Hate, actually

Chapter 9

(Same day)

We're all in a boat. A yacht, to be more specific.

We're all having dinner and I'm sitting next to Leonardo sipping on the best wine I've ever tried, willing myself not feel left out as conversation runs smoothly between him and his friends.

Leonardo and I are sitting astride eachother in a booth sort of area on a plush, white leather seat across from Elliott, Katherine and Cara. Leila is seated on the other side of me and Jordan on the other side of Leonardo.

I know nothing about these people except for what Leonardo briefed me on during introductions.

Elliott and Katherine - who've been together for four years - first met Leonardo at a fundraiser, slowly became close friends with him by association and Elliott and him now co-own a hotel in Vegas. Cara is 'an old friend', Jordan met Leonardo in college (before Leonardo dropped out to take over his dad's business) and they've been close ever since.

The jock I was imagining Leonardo to have been once upon a time came alive upon Jordan's arrival and I was beyond amused. Lastly, Leila is a close friend of Cara's and 'they go everywhere together'.

The prospect of being around people who have history and possibly great memories together that I'm not involved in has always made me squirm - and yet here I am, smack in the middle of the situation and I feel uncomfortably left out.

My hands are squeezed self consciously between my thighs and I only reach up every so often to take a sip of my wine. I am nervous, but because of my posture I know it barely shows.

"So Sadie," Cara says, fiddling with the short, black straws in her cocktail, "are you still in highschool?"

Her tone is somewhat condescending and I almost forgive her simply because of how beautiful she is.

Cara is immaculate in a black off the shoulder velvet gown with a slit by her thigh, a delicate gold necklace with her name as the pendant and black stilettos. Her long chestnut hair cascades down her shoulders in bouncy curls and I start to reconsider Leonardo's contract for so many reasons having to do with her. Her makeup is only very lightly put on and she is still easily one of the most beautiful women I've seen in my life. I'm not sure what I expected her to look like (botox overload, maybe?) but this is not it. Maybe I am judgmental.

"I'll be 20 in May, I've already graduated highschool," I answer mildly.

I mentally pat myself on the back for asking Leonardo to drop me off at Lauren's earlier on so I could borrow her clothes and makeup - again, since my wardrobe is still to be rearranged by the stylist.

I usually have an okay self esteem, but in the back of my mind I can't help but think that I look nowhere near as gorgeous as Cara does. I feel like she's definitely the one who stands out from us four girls.

"College then?" She probes.

I then realize that if she really likes Leonardo as much as I'm almost sure she does, then she has probably already read about me from some tabloid website like TMZ and she knows that my latest job was at some restaurant as a waitress - Bo's Bistro to be specific. My face flushes.

Leonardo, who has now taken notice of Cara and I's conversation, moves his hand from my waist to my shoulder, stroking my hair comfortingly in the process. I've never felt safer around him in that moment, but without wanting to, I think back to how he had judged me the first time we met and I'm back to being uncomfortable, if not more.

I shrug my free shoulder, "I dropped out. I wanted to be an author but I came to realize that writing isn't my field of expertise."

Lie! I dropped out because my tuition fee was out of my bank account's league, I think to myself but for obvious reasons, I do not say this out loud.

Cara nods and smirks slightly as if she's enjoying a secret joke, and I notice that whenever she performs her little act of indirect depreciation, she somehow becomes a lot less pretty.

Leila, whom I've already figured is much like one of those minions to highschool mean girls, remains quiet and observant during Cara and I's exchange and I realize she is waiting for Cara to set the tone.

She might as well just come right out and ask Cara: "Do we like her?" "Should we be nice to her?" "Is she good enough for us, for Leonardo?"

But as I've gathered from what Leonardo told me about him and Cara's past relationship - Cara obviously thinks no one will be good enough for Leonardo, except her, of course.

She does not look the least bit threatened by me and it bothers me more than I'd want it to.

Perhaps she thinks Leonardo would never willingly choose a girl like me and he is using me to make her jealous? To forget her by being involved with someone the direct opposite of her? Perhaps she knows he will fall right back into her arms no matter the circumstances? Perhaps the latter has happened before?

In this torturous moment, I so badly want to go home. To call Kai over and force him to watch Hallmark movies with me in my aunt's living room with all the lights off and it's just us at home like we always used to do. I want to know what it's like to watch a movie with him, but not just as friends. To see if all that much will change. But of course, I can't right now.

Katherine notices the slight tension and almost immediately pipes up to invite me to some tea party that's taking place tomorrow.

"It'll just be us and maybe four more people. You'll get a chance to meet some of Leonardo's close friends - aside from us," she says.

I almost tell her that I thought tea parties only existed in the minds of little children in the UK, but I don't. I'd only sound uneducated and somewhat judgmental.

I give her a polite smile, which isn't so hard to muster because she seems genuinely nice. "I have wedding preparations to sort through tomorrow. But I'd have loved to."

All of this is a lie, of course and I am aware that Leonardo knows it too.

Silence.

Everyone but my fiance is looking at me with puzzled looks on their faces.

I instantly start to question things in my head: Don't they know about the engagement? Haven't they had time to check news tabloids etc before they came here? Did Leonardo forget to tell them due to his lack of excitement for his little fake engagement? Maybe I shouldn't have kept my hands wedged between my thighs and they could've seen the ring for themselves... Maybe Leonardo wanted them to see the ring for themselves and ask about it.

Cara blanches. "Wedding preparations?"

I nod and lift up my hand for her to see the engagement ring and I feel some perverse kind of pride.

"Shut the s**t up," Jordan whispers in disbelief. He looks bemused, elated even.

A cautious smiles tugs on Katherine's matte, red lips. "Is this a prank?"

Leonardo shakes his head. "If you take a closer look at the ring, you'll notice that it was quite pricey and even though I'm a big spender, I would not be stupid enough to finance a prank with a beautiful ring such as this one."

Elliott is all skeptical and Leila is looking between Cara and I. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

"Do you love her?" Cara asks Leonardo accusingly, as if I am not there.

Leonardo looks unaffected, like he was expecting her to freak out. "I mean I don't see why else I'd be planning to marry her."

It's the first time he's spoken to her all night and his voice is so formal and detached. It reminds me of the man I knew before today, the Leonardo I met at Romano & Co.

"Y-you can't even have a serious relationship and now you want to marry her?" Cara sounds like she's about to get emotional and she's all but trying to keep the anger in her voice at bay.

Leonardo holds her gaze in a way that looks like he's communicating 'it's way over between us' to her.

"People change," he says quietly. And he looks like he wants too believe it too, from where I'm sitting.

"Well congratulations man!" Jordan stands up to give Leonardo a hug, his eyes unmistakably misty. I wonder if he's aware of the damage he's doing to Cara, but it seems not.

Jordan then pulls the rest of us into the hug and I can't help but feel sorry for Cara as she and Leila excuse themselves to go to the restrooms. I can't help but feel guilty for the lies and the fact that I'm interfering with these people's lives.

●●●

One message from Kai, ten missed calls from Lauren and two from Steve. The rest I don't really care about.

It's 11 PM and I'm back in my aunt's house. I'm home alone - thankfully the grizzly pimple isn't here - and oddly enough, I could use some company. Maybe it has something to do with the abundant company I've had for past couple of days. I must have grown used to it at some point.

I call Lauren first and she screams for an hour (I checked) about how she can't believe I'm getting married and how the news is everywhere. Steve is in the background repeatedly yelling about how 'there is not a chance in hell Leonardo is getting married' and how he has to be the best man. I'm lucky Lauren doesn't get emotional because then I'd feel even worse for lying.

I deal with their rambling for as long as I humanly can before I tell them I have to go. Lauren then tells me we all (her, Steve Kai and I) have to get lunch tomorrow so I can show them the ring and give them details on the proposal.

When I hang up I nervously dial Kai's number. I haven't spoken to him since yesterday evening when we parted ways after visiting Mom at the hospice. I wonder if he'll pick up so late at night.

"Hey there," he answers barely above a whisper, as if he's been sleeping.

"Did I wake you?"

"Nope."

"Liar."

"Okay, maybe you did but I really don't mind."

"I'm sorry I couldn't call earlier, I was super busy today."

"Yeah I noticed... looks like someone's engaged now." There's a hint of humor and resignation in his voice.

"Welcome to my life."

"Is it too late for me to come over and watch a movie?"

Upon hearing that, a smile involuntarily spreads across my face.

"No one's home so I don't see why not." I'm trying to play it cool and I'm succeeding.

"I'll be there in ten," he says.

"Cool."

"Okay."

"Alright."

"Kai, hang up."

"Why should I hang up?"

"Because."

"Because what?"

I roll my eyes even though he can't see me. "Just do it."

He laughs and then hangs up.

I stand still for a while, smiling into the darkness of my room.

Eventually, even though there's no one to see it, I realize I probably look creepy and I head downstairs to microwave some popcorn for our movie.

The doorbell rings exactly ten minutes later when I've just finished putting the popcorn into a bowl.

I open the door and Kai is in his pyjamas holding a pillow. Ten minutes ago, it hadn't clicked in my mind that he'd be sleeping over, considering how late in the night he's come.

I'm suddenly nervous about this little arrangement. It's no secret that Kai has been with lots of girls and he might expect something from me that I am not willing to give up just yet.

But then again, he's been your best friend for so long and he knows that you're still a fully inexperienced virgin, my subconscious reasons with me.

Even though Kai has slept over more times than I can count, this time it's way different.

I step aside and let him into my aunt's place. He hugs me and I feel all warm inside my chest like all the times my mom would put a little whiskey in my coffee when I had a cough.

"Hey," he mumbles into my hair.

"Hey yourself." I can't stop smiling.

I pull away from him so I can start the movie, but before I can even turn around, he takes my hand and examines my engagement ring.

"I could've gotten a better one by far," he says.

I stifle a smile. "Are you jealous?"

He shrugs a shoulder, smiling a little. "Maybe."

"There's literally nothing to be jealous of." I resume my walk to the living room and I can hear him following me, his face probably the picture of skepticism. I know some things about him too well.

We sit down and I start playing The Greatest Showman on Netflix.

"I saw the video, you know. Of the proposal," he says, his mouth half filled with popcorn, "he seemed pretty smitten."

I roll my eyes. "He isn't."

I know where this is going and I don't want to argue.

"Would you go out with him? I mean, if it weren't for me."

"Kai, I barely even know him."

He raises his hands in feigned innocence. "I'm just asking."

This is not how I saw tonight going. I turn to look at the TV before this turns into an argument.

"Sadie come on," he gently turns my face to look at him, "I'm sorry. I was just making sure."

When I don't say anything, he starts tickling my neck and my resolve fades into nothingness. I'm a giggling mess and I almost topple the bowl of popcorn over.

When I'm at the brink of hysteria, he stops and sits back proudly, knowing he's  basically won.

I smile at him despite myself. "Kai, can we please watch an actual movie for once?"

He groans and looks heavenward, causing me to giggle.

"Fine," he mumbles, a tiny smile playing at his lips.

I am aware that Kai hates my movie choices but I tried to compromise by putting The Greatest Showman, which isn't completely romance and he's not even trying watch it.

I turn my gaze back to the movie and it only takes me a moment to realize that we're being awkward.

I for one, I'm nervous mostly because we're sitting so close together. I'm a little more sedated than usual. Kai keeps stealing glances at me (which is making me even more nervous) and he's obviously not being his usual talkative self.

"Stop looking at me," I mumble, nibbling on a stray piece of popcorn, eyes still on the TV.

"How can I not look at your pretty self?" In my peripheral vision, I can see him smiling. Because perception isn't in my favor at the moment, I can't tell what kind of a smile it is.

Adoring? Playful? Mischievous? Timid?

The thing about Kai is this: I can also almost never tell when he's messing with me or being serious - because he's rarely ever serious.

I turn to look at him and before I manage to say anything, he leans in and his lips are on mine.

This is a monumental moment for me.

This is someone who was my crush in school for so many years, someone I was obsessed with more than probably necessary, someone I imagined beside me in the next twenty years.

I imagined this moment too many times to count and my heart is beating a mile a minute.

Kai puts and arm around me and pulls me closer.

This is happening. Kai is kissing me. I am kissing him back.

I'm too nervous to let my hands stray from his shoulders. There are too many feelings going on here and I might just explode.

When we pull away, I almost feel emotional because I'm a little mournful for our friendship that has completely evaporated. But I'm almost sure that it's worth it.

He's smiling at me, and because I'm in such a dizzying spell of racing thoughts, I can only hope I'm smiling too. If I'm not though, he can probably see it in my eyes that I'm happy.