The Broken Mirror

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

I slowly arch my back on Xavier's bed and rest the side of my head on his pillows. Xavier places his hands on my hips, feeling his hips pressed against my ass. His erection rubbing against me. With anticipation, I grind on him and he groans. He leans forward, pressing his chest against my back, leaving a trail of kisses down my neck and back.

"Xavier," I say breathlessly. I feel him slide inside of me and I gasp in delight. He lets out a deep sigh. He begins to slowly thrust into me, and I feel this overwhelming pleasure take over my body.

My body feels like it's on fire from his touch and our bodies become slick with sweat. I push back against him. I grip the pillow my head rests on and bury my face in it, trying to stifle a scream. I feel him lean forward.

"Just let it out," he says sounding out of breath. He begins to speed up, and I can't hold it in anymore and I let out the scream I've been trying to hold in. The pleasure takes over. His movements while in rhythm; become more ferocious. I match his speed and my body responds as it climbs towards the mountain top. We both tense up and he wraps his arms around my waist, while he lets out a deep growl. My knees give out and I collapse onto his bed, with him on top of me.

We both laugh for a minute, sweaty. He kisses me quick and then gets out of the bed to take off the condom. I sit up in the bed, reclining on his headboard, not trying to cover up. He walks back and hops in the bed. He walks back to the bed and hops on. He rests his head on my belly and kisses the scar that's there.

"You hungry?" He asks looking up at me.

"For food or you?"

"We can do round two after breakfast," he answers.

"Is it round two or four?"

"It's round two, since it's a new day," he gets out of the bed and throws on one of his hoodies at me and it lands on my head.

"Hey!" He just laughs while throwing on an undershirt and basketball shorts. I am swimming in his hoodie. Which I find impressive since I am five feet and nine inches tall, and not the most petite girl. I walk over to him and kiss him.

"Breakfast."

"You are breakfast." The two of us have been like this for the last two weeks. I only go home to get changes of clothes, much to my grandmother's displeasure. I hold his hand while I lead him to the kitchen. I hear music blasting from the kitchen.

"I've got the stuff that you want. I've got the thing that you need. I've got more than enough. To make you drop to your knees," I hear Gabrielle singing very loudly to Queen of the Night by Whitney Houston. We enter the kitchen and she's at the stove flipping pancakes dancing. Ethan is sitting at the table on his phone pretending his sister isn't doing what she's doing. He's used to it.

"Playing your mom's playlist again?" I ask her. I let go of Xavier's hand and go over to her and join her dancing. She uses the spatula as a mic.

"It's not a Saturday morning without my mom's playlist," Ethan yells over the music. Both guys used to us acting crazy in the kitchen while we fix breakfast.

"Had to drown out you two lovebirds!" Gabrielle yells. I feel my cheeks get hot.

"Blame X!" I yell back. He just laughs as he grabs coffee mugs out of the cabinet, fixing coffee. I go into their refrigerator and grab a carton of eggs and start helping to fix breakfast. Ethan is the only one banned from breakfast duty, after he burnt breakfast one morning.

"Listen, it's payback for all the noise that E and Kristin be making," Xavier says trying to excuse the sounds we make.

"I need a boyfriend then," Gabrielle says while dancing.

'Or not...," Ethan quickly shouts.

I burst out laughing. "Aw, don't wanna hear your baby sister getting..."

"Don't finish that statement." I beat the eggs to the rhythm of the song, while singing the last few lines of the song with Gabrielle. Neither of us sounding like we can sing. Her voice is decent when she is not playing around like now. The song switches to I'll Be There, Mariah Carey's version and I groan.

"What?" Gabrielle asks.

"I love this song, but it make me think of my mom." She shakes her head at me and just starts singing. "Just call my name, and I'll be there." Gabrielle and I sing to each other.

"Hey, don't burn our food with all the singing," Ethan says. We shoot him a glare.

"I'll be there to comfort you," Gabrielle sings to me ignoring Ethan. We stand side by side at the stove finishing up the food. We put it on plates and bring it to the table. Xavier hands out everyone their coffee the way we like to drink it. Although mines is missing some whiskey. I prop on of my legs on his lap while we eat and talk about the events of the week. The guys make plans to go to the gym; while Gabrielle and I decide it's time for a shopping trip.

We all split up after breakfast to get ready for our days. I clean their kitchen, while the guys get dressed. I grab my large thermos and pour a tiny bit of coffee in it to look like I have coffee in there. I sneak back to Xavier's room knowing he's still in the bathroom and fill the thermos with whiskey. I put the bottle away and stand up to leave just as Xavier is walking back in the room with a towel on.

I act cool. "You should've waited for me," I say to him.

"You know how E is about going to the gym. Later," he says to me. "Do you really need that much coffee?" Pointing towards my cup, while I take sip.

"Yeah, you know I drink tons of this stuff. I'm gonna go take my shower, now. If you change your mind and need another shower," I respond while trying to leave the room before he asks anything else about my cup.

Gabrielle and I walk through the mall with our arms linked. We look weird, because I tower over her, but we don't care. We are not really shopping, just going from store to store browsing through things. Which is a feat for us, since we normally try to buy up stores.

"What are you going to do for your birthday?" She asks me. I shrug my shoulders.

"I have no idea. What are you doing for yours?" Our birthdays are a couple of days apart at the end of January.

"I think we should combine it, so our friends aren't complaining how broke they are," sounds like a plan to me. "Club? Tired of house parties."

"I don't know," feeling uneasy about going to a club, knowing that it will be harder to hide. I'm still sipping on my 'coffee' as we walk through the mall. It's easy to hide it when no one is looking for it, but at a club, it's everywhere. The temptation so great. But they are always having house parties and I know she's tired of having to clean up the house afterwards. "What club did you have in mind?"

"I don't know yet, but I was thinking maybe you do a little showcase. Y'know some singing and dancing?" She says to me. I stop and just gawk at her.

"You want me to sing and dance?" I ask her. She nods her head with pleading eyes. "Most people our age doesn't listen to what I sing. Well they do, but not like that."

"So? It's your birthday and mines and they'll have to listen to whatever comes out of your mouth. Besides, your vocals alone could make someone stop to listen to the ABC song and pay for it."

"This is really short notice. I have no band or dancers," I tell her.

"Seriously? Your dad?" She says to me. She's right, my dad is still home on break from his own tour, which means I could call him at any point, and I would have his entire band here to perform with me. He would also know where to hire dancers on short notice.

"Fine. I'll call him tonight. You help me to decide what I'll sing for it," she jumps on me and hugs me. What did I get myself into?

I contacted my father and his band will be coming a couple of days before our performance. He also spoke to some of his connections in the industry and was able to get me some help finding dancers. Gabrielle is planning every single detail for this. She wanted a nineties theme party. What sounded like a fun relaxing night at the club, has become something much bigger, especially once my father got involved. She's driving us all crazy.

We selected the songs we wanted for my showcase, many of them are songs I like, but wouldn't perform. The only thing that has me excited is the nostalgia of being able to perform. Xavier has been trying to keep me calm through it all, but my mind is screaming from the overwhelming stress. The desire to just be numb and not feel growing within me every day.

The whiskey in my coffee cup is not helping anymore and I need something better to take the edge off. I got a number to a guy they call Pop, not too far from our school. He lives in an area that everyone calls Suitcase City. It is a tiny area in Tampa, in the neighborhood called Temple Terrace that is filled with drugs addicts. Once you drive passed our school, you are in this so-called city.

Most people walking around look no different than me, but at a couple of bus stops you can see people slumped over, nodding their heads. I watch them knowing full well that could be me. The only difference between them and me is wealth. My father being willing to spend money to get me better. I don't even know why, because I never asked to be well. I was forced into rehab, so I didn't go to prison.

I make sure my hair is tied up and pulled into a hat. I stole one of Xavier's hoodies and go to this guy's house. He supplies a lot of the drugs at the parties at our school. I park my car further away from his house to make sure no one can see my car, just in case he's being watched. My face is covered with massive sunglasses and the last of the whiskey I drank is leaving my system.

I was told to walk to the back of the house, so I do. I stand there for a minute contemplating if I should do what I am about to do. I begin to fidget with nerves. No, I know I've blown sobriety, but do I want to end up back on drugs. I had already called; he is waiting for me. I bang on the door even though my heart is saying no.

I hear shuffling in the house and this short white man opens the door.

"Pop?" I ask him. He nods his head.

"Victoria?" He asks me. I nod my head. I gave him a different name. The name being related to my middle name. He lets me in, and I walk in and he eyes me. "Just the party favors?" I nod my head. He pulls out a bag of colorful tablets and a bag of white powder. I hand him the money and I look at the bag. I want something else.

"You sure it's just this? You look like you itching for something else," he says to me.

"You have fentanyl?" I ask him. He smirks at me and walks away. I stand there waiting for him to come back. He comes back to me with an eyedrop bottle. I hand him more money for it. I hold it in my hand and stare. I cannot believe I just bought this. "Thanks." He smiles and leads me out of his house.

I quickly walk away from the house. So quick, I was almost running away. I throw everything in my car. I take a deep breath. What is wrong with me? Why am I going back? I need it. That's why, I need it. I don't want to feel. Have you ever felt like that? Like you just don't want to be part of this world anymore?

I know you think I am crazy. I am considered gorgeous, I'm a rich girl, with a lot of talent. I even have a hot guy pining after me, so why would I even feel like this. Because none of it means anything. There feels like there is a monster within me and that is who I truly am. That everything about me is a façade. They say Satan was the most beautiful of all the angels and look where that got him.

I drive off to meet my grandmother at our favorite lunch spot. Before I get out of the car. I dip my finger into the bag of coke and put it in between my gums. I put everything away, so that she won't see when she drives up. I sit in my car and allow it to take over. It should last me about an hour.

My grandmother knocks on the car window. I smile at her and get out of my car and follow her inside the restaurant. We get on the long line and when it's our turn we give our order to Janice.

"Will I be seeing you guys tonight?" She asks us as she fulfills our orders. 

"Oh, I won't be there. I have places to be," I tell her. She raises an eyebrow at me, asking with her face, what are these places?

"Yes, she has a boyfriend," Cookie tells her in a tone that does not sound very enthusiastic, if I may add.

"Is it one of the guys you brought in here a few months back?" She asks me. I smile at her.

"First off, Xavier is not my boyfriend. And two, yes, the quiet one," I answer, and she squeals.

"But wait, he's not your boyfriend?"

I shake my head at her no. "We are just really good friends." My grandmother looks at me with disapproval. "I'll see you tomorrow. Don't want to hold up your line."

I head for the table and wait for my grandmother to join me. I grab my cup to get a fountain drink and add some whiskey from two small bottles into my cup. I then fill it with Coca-Cola. I sit back down and begin eating. I feel very anxious sitting talking to my grandmother.

"I wish you would just admit that Xavier Watts is your boyfriend."

"Cookie..."

"No, I'm serious. I already don't agree with you staying at his house almost every night, but at the very least, call him your boyfriend." I cannot believe we are having this conversation. I'm slipping further into the rabbit hole and she's worried about my relationship.

"Why do I have to label it?" I ask her. She sighs.

"I have not been honest with you. I knew Xavier before you met him."

"Yeah, he was once your student."

"No, not as a student. I did have him, but his family used to come to my church." She reveals to me. My mouth drops open. Why didn't she tell me this before? This conversation is making my high disappear faster.

"Used to?" She nods her head. She stares at her food, as if she's considering the next thing, she is about to say to me.

"Yes, and his family were a big part of the church. His dad was amazing and loved by the youth there, but then," she says without finishing.

"But then what?" I ask her to force her to finish.

"His mother disappeared and then showed up a week later, on a Sunday, completely drunk. She made this big show and the pastor and members tried to calm her down and then she started attacking everyone. I remember seeing him through the whole ordeal...being held by his oldest sister. The pain and fear on his face," she quietly says.

"Cookie, I know about his mother...he knows about me."

"Oh, I know he does."

"Did he know I was your granddaughter before I met him?" I ask her. She shakes her head not. "Cookie why are you sharing this with me?"

"He's had so much pain to deal with just like you and you need to think of his feelings and yours. That boy wants something more. Are you ready to give it?" She asks me. I listen to her words and it just makes my heart ache. When he's around I don't feel like I need to be on anything. My mind is at peace. When he isn't, that's when I need to be numb. I know I am not ready for a committed relationship, not yet anyway.

"Cookie, I'm afraid," I admit to her. She grabs for my hand and squeezes it. I feel my chest get heavy and a single tear rolls down my cheek. Yup, my high is completely blown. I might not be ready for a committed relationship, but I do want him, and no one else. What is wrong with me? I was never this girl, wanting a guy. I feel all this guilt. This is exactly what I was afraid of. I think what really has me afraid is that I loved my sister so much and because I am such a shitty person, she's dead. She was my sister, how will Xavier fare?

"Let's lighten up the conversation." She starts telling me about the stuff going on with her church friends. I listen and laugh to her stories. Hopefully the whiskey takes over from where the cocaine has worn off. When we are done eating. We go our separate ways. Her back to the school and me to a dance studio for rehearsal.

I put more into my cheek and hold it there until it dissolves. I wait a little bit and take in a little bit more. I get out of the car and head to the locker room to change into my dance clothes. I meet my dancers and greet each of them with hugs. I see the choreographer, Hailey, setting up the music. When I walk over to her, she hugs me.

"This mic is for you," she hands me. The songs have been arranged in the order that they will be performed. Short snippets from the songs that are current, while the last three are older songs that I will be performing fully. We rehearse for hours. My voice is tired and so is my body.

"Oh, this looks so good!" I hear Gabrielle yell. I turn to see her, and I put my hands on my hips, ready to scold her.

"You are not supposed to be here!" I yell at her. She starts laughing at my outburst. "How much did you see?"

"Don't worry about it," she laughs. "You ready to go?" I nod my head.

"But I have my car here, and you aren't supposed to be here," I tell her.

"I got curious. So, shoot me," she says. I grab my stuff and we head out. "I'll see you back at the house." When we reach the house, I see Xavier standing at the door with a pizza delivery guy paying for three boxes of pizza. He's shirtless and I think about how yummy he looks.

Gabrielle and I walk in and follow him inside after I get a quick kiss. My head is starting to hurt, and I just want to dig into the pizza. We have a full house with Brittany and Kristin there with us. I go take a shower and steal some of Xavier's clothes to be more comfortable in. I join the rest of my friends in the living room and grab some pizza.

"Which movie to watch guys?" Ethan asks everyone as he browses through Netflix.

"Oh, that new one that just came out on Netflix!" Brittany yells. I rest up against Xavier and he leans back on the couch. He plays in my hair and I feel like I am in the safest place. His shirt smells like fresh laundry and I try to have it not distract me from the movie.

"No! Don't let him in the house!" Brittany yells at the television; her mouth full of pizza.

"Ugh, she can't tell he's crazy. She's going to get them all killed," Gabrielle adds.

"Maybe he's not crazy," Ethan tries to reason with them.

"No way! You can tell he's already seen the creatures. Look how crazy his eyes are."

"I don't know guys."

"Will you three be quiet and enjoy the movie!" Kristin scolds while resting on top of Ethan. Gabrielle and Brittany have taken residence on the floor while we watch the movie. I kiss Xavier's neck.

"Stop, before we don't finish this movie," he whispers to me.

"Maybe I don't want to finish," I quietly joke. He shakes his head and turns his attention back to the movie.

"Look at those drawings! I told you he saw the creatures! And now he's going to kill them all!" A blanket covers us, and I slip my hand under his waistband on his basketball shorts. I watch as his face scrunches up, trying to hold in a groan as I rub on his d**k. He looks down at me with pleading eyes.

I bite my lip and give him a challenging glare. He slides his hands under my shirt and begins to caress my breast through my bra. "Let us finish the movie..."

"But it's so long... and I want you now." We are both trying to whisper, hoping the others don't hear our plotting.

"Just go f**k each other already!" Gabrielle shouts. Xavier and I turn our attention to her totally stunned.

"Mind your business El!" I say to her.

"Well the rest of us want to watch this movie in peace and without puking." Ethan bursts into laughter and Brittany pauses the movie.

"Gabby, leave them be... I think it's cute," Kristin says sticking up for us. Ethan nuzzles her face, as if what she said game him ideas.

"You think it's cute?" He asks her.

"Movie?" Brittany says not amused either. Xavier starts to shuffle to get us both up to go to his bedroom.

"Sure, but let us leave first. I'll finish this later."

"Please so you can put us all out of our misery," Gabrielle says.

Xavier leads me to his room. I hear the movie turn back on. Once inside his room, he pushes me up against the wall and kisses me hard. We begin tearing off each other's clothes like hungry animals. He pulls me off the wall and turns me and while kissing slowly walk backwards towards his bed.

When it's over, we lay in each other's arms panting from all the excitement. I rest my head on his chest and hear his soothing heartbeat. He plays in my hair like he always does.

"Why are you so quiet?" He asks me. While I lay here in his arms, all I can think about is today's events. I bought drugs for the first time in over a year. I took said drugs. I feel like s**t about it now. My grandmother's conversation still lingers in my head. I'm conflicted.

His life has been filled with heartache because of his mother. He almost died because of her. His back being a constant reminder of her reckless behavior. Do I want to add to that? I've already lost one person I loved more than anything. When I look at him, I see that I could fall for him, something I've never wanted.

I sit up and he straightens himself up. "I had a conversation with my grandma today." He raises an eyebrow to me. "She had a lot to say about you."

"Was it good?"

"She was telling me her history with you," I tell him. He nods his head and looks away from me. He climbs out of the bed still naked and slowly paces his room.

"She mentioned the church, didn't she?"

"...yeah," I answer. He sits back down on the bed as the memory clearly haunts him. I watch his face. Every detail of that incident must be replaying in his head.

"Why do you wanna be with me?" I finally ask him. We haven't really had this conversation. I just know he wants me to be more than his friends with benefits.

"What do you mean?"

"Your mother has caused you so much pain." I stop for a second, knowing that sobriety is gone for me. I have lost control, again. I move towards him on his bed and place one of my legs across his lap and kiss shoulder. "I'm an addict like her." I can't even say recovering, because I would be lying. He looks at me, waiting for me to continue. "I am capable of hurting you the same way she does."

He kisses my forehead. "I know."

"Then why?"

"Cause my desire to be with you outweighs my fear of getting hurt." I gently cup his cheek and feel the stubble prick my fingers. I pull his face towards mines and I kiss him gently for a moment and then pull away. I stare into his hazel eyes. I think about how this amazing man has allowed me to be able to open to him. He makes me feel worthy and loved, something I've never felt and worse since my sister died. She had been my confidant. I shared a womb with her. Him, I've only known for months and I know I can tell him anything and he won't judge me.

I am overcome with emotion with his statement. I don't cry, but it was like a wave of water put out the flame of confusion. How do you argue with someone who thinks you are worth it all? That no boyfriend policy is going to have to go up in smoke.

"I," I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I search for words to say to him. "I care for you greatly, and I am going against my own beliefs." I see the corners of his lips curl up into a smile and his dimples appear. "I know I can come to you about anything and everything..." The hand that's still on his cheek, he takes it and kisses it.

"I want to be your girlfriend, your love, your everything, because I realize you've become everything to me." Xavier passionately grabs me by the back of my head and kisses me. He maneuvers his body between my legs and lifts me up a bit off the bed and takes me towards his pillows effortlessly. I wrap my arm around the back of his neck and pull him closer to me.

His movements are slow and sweet this time. He releases me from the kiss and begins to kiss my neck. I begin to pant, as he slowly works his way down. With each kiss to my body, it's like he's claiming every inch of me. Xavier makes love to me and for me this is a first. This wasn't out of lust, which is what all my previous encounters with him and any other guy has been. This is something more.

This something more has me staring at the eyedrop bottle full of fentanyl. Every time I have tried to go without any of the drugs, I feel horrible. I feel horrible for even starting it back up, but now I feel stuck. Being with Xavier has helped with my cravings for it, but I still need it to get through the last few days of rehearsals.

I've found myself at the Pop's more often buying coke. I have not used the fentanyl yet. If I do, it will be me hitting my lowest and I'm not there yet. The coke is helping me get through my days and being able to keep up with the rehearsal schedules.

I pocket the fentanyl. As I walk into my parents' Davis Island home. My father came in town for the show and has his band there. I go to my room and throw the bottle into one of my dresser drawers. It felt like I was carrying a boulder in my pocket.

"Si!" I hear my father call for me. I leave my room to see him. My brother is back in school and will not be coming until the day of my party. My mother on the other hand. I am currently dead to her. She's not even pretending anymore that she cannot stand me. I guess that is the one positive out of all it. Honesty was the result of my outburst.

My father did not care about what happened. He did care, but he did not see it as me trying to continue to ruin everything. He is changing, because I don't know if I would have gotten the same reaction a few years ago, if I had done what I did at the Christmas party a few years ago. That, or I'm his favorite.

"I'm coming dad!" I yell back. I go to find him, because I know we are doing our final run through. I must warm my voice up with his voice coach. We go through a few vocal exercises, so that my voice opens. The band tunes their instruments and let me know when they are ready to go.

We are all in the ballroom, using it to rehearse. The dancers show up and we begin to rehearse for the next few hours. We are a bunch of sweaty hot messes by the time it is over, but it feels so good to be in my element.

"I cannot wait to see you tomorrow," Xavier says to me as he walks into the ballroom. I run to him and hugging him. I am so sweaty I leave a stain on his shirt. He gives me a big kiss and my dad walks over when he sees our exchange.

"Xavier, I am assuming?" My father says putting out his hand to shake Xavier's. Xavier shakes his hand. He makes my father look like a small man. He isn't, but most people look small compared to Xavier.

"Yes, sir!"

"What you think?" He asks him.

"I'd pay to see her," He responds to my father. He smiles at me and I cannot help but put on a big cheesy smile.

"Good, because I have a big surprise for her tomorrow," he tells us. I raise an eyebrow at my father. What does he have up his sleeve? My dad kisses my forehead. "Can't believe you'll be twenty tomorrow."

"Time flies?" I say and he smiles, but his eyes have a small bit of sadness. My second birthday, celebrating it without her and it's in his eyes. It's nice to not celebrate it alone, also nice to be a free woman celebrating it, too. The sadness in his eyes cut through me and a wave of guilt takes over. I cannot try and numb myself right now. I need to stay focused on my performance the next day.

My father walks away. "Jacuzzi?" I ask Xavier. He smirks at me and we go get changed for me to relax. The weight of my birthday feeling like two-ton cinderblocks on my chest.

"You okay?" Xavier asks me as we sit in the tub together. I nod my head. I'm not alright, but I don't want to worry him. I've been good at hiding what has been going on with me. Knowing when to take stuff so he doesn't notice. How do I tell him that I've still been going through it since Christmas, unable to quit? "You look tired."

"It's all the rehearsal. I haven't done this in a couple years. I used to live this everyday back in New York. It was exhausting then," I partially lie. I am also exhausted because of the crap I've been doing. I just need to get through Gabrielle and my birthday party. He begins to massage my head and my shoulders, knowing how much I love it. When I look at him, I can tell he does not believe me, but he is not going to press the issue.

The next morning, I am awoken to the most amazing smell of pancakes, eggs and bacon. I open my eyes to see Xavier sitting there with breakfast for me.

"You did this?" I look at him, knowing full well our kitchen staff fixed it for him. He laughs.

"I brought it up here," I look down and there is a piece of paper that says Happy Birthday. "El is here, and she got the same thing." Way to make me not feel so special. He kisses my forehead and I eat breakfast.

"Today is about to be a long day," I tell him.

"Well, after El turned y'all birthday into this craziness, I figured," he replies. I shake my head. How did she rope into this craziness? Today is January 26th, the day I chose to enter the world with my sister. Last year, I spent it not in the best of places, because the same sister I entered the world with was dead because of my recklessness. Here I am, a year later, still reckless. Birthdays should be joyous occasions, so why don't I feel joyous?

The day feels like a blur. I pay for a make-up artist and hair stylist to get Gabrielle and I ready for the night's festivities. We both have two outfits, and we match. I also have a costume for my performance. I try and relax, but I know I am bringing my so-called party favors with me. No way, I am going to enjoy my birthday sober. Of course, I still have my coffee thermos that is filled with something that is not coffee.

The club we chose is near the house in the Davis' Islands. Gabrielle and I dressed like Cher and Dionne from Clueless. Gabrielle looks like a kid in a candy-store to see what all her hard work went into planning. She had access to our money. Her parents, her mother, stepfather, father and Ethan's father, are at the party. They seem in awe with everything we put together.

As the night begins, we take photos with our guests.

"This so does not seem like something you would do," Apollo says to me, as he looks around at the club. The dance floor is already full of people dancing and talking while the DJ plays. There are Go-Go dancers everywhere. I laugh because Apollo is so right. It is taking everything within me not to pop the molly that sits in my bag. I need to have a clear mind for my performance, but once it is over, I am diving into that goodie bag.

I get changed for my performance. I hear a knock at the door to the ladies' bathroom. My mother's stylist is in the bathroom helping me change. My grandmother sits in a chair watching. I am shocked she is even here. At least most of the people I love is here.

"You decent?" I hear my father asks from the other side of the door.

"Come in!" I yell. He enters and a man comes in behind him. I automatically recognize him as one of the music execs from my dad's recording agencies.

"You remember, Mr. Sam Peters?" My dad asks me. I nod my head. I've known him since I was a child. When we have parties, he is usually there, but luckily, he missed this passed Christmas party, but I bet he heard of the craziness that ensued.

"Yes, I remember him. How could I forget?" Older handsome white man with gray hair. He shakes my hand.

"He is here to watch you. We've been talking about your interest in music," my father informs me. I feel like I am about to pass out. Sure, you can say I got this easily because of who my father is. He was already a rich heir and he does music because he loves it. I already had an in, I guess you could say, but I did not think he would do this, not after all I have been through. I had given up on this dream.

"Wow! Are you serious right now?" My dad smiles and I hug him. My dad's assistant pokes their head in, and she tells us to be ready in 5. We nod to her. He takes Mr. Peters with him and I am left there feeling like a big ball of nerves. Stay calm, I can't be high for this. I need to be sober.

I stand towards the back of the dance floor near the band with the lights off. My heart is pounding with anticipation. The guitar starts strumming the first notes to the song. I open my mouth to belt out, "I'm feeling sexy and free," and the audience yells as I continue to sing Domino by Jessi J. The four dancers and I start walking to the middle of the dance floor as I continue to sing. "Like glitters raining on me. You're like a shot of pure gold." We begin the choreography the moment I sing, "I can taste the tension like a cloud of smoke in the air. Now I'm breathing like I'm running cause you're taking me there. Don't you know you spin me out of control?" The dancers spin perfectly.

"Ooh ooh ooh ooh," my backup singers begin to sing. As we begin the bridge of the song. I join their vocals, while still doing the choreography, moving my hips suggestively to the music. When the chorus picks up, I continue to sing and dance my heart out. Dropping onto the floor once I finish the last line of the chorus, "Take me down like I'm a domino." The crowd screams from watching us fall to the ground like rag dolls.

While laying on my back I start singing, "She might've let you hold her hand at school. But I'mma show you how to graduate," the band immediately switches to Bang, Bang by Jessi J, Arianna Grande, and Nick Minaj. I chose to only sing Grande's verse in the song. We dance on the floor the entire time I sing her part of the song. "See anybody could be good to you. You need a bad girl to blow your mind."

We get to our feet the moment I start singing, "Bang, bang into the room (I know you want it). Bang, bang all over you (I'll let you have it) Wait a minute let me take you there (ah). Wait a minute 'til you (ah, hey!)," My dancers leave me on the dance floor to get chairs for the next song. The backup singers letting in adlibs. While I stand in the middle of the dance floor finishing up the chorus. "Bang, bang there goes your heart (I know you want it). Back, back seat of my car (I'll let you have it). Wait, a minute let me take you there (ah). Wait a minute 'til you (ah, hey!)."

A dancer hands me a chair, and we are all lined up with the chairs next to us. We change to Arianna Grande's God is a Woman. The audience quiets down a bit to watch us chair dance. We all move as one, looking like the sexiest wave. Eventually, they take away the chairs as I close this portion of the performance. I stand in the dance floor waiting for one of the dancers to spin onto the floor holding my mic stand that I need for the next three songs. I am exhausted from the dancing. She hands me a towel, as I belt out, Love on the Brain by Rihanna.

The mic stand I use as a prop and run my fingers up and down the pole, pretending that the only person I am singing to is Xavier who I cannot see at all, but I know he sees me. "Oh, and baby I'm fist fighting with fire. Just to get close to you. Can we burn something, babe? And I run for miles just to get a taste. Must be love on the brain." Wiping off sweat that is running down my face. "That's got me feeling this way (feeling this way). It beats me black and blue, but it f***s me so good. And I can't get enough. Must be love on the brain, yeah." I don't sing the whole song, like I did with the first three.

"We are going to start taking it back," I tell the audience. "I tell everyone I am an old soul and was born in the wrong decade. I know everyone knows this, sing with me." The drums and brass instruments begin to play the opening to Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow. This song was for me. My element. I can hear the audience singing with me. "You guys sound so good," I tell the audience, while the band plays.

"Is this a lasting treasure. Or just a moment's pleasure. Can, I believe the magic in your sighs. Will you still love me tomorrow?" I might be singing this for the crowd, but I had only one person in mind. It feels good to have someone for the first time, but I still think the other foot is going to drop. Me being the foot dropping. We finish up the song and move into the last two.

"Tonight, is about the 90s, a time period that I was only alive for a year in," the audience laughs. "Gabrielle and I are the Queens of tonight, so to celebrate, it is only right to sing two songs from two of the greatest vocal queens of the 90s." There is a massive banner that says Queen of the Night over the band. My dancers come back out, but I'm not dancing for the first song, which is Mariah Carey's Fantasy. I specifically chose it so I could do as many vocal gymnastics that showed off the range of my voice.

Once the song is over, they quickly grab my mic stand. The beat for Queen of the Night drops and the dancers and I breakout into 90s style dancing. This song truly was for Gabrielle. When the guitar solo starts, my dad's guitarist comes out and we dance around him. Thank God for knee pads as we go from dropping to our knees to back to our feet. When the song is over, they drop balloons from the ceiling "This was to Gabrielle and her amazing pancakes!" I yell out and the band begins to play the beat again. "The dancers go out onto the floor to grab people to join us on the floor to dance.

I make my escape back to the ladies' bathroom to change into my second outfit of the night, after I talk to the music exec. Dressed like members of TLC. Oversized cropped shirts and pants with crazy hats. Gabrielle is already dressed in glasses and a condom over her left eye.

"You, coming? We have to take pictures with our cake," she tells me.

"Yes, I just need to use the bathroom really quickly," I tell her.

"Hurry up!" She yells leaving the room. I grab my bag and find the molly I had stashed in there. Finally! Relief! I drink it down with the whiskey that is in my thermos.

After our photos with the cake, we go out onto the dance floor to party. The effects of the drug starts to take over. My friends are dancing around me, and my body begins to heat up. I grab Xavier and place my butt against his hips as we dance. He wraps his arms around my bare waist.

"Why are you so hot?" He asks me.

"You think I'm hot?" I respond, stupidly laughing at his comment.

"Yes, I think your sexy, but your skin is on fire," he says to me. "Are you okay?" I nod my head. He stops moving and turns me around to look at my face.

"I'm fine!" I yell at him. He begins to pull me through the crowd to the outside. I almost stumble a few times. As we stand outside, he stares at me with his hands on my shoulders. The fresh air feels amazing right now.

"What are you on?" He asks me. I shake my head and try to pull away to go back inside. "You are not going anywhere." I use my arms to knock his hands off me.

"I am going back to party," I say slurring my words a bit. He grabs me, again.

"You are not going back in there." I shove him and he grabs my hands quickly before I can make it back inside. "Let's go!"

He picks me up and tosses me on his shoulder while I fight him whining about wanting to go back in the party. He takes out his cell phone to call someone. I can tell he is talking to Ethan and in a few minutes, I see Ethan appear and running over to the valet to get Xavier's car.

When the car arrives. Xavier throws me into the back seat. He quickly puts on the child lock after I try to escape the car.

"What are you doing?" I yell at him when he gets into the driver seat.

"Taking you home now!" He yells back. He's furious with me. I quiet down. I've never seen him like this before.