My Sweet

LIV

With a lot of effort I open my eyes.

Where the hell am I?

I lift my head trying to recognize something..

"There she is. Hey sleepy head.." Em looks horrible. Bloodshot puffy eyes.

"You look like s**t, what did you do last night?"

"I had a run in with Mr Jameson. He was full of promises. All I got was a hangover and puffy eyes."

We both laugh. We are trying to ignore the real topic.

"How are you Sis?"

"I don't know. At least nobody got hurt this time. I did something about it. I'm as good as I can be." I really don't know how I feel yet. I remember what happened. After that there is only bits and pieces..

"What do you want to do? You want to go home?" I shake my head..

"First I need a shower. Think the police is coming sometime this morning."

"I put all your stuff in his bathroom and your clothes are in the closet. James, said we can stay here as long as we want. "

There's a knock on the door.

"You ladies decent?" James calls.

Em opens the door.

"She just woke up. Mmmm is that espresso?"

"Yours are in the kitchen. Just made it."

James closes the door behind Em.

"Morning, Sweet"

"Hey"

He bent down to capture my mouth. I turn my head.

"Oh no, morning breath. No way I'm kissing you!"

"Hey woman..." He catches my chin and turn my head back to his..

"I don't care.. " He kisses me a little harder than usual. Like it's a necessity..

"How did you sleep, Sweet?"

"Why do you call me Sweet?"

"That day I heard you laugh... Everything just seems sweeter. My coffee that morning was sweeter, my chocolate chip cronut. I could see colors again. You had that ridiculous bright pink nail polish on, the coffee shops sign was lilac. I never saw it. I heard sounds I forgot. You just brought everything that's sweet back to me."

I pull him down on top of me. I need him so badly. He feels the same as I do.

He is my breath. My heartbeat..

We kiss with desperation.

We need each other to exist..

To live...

To love..

I take off his t-shirt. He hesitates a bit, he looks into my eyes. Just making sure I'm of sound mind..

"Sweet, you sure?"

"Yes, yes, yes.." I sit up start nibbling on his n****e. James grunts with pleasure.

He pushes me back, in one swoop my shirt is lying on the floor.

"Jaysis almighty.. Sweet you are f*****g gorgeous"

"Show me how gorgeous.."

"My pleasure.." He smiles one of his special smiles.

He starts kissing my jaw. His hands exploring my body, like a valuable treasure. His touch turn my skin on fire.

Fuck, I haven't felt this need, this fire inside me for a long long time..

He kisses me down to my breast.

He is kissing, licking, biting my nipple.. I writhe underneath him.

I need release..

I need him inside me..

"Mielies! The cop is here!" Em shouting.

"f**k, we can't catch a break, can we?"

James moans..

I start giggling.

"Coming Em. Give me ,10!"

James kisses me one more time..

Along salacious and delicious, toe curling kiss.

"I need some cooling off time"

James heads for the bathroom.

I jump up with the goofy smile on my face.

Nothing can dampen my mood.

Boy was I wrong...

~

"Mrs. Nolan, I'm Constable Spector."

The young man shake my hand.

"Hello Constable. Please sit, James will be here in a moment."

He looks at Em, who is standing at the fireplace.

"This is my sister, Em."

He shakes her hand and stands near the couch.

Katie bring all our drinks. Mister Spector is looking at her with a lot of interest.

He even blushes when she gives him his coffee.

Hmm, should I meddle?

James joins us. He has ripped jeans on and a white linen shirt. He just looks fuckable..

Constable Spector asks me a couple of questions and I give him a statement of what happened. Or until I can remember.. My last memory was the gunshot, then James and I sitting on the pavement.

"Thanks Mrs. Nolan. We got the gun ran it through the database. It belonged to a Jessica McFadden. We arrested her and she confessed to hiring the two boys."

James visibly tense up. I stand up, put my arm around him. I know the guilt he is going to feel. He has to know I don't blame him.

"She is quite a weird one..." the constable continues.

"...as soon as we arrested her she confessed. Not one question was asked, was like she was bragging about what she did."

He looks real puzzled.

"Where is she now?" James ask terse.

"In jail. Her mother said she wants nothing to do with her. She did call a..." He is looking through his notebook.

" Mandla Bu...the..lezi, something like that"

"Mandla? Our Mandla?" I ask in shock. James and I are both confused and baffled.

"Well, we questioned Mr. But.. Mandla. He met her at the party. She said you were acquaintances but he didn't ask how.."

"Wait. He never met her before?"

I look at James.

"No. I met him a year ago.."

"Anyhow, as far as we can tell he doesn't have anything to do with the hijacking. We had to let him go. "

"Did Mandla help her?" James looks so disappointed. Another shitty friend.. I rub his back, trying to calm him down.

"No. When he heard what happened he genuinely looked shocked. He said she made a comment like ' What do you say we rattle those two up..' He thought she was talking about pulling a prank on you"

"Why? Why would she do something like this? I know she's jealous but this, this is something else.."

Katie is very upset. No, she is pissed..

"She said she was provoked. You, Mrs. Nolan, harassed her and after she asked you to leave her and Mr O'Brien alone, you still pursued him.."

"What? I provoked her?" I feel the blood drain from my face.. I hear my heartbeat in my ears..

It's me.. Me again.

James, Katie and Em all start to protest.

The constable lift his hand to quiet them down.

"We know it's not true. Mrs. Nolan is not to blame for this."

They are all still talking.. I don’t hear a thing...

Breath Liv, breath..

There are so many things running through my head..

It's all a mashup of last night and the day Chris died...

I need space..

Air to breath..

Clear my head..

I'm the reason James almost died.. I'm sorry.. I'm sorry...

He's not dead... I can fix this..

I hear the constable leave. I slowly and quietly stand up. I need to fix this..

"Liv, Sweet. You OK?" James sees I'm in shock.

"I'm fine. I just need to go lie down for awhile.. James... I'm sorry.."

"Liv this is not your fault!"

I go to his room .. Close the door and start packing. Tears rolling down my face.

I'll fix this... He'll be safe..

"Sis, sis!" Em is trying to get my attention. I'm focused. I'm on the mission.

I can save James..

I can fix this..

Em shakes me so I can look at her..

"Liv. What's going on?"

"Didn't you hear? It's me.. Again! I put him in danger.. ME!"

"Hey, what did Doc Nielen say.. Come talk to me.."

"I'm not responsible for others choices." I recite what was my mantra three years ago..

"Now did you hire those boys? Did you put a gun in their hands?"

"No but I'm the reason she did it? If I just listened to my head this never would've happened.. I'm fixing this.. He will be safe again." My heart is breaking..

"Are you going to tell him why?"

"No, he'll get over me and it will all be good"

"Liv, that's just not right.. That man loves you."

"Look at me Em, I can't even keep myself together to pack my stuff! How can I be in this... whatever this is.. relationship.."

"OK. I get that. So, you want to leave?"

"I have to. I need my humans and Nielen."

"I called her this morning. She's waiting for us.. As soon as you are ready she's there.." She hugs me tighter than usual.

"I'll go book our flights.."

~

I hear mumbling outside the door.

I stand nearby to hear more clearly.

"She can't possibly think that she's to blame. I don't understand it.."

"Yes, she thinks she put you in danger. James, this go so much deeper. Just let her be. Nothing you say is going to make it better. She needs to go home.." I hear James gasp.

"You leaving? You can't leave.. "

"Jesus James.. She's gonna kill me but.. She had the same guilt when Chris died.. wait let me finish.. when the fuckers got them out of the car she started to back chat them.. she never stand back from a fight, especially when it comes to her people.. Her plan was, if the attention was on her then they'll leave Chris alone.. but the one was a little bit edgy.. He snapped, we think he wanted to take her or hit her. That's when Chris jumped in front of her.. and the fucker shot him.. She believed that if she just shut up he'll be alive.. it took her years to grasp that she wasn't to blame.."

"I want to show her I don't blame her.. nobody blames her.."

"You don't get it! It's not what you think or say! It's not what any of us think or say.. that guilt was with her, always, she just accepted it.. Now, to hear that she put you in that position, again.. she has to work through this on her own.. only she can do that.."

"But I want to help.. how can I help..

I'll do anything.."

"Let her go.. Let her heal.."

I collapsed on the floor and start sobbing..

I'm just bad news..

I haven't heard James again. Liv got us a flight late that afternoon. I called the kids, mom, David and Dr Nielen.

My head is not so scrambled anymore.

My heart..

My heart feels like there's a vice grip over it and it squeeze the f*****g life out of it.

I know I have to leave..

I have to look after myself now..

"Are you ready?" Em comes in, sits with me on the bed.

"Yea," I rub my chest. Trying to get rid of this dark aching hole that's there.

"How is he?"

"You heard? He locked himself in his study. Katie is trying to get through to him. "

"I have to go. I'm right? I have to."

"Liv, can you stay here without any guilt?

We both know this is not just what happened last night.. These are wounds that were ripped open again. For you sake.. I know we should go home."

"But it hurts... so much.."

"I know Sis.. You love him.."

"Yes isn't he the unlucky one.."

I stand up, more determined to go home and heal.

"Yo-ho let go!"

But there was no feeling or enthusiasm in it.

I have to do this.. I have to do this..

I say to myself over and over again..

I know he is in his study. Maybe I don't have to say goodbye.

I don't know if that is better or worse..

Why do I feel so shitty? He is alive! I should be happy! Why aren't I happy? I'm doing the right thing here..

Aren't I?

I follow Em and Katie out of the corridor. I'm still talking to myself in my head.

"So you really going to leave? Without saying goodbye?"

I stand still, not sure what to do..

Woman up girl. He deserves so much more.

"I wasn't sure if you want to see me." I whisper. I want to cry but there are no tears left. My voice are tired, my eyes are tired. My brain is tired..

"Sweet." He comes to me. Press his head against mine.

"I'm so sorry you feel this way. Wish I could take it all away. Please, please let me help you."

He starts kissing my face. Small quick kisses..

"This is not your problem James. I have to do this. I won't let you give anything up for me.. I definitely don't deserve it. I need you to be safe.. I need you away from me, so I know you won't get hurt... or die"

"You don't make any sense.. I don't understand.. I'm not in danger, nothing happened!" James starts to get pissed. He turns and pace the living room.

"I'm alive! This is not that day, I did not die! I'm here, I want to love you. Please let me love you. Please!" He says in a cry..

I put my hand on his cheek, I touch his face. I want to remember this beautiful face.

"You'll forget about me in a couple of months..." He shakes his head.

".. You James Edgar O'Brien are a good man, your love is pure and wonderful.. I'll ask you just one thing.. get someone worthy. "

"No, no I won't.. Liv please. It's you that I love. It's you that I want. Don't, don't let your past define you.."

"Don't, you have no idea about my past. James. Who came up with that shit.. Well guess what! My past defines me. And it always will! That's how f****d up I am!"

I turn and walk out the door. Em and Katie is watching me with big wary eyes.

"Sis, you really want to leave it like that? Come on, you know he didn't mean it as a bad thing."

"You heard all that?"

"I think the whole block heard that" Katie answers.

"Feel like I have PMS on steroids. s**t, my emotions are shot.. You go. I'll get you at the car."

They climb in the elevator.

James walks into me.

"I was coming after you."

"I'm sorry. I'm uber b***h today.. James, you have to let me go. I know it's hard. I have to sort this s**t out by myself. You understand that?"

"I know. I don't like it.."

I reach up and kiss him.

He grabs my waist and crushes me against him. This time he knows it's the last kiss.

"I love you. I'll never forget you.." He says in my ear.

"Remember.. No strings, No regret.." I whisper back.

I leave. I actually f*****g leave him..

I sit in the airplane contemplating..

What the f**k have I done..

My heart stopped..

My blood is cold..

My eyes sees nothing but grey..

I hear my heartbeat in my ears..

I have a big aching hole in my chest..

Fuck, I left him..

No strings, No regret my ass!