SAVING DOWNTOWN ABBEY, by Hal Charles
700 Words
SAVING DOWNTOWN ABBEY,
by Hal Charles
P. S. Eliot was absolutely stymied. The playwright and owner of the Tallytown Playhouse had called in two of his favorite patrons and friends to help him figure out a murder.
“So,” Eliot said, his arms flapping as though he were trying to take off, “the body is lying over there.” He pointed to the stage right. “Stop moving,” he yelled to the actor splayed upon a rug in the middle of an English manor set. “You’re dead!”
“Can you be more specific, P. S., about the problem?” said Kelly Locke, TV news anchor in the big city to the east. “We’re both on a lunch break.”
“A long lunch break. Is it realism you want?” asked Matthew Locke, Chief of Detectives for the city.
“No,” said Eliot,” his arms ceasing to wave as though he were coming in for a landing. “And don’t call it writer’s block. I need to know how to solve the `murder’ of the worse actress in the universe over there, Lady Downtown.”
“We walked in a little in medias res,” said Kelly, trying to talk to the playwright in his own language.
“Perhaps, P. S., if you gave us a little more exposition,” said Kelly’s father, picking up from his daughter’s cue.
“Fine, my little experts. Here’s the Wikipedia version,” said the exasperated playwright. “Lady Downtown was stabbed by the killer reaching around from behind her with the famed Downtown Dagger.”
“Wouldn’t it have been just as easy to plunge the dagger into her from behind?” said Chief of Detectives Locke.
“Zounds!” said a frustrated Eliot. “Haven’t you ever heard Henry James’ dictum that a writer must be given his donnee?”
“And that donnee is . . . ?” posed Kelly, trying to calm the waters.
“My detective, She-lock Holmes—isn’t that a clever name?—has already determined that the killer must be left-handed,” said Eliot, “so—”
“Why left-handed?” interrupted the Chief of Detectives.
“Because, confound it, man, it’s a clue. As a detective yourself, Chief, you are certainly familiar with the concept of a clue?” said Eliot sarcastically.
“Actually,” said Matthew Locke, “we refer to everything found at a crime scene as evidence.”
“But I can see why you chose left-handedness as evidence . . . a clue, P. S.,” said Kelly, ever the peacemaker. “Since only ten percent of the population is left-handed, you have effectively narrowed down your list of suspects.”
“I am experiencing an unforeseen difficulty in She-lock questioning the three male heirs, who were in the manor at the time of the murder,” said the playwright. “How does She-lock figure out which one is left-handed in dramatic fashion?”
“Well,” said Kelly, “when I could first sit up, Dad put me down on the floor and rolled a baseball toward me. When I grabbed it with my right-hand, he knew early my dominant hand.”
“Really, Ms. Locke,” said Eliot, “as an investigative crime reporter, that’s all you’ve got? Can you see my actors sitting down in Downtown Abbey and having a baseball rolled to them? Besides, it’s not cricket. The British don’t play baseball.”
“Well,” said Matt Locke, “you could have She-lock sit the three suspects down at a table, give them pen and paper, and ask them to write down their alibis for the night of the murder.”
As writer-producer-director of Murder at Downtown Abbey, Eliot marched his three un-yet-costumed actor suspects on to the stage, then said, “Do you think any of these three would willingly convict himself that way?”
Kelly Locke stared at the mini-lineup of three men clothed in sneakers, belted jeans, and polo shirts standing in front of her. Then, she said, “You in the middle, take one step forward. You’re left-handed.”
How did Kelly Locke know which of the actors was in real life left-handed?
SOLUTION
As a reporter, and daughter of the Chief of Detectives, Kelly had been taught the importance of observation. She simply looked at the men’s belt-buckles. Since belt buckles point in the direction of the dominant hand, she was able to quickly determine if any of the actors were left-handed. P. S. Eliot was so impressed with the solution that he included it in his drama and gave Kelly and Matt Locke front-row seats for its opening.
TWO AGAINST SCOTLAND YARD,
by Zenith BrownA Mr. Pinkerton Mystery
(writing as David Frome)
- Writer
