding colors are gold and silver, but the dress Gracey must wear looks more like yellow, full of frills and puffed-up shoulders like she’s moving to a refugee camp…hair curled and sprayed so stiff the biggest tornado won’t be able to demolish this hairstyle. Bobby socks and pumps – more frills and Gracey feels like a porcelain doll just ready to be shoved onto a shelf between Granny Betty’s old yet immaculate porcelain plates that are hanging around collecting dust. All she can think of is how uninterested she is and how she would much rather be in her dirty jeans and wellies mucking out horse stables, but she knows for today her only job is to be that little puppet she knows all too well.

Is this Gracey’s life purpose – to be a puppet on a string for anybody and everybody to fool around with when and how they choose?