There Were all The Signs

14. Saying Goodbye

Miller

    The last few weeks of deployment I tried to throw myself at danger but some how the destructiveness I was showing sent a red flag to the men in charge. When questioned I came clean about what was going on back home. It was beyond embarrassing to have to tell my commanding officers that my wife was cheating on me. But I found a sense of calm when they told me stories of what other's faced while they were deployed. It is sad to know so many people deal with cheating in their career field.

    When Marcus and Sam left I spent the night finding the bottom of the bottle. This is another casualty of many military men, depressions, PTSD and alcoholism. When you feel like you had enough just dealing with the evil s**t in the world and what you do about it someone out there thought you could handle some more real life s**t. 

    What really made me beyond sad and so angry with myself was watching Sam go after Brittany. I always knew Sam was the one I was meant to be with and as I watched her defend me I felt an overwhelming love for her and felt like Brittany did me a favor. She took me out of having to be the bad guy, since I was always in love with another. I don't think I didn't love Brittany but she never had my full heart. But Sam is involved with the best man I know and my cousin. I shouldn't be thinking like this. Brittany saying Sam loved me made my heart skip a beat. I watched Sam get angry but she didn't deny it and I watched a look pass across Marcus' face. Like he knew exactly what Brittany was referring to. Like Fate had finally made his worse nightmare reality.

    Or I was just reading way too much into everything. Tipping the Jack Daniel's bottle I took another long swig, feeling the burn slide down my throat and into my chest. Dear ole Jack has made the pain numb but the embarrassment decided to be my new best pal. And then a memory decided to help me covet my best friend.

    Sam and I were fourteen years old and I had my first crazy break up. The girl was Elizabeth Crock and she decided that she was going to go around telling lies about me to everyone. She told people I was abusive and she also pulled down my pants on the bus among other things that were just irritating.

    One afternoon I was telling Sam all the crazy things she was saying and doing and I could see from the color on her cheeks and neck, that her blood was boiling with anger. Just when I finished telling Sam about Liz pulling my pants down when I stood up to get off the bus, Liz just happened to pass us in the hall at school. 

    Sam was about five inches shorter than Liz but she went straight up to her and slammed her into the lockers across from us and some how she was in her face despite the height difference.

    "What's your problem Sam?"

    "Don't play dumb Liz! You leave him alone. If I hear of one more thing that you do to him being a b***h I will be his hands. He won't hit you because you are a girl and you know that. That is why you are acting all tough, trying to look cool. Well I am a girl and I will hit you and I don't care about the trouble I will get in either."

    "Awe it's so sweet that you are his brute but never his girlfriend, Sam. If only you were prettier maybe you could stop threatening the girls he actually would want to kiss and get the kisses yourself. You aren't helping the situations sweetie."

    "We're just friends."

    "Oh I know that, you want more and he doesn't. Too bad too because he is a really good kisser."

    "You have been warned. Don't mess with him again, unless he asks you to."

    Just like that she let her go and she went off down the hall away from Liz and myself.

    "You should put her on a leash, she will ruin all your relationships."

    "She hasn't done anything to effect my relationships. I don't think she put your lips on another guys."

    "Maybe she isn't all at fault but how are we suppose to compete with her?"

    "What are you talking about?"

    "You're an i***t. She loves you as more than friends and I think you feel the same. You talk about her non stop. If you spent so much time and attention on your girlfriends they wouldn't look elsewhere. She will ruin all your relationships."

    In a way maybe Liz had been right. Sam didn't ruin my relationships but I was comparing all the girls in my life to her. I had a type, blondes, high class, rich, stuck up. While I found them beyond beautiful there was never anything sexier than watching Sam throw Liz against that locker. Even back then when she was thin, without curves and dressed like a boy she was beautiful and my teenage heart was in love with her. But my teenage head was looking for something that gave me a status, that made others jealous.

    And now it was me who sat here wallowing in a bottle thinking about how jealous I am having let the love of my life slip through my fingers for the past ten years and now she is the girl everyone would want and I can no longer have. Karma is a b***h.

*********

    At noon on Friday I decided It was time that I went home. My parents found their hung over son the day after he came home passed out on the bathroom floor. I explained to them that Brittany and I had split. I didn't tell them about the video but I did tell them that Brittany admitted to cheating while I was away. I didn't spend too much time analyzing their looks but they almost seemed like they were expecting it. They allowed me to stay the rest of the week and were nice enough not to hover and ask a million questions.

    Since Brittany said she would be out of the house by the end of the week I figured that meant by Friday morning it would be safe to return. Waiting to noon was a precaution just in case.

    When I arrived at the house it looked foreign and for the first time I wonder what I would do with it. I have only had it for a year but during that whole year Brittany was there. She helped me pick it out, she was there when I signed the mortgage papers, and she decorated each and every room. This house was one hundred percent Brittany. Keeping it would be a daily reminder of the pain she caused me but even worse of all the happy memories we had together. So while I hate her I can also miss her. That is the most horrible thing I could imagine.

    Looks like Brittany has been keeping up with the lawn. More than likely she hired someone to do it. Walking through the front door it smells familiar, like home and my heart breaks a little more. I have been wanting this day since the day I left six months ago and now that it is here it is tainted. I notice the bags by the door first, the set I bought Brittany before our first big trip together, Louis Vuitton, it cost a fortune. And then I heard the clicking of heels coming down the hall, damn it.

    "AHHH," Brittany screamed when she rounded the corner and I came into focus. I brush it off that she screamed because she wasn't expecting anyone not because I look like a homeless person ready to kill someone. I know I look a mess, I have been in the bottom of the bottle all week and I don't remember the last time I bathed or took care of myself.

    "Cut the dramatics it's just me. Are you about done?"

    "Actually I was doing my last rounds before leaving."

    "I didn't see your car out front, I thought you had already took off."

    "Tony took the first load of my stuff in my car while I finished up. He should be back in a few minutes."

    I didn't respond, mostly because I didn't want to show the answer would hurt me.

    "What you not going to ask who Tony is?"

    "It isn't any of my business anymore."

    She just huffed and put her hand on her hip staring me down. She always liked when she could make me jealous and it seems like that hadn't changed just because we are no longer together.

    "I do have one question for you."

    "Alright I will bite."    

    "Did you ever love me?"

    She just continues to stare at me. I don't know why I asked it but I felt like I needed to know. I don't know what the answer I wanted was or if it would make things better or worse. Maybe I just wanted to know that the last couple years wasn't a lie. As I stare at her I start to wonder if she will even answer.

    "I don't have anything to lose so I will tell you the truth. I was head over heels with you when we first got together. You made me feel so special, taking me places, showing me off to your friends and before you proposed I contemplated breaking it off with you. You became less attentive and you just weren't the person I fell in love with. But then you proposed and the proposal was so grand I felt like you were that same man again so I said yes. Leading up to the wedding with you being on leave you gave me all your time again and I was happy. But then you deployed. Even before the deployment the weekend of the cabin you felt more distant than usual and I think I know why," she said turning her head to the side giving me a look like she could see straight through me.

    "Why is that?"

    "Because you never truly loved me."

    "That is bullshit. I loved you, I married you because I was in love with you and I never planned on getting married. My world revolved around you, anything you wanted you got it. We would be having a different experience right now, I would be showing you the love I have for you, if you didn't throw it all away like it didn't matter. Were you going to tell me, were you going to keep pretending and keep a side piece. What were your plans when I got home? Because you were all over me when I got off the plane."

    "I honestly didn't have a plan. I care for you and I wanted to be there when you got home. Do I know if I planned on staying, no I didn't. I didn't know what I wanted to do but you were treating me the way I wanted to be treated again. But Miller, your heart has never been yours wholly to give. If you would open your eyes, like I did you would see that. You are in love with Sam. She will be the end of all your relationships because you are too scared to ruin your friendship with her."

    "I do love Sam. She is my best friend I will always love her."

    "But you don't love her like a friend. I saw the pain on your face when you heard she might be moving in with Marcus. She loves him, I can see it, but she loves you too. I know I hurt you but I still want you to be happy, even though I don't want you to be. I don't know how to explain it. If you go to her now you still might have a chance."

    "Do I look like I want to start something new? Look at me I am broken!"

    "I know you are and I am sorry I did that to you. Will you wish me happiness too?"

    "One day, maybe, but not today."

    As soon as the words left my mouth we hear a car horn honk. Brittany walks towards me, stopping she gives me a kiss on the cheek and then bends down and picks up her luggage and walks out the door. What the f**k was all that? Obviously Brittany just informed me she is a self b***h that only wanted me when I made the world revolve around her but then at the same time she wished me happiness and told me to go after another woman. I need a drink.