UNCONTROLLABLE TEARS

CHAPTER 13 A Little Freedom

Dad kept his promise.

A few days after our conversation, he gave me my first weekly allowance.

It wasn't a lot.

But when he placed the money in my hand, I stared at it for a few seconds.

I don't think Dad understood what that small amount meant to me.

For years, whenever I needed something, I had to ask.

Sometimes I hated asking.

Sometimes I would stand there trying to find the right words because I already knew how the conversation might go.

Now I could look at the money in my hand and know that I didn't have to ask anyone.

It was mine.

Dad looked at me.

"Use it for whatever you need."

I smiled.

"Thank you Dad."

He nodded.

"And don't be afraid to tell me if you need something important."

I looked down at the money.

"Okay."

He gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze before leaving for work.

I waited until I was alone before looking at it again.

A small smile spread across my face.

It wasn't much.

But for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had a little control over something in my own life.

I decided not to tell Ma'am Elizabeth.

I wasn't trying to hide anything bad.

I just didn't want to lose this.

After everything that had happened, I was afraid that if she found out Dad was giving me money every week, she might say something to him.

She might convince him that I didn't need it.

Or that I was becoming too dependent on money.

Or that I should simply ask whenever I needed something.

I didn't want to take that chance.

So I kept it to myself.

Over the next few days, I began using the money carefully.

I didn't buy anything expensive.

I bought a new pack of pads.

Then I bought some underwear.

The first time I stood in a shop and paid for them myself, I felt strangely nervous.

The woman behind the counter simply gave me my change.

That was all.

Nobody laughed.

Nobody asked why I needed them.

Nobody made me feel embarrassed.

I walked out of the shop holding the small bag against my side.

I smiled to myself.

It was such a simple thing.

But it felt important.

A few days later, I bought a simple pair of slippers.

They weren't expensive.

They weren't the kind Suzita wore.

They were just comfortable, and I liked them.

I also bought a simple dress when I found one that I really liked.

It wasn't fancy.

It wasn't designer.

It was just new.

And for me, that was enough.

When I wore it for the first time, I stood in front of the mirror in my room.

I turned slightly from side to side.

Then I smiled.

"Nice."

I touched the fabric.

For once, I had chosen something because I liked it.

Not because someone had given it to me.

Not because it was the only thing available.

I had chosen it.

That feeling stayed with me.

It was small.

But it was mine.

---

Celine noticed the change the moment she saw me.

She had come to visit one afternoon, and we were sitting together in my room.

She looked at my slippers.

Then at my dress.

Then back at me.

"You look different."

I laughed.

"Different how?"

"Happier."

I looked down.

"Maybe."

Celine smiled.

"So what happened?"

I hesitated.

Then I smiled.

"Dad."

Her eyebrows lifted.

"What did he do?"

I told her about our conversation.

I told her that Dad had apologized.

I told her that he said he missed me too.

And finally, I told her about the money.

Celine's face lit up.

"Really?"

I nodded.

"Every week."

She smiled.

"I'm happy for you."

I smiled back.

"It's not much."

"That doesn't matter."

She leaned back against the wall.

"You finally have something that is yours."

I nodded.

"I know."

For a moment, we were quiet.

Then Celine looked around my room.

"So... are you still thinking about school?"

"Every day."

She smiled.

"Good."

I laughed softly.

"I don't even know when I'll be able to go."

"You'll figure it out."

I looked at her.

"You always say that."

"Because you always need to hear it."

I laughed.

"Maybe."

Celine smiled.

We spent the next hour talking about ordinary things.

Movies.

Clothes.

Food.

People we remembered from school.

Things we wanted to do someday.

For a while, I forgot about everything waiting for me outside that room.

I forgot about the things I couldn't control.

I forgot about the years I had spent wondering if my life would ever change.

I was simply sitting with my best friend, laughing.

And I realized how much I had missed that.

---

Later that evening, I returned to the sitting room.

Suzita was sitting on the sofa with her phone in her hand.

She looked up when I walked past.

Her eyes stopped on my dress.

"That's new."

I stopped.

"Yes."

"Where did you get it?"

I hesitated.

I didn't want her asking too many questions.

"Somewhere."

She frowned.

"Somewhere?"

I smiled awkwardly.

"Yes."

She looked at my slippers.

"Those too?"

I nodded.

She stared at me for another moment.

I could almost see the question forming in her mind.

I quickly walked away.

I didn't want to lie to her.

But I didn't want to tell her about Dad either.

Not yet.

I had a feeling that if Suzita knew, Ma'am Elizabeth would know soon after.

And I wasn't ready to risk that.

---

Over the next few weeks, Suzita began noticing more things.

Nothing expensive.

Nothing dramatic.

Just little changes.

A new pair of slippers.

A new dress.

A packet of hair accessories.

Sometimes she would see me come home carrying a small shopping bag.

She never asked directly again.

But I noticed the way she watched me.

Sometimes, when I walked into the room, her eyes would move from my face to whatever I was carrying.

Then she would look away.

I didn't think much of it.

I was simply happy.

For the first time, I had something that belonged to me.

And Dad had kept his word.

That mattered more than anything.

---

One evening, I was putting away some of the things I had bought when I heard footsteps outside my room. Sh*t my door is opened.

I quickly closed the small drawer where I kept my money.

Ma'am Elizabeth appeared at the doorway.

She looked at me.

Then at the small bag on my bed.

"What did you buy?"

I smiled politely.

"Just a few things."

She looked at me for a moment.

"With what money?"

My heart skipped.

I lowered my eyes.

"I had some."

"From where?"

I looked back at her.

"I saved it."

She studied my face.

For a second, I wondered if she believed me.

Then she gave a small nod.

"Alright."

She turned and walked away.

I waited until her footsteps disappeared.

Then I released the breath I had been holding.

I didn't know if she suspected anything.

I only knew I wasn't ready for her to find out.

I looked at the drawer again.

Dad's money was still there.

A small amount.

A small secret.

And, for now, a small piece of freedom.

---

That night, I lay in bed thinking about everything that had changed.

It wasn't much.

I still lived in the same house.

I still had the same responsibilities.

I still didn't know when I would return to school.

Nothing about my life had suddenly become easy.

But something inside me had changed.

I no longer felt completely helpless.

I could make a few choices for myself.

I could buy the things I needed.

I could save a little.

And maybe, one day, I could build something bigger.

Maybe Dad really meant what he said.

Maybe we would talk about school again.

Maybe I would finally get another chance.

I closed my eyes.

For once, I didn't feel like I was only waiting for my life to begin.

I felt like I had taken one tiny step toward it.

And sometimes, one tiny step was enough to make you believe that there might be somewhere worth going.