The Broken Mirror

Work Song

March 1st, 2017...

I lay in my hospital bed with the sheets pulled away and my belly exposed. A bandage covering the wound that has been healing. I stare at the bandage, proof my sister is dead. Proof I caused her to die. I cannot even run my hands over it, because of how bad it hurts. They have been giving me morphine to help with the pain and it just doesn't feel like it's enough.

When I woke up a few hours ago, I was in such a state of panic they had to give me a Valium so I would calm down. No one was there when I woke up. I was in a hospital room alone. Was I abandoned? Is my guilt for what I did so bad, that my parents could not even be here? I've been crying off and on since the staff told me my sister did not make it and that they would contact my family to let them know I was awake. I thought they would come running, but they haven't.

I hear a loud knock, probably the nurse with my next dose of morphine. The door opens and my father and Apollo rush in. They surround me.

"We tried to get here as soon as possible!" Apollo tells me. I look past them to see if my mother was lagging behind, but she doesn't enter.

"Where's mom?" I ask them. Apollo and my father share a look that I cannot put my finger on. "What are you not telling me? She's okay right?"

My dad nods his head, looking like he does not want to say what he has to say. "She took Calypso's death really hard. She's been in bed since the funeral. She won't get out of bed unless she has to use the bathroom." I take a deep breath, feeling like another wave of crying is about to start. I cannot cry. My dad rubs my cheek. I grab his hand.

"I need more morphine. I am in a lot of pain," I partially lie. He nods his head and leaves to get a nurse.

September 13th, 2017...

I open my eyes to see my father, Apollo, and Cookie sitting in a very white room. I am hooked up to machines and I cannot speak. Something is down my throat. They all jump up when they notice my eyes are open.

"I'll get a nurse!" Apollo says running out of the room. Cookie and my father both come to me. My father rubbing my hair, seeing the panic in my eyes.

"It's okay, you are in the hospital. You OD in your bathtub, you've been in a coma since then," he informs me. That did not help the panic at all. Cookie kisses my forehead to help soothe me. Yet, I'm laying there trying to figure out why my own mother is not there. Apollo reappears with a nurse and she looks at my vitals and nods.

"I'll be back to get the doctor, we need to get that breathing tube out of her throat," she tells them. They all stand around me for a while, talking about what all has happened since I overdosed. My dad tells me about some of the shows he's done, but he tried not to be gone too long because he did not want a repeat of what happened last time, where I woke up alone.

I feel like there is something they aren't telling me. The doctors come in eventually and remove everything and my throat hurts, but I won't be getting any pain meds. "Where's mom?" I ask, my voice is very raspy. I hope my voice is not ruined. Like last time, they all look at each other as if something horrible happened.

"She was pulled away for one of my shows, some issue or something," my father says, but I can hear him lying. "There is something else I need to tell you." I don't want to talk so I use my face to ask what. He takes a deep breath. "They revoked your bail. When you get out of here, you won't be coming home."

Thanksgiving 2017...

"You should be out by the New Year. The lawyers are working on getting you into rehab, instead of being stuck in here," my father informs me. I sit across from my father and Apollo, wearing the most uncomfortable jumpsuit. They try to make small talk with me. We have an hour to speak to each other. I cannot focus on what all they are saying to me. They visit me every week, and yet again, my mother has not made an appearance. I have not seen her in months. The anger is building up in me. I want to yell at them and ask where she is, but I know they'll feed me more bullshit about why she cannot be there.

She does not have the heart to tell me to my face that she blames me for Calypso's death, but she doesn't have to. Her actions say otherwise. I smile and nod as they tell me about what all is going to go on without me this day. We should be in our home in Tampa, celebrating with Cookie like we do every year, but no one wants to be in that house when Calypso will not be there.

"Alexander, your visit is over," the guard calls for me. I hug my dad and brother and turn to go back to hell. When I get through the doors, I must be stripped search to make sure they did not sneak me any contraband. It is the most demoralizing thing. "She's clear." I hear the bell go off and I'm let back into the general population.

I sit at a table wanting to mind my business. This is how I've survived the last couple of months. I hate it here with a passion. Some of the ladies are nice, and those are the ones who do not belong here. Falsely accused, now there are others; I stay clear of them.

"What's the matter Snow Bunny?" I hear one of the inmates say to me. I look up at this chick whose hair is braided. I hate that phrase with a passion. It's what they call me. Someone joked I looked like Jessica Rabbit without the massive boobs. They then suggested to rearrange my face. I ignore the comment. "b***h! I'm talking to you."

"But I'm not f*****g talking to you," I respond to her. I know it's the wrong thing to say, but I'm still hot about my mother still not coming to see me.

"What the f**k you just said to me?" I suck my teeth at her. "Don't suck your teeth at me. I got my ass beat for less, what makes you think you are so special." I stand up from the table. I face her because if I back down, it makes me fair game for others to try me later. I know the rules here. It's predator or prey, not in between. I've been trying to stay there, but I knew my number would be called one day.

"Your mama thinks this p***y is special, b***h," the rest of the women begin to gather around us. This inmate, I don't know her name, but she's been eyeing me for weeks now. I guess she sees how low I feel right now, but it's anger, not sadness and I'm ready to take out my anger on someone.

"b***h you gonna lose those pretty teeth for that!" She c***s her fist back and I dodge her swing and go to uppercut her, while she's recovering from her missed swing. The other inmates are yelling at us. We leap towards each other, punching and clawing at each other. She punches me in my right side, and I crumble from the pain. She seizes the opportunity to try and knee me, but I recover and charge at her using my legs to knock her on the floor. I see my mother as I stare in her face and begin choking her. She beats on my arms and I hear the other inmates scurrying away. The guards grab me to pull me off her.

I'm thrown into isolation. Which is where I stay until my lawyers can send me to rehab.

March 1st, 2018...

I walk out of the rehabilitation center with a bag full of my stuff. My father and Apollo stand at our SUV that waits to take me home. I cry when I see them. I'm free. Of course, someone is missing, she's always missing. I have not seen my mother in seven months. We had family sessions she refused to attend. My dad always giving some bullshit reason for her absence.

He can see it in my face that I want to ask where she is, but I won't this time. I don't want him to lie to me, again. It's been a year since I first woke up. A lot has happened. A lot I have somehow survived and I feel so undeserving of it. Somehow, I'm not suicidal, but if something was to take my life right now, I would not want anyone to save me. I cheated death twice, and I believe that the third time will not happen. I don't want it to happen.

I hug them, and we stand there, holding each other. It's over. I did my time.

March 1st, 2019...

I get up out of Gabrielle's bed and go to the kitchen. When I sleep in Xavier's room, he just keeps water in there for me, so I don't have to leave his room. I go into the refrigerator and pull out two water bottles. I sit on the kitchen counter waiting for him. Xavier sleepily walks into the kitchen. He stops when he sees me.

"Ready to talk to me?" I ask him. He grabs the water bottle that sits next to me. He leans back on the island and drinks the water, pretending I'm not there. "So, you're going to continue to take your anger out on me. Fine." I hop down and go to walk out of the kitchen, but he grabs my arm and pulls me back.

He lifts me up onto the island and rests his head on my shoulder. I wrap an arm around him and use the other to play in his hair. He always does this for me, so I know it will soothe him. I kiss his forehead. I can feel my shoulder getting wet as he lets out a silent cry. I kiss his face some more.

Then I move to get off the top of the counter. I take him by his hand and lead him back to his room. I pull back the covers and lay down. I hold my arms out to him and he lays in my arms, resting his head on my chest. I caress his head until he falls asleep and then I follow behind him.

The next couple of weeks go by quickly and I find myself back on the Davis' Islands, awaiting the return of my family. Apollo is here to look at a few universities here. Xavier stands beside me, as we both stand on the steps of my family's estate. My grandmother stands on the other side of me watching as the car pulls up to the front of steps.

The car door is opened by the driver and my parents climb out. My grandmother heads down the steps towards them shouting their names in excitement. My mother grabs her and hugs her. I stand here watching as they greet each other lovingly.

"You're not going to go down and greet them?" He asks me. I shake my head no.

"Not in the mood to be insulted," I answer him. He wraps his arms around my waist. Apollo climbs out of the black SUV and looks up at me and grins. He looks even taller than the last time I saw him. Any more and he might be the same height as Xavier. He runs up the steps.

"If you are not a sight for sore eyes!" He yells, sounding like an old man.

"Oh, I missed you, too," I say hugging and kissing my little brother. His arms feel bigger than before and I just want to know where the little scrawny guy went. He lifts me off the ground and puts me back down. He steps back and smirks at Xavier.

"She's not driving you crazy, is she?" He asks Xavier. They both laugh.

"Of course, she is."

"Hey! You're no picnic, dude," I respond to him, making the guys laugh even harder.

"I just remember her saying she did not know where her relationship was with you," Apollo tells him.

"She knew then what she wanted," Xavier says with too much confidence. I swat at Xavier on the top of his arm.

"Keep going and I'll hit the back of your head," I tell him. He pretends to be scared and I chuckle at his silliness.

"What is so funny?" My father says, walking towards us on the steps. I hug and kiss him when he gets close. "Been staying out of trouble?"

"What's your definition of trouble?" Xavier jokes. My dad does not look amused.

"Xavier, correct?" My father asks him, and I know he knows who he is. It's to make him sweat for his bad joke.

"Yes, sir," Xavier says sounding militant. I try not to laugh at him.

"Taking good care of her, I hope."

"Excellent care," I reply to my father's statement. I smile at Xavier. He has truly been amazing to me. My mother and grandmother make it up the stairs. I hold my breath, waiting for my mother to greet me.

"It's nice seeing you again, Xavier," She says this with no true emotion. She walks past me and into the house. My heart begins to pound. This visit cannot be good. She's never ignored me to my face. The rest of my family walk inside but Xavier holds me back.

"Say the word, and I'll have you out of here."

"Running from this won't help any." We both walk inside the house and head to my bedroom. Xavier jumps his big body onto my bed. I turn on music for us to listen to and Hozier's Work Song begins to play. I join him on the bed and lay next to him.

"I could get used to his," he says to me.

"Used to what?" I ask him.

"Living like a king," he responds to me. I laugh at him. "What? You have servants and massive space."

"This is far from being royal. I am NO princess," I say to him.

"But you're a Queen to me," he tells me. I straddle him and smirk at him.

"Am I now? What would you do for your Queen?" I ask him. In one quick movement, he has me underneath him, pinned, kissing my neck.

"Make her scream," he whispers in my ear.

After we take time for ourselves, we both get ready for dinner with my family. Sharing a shower. When we have on fresh clothes, we head down to the smaller dining room since it's just us, tonight. Xavier pulls out my chair and playfully bows to me. I laugh, remembering our conversation from earlier.

He sits next to me and looks down at the table, "Excellent, one of each utensil."

"They didn't wanna have to kick you out for not knowing proper etiquette."

"Are you calling me savage?" He asks me, pretending to be hurt.

"Completely savage...," I lower my voice, "what we just did... lacked etiquette," I finish leaning in to kiss him. I hear my grandmother cough and we both straighten up. I can tell we both are turning red from embarrassment. Were we that loud?

"Lucky, your father isn't down here, yet," she scolds us. I nod to her, trying not to laugh. Xavier rubs on my leg underneath the table and it makes me squirm in seat.

"Don't get me into any more trouble," I whisper to him. He chuckles at the idea. The rest of my family joins the table. My dad sits at the head of the table, opposite Cookie. My mother sits in front of Xavier and Apollo sits in front of me. "So, how was the flight?" I stare at my mother as I ask the question.

"We hit a bit of turbulence, but you know we have the best pilots fly our jets," my father answers me.

Apollo shakes his head and laughs. "Dad, there was no turbulence. Y'know how he is about flying." I giggle at Apollo's revelation. Dinner continues and it's the first dinner I've had with them without any fighting. Might have something to do with my mother's silence. I don't know maybe her keeping her mouth shut is for the best.

Xavier made ticklish circles on my back as we lay naked in my bed. I start humming the song I heard earlier, enjoying the feel of his fingers.

"What are you humming?" He asks me.

"That Hozier song I had playing earlier, thinking about the words," I tell him.

"Why?"

"Cause, I cheated death, twice. How many times can I cheat before it finally claims me?" I ask him.

"I've cheated it once. I think everyone has moments, either once or more, where death comes knocking and we escape it," He answers me. "Why such morbid thoughts?"

"I don't know. It's been more than a year, and I've survived a lot. I used to wish that I didn't. I think the song made me think because I know now, I have so much to live for," I tell him, looking into his eyes. He brings my face closer to his and rubbing my bottom lip with his thumb. He kisses me sweetly. I adjust myself so I can get closer to him, wanting to lose myself to his touch. He climbs on top of me while our tongues dance in each other's mouth. There is no urgency.

His hands explore my body like he's never touched it before. Lingering over my breasts. My legs spread and wrap around his hips. I push my hips into his, letting him know I want more. He stops kissing me and spreads my legs over his shoulders. I feel his warm, wet mouth on my c**t and my back arches on the bed. He stays there for a while, his tongue doing the same motions his fingers were just doing on my back. I let out a few soft moans, but I want more now. I pull on him to come back up. His lips find minds, and I taste myself.

He thrusts his d**k inside of me and moves very slowly. I don't want him to move any faster, just enjoy being in this moment. Enjoying each other's touches. Every movement sends a tingle through my body and I gasp with each thrust. The orgasm builds and I'm trying my hardest not to be loud. His movements are faster now, and I can tell he's about to explode with me. Both of our bodies tense up at the same time and we grab hold of each other. He covers my mouth with his stifling our moans.

When we come down, he pulls his lips away and he just lays on top of me. Our breaths deep, trying to catch it. Our skin is slicked in sweat. He kisses me again, before rolling over.

"I know it's late, but I want to shower," he says. His dimples appearing. I grab his face and lick his cheek. "What was that for?" He laughs.

"I've been wanting to do that since I first saw them," I respond. "A shower sounds good."

After a sleepless night, I walk around my school with my arms linked to Apollo. He went on a tour of the school and then got to meet the track and field coach at the school. My brother and Calypso could also sing, but they never took it seriously as I did. Apollo was always into sports.

"I know I could go to any school, but I am leaning towards USF?" Apollo tells me. I grin at him.

"Is there a special reason?" I look at him knowing he wants to be closer to me.

"Yeah," he replies. He bumps me before continuing to speak. "You used to drive me crazy, but I'm the one who has been trapped in homes looking at two bedrooms that my sisters should be in." We stop walking. I look up at my not so little, little brother. I nod my head. I cannot imagine how helpless he has felt through all of this. Calypso dies, and then I am being sent everywhere. He has had to continue as if none of it happened. Still go to school, still hang out with friends, still be a teenager, but everything at home is crumbling.

"I can't forget how hard this is on you, too," I quietly say. My brother hugs me, we stand there for a while. I hope no one thinks we are a couple, but I needed this. This expression of love, it is reassuring. We let each other go and start walking.

"Dad has gotten way better since we were kids, but mom did this one-eighty on me, she went form partying all the time, to being a helicopter mom," he informs me.

"At least she acknowledges your presence," I respond to him. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and squeezes me.

"She has to talk to you eventually. Cookie isn't going to allow her to leave without a family discussion."

"Oh, I know. I've been warned." He looks at me.

"You seem lighter."

I smile thinking of Xavier. "Excellent boyfriend."

"Is he now? Better stay that way. Dad has enough money to make things look like an accident," he jokes. I hit him in the arm, and he yells out in pain.

"No death threats, thank you! Besides, his family deals with a lot, too, and he's truly been there for me."

"I heard. That's what you need. You know I would be if I wasn't stuck in New York."

"What did I do to deserve you as a little brother? Most little brothers are pains in the asses."

"Cause you're the pain the ass." I shove Apollo and takes off running. "Proof! Get back here!"

I sit in my dad's studio that he has in our Florida home. The headphones on my head, as I stand in front of the mic. He holds up his hand to signal when to start singing. It's just the backup vocals on one of his tracks. He has had me go over it several times, making my vocals reach heights I did not think they could.

"Excellent this go around," he says to me. I take off the headphones and exit the booth. He plays back my vocals and I smile quite proud of myself. "I will be adding that to the track."

We talk for a little bit about life as he mixes my vocals into the track. He goes to play what it sounds like with my vocals mixed in. He nods his head in approval. "Your voice always has the magic touch. Mr. Peters wants to meet with you soon, he has not forgotten about you. He said you are something special."

"Seriously? We haven't talked about it since the party."

"Yeah, he said your talent is superstardom worthy. Not only are your vocals amazing, but you are a showman. Which is important in staying popular," he tells me.

"Popular? I don't even sing the stuff that is on the radio. I think it sucks," I admit. He laughs.

"Oh, I know it does, but you can still do what you want and get a big following. He said your old school stuff was what had him because you managed to still be entertaining without all the extra dancing and stuff," he explains to me. My eyes pop out of my head. I just remember all the playing as a kid, pretending to be a pop star, and then going to dance or taking vocal lessons. Getting into LaGuardia, which has seen tons of stars roll out of that building. "I will set up a meeting, soon, okay?" I nod my head.

My family leaves for other parts of Florida to visit the other schools. I stay at the house on the Davis' Islands with Xavier. My grandmother went back to her home. Xavier and I take full advantage of the empty mansion for the next couple of days, as they tour the major universities of Florida. We had s*x in the entertainment room, after dinner, in the small dining room, in the pool, in the outdoor hot tub. Life feels amazing.

They eventually come back to the mansion, my grandmother included. Xavier and I try not to laugh too much about what we did while they were gone. This is their last night in Tampa before they must go. Apollo makes his decision, but he won't tell me where he's going. Says I have to wait and see.

We plan to have dinner after the family discussion my grandmother has sanctioned us to. It's just the five of us. Xavier was not invited. I sit on a comfortable couch in my father's den. I'm leaning up against Apollo, with my head on his chest. My parents and Cookie sit on chairs. My grandmother opens the discussion up in prayer.

"So, we cannot continue to do this. I know we haven't been the closes family and definitely not the happiest, but...there is a lot more at stake now."

"I agree with mom. It's been nice having quiet dinners, but Becca, it's because you haven't spoken." My mother raises her eyebrow to her husband.

"That's your response? A raised eyebrow?" I ask her. She gives me a death glare.

"Siren is right. That's it. This is a family discussion, and as the matriarch of this family, my command is that everyone opens their mouth," my grandmother scolds her, but my mother continues to glare at me.

"Fine, I'll speak," she finally says. She holds my gaze and I feel if the room is getting hotter from the fury in her eyes. "You ruined my Christmas party, and everyone is still talking about us in New York. Your outburst made Page 6!" I let out a villainous laugh. "It's funny to you?"

"Yes! Waaah! I got bad publicity! Last time I heard, all publicity is good publicity," I answer her shaking my head. "You've never changed."

"Do you know what all I had to do to build up my reputation?"

"Yes! Sacrifice your relationship with your children and f**k other men, while trying to convince people that you are mom and wife of the year, but you've never given a damn," I reply. They all go quiet and my mom's eyes pop out of her head. I spoke about the one thing my parents never talk about in front of us. Their no-so-secret open marriage.

"Siren, that wasn't necessary," Cookie finally says, which does not help to cut the tension.

"It was necessary."

"No, you're making excuses for your poor decisions," my mother says to me.

"Excuse me?" I ask her. I sit up and scoot forward on the couch. I am ready to take her down.

"You heard me...you've made it quite clear that I'm the reason you are an addict. No Siren... you're an addict because you are a waste of a human being," she snaps.

"Rebecca! Stop now!" My father yells. I don't know if he wants to choke her or what? But he's in shock, but I'm not.

"No, she's saying exactly what she's been wanting to say since Calypso died," I tell him.

"Why did you have to drive!

"Rebecca this blame game will not help!" Cookie screams, finally losing her cool, too.

"This is no game! I can hear her accusation in her voice. What's the matter MOM, couldn't handle you gave birth to a monster?" Our green eyes staring at each other wildly.

"Do not answer that, Becca," my father commands her.

"This is a family discussion remember, we get to let it all out!" She tells him, not losing her focus on me. "Yes! Calypso did not deserve to die!"

"And I did?" I jump out of my seat and lunge for my mother like a wild tiger. Pouncing on her and we collide. Her chairs fall backward with me on top of her and my hands around her throat.

"Siren let her go!" My grandmother screams at me. My mother claws at my face and I let out a scream. She uses the advantage and flips me over onto my back. I punch her in the face.

"Kill me! I know you want me dead!" I scream at her. She lifts my head to slam it into the ground, but strike her in the face, again. My father pulls my mother off me and I hop up ready to attack her, again. Apollo grabs me. "f**k you!" I scream at her.

I shove him and run out of the room and move faster than I ever thought I could move. I find myself in the wine cellar, looking for the whiskey I tried to drink the last time I was in here. I grab the bottle and book it out of the room before they find me in there. As I come towards the stairs to get to my room. Apollo sees me.

"She has a bottle!" He yells at my family. I take off up the stairs. I can feel Apollo getting close to me and I run with all my might to get into my room. I slam the door shut and lock it. I run over to the bathroom door and lock that one, too. Now they cannot get in. I try to catch my breath.

"Siren come out of there!" I hear Apollo yell.

"I just want to be alone!" I scream. She said everything I've been feeling for a year. I can no longer pretend that is how she feels about me. I'm the monster that took her daughter away. That I did not deserve to live. I pace back and forth with the bottle top off. I take long swigs of it, hoping it numbs the pain. It doesn't. I throw myself on my bed and gulp down the whiskey like its water. My throat was worthy of the burn. But it's not enough.

I sit up and stare at my dresser. The fentanyl is still in there. I go into the drawer and push my clothes around until I find it. The eyedrop container. I open it up and drop a couple of drops of it on my tongue. I close it up and go lay back down on the bed. I can hear my family trying to get into the room and I sit there quietly, waiting for the pain to stop. My eyes begin to get heavy, while I drink, and I lose consciousness.

"S, baby! Let me in!" My eyes flutter open, hearing Xavier's voice. I try to stand, but I can't. "Let me in." I sit there quietly, not able to speak. Hearing Xavier getting frantic. It stops for a little while, but then I hear him in my bathroom, trying to get in. I still cannot get up. I can hear loud bangs on the bathroom door. Eventually, the door flies open, startling me.

"What did you take?" He asks me. I shake my head at him, and he runs over to me. The fentanyl is still in my hand. He tries to pry my hand open and I manage to get enough strength to hit him with the bottle.

"No!" I manage to yell. I want to be left alone. I don't want him here, seeing me like this. He grabs for the whiskey bottle instead, and I try to fight him for it, but I lose. I whine for it. He goes back to my hand and try and get the bottle out of my hand. "Leave...me...alone." Every word coming out of my felt more painful than the word before it. He jumps up and unlocks my bedroom door and comes back over to me to pick me up and I push him with what little might I have left.

"Stop fighting me," he tells me.

"Leave," I manage to say. He shakes his head trying to get me up. I punch him in his chest, and he lets me go for a minute. "Leave!" It's getting harder to breathe.

"Siren! I need you to stop fighting me," he says to me. I shake my head.

"Monster," I answer.

"Who's a monster?" He asks me. I point to myself. "No, you are no monster." I begin to cry, and he seizes that moment to pick me up from my bed. My breathing getting slower and reality slipping away, until all I see is darkness.