UNCONTROLLABLE TEARS

CHAPTER 10 The Life I Had Now

The sound of the door slamming brought me back to reality.

I blinked and looked down at the clothes in front of me.

The same pile was still there.

I sighed and picked up another shirt.

Here we go again.

I barely had time to rinse the soap from my hands before I heard Elizabeth's voice.

"Maya!"

I closed my eyes for a second.

"Yes, Ma'am?"

"Are you still washing those clothes?"

I looked at the pile.

"I'm almost done."

"Almost?"

Her footsteps came closer.

I kept my eyes down.

"You've been there long enough. The kitchen hasn't been cleaned, and Suzita's clothes are still waiting to be folded."

"I'll do them."

"You'd better."

She stood there for another moment.

Then she sighed.

"I don't understand why I have to remind you about everything."

I said nothing.

She turned and walked away.

I waited until I could no longer hear her footsteps before continuing.

It wasn't anything new.

I had learned a long time ago that answering back only made things worse.

By the time I finished washing the clothes, my hands were sore.

I carried everything inside, folded what needed to be folded, cleaned the kitchen, washed the dishes, and made sure everything was in its place.

Only then did I finally have a moment to sit down.

I walked into the sitting room and dropped onto the sofa.

I pulled out my phone.

It wasn't anything special.

In fact, it wasn't even originally mine.

It had belonged to Suzita.

When Suzita got a new phone, Dad had asked Elizabeth to give me her old one since nobody was using it anymore.

That was how I got my first phone.

I still remembered how excited I had been when Dad gave it to me.

It wasn't new.

It wasn't expensive.

But it was mine.

And at least I finally had something I could call my own.

I unlocked the screen and started scrolling through God knows what.

Suzita was sitting on the other side of the room.

She was chewing gum while pressing something on her expensive phone.

She was dressed in a stylish outfit that showed a little of her stomach, and she looked completely comfortable.

I looked down at myself.

My loose dress reached below my knees.

It wasn't ugly.

I actually liked it.

But sometimes I wondered what it would feel like to have the freedom to choose things simply because I wanted them.

I looked back at my phone.

There were no new messages.

I sighed.

For a long time, I had hoped I would continue my education like other people my age.

I wanted to study.

I wanted to get a degree.

I wanted to have something that belonged to me.

But when the time came, there was always a reason why it couldn't happen.

The company was still recovering.

Money was tight.

There wasn't enough to send both me and Suzita to a higher institution at the same time.

That was what I was told.

Elizabeth had complained about the cost several times.

There were school fees.

Books.

Transportation.

Other expenses.

According to her, the family couldn't afford to pay for both of us.

So Suzita continued with her education.

And I stayed home.

Nobody said I would never go.

They simply kept saying, "Maybe later."

Later never came.

I eventually stopped asking.

It was easier that way.

Suzita was still in school.

She had her classes, assignments, friends, and plans.

Everything seemed to be working out fine for her.

But somehow, things were always different when it came to me.

While she was studying, I was washing clothes.

While she was doing assignments, I was cleaning the house.

While she was preparing for her future, I was helping in the kitchen.

Sometimes I wondered how my life had become so small.

I didn't want to spend the rest of my life inside that house.

I wanted to earn my own money.

Not a lot.

Just enough.

Enough to buy my own sanitary pads without waiting for someone to give me money.

Enough to buy underwear when I needed new ones.

Enough to replace a worn-out pair of slippers.

Enough to buy a dress once in a while.

Enough to have something in my pocket that belonged to me.

That was why I had started looking for small jobs.

Nothing big.

Nothing that required a degree.

I had asked around whenever I could.

A small cafeteria.

A food place.

A shop where I could help attend to customers.

Maybe somewhere I could help sell drinks, snacks, or other things.

Anything honest that could give me a little money at the end of the day.

I didn't mind working hard.

I was already used to it.

I just wanted to be paid for some of it.

The problem was that finding such work wasn't as easy as I had hoped.

Sometimes they wanted someone with experience.

Sometimes they wanted someone older.

Sometimes the pay was so small that transportation would take almost everything.

And sometimes I simply didn't know where to look.

I had thought about asking Grandma and Grandpa for help once.

But I already knew how that would go.

They would probably tell me they didn't know of anywhere.

Or that I should wait.

Or that there was nothing available.

They had never directly said they didn't want to help me.

They didn't have to.

I understood.

What I didn't understand was Dad.

How could he know that I wasn't going to school and still never ask what I planned to do with my life?

How could he hear about my situation and never seem worried?

Sometimes it felt like he had simply stopped caring about what happened to me.

Whatever happened, happened.

As long as the house was quiet and nobody was causing trouble, he seemed satisfied.

I didn't know when he had become like that.

I only knew that the father who once held my hand everywhere no longer seemed to notice when I was hurting.

I tried not to think about it.

I had become very good at that too.

The doorbell rang.

Suzita looked up from her phone.

She glanced at me.

Then she pointed toward the door.

I understood.

Of course.

I got up.

I walked to the door and opened it.

My face immediately brightened.

"Celine!"

She smiled.

"Maya!"

I stepped aside.

"Come in."

She hugged me as soon as she entered.

"I've missed you."

"I've missed you too."

Celine looked at me carefully.

"You look tired."

I laughed softly.

"I am tired."

"Why?"

I gave her a look.

"You know why."

She smiled.

"Fair enough."

We walked into the sitting room.

Celine noticed Suzita.

She smiled politely.

"Hi, Suzita."

Suzita didn't answer.

She continued chewing her gum and scrolling through her phone.

Celine waited for a second.

Then she looked at me.

I gave her a small smile.

It was the kind of expression that said, Don't worry about it.

I gently touched her arm.

"Come on."

We walked away from the sitting room.

As we reached the hallway, Celine lowered her voice.

"She still does that?"

I shrugged.

"She's always like that."

Celine rolled her eyes.

"I don't know how you deal with this house."

I gave a small laugh.

"I don't know either."

We walked to the small guest room.

It was the room I now called mine.

It hadn't always been mine.

My old bedroom had been given to Suzita years ago.

My things had been moved into this small guest room instead.

It wasn't a terrible room.

But it was smaller than my old one.

The window was smaller.

The bed wasn't as comfortable.

And there wasn't much space for my clothes or books.

Still, it was the room I had.

What choice did I have?

I sat on the bed.

Celine sat beside me.

For the first time that day, I felt like I could breathe properly.

We started talking about everything and nothing.

School.

People we hadn't seen in years.

Clothes.

Food.

Things we wanted to buy.

Things we couldn't afford.

We laughed about some silly things that happened when we were younger.

For a little while, I forgot about the rest of the house.

Then I sighed.

Celine looked at me.

"What?"

"There are so many things I need to buy."

"Like what?"

I started counting on my fingers.

"Some new clothes. A few personal things. I need new shoes too."

She laughed.

"That's a lot."

"I know."

"Do you have money?"

I gave her a look.

"If I had money, would I be complaining?"

She laughed.

I laughed too.

Then my smile faded.

"I'm serious, Celine."

"I know."

"I've been trying to find a small job."

Celine became quiet.

"What kind?"

"Anything I can do."

I shrugged.

"Maybe a cafeteria. A small shop. Somewhere I can help sell things or attend to customers."

She nodded.

"That could work."

"I just need somewhere that will take me."

"You'll find somewhere."

"I hope so."

Celine looked at me.

"You really want to work?"

"Of course."

I looked down at my hands.

"I don't want to keep asking for money every time I need something."

Celine didn't interrupt.

"I hate having to explain why I need pads or why I need new underwear. Sometimes I just want to buy what I need without feeling like I'm asking for too much."

She reached for my hand.

"I understand."

I squeezed her fingers.

"I just want to have my own money."

"You will."

I smiled sadly.

"I hope so."

Celine knew enough about my life to understand what I didn't say.

She had known me since we were children.

She knew about my mother.

She knew my relationship with Dad had changed.

She knew Elizabeth wasn't exactly the kind of woman who made me feel welcome.

She knew Suzita and I weren't close.

And I knew about her life too.

Celine had grown up with only her mother, Olivia.

Her father had died before she was born, so she had never known him.

It had always been just the two of them.

But Olivia loved her daughter deeply.

And Celine loved her mother just as much.

Sometimes when Celine talked about her mother, I could hear the love in her voice.

She would tell me about the meals they cooked together, the things they laughed about, and how her mother always worried whenever she came home late.

They didn't have everything.

But they had each other.

I sometimes wished I still had that.

Celine leaned back against the wall.

"You'll find something."

I looked at her.

"I hope so."

"You will."

I smiled.

"You're very sure."

"Someone has to be."

I laughed.

For a moment, everything felt normal.

Just two friends sitting together and talking about life.

And for those few minutes, I didn't think about the house.

I didn't think about school.

I didn't think about money.

I didn't think about how different my life had become.

I just sat there with my best friend and let myself feel normal again.

Then we heard someone call from downstairs.

"Maya!"

I sighed.

Celine laughed.

"Looks like your break is over."

I shook my head.

"Don't remind me."

She laughed again.

I stood up.

"Come on."

We walked toward the door.

I took one last look at the small room behind me.

For those few minutes, I had forgotten everything.

I had forgotten that I wasn't going to school.

I had forgotten that I had no money of my own.

I had forgotten that the home I once knew no longer felt like mine.

But the moment I opened that door, the feeling disappeared.

And once again, I had to remind myself that this was my life now.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and followed Celine out.

Sometimes, a few minutes of happiness were all I had.

And I had learned not to hold on to them for too long.