The Broken Mirror

Feeling Good

I stand in a naked dorm room, trying to figure out where to put the box I am carrying. Nowhere looks good. Apollo follows in behind me with his box in his arms. His face covered in hair. My little brother, looking like puberty is officially over, and he looks like a younger version of my father. "What is growing out of your face?"

"I decided it was time for a change," he tells me putting down this box. "I couldn't come to college looking like a high schooler." No one would assume he was in high school. He looked like a grown man. His hair a sandy-brown color and skin that is a couple of shades darker than me. His voice is deep, and he towers over me.

"I don't know if I like this," I say to him. Gabrielle walks in with another box placing it down. She looks at him with appreciative eyes, obviously hearing some of our conversation.

"Puberty has been really good to him," she says out loud. She winks at him and I must hold back from fighting her. Not my little brother.

"Down girl!" I yell at her. She laughs at me.

"I quite like the look. You look dignified, baby," Cookie says entering the room. The only one not holding a box. Apollo blushes at her compliment. Ethan and Xavier struggle to come in with the massive boxes they carry.

"Dude! What do you have in here?" Ethan cries out.

"He's like his sister," Xavier responds. Gabrielle laughs at the two of them.

"High maintenance?" She adds to their verbal jabs of us.

Glaring at Xavier for betraying me, I expect this from Ethan and Gabrielle. "Et Tu, Xavier?" They place down the boxes and Xavier comes over and kisses my cheek.

"Now are you sure you don't want to stay with me?" Cookie offers for the hundredth time. Apollo shakes his head no.

"I'm quite sure, Cookie," he tells her.

"Can't bring girls over with his grandma down the hall," my father says with my mother trailing behind him. She looks healthy and happy. She's been home for a few days now, and I could not be prouder of her.

"Exactly why he needs to stay with me," Cookie argues.

"Or you could end up catching him between some girl's legs," I tell her. She gives me a horrified look.

"Si! You aren't helping!" Apollo yells at me. My friends and I laugh. Ethan walks over to Apollo and places his hand on his shoulder.

"It's good to have you here, bro!" Ethan tells him. I look around the room, even though a couple of people are missing. I am looking at my support system, the people I have chosen to do life with. I cannot help but smile.

"So, I have something to show you all," I announce to everyone. They all look to me. My father walks over and goes into a bag he was carrying. He takes out a massive rolled-up poster. He opens it up and presents them with the cover to my demo. It's Xavier's portrait of me sleeping. "Introducing, From Nike With Love."

Xavier steps forward to admire what I've done with his artwork. His face is expressionless as he reaches out to touch it. He slowly begins to smile. "You chose my sketch?" I smile nodding my head.

"This demo was all about everything I went through this year, and you were a major part of that. You had to be a part of it," I explain to him. I take his hand. "This represents what we both went through." He pulls me into him, kissing my forehead. My family, and that's what I'm going to call all of them, come closer to admire the poster. "We have more back at the house!" I announce to them.

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I wake up to the smell of pancakes invading my nostrils. It's a glorious smell and I know it must be Gabrielle's. My body feels like it's been run over by a truck thanks to rehearsal from the night before. I open my eyes to see Xavier sitting on the edge of his bed with two plates of breakfast. "What is all of this?"

He moves over so we can sit next to each other over our breakfast. He kisses my cheek. "It's been a year since you knocked my lunch out of my hand."

"You are never going to forget that?" I ask him. He shakes his head nuzzling my nose.

"Why would I? I met the most amazing woman that day. I thought the best way to celebrate this, is if we just take the entire day for ourselves," he tells me. I smile and dig into the breakfast he has set before us. It's delicious and I enjoy every drop. "Are you ready for your performance?"

"Very much so." When breakfast is over, he lets me know I need to get dressed and have my bathing suit with me.

We get into his truck and I look at the back seat to see things covered up with a blanket.

"You are full of surprises today, huh?"

"You ain't seen nothing yet," he says to me. I take his phone while he drives and goes through his phone playlist and play us some songs to sing to and enjoy each other's company. He drives us to Whiskey Joe's. He parks in the parking lot to the beach and begins to unpack his truck. It's not a beach most people choose to go to, but I know why he brought me here.

I follow him out to the beach, and we set up our area. We take our seat on the sand, sitting in silence for a while. We watch people enjoy the beach. I place my head on his shoulder, relishing the moment. We have not been back here since I told him I did not want to be friends with him months ago. I'm more than his friend now.

"I called my mom," he reveals to me. I raise my head to look at him. "She was excited to hear my voice." I place my head back, to listen to him talk. "I'm going to take her out to lunch in a few days and talk with her. Give this forgiveness stuff a try." I smile listening to him open to changing one of his worst personality traits.

"I'm proud of you," I genuinely respond. It seems I was not the only one who has been changing because of this relationship. I lift my head, again to look him in his eyes. "I know it does not mean she will change, but the amount of good you could do by just being there for her." He wraps his arms around me and pulls me back to his chest.

"Only Ashley supports me in this," he tells me.

"Don't worry about the rest of them. I'm not telling you; you have to have a relationship with her, just that you need to be more understanding." He kisses my forehead. I settle into his arms. Oh, how our lives can change. This conversation would have never happened a year ago. I would have told him he was justified in how he felt. The burns on his back being the proof he needs to stay away from his mother.

He plays with my hair for a little bit and then decides to get up. He pulls off his shirt, not afraid to show off what has happened to him. I watch him, appreciating what I see. "Let's take a walk in the water." He holds out his hand to get me to my feet. When I stand, I take off the dress that I was using to cover up my bikini. He grabs my hand again and leads me out to the water.

The water does not go higher than right above our knees as we walk holding hands. "I know I sing about how I feel about you, but I know I have not said it, yet," I begin to say. "I don't think you doubt it. While I was away, I remember talking to Roberts and telling him how you felt like home. You've always felt like that."

"Seriously? Even when I tormented you?" He asks me. I laugh and we stop walking through the water.

"Not really then, but I remember the first time we met, and I mentioned something about my sister, and you gave me this empathetic look and I was shocked by it," I explain. He scrunches up his face in confusion.

"You remember a look I gave you? I knew you wanted me then," he laughs. I swat at him.

"I didn't want you, just thought you were hot, but I also wanted to punch you in the face," I answer, and he grabs at his chest as if I stabbed him in the heart. "I know heartbreaking. But seriously, you have changed me in so many ways and I just know that I'm so in love with you." I wrap my arms around his shoulders, and he lowers his face to mines, kissing me deeply.

"With that, I have something to ask you," he says to me. My heart begins to pound with the way he is looking at me. "Ethan is moving out soon and you practically live there most of the time. I don't want to come home anymore and you are not there. I want you to move in."

He pulls something out of his pocket and its ring box. I can feel my heart drop to the bottom of my stomach. "Is that what I think it is?"

"Not exactly. We have one wedding to worry about. However, I know my goal is to make you my wife, and this is a promise to do just that. I picture my future with you. I picture children with you. When I think about getting old, you are right there beside me," he answers with the most adoring look in his eyes. He opens the box and a ring that is shaped into wings is before me, with a diamond set in the middle. He takes the ring out of the box and places it on my right hand, instead of my left.

I stare at the ring full of promises. Promises to be loved by him always. That our future together starts today with this promise. I know him with his promises, he believes in keeping them. This is a promise I want to keep.

The last time we were here I did not want any of this. I did not even want to be his friend, because I was afraid. Afraid that if I put my heart out there, it would get trampled on, because I was not truly deserving. But there is no such thing as a person not deserving love. We all deserve love, and that's the problem with this world, we are all love deprived.

I refuse to live that life anymore.

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There is this strange phenomenon that comes with performing, it's called the nervous pee. I've gone to the bathroom several times, in the last couple of hours. Rehearsals are over. It's time to shine. Mr. Peters and the other music execs are getting themselves ready, and I'm in a dressing room with my family and friends, all here to support me.

Cookie leads us all in prayer. I'm hoping it calms my nerves, but it doesn't. My dad is confident about my performance. I stand here with both of my parents supporting me. I did not think this day would come. Gabrielle clanks her glass to get everyone's attention. They all turn to her as she stands on a chair, trying to look like the tallest person in the room.

"I know the show has not even begun, yet, but I just want to say to Siren. It has been a year since you stepped into our lives. It's been a rollercoaster with you, but a ride I would not get off. We love you, E, Kris, Brit, and obviously X. You have become my sister and I know tonight you are about to rock it! To Siren!" Everyone raises their hands yelling my name. A big goofy grin starts on my face, and my cheeks getting hot.

I never thought I would be here. I thought I would be in a grave by now, but instead, I am surrounded by love. My parents are here, getting along better than they ever have. Cookie and Apollo, being who they have always been. My friends, Gabrielle, Ethan, Kristin, Brittany, Roberts, and Tyler being my support. Of course, my love, Xavier Watts. Who stands next to me this whole time, knowing I am freaking out.

"You will do amazing," he whispers to me, then kisses my cheek. "No matter what. I know how talented you are. I'd love you without it, for a thousand years." Referencing the song that is now, I guess, our song. Roberts walks over to me and nods to Xavier. The two of them finally meeting.

"I know you were asking me about Kline. I found out she went back in," he informs me. My heart sinks a bit. I had not heard from her, and I wanted to have her here at the show since she helped with some of my songs when I could not write. I pat his shoulder, knowing he's feeling the pain I feel.

"Thank you for letting me know. I'll reach out to her," I tell him.

"She would love that," he says patting my shoulder. The reality of knowing most of us are not success stories sets in. It took me twice, and I still have my life to live every day, knowing that there is a possibility that I could end up like Kline. It took Roberts several times. My mother and Xavier's mom are middle-aged women still suffering. Now I know when I go out there to perform, I will do it as a face of hope to all those who suffer.

"Five minutes to call time," I hear the stagehand yell to us. My family and friends all hug me one final time. Xavier is the last to leave, giving me a kiss that soothes me. His kisses always knowing what I need.

"I'll see you afterward," he says, holding onto me for a second longer. If I could carry him onto the stage I would. He leaves the room and I take the deepest breath I could muster. Tyler walks over and wraps his arm around my shoulder.

"He's not so bad," he says to me. I roll my eyes. "Let's go knock 'em dead!"

We all go out onto the dark stage. I find my place marker with the mic in my hand. I hold a pose with my back towards the audience. A spotlight appears only on me. I hear my earbuds queue me to start singing. "Oh, oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah," I sing out and the lights come up on stage to reveal my entire band.

"Yeah," my backup singers sing, holding onto the note for a while.

"I get a feeling that I never, never, never, never had before, no, no," I growl out at the top of my lungs.

"Yeah," my backup singers repeating the same note. I turn around to the audience. 

"And I just wanna tell you right now that I."

"Ooo," they sing in response.

"I believe, I really do believe that," I sing before the music picks up. My dancers appear and we begin to perform, Something's Got A Hold on Me by Etta James. We dance like it's the 1960's. My aim is to only have fun. Dancing around the stage and doing my own moves when it suits the performance. The audience loving every minute of it.

"Let me tell you now. I've never felt like this before. Something's got a hold on me that won't let go. I believe I'd die if I only could. I feel so strange but it sure is good," I sing, the words of this song feeling like the story of my life right now. A girl who refused to fall in love, and here I am, in love. It's a love that I needed, a love that has helped me to grow as a person. It's the best type of love when you want to become someone better than you already were.

My performance goes amazingly well. Most of the songs I sing are my own. I have quite a few that are fun like the Etta James song, and others are sultry and sexy. I perform Elvis' song and the dance I worked on. I, of course, throw in some more classics, because would it really be a Siren performance without it? I finish up the last few words to You Know I'm No Good. I love to engage my audience, so I turn to them.

"To my mother's displeasure, Amy Winehouse was one of my favorites, and in recent years I could really relate to her, and before you ask, no I will not perform Rehab," the audience begins to laugh. "I had to go through my own struggles with addiction, so this next song, I wrote was inspired by the last time I used."

The band begins' to play the opening to my song, which is the haunting intro to Brahms' symphony. "Your love is tainted. Your love is cruel. Having me curse every saint. Their voices calling me a fool," I sing, and the drums pick up and turn the song into a much jazzier sound. As the band plays, dancers come out and perform. "You're the fever in my veins. I have only myself to blame. There is victory in my escape. Your lies will be erased."

"China girl," I cry out with all my might. "China girl stop calling my name! China girl, china girl, no longer the cause of my shame." My years as an addict play out in my head. Tears begin to run down my cheeks as I continue to sing. "Your love only kills. Your love cannot fill. Having me become a mess. When all I wanted was to be blessed."

I repeat the bridge of the song and the chorus several times. I won't allow the emotions to diminish my voice. I sing to destroy the chains of addiction in my life. I sing to become more than just a pretty face. As the song ends, I get a standing ovation. I bow to the crowd. I'm not done, I have one more song, but I feel like I conquered more than just this performance.

I accomplished my dreams and the little girl I saw in that mirror that day, she could not be prouder of me. When the audience quiets down, I go over to the piano and set up my mic.

"You have all been amazing, and I am so sad it is almost over, but I just want to end this night to let you all know, I am feeling good," I tell them. They clap, ready for me to sing. "Birds flying high you know how I feel. Sun in the sky you know how I feel. Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel. It's a new dawn. It's a new day. It's a new life for me yeah. It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, Oh, And I'm feeling good."

I begin to play the keys to the song as I sing, and the audience joins in my joy by singing along. I came to this place for a new life. I did not get what I thought I wanted. I wanted to be left alone, to wallow in my own self-pity. Get in and get out, was what I wanted. Maybe a few people to hang out with, but I have something different. I have freedom. I have love.

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When Ethan moves out, Xavier and I take over his room, allowing us more space. I packed up my room and moved in with my love. I chose to leave my sister's mirror in the closet. I don't need it anymore. If I want to see her, I can look at photos of her beautiful face. That mirror represents a dark time in my life and I'd rather keep it in that closet.

My first night living with Xavier and Gabrielle, that time of night rolled around. I need water. We forgot to bring water in the room and now I'm thirsty. I get out of bed and head to the kitchen to get me a bottle of water. I drink in the kitchen, thinking about my first time in here and our awkward confrontation.

"Sorry, I forgot to bring water in the room," Xavier says to me, pulling me out of my thoughts. I look up to see him walk into the kitchen. I look down at the ring on my right hand, knowing that if he had truly asked, I probably would have still said yes.

"It's okay," I respond to him. I climb onto the kitchen island. He stands next to me drinking his bottle. I pull on him so he can stand in between my legs. I pull his bottle away from his mouth. "We've done a lot of things in this kitchen in the middle of the night."

He runs his fingers through my hair, staring at me with wonder in his eyes. I cannot help but smile at him. My future stands before me, holding me. I slip off my shirt and press my breasts against his bare chest, lacing my arms around his neck. He lowers his face to mines and captures my mouth in a ravenous kiss. He makes love to me on the kitchen island.

Life is funny. You have these ideas of who you are going to be. When you dream of these things, there are certain people you know will be there. Before this year, I saw myself growing old alone. No man at my side, because I did not want it. Yet, Xavier Watts has been my saving grace.

This girl, one half of a set of mirror twins, who was totally broken, has been made whole in love.