Hate, actually

Chapter 13

"You will be stupid. You will

worry your parents. You will

question your own choices, your relationships, your jobs, your friends, where you live, what you studied in college, that you went to college at all... If that happens, you're doing it right." - Ira Glass

●●●

I'm surprised but I should've known. Leonardo and I have to share a room.

"Do we really have to?"

"Yes," Leonardo deadpans.

"Doesn't it weird you out even a little bit?" I nibble on my nails. A very bad habit.

"I've been in situations where I had to share a bed with my female cousins when I was younger. This isn't any different."

I expected him to say he had been in bed with many woman and he was used to it. What I did not expect was for him to practically family zone me.

"Okay, whatever. I'm taking the left side," I say, retreating to the bathroom to change into my pajamas.

The bathroom is, of course, state-of-the-art. Since meeting meeting Leonardo, I've become less and less fascinated with things like this, but I have a feeling I will take my words back soon.

I mentally groan when I open the little bag that contains my sleepwear. I hadn't thought things through and I packed my Strawberry Shortcake and Dora the Explorer pajamas. How very sexy.

If I'd been a little more alert, I could've bought more age appropriate sleepwear online before we came.

I slip the Strawberry Shortcake themed tank top and shorts on and I've never felt more unattractive.

Even though I have no intentions of making myself desirable to Leonardo in any way, it wouldn't hurt to prove him wrong about my 'vulgar aesthetic' - and any fully functioning female would hate for someone insanely attractive to compare them to their cousins.

I step out of the bathroom and Leonardo suppresses a smile when he sees me. As expected.

I wish he'd just let his guard down and actually smile, even if it's at my expense.

I huff in an immature way that probably looks comical coupled with my juvenile choice of attire. "What?"

This seems to amuse him all the more. He pulls a feigned look of confusion. "Pardon?"

"You're giving me a look."

"A look?"

"Yes. A look. Like I'm some animal that can talk."

He starts to arrange our luggage in a much better order. Neat freak.

"Well," he says walking past me, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

I've always known Leonardo was tall but for some reason I'm noticing it all the more now. He makes our cabin look smaller than it normally would've been to me. It doesn't help that I stand at 5'3 either.

"Hey, how tall are you?" I realize how out-of-the-blue that was only after I've already spoken.

He gives me a weird look. "I'm 6'3."

I let out a vey unladylike whistle. "You're a literal giant. I wish you were a friendly giant though."

If he notices that I'm talking about the first day we met, he doesn't show it. He simply ignores my remark.

"It's a little cold tonight. Should I turn the electric blanket on?" he asks.

I go to raid the mini fridge. "Yeah, I'm freezing."

I stop for a second, realizing something.

For someone who is a little intimidated by Leonardo, I'm acting like I've known him for years. I'll admit it kind of does feel that way.

I grab some bottled water and walk over to the window.

All I can see out there is - well - water. I'm surprised I don't feel sea sick. I've never been on a cruise ship before, or even a plane for the matter. I've never even left mainland USA.

"What do people do on cruise ships?" I ask.

"It's sort of different for each one I've been on. Since this is couple's cruise, I'm assuming we'll have to do a lot of things together. We'll just have to wait for the itinerary."

A lot of things together. I have a feeling that this fake marriage will prove to be a lot harder than I thought it would be.

●●●

I wake up to find Leonardo a safe distance away from me on our shared bed. I don't even remember what time I fell asleep, I just remember working on my most recent book. I yawn, sitting up. I steal a glance through the glass doors we left wide open during the night.

It's pretty early.

The sun is slowly rising, painting the sky in pinks and oranges. It looks like a colorful egg was cracked open over the horizon and I feel more peace than I have in the longest time.

I decide that sunrises in Tahiti are unmatched, even though I've only seen the ones in New York to compare with.

I turn to look at Leonardo. He's facing me and his caramel-wheat colored bed hair looks so touchable. He's breathing softly, pink lips slightly parted. His eyelashes are so long.

I've never seen him in such a candid moment. It's a little exhilarating. His petite nose is dotted with a few freckles and his long, dark lashes brush over his face delicately. If it weren't for his chiseled jawline, he could have easily been pretty like a girl.

I am probably one of many women who have seen him in an intimate moment such as this, and the thought sort of dampens my mood.

The sun gradually rises and shines on Leonardo's face, just as he slowly blinks his eyes open. I've never seen him in a prettier light.

He squints at me, a smile ghosting his face. "Hi."

"Hey," I say, my voice a few octaves too high.

What is up with my voice?

He shifts a little and takes my hand in his warm one as if by instinct. I shiver at his touch and I can only hope he doesn't notice. It doesn't help that I woke up unwillingly replaying our kiss from yesterday.

Boyfriend! Sadie, you have a boyfriend! You really shouldn't even have to remind yourself!

"Why are you up so early?" He mumbles, becoming more and more awake by the second.

I lie back down, facing him. "I sort of just woke up without really wanting to."

"Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah. Best sleep I've had in a while. Must be something about Tahiti."

"Yeah, me too." He checks his watch. "Nothing starts until at least 7, so we have about half an hour to kill."

The jet lag is seriously messing with my head. It's supposed to be past 12 PM back home and I feel like I've overslept when, in fact, I haven't.

"Half an hour? The first time I wake up early and there's nothing to do?"

He looks amused. "We could just go back to sleep."

With the sun leaking into our cabin like a warm blanket, the idea sounds more than inviting. My eyes feel the pull of gravity at the thought of going back to sleep.

As if on cue, I yawn loudly behind my hand. "Yeah, sounds good."

Leonardo nearly smiles. It's one of those stupid ghost smiles he always has on his face.

For the love of all that's good and holy, just smile damn it, my inner thoughts say to him.

"Can you sing me a lullaby?" I ask jokingly.

He raises an eyebrow. "Okay, what song?"

Really?

"Anything," I say a little too excitedly.

Leonardo clears his throat dramatically and starts to sing a song I don't recognize, but I instantly fall in love with it.

It's soft and melancholy, the perfect song to lull anyone to sleep. Not to mention, Leonardo is amazingly talented at singing. It only makes me wonder what he's not good at.

●●●

We ended up waking up at 8 AM. We didn't miss breakfast with the rest of the couples, though.

There was one particularly nosy woman at breakfast. She thought I was sixteen and was entirely confused about how I could be married to someone as 'important' looking as Leonardo. I get that I'm super short but, really?

Everyone else at the table didn't understand her confusion, though - which made me feel a lot better, by the way.

I went on to tell her that I am in fact nineteen, and it took a lot of convincing for her to believe me.

She then began to pry on Leonardo and I's married life (feels weird to say that!) and pointed out that Leonardo and I are such an unlikely pair.

Her husband shut her up when she commented on how she finds it charming that a classy looking man like Leonardo fell for a Plain Jane like me.

Her intention wasn't to be rude though, she was just being herself - I could tell by the way her husband had that 'here we go again' look at the beginning of our conversation.

It still bothers me though, that people are always confused about Leonardo being with someone like me, and being charmed by the whole Cinderella and The Prince vibe we give off.

I decided that I'll stop being stubborn and just wear the outfits Gretchen picked out for me.

Now it's noon and we've just arrived at some beach in Bora Bora. I'm overwhelmed with excitement.

Underneath my shorts and a tank top is a black bikini that Gretchen packed for me and I'm really looking forward to swimming.

I steal a glance at Leonardo. His hair is being tousled by the wind, beautiful seafoam eyes staring ahead contentedly. I've never seen him so relaxed, it's contagious. 

When we get down from the ship, Leonardo declines the offer of a guided tour. He says that from experience, there's a lot you can miss out on with the latter because you're being shown what someone else deems interesting. It makes a lot of sense once you think about it.

Bora Bora is amazing. I've never stepped foot in a place like it. The water is a kaleidoscope of shimmering blues, and in contrast to the beatiful white sand, I almost feel as if I'm not on earth.

If I was to ever draw what I imagine heaven to be, I'd come here for inspiration.

"You like it?" Leonardo asks soberly, taking in my awed expression.

"I literally have no words to describe it."

I notice some couples going off with the tour guide, some heading towards their over water bungalows as Bora Bora is probably their honeymoon destination, and some actually staying in the ship.

I can't come up with any reasons as to why the latter wouldn't want to come out here.

Leonardo is headed to the resort and I follow timidly, overwhelmed by nature's own brand of luxury.

He orders two non alcoholic cocktails and we recline on foldable, shaded deck chairs.

A couple of weeks ago, my brain (against my own will) took a mental note that Leonardo isn't a big fan of alcohol.

He'll drink but never to the point of getting tipsy. It's sort of attractive because it suggests self control, not to mention self awareness. It's all an assumption on my part, of course. He could have had a bad experience with alcohol for all I know.

Not that it matters anyway. Me finding him attractive, I mean.

I fold up the towel I brought and I use it to support my head like a pillow would. Leonardo made sure I put on my sunscreen and I'm super grateful. The sun is pretty brutal.

I furtively glance at him. He's lying back, eyes shut. I take a mental picture of this rare moment in which he looks so relaxed - this trip is really bringing out a different side of him.

He's even wearing shorts for once, although I wouldn't know what else he'd wear to the beach. It's just... odd to see him kickback and relax.

His long, toned tan legs stretch out on the deck chair, making me hyperaware of just how comical it must look to people when they learn that I'm married to this Greek god.

"Are you up for a swim?" I ask him, shaking my thoughts away.

It's pretty hot and I could really use a swim.

Leonardo looks at me a minute too long for comfort before replying. "Yeah."

I hate it when he looks at me like that. It makes me wonder what he's thinking, which leads all the insecurities tucked away in the innermost parts of my mind to come out in all their glory.

"Can we swim in the resort though? I'm wary of the sharks in the lagoon," I mumble.

Leonardo stands up and offers me his hand. "Sure. I don't mind."

I reluctantly take his hand and he laces his fingers through mine and we stroll to the resort. Now even though it has become sort of routine for us to hold hands because of the press, I somehow never get used to the jolt of electricity I get when our hands make contact.

I decide that if I can't help what I feel, then all I have to do is not act upon my feelings.

This should be normal, right? I'm pretty sure other people in relationships are attracted to the odd person here and there.

I'm just in a worse position because I literally have to be married to someone I'm clearly attracted to.

Damn it.

Looking around, I notice that there aren't many people around. Maybe there are about four other people on the beach. I overheard the tour guide talking about how Bora Bora is sparsely populated.

The latter makes me wonder if Leonardo is holding my hand for the four people's benefit - which is very unlikely - or if he's just used to us walking hand in hand.

I mean it would sort of feel weird to go a while without the comfort of his long fingers lacing through mine. Maybe he feels the same. Most of what we do now is out of routine.

A routine that is going to be the death of me.

●●●

"Why didn't you make me sign a prenuptial?" I ask Leonardo, not taking my gaze away from the breathtaking view.

We've been in the pool for about ten minutes now in comfortable silence. The dark brown stone walls make the place look like a cave, then there's an opening where glass railing separates us from the view.

Champagne brought by the staff bubbles in two delicate looking flutes on a tray next to the pool.

I will never get used to the luxury that comes with Leonardo Romano.

"I was supposed to," Leonardo answers my question thoughtfully, "but when I got to know you it completely slipped my mind."

"Would you consider me a friend?" I ask timidly.

I have an overwhelming wish to be something to him. Anything. Within reason, of course.

This times he smiles. An honest to God smile. My heart probably skips ten beats.

The golden hour sun is shining on his features and he almost looks celestial.

"I would if that's what you'd want," he says softly. He's amused.

I look away. He makes me so shy. I try to busy myself with the rim of my champagne flute.

"We have a mutual friend, so I don't see why not," I say. I'm trying to seem nonchalant.

"Speaking of friends," Leonardo says with a slight frown, "how close are you with Kai - is it?"

I swallow nervously. I wasn't expecting that.

"Yeah, it's Kai. We're pretty close."

I can only hope my voice is as nonchalant as I intended it to sound.

Leonardo looks at me like he's trying to figure me out. It's pretty unnerving to be under his scrutiny. Especially when I haven't been completely honest with him.

"You're not interested in him are you?"

"What do you mean by interested? Of course I think he's interesting, he's my best friend. You should see him impersonate Simon Cowell, it's hilarious-"

I shut up mid ramble when I see Leonardo giving me a blank look.

"You know that's not what I mean," he says flatly.

"Kai would never be interested in me," I scoff, "he's got supermodels trailing after him for goodness' sake."

Leonardo cards a hand through his hair, his intense gaze never leaving me. I'm not sure if I'm imagining the frustration radiating off of him.

"Sadie. I asked if you are interested in him," he says.

The creepy thing about Leonardo is this: the tone of his voice never really changes. It's the same in the few emotions I've witnessed with him; happy, angry, neutral.

I don't know if I'm delusional but his voice seems to become deceptively quieter when he's upset. Which is scary. Hot, but scary.

I shrug. "He's my best friend."

Leonardo looks heavenward, as if he's searching for something that can help him to keep his sanity.

I can't help but giggle at his frustration. Yeah, an actual giggle.

I know I'm being horribly vague with him but I find it really difficult to lie. Really difficult.

When I was little my mom told me that little goblins would cut off my tongue in the middle of the night if I was to ever tell a lie, and ever since then I haven't really been able to lie. I mean, even when I eventually lied out of desperation and found out it wasn't true, I was still positively freaked out. It kind of stuck and lying just isn't in me.

"Okay," Leonardo says after a few seconds of glaring at me. "Have it your way."

Before I can even gather my thoughts into an understandable sentence, Leonardo starts to tickle me. Mercilessly.

Me, being the insanely ticklish person I am, I start to laugh, (I don't want to say giggle, but that's really what it was) and when I try to get away from him, he pulls me back by the waist and I literally crash into his hard chest.

I'm not sure why I can't stop laughing even though he's stopped tickling me. I try to push away from him, but to no avail and so my hands just awkwardly remain on his toned stomach.

When I realise this, I move them up to his chest and now we're in some sort of intimate embrace, his hands around my waist and all.

I try to tell my racing heart to calm down but Leonardo starts talking.

"You want to tell me the truth now?" He's narrowing his eyes at me but I can see the suggestion of a smile playing at his lips.

In this moment, I wish for a few things: I wish he wasn't so fit, that way I wouldn't have to feel his toned body against my own. I wish my stupid heart would stop being dramatic over there in my poor so chest. I wish I wasn't slowly falling for Leonardo.

To make matters worse, my body isn't anything special at all. My arms sort of jiggle if I move them too much and my stomach is flat, but definitely not toned.

I'm what I'd assume is a normal healthy girl, but now I'm hyperaware of how much of a contrast I am to Cara - and the many many girls Leonardo is rumoured to have been with.

Ugh, why do you even care? My alter ego asks me.

I shake away my thoughts. "I don't like Kai like that, Leonardo. You don't have to worry about your business being threatened in any way."

Leonardo frowns slightly and lets go of me.

"I guess that's good then," he mumbles.

I want to ask him about his sudden change in mood but then I remember that that's just how he is. His ever changing moods are nothing new to me, it's just hard to keep up sometimes.

And so for the rest of the day Leonardo was back to being so serious and self contained, less than a friend and more like a work colleague. It was torturous.

We had dinner in the sunset restaurant and we talked about such mundane things, I wanted to scream.

I never expected to want anything more from this business proposal. I hate how I'd do almost anything to get his attention. My behavior has been quite concerning.

If I could ask Lauren for advice, she'd remind me of how long I've wanted to be with Kai and how I shouldn't screw up my relationship over a womanizer like Leonardo.

Maybe I should take that advice.

I really haven't been paying attention to my emotions. I am now, and it's scary how far I'm letting them take me.