My Sweet

LIV

"Is it her?" Em pushes the iPad in my face.

"I don't know Em. Told you I didn't see her. I was in shock. She definitely have the wrong person. Nobody knows me here." I try, again, to explain to Em.

"Just look! Maybe it will jog your memory." She is so stressed or pissed. I don't know the difference anymore.

I take a look. It's a picture of a gorgeous woman. Tall, blonde. Perfect lips, perfect cheekbones, perfect hips, perfect boobs, perfect hair.

"Who is that?" I feign interest.

"That, Liv, is Jessica. James' shitty girlfriend, Jessica"

"James' Jessica? Oh wow! She is gorgeous. Looks a bit uptight."

I'm a bit disappointed. I'm definitely not his type.

"So, is it her?"

" I don't know! She smelled awful, like a perfume bottle exploded on her."

I shudder..

" Come on Em, time to get dressed. We going to meet his sister too, Katie." I'm trying to distract her.

"Ooh, meeting the sister already. Thing are looking up Liv." She giggles and opens the closet.

"You have to look stunning! Knock that man out of his socks."

"No, no, no. I'm wearing my jeans and a T. Thank you very much. I'm not going to a pub with any of your night club outfits.

And by the way, nothing's going to happen. I can't.. Not yet.. I'm not ready.." It's still hard to talk about it.

"Liv, you have to start living again. Chris would be so pissed at you! Don't you want what you had? Or at least try?"

Em is a total romantic. She sees love and fairy tales and happy endings everywhere. I'm not. I never believed in Prince Charming, or fairy tales.

"Em, please. I know what Chris wanted for me. But he is dead. I'm the one left behind. It doesn't help that I still feel married, feels like I'm cheating on him.. I know he is dead, but in my heart I'm still married. I don't know how to change that." I try to explain, I'm getting frustrated.

" By the way, I already had my one and only. There won't be another. I had the my love. It'll be selfish to want another." I wipe the one tear away.

"OK, let's get ready and go show these people how us SA girls can party" Em changes the subject, but leave me with this.

"Liv, just be upfront with him. He really likes you."

My mind is running wild. I can't stop thinking about his imperfect, lopsided smile. Those couple of hours in the coffee shop was the first time in 3 years I haven't thought about Chris constantly. I'm so confused.

I'm excited to see him again..

I feel so guilty about it.