The Broken Mirror

At Your Best (You Are Love)

My father looks through my notepad of songs. He is trying not to smile, but his eyes betray him. He places the notepad down and looks at me.

"You wrote the music notations for all the instruments on top of writing the songs," he says to me a little in shock. I look at him like he's stating the obvious, well he is stating the obvious, but he sounds shocked. I pick up the notepad and look down at it.

"Okay, and, I know how the whole song should sound," I respond to me. A big smile creeps on his face.

"Not many people can compose music on top of songwriting," he tells me. "Especially not for multiple instruments." He grabs me and hugs me. "I have my own Mozart."

"You did not compare me to Mozart," I say to him.

"I cannot do, what you just did. People give me a beat, and I write on what I hear. You have surpassed me, is all I can say," he tells me. I sit down in the chair in front of the controls to the recording studio. It is our first meeting since I have been home. Some reason, this was what I needed to do first.

I hear a knock at the door, and I open it to see Gabrielle. The only person who knows I am home. I run and hug her.

"Gorgeous!" I yell when she enters.

"Beautiful!" She yells back. It feels so good to see her on this side of freedom. "Okay, what am I doing here?"

"Want to watch me record some music?" Her eyes widen with shock and joy. "I'll be in here every day after school and of course once school is over since finals are approaching."

"Yeah, and we have a graduation to attend," she tells me. I almost forgot. With all the craziness going on with me, Ethan and Xavier are graduating. I know I cannot miss their graduation, but I wanted more time to myself.

"I will leave you two, to catch up. Gotta make some phone calls," my father says leaving the room. Thanks, dad, because I can see on Gabrielle's face that she is planning something.

"You know that means I am planning a party, and our families will be there," she tells me. I stare at her blankly. That means Xavier's family will be there. "I need you to perform."

I shoot her to death with my eyes. The only singing I had in mind was this recording studio. "This is not going to turn into the craziness that was our birthday party?"

She takes a seat away from me. She does not look at me. Oh, it must be worse than what I am thinking. "Your dad is kind of letting me use your house in the Davis Islands." I want to scream no for a very long time. That is why he walked out of here in a hurry. 

"Why?"

"Present to Xavier for what all he's done for you. Your dad really likes him," she tells me. Lovely, now I got to kill my favorite parent. "Listen, you cannot keep this up. You are going to have to say something to Xavier. His graduation is probably not the best time to say hey I'm home from rehab!"

"I'll talk to him, I promise. But performing? I already must focus on these songs and I'm getting back into dance," I tell her holding up my notepad.

"Listen, we have a couple of weeks. I will choose the playlist and ask your dad for help. You rehearse, besides he already said you would do it," she tells me biting her lip. Now they are both dead, very dead to me. The next meeting, I must go to, I might scream for an hour. It'll sound like this, 'My name is Siren and I'm an addict,' then scream.

"Fine! One because I love you and I know what you are up to and two, because of Xavier," I respond to her. She runs and hugs me and promises me that I will not be stressed out. I probably should have picked up praying while in rehab, because I can tell I am going to need it.

Over the next few hours, we start putting the music together for my demo. It helps me not to think about Xavier's graduation. The fact that I must perform at the party. And just simply that I'm going to see him again, and I don't know why I'm running from him. Old habits die hard?

Gabrielle and I stand in front of a tattoo shop. We look up and a massive sign that says Ants' is before us.

"Now why are we here?" She asks me. I continue to look at the sign as I answer her.

"He designed a tattoo for me." Gabrielle lets out a deep groan. She is not happy about this visit, especially since I have not spoken to Xavier, yet.

"Are you sure nothing happened?" She accuses me. I finally look at her.

"I didn't even kiss him," I tell her. I danced with him. I flirted with him, but that is as far as it goes. 

"I don't know, all I know is you won't tell Xavier you are home like you have something to hide," she continues to accuse. I shake my head. I have my reasons, but that's not it. That's not it at all.

"My feelings on that is a lot more complicated. Roberts is not a complication," I respond. I get why she is worried, but I know it has nothing to do with him. We settled that before he left. We walk inside his place. Roberts is there to greet us.

"Alexander you're free!" He shouts, his deep voice vibrating the room. He hugs me in a great big bear hug. There are other artists there working on their clients. He owns this place and it looks cool, with all types of artwork all over the room, and most of all it looks clean. He sees Gabrielle and winks at her. She returns his wink with a glare.

"Show me this tattoo you sketched," I tell him.

"After you Alexander," he says, slightly bowing towards a door towards the back. He grins at Gabrielle. "... and the feisty Gabrielle." She sucks her teeth at him and we both go into a private room. It's like the front, full of art. Gabrielle is staring at them while we enter. Her gaze captured by them. He has a massive table in the center of the room and there are chairs and a couch. He has a desk that is on wheels that has all his supplies.

He walks over to the desk and picks up two massive sketches of bird wings. "You drew me bird wings?"

"You said sirens were birds. I think you need wings," he answers. Gabrielle walks over staring at the sketches, completely unamused.

"Where exactly are you putting those wings?" She asks him. I know she knows where, but I can tell she's ready to fight.

"On her back... where wings belong," he answers her in a no-s**t-sherlock tone.

"Funny... did she ask for a tattoo that conveniently means she needs to lose her shirt and bra?" She asks him. He smirks at her.

"Back down, El," I quietly say to her.

"She's protective," he says to me.

"I'm standing right here," she responds, not liking that he spoke as if she was not in the room. He continues to smirk at her, completely amused with her attitude.

"Honestly... I think this is an awesome idea. These wings symbolize me being able to take flight to freedom," I tell them. They both stop focusing on each other and look at me. "Besides, this makes me think more about my middle name than my first."

"That mysterious middle name of yours that starts with an N," she asks me. I nod my head. I open my phone and bring up a photo of the goddess of victory.

"Nike."

"See! I'm psychic!" Roberts jokes. Gabrielle glares at him.

"Fine! I'll be staying here the whole time. So, no funny business!"

"With her or you?" He asks winking at her. She doesn't say a word and I just stare at the two of them. Gabrielle looks a little uncomfortable for a moment, which never happens to her. He grabs a cover. "Let me know when you are ready so I can sketch this out to fit your back." He exits the room. 

I take off my shirt and cover my chest with the sheet he gave me. I lay on the table, waiting for him to come back in. Gabrielle sits nearby. Roberts knocks on the door and I tell him it's okay for him to come back in. He goes over to a corner of the room I cannot see, and classical music begins to play. Johannes Brahms' Symphony No. 3 in F Major begins to play. I recognize it as the third movement. The music is hauntingly beautiful and as he collects what he needs, my mind begins to wander.

"S! Earth to S!" Gabrielle says to me. I look up at her.

"Yeah," I answer.

"He's been telling you that this is going to take three sessions based on the sheer size of it," she tells me. I look up at him. He nods his head.

"That is fine," I answer. I was lost to the song. I heard lyrics in my head. Roberts got what he needed and began sketching on my back. His touch was light and delicate as he went to work. I was still focused on the music and did not realize that Gabrielle was standing next to him watching him sketch.

"Here," He says to her. She takes the marker and begins sketching on my back herself. He stands near her, guiding her hand. "That looks perfect."

"I used to draw all the time until my grandmother told me I couldn't pay bills with art," she tells him. They work together mapping out my wings and I stay quiet listening to them. Whatever annoyance she had, seems to have disappeared. When they are done. She grabs a stool and sits next to him, watching as he begins to tattoo the wings.

The pain is barely bearable. Gabrielle holds my hand as he tattoos my back. I squeeze her hand when the pain is bad, letting out a few f***s or shits,  but she's focused on what he's doing. Her hand should be bruised by the morning. I lay here for a couple of hours, as he wipes away at the excess ink. He finishes up the initial first stage of the tattoo and my back is sore. I sit up to see the outline has been done, but the details he has on his sketch is not complete on my back. But it will be beautiful.

"I will admit you are talented," Gabrielle tells him. He smiles at her.

"Approval from the best friend. I can tell you probably got some talent, too," he tells her.

She playfully shoots him a glare. "Don't get used to it."

"Mm, as long as I get to hear your voice," he flirts. The discomfort in her face reappears.

"Can you two quit it?" I ask them. I look at it some more. I know it's going to be beautiful. "I love it."

I wish I could touch it a bit better. The outline shows it will take up most of my back. The tattoo starts up at my shoulders and goes all the way down to my hips. It stops at the curve of my back, where my ass starts. Roberts leaves the room and I get my shirt back on.

"Forgoing the bra?" She asks me.

"Because I don't want to cry all the way home. It's not like my chest is as big as yours," I tell her.

"I know someone who will love that. I need a sleepover," she says to me. I shake my head no.

"You're just trying to get me to the house. No can do," I tell her.

"You can't keep avoiding him," she protests.

"I'm not avoiding him. Besides, I drove, so I will drop you off and then head home," I tell her. She rolls her eyes at me. I pay for my tattoo and we say goodbye to Roberts. I try to sit in my car, but it hurts a lot. Somehow, I manage to drive her home. When we get to her house, I see Xavier's truck. This is the closest I've been to their house since being home. "I'll see you later, especially since I have to rehearse for your party."

"You should really come inside," she begs. I shake my head at her. "Fine." She hugs me roughly, making sure the tattoo gets pressed with her hands. I yelp and she just laughs. "Sorry," she says innocently.

"You're lucky I love you," I say to her, ready to kill her.

"But did you die?" She asks me. I wanted to for that one moment. She hops out of the car and I watch her go inside, and I speed off before, anyone walks out of the house.

Finals weeks starts at school and I manage to do well in each of my exams. I'm rehearsing every day for the graduation party. I also spend a lot of my time in the recording studio. The song I couldn't write in rehab has been written. Thanks to Brahms. I sit with the music engineer my father has hired as we play the third movement to the song, with my suggestions on how to jazz it up.

My father steps in smiling at me, knowing I am in my element.

"So, I need to speak to you, probably because you are going to kill me," he says to me.

"Why for volunteering me for El's party?" I ask him, looking at the soundboard.

"Okay, you're going to kill me twice," he says to me. I turn my head and look at him. "So, we need to hire members for your own band, because eventually, mines have to go home with me. I have someone who wants to work with you." He opens the door and Tyler Smith walks through, and I feel like I cannot breathe. He gives me an awkward wave. "Jay, come with me."

Jay, the music engineer, gets up and follows my father out the door. Tyler continues to stand. "Going to offer me a seat?"

"No." I just stare at him wondering why he is even here. He nods his head in awkwardness.

"So, I wanted to talk," he tells me. I raise my eyebrows at him. What could this douchebag have to say? "I never really apologized about the fight, what I did or the fact that I was busy trying to pursue you."

"So, apologize."

"I'm sorry Siren. I'm sorry for how I treated you and Calypso. I should have never kissed you. We were really close friends before that night. I knew I could come to you for anything and I ruined that. Calypso's blood is on my hands, too," he says to me. Our childhood together plays in my head. He's been there through a lot. He was in high school with me. He saw the insanity that was our world. I felt betrayed by him. "If you don't want to forgive me, you don't have to. I just wanted to say that to you."

He turns to leave. "Wait. How good are you with the cello?" I ask him. He smirks at me and I smile back. "You're right. We were close. I am trying something new. Forgiveness, I don't want you to walk around with that guilt. Now, I need help with my demo, and if you play as good as you did in high school. I might need you for longer than that. Friend."

He comes over and hugs me. A sense of peace comes over me. A piece of my old life, restored. We hire him and he shows up every day to the studio to help work on my demo. The graduation party rehearsals begin to take up all my time. I won't have Tyler at the party since he and Xavier hate each other. That would make things worse, not only have I not contacted you, but I'm also friends again with a guy you hate? Yeah, no.

I lay on the floor of my home in the Davis Islands, exhausted. Gabrielle is running around making sure the decorations are done. The mic is laying on my chest. The band is just as tired. We can hear Gabrielle giving orders, to the people decorating.

Earlier that day I had to have my first therapy session with my mother. I will not bore you with the details. We managed not to kill each other. There was some yelling, some accusations, but nothing like the family discussion we had a couple of months ago. Somehow I left that room not needing to be numbed. I still crave, but I feel like I have better control.

"I think we should take five," I tell them. They nod their heads. I go to find Gabrielle. I find her in the bigger dining room. There is a small area that is dedicated to baby stuff. "I thought this was a graduation party."

"It is, but Ethan doesn't want two parties, but Kristin wants a gender reveal," she tells me. "No that needs to be higher." She tells one of the decorators.

"Look at you, in your element. I would think this fit you better than going to med school, like Xavier and Ethan," I told her. She looks at me.

"You know I can't. Expectations, expectations," she responds. Then yells out another direction. "I just cannot wait for tomorrow. You are coming?" I nod my head.

"Even if I could talk myself out of it, Cookie will be there, and she's already threatened my life, too," I tell her. She giggles. "This is going to look amazing."

"Yeah, just be prepared, Xavier's family is invading, seems they are willing to all come for their baby brother's graduation," she informs me. I haven't even spoken to him. I stare at his contact in my phone every day, knowing I should say something. I have no idea why I can't talk to him. I want to, but something is holding me back. Now, not only am I going to see him for the first time in months, his entire family will be in my family's mansion.

"How did you manage to tell him that the party was here, without alerting him to me being free?" I ask her.

"I told him your father wanted to give him a gift for being there for you," she tells me. "Which is the truth. Now if he thinks your home, which he probably does, that did not come out of my mouth." She crosses her arms. I know she's mad at me, but I needed to get myself back on track before I could face him.

The next day we all sit in the stands. Gabrielle and her family, Kristin, Brittany, Xavier's family, even my dad are here. My mother flew back immediately after therapy. Xavier's family, especially his mother, keep looking at me. Introductions with them were weird because they knew who I was. I still have not seen Xavier or Ethan. Kristin and Brittany screamed when they saw me, and my eardrums felt like they had been blown. I could not help but rub Kristin's belly.

We watch as the graduates walk in and take their seats. They look like ants, so it was hard to see. It was long and uneventful. Their speeches were decent as graduations go. But I was more concerned when it came time to see our graduates. My heart rate beating faster with every minute ticking away.

Then they announced they had done it. They had officially graduated. We all erupted into cheers. I had not made his senior year easy, yet he did it. We left the stands of Amalie Arena, to go find them. Gabrielle could see the fear in my face. "He's going to be happy to see you." I nod my head, still freaking out.

We get to an area where all the graduates have been let out and we search for them. It takes us a little while, but Xavier towering over most of the people made it a little bit easier. His family rushed to him. Ethan appeared right behind him, and Gabrielle with their entire army of a family nearly took him down. I didn't run. I held back as I watched both groups love them.

Ethan saw me first. "S!" He yells, causing Xavier's head to pop up and stare at me. Ethan gets through his family and hugs me. "You look awesome."

"You don't look, so bad yourself," I tell him. We smile at each other. Xavier appears next to him. I smile at him, but he does not return the smile. I go to hug him, and he stiffly hugs me. "You look good, too."

"Thanks," he answers flatly. He is angry with me. This party should be interesting.

We all get in our cars and drive to the mansion. A lot of the people that go to our school shows up for the party. The party is partially outside and in the ballroom. We hired a DJ to play when I am not performing. People are having fun and my first situation that is filled with alcohol does not have me completely anxious. The anxiety I feel is over Xavier and his cold reception of me. How am I going to perform?

We have the gender reveal first. Xavier and Gabrielle hold these canisters that have confetti for the gender color of Ethan's and Kristin's baby. The couple stands in between them waiting for the two to shoot the canisters and blast the crowd with either pink or blue confetti.

Ethan and Kristin lead us in a countdown. When they get down to one, blue confetti shoots everywhere and Ethan screams with joy. Kristin is excited, but Ethan breaks into a dance that has the entire room erupt into laughter.

"I'm having a boy!" He yells. Everyone cheers with him. He grabs Kristin and kisses her hard. In an instant, he is on one knee before her. The whole room screams louder with all the excitement. "Kristin Henrietta Poll, will you marry me and become Mrs. Cross?" She begins to cry and places one hand on her belly and another out for him to place the ring on her hand.

"Of course, yes!" She answers. He slips on the ring and lifts her in the air and kisses her again, but even harder. The room claps for joy over this beautiful life moment. The party continues, with everyone going up to them congratulating them. I find Xavier talking to one of his sisters.

"Hey! Can I talk to you?" I ask him. He does not answer me, so we stand in awkward silence for a moment.

"Later," he finally says to me. I nod my head a little angry and hurt. I roll my eyes and walk away from him. Cravings are starting to get a little strong, so I step outside for fresh air, where my band is getting ready. I just need to stay calm for this. I've gotten through therapy with my mother. I can get through this.

I am victorious, I keep saying in my head. My dad puts his hands on my shoulders.

"You good?" He asks me. I nod my head.

"I'm good. I'm just nervous to perform," I lie. He nods his head. He holds me and it's the reassurance that calms the cravings. Yes, I am loved, I remember. I don't need that stuff to feel numb. I don't need to be numb. I hear the band preparing and I get on stage to start checking my mic. My dad gets on stage with me. He chose to be one of my backup singers. I put in my earpieces. I take a deep breath.

"Class of 2019!" I yell out. Everyone starts to move towards the stage. "Congratulations. We are here to especially celebrate Ethan Cross and Xavier Watts." The crowd cheers. I see both appear. "When I met them, I knocked over someone's burger to the ground and they kept calling each other by their first initial, and I was new to town and some crazy reason Ethan thought having lunch with me would be a good idea."

The crowd laughs. "This year has been amazing with you both. Gabrielle, Ethan's sister, Xavier's best friend, thought that we needed to honor you two, and she asked me to help, so these next few songs, are dedicated to you guys."

My drummer begins the beat to We Are Young, by fun. "Give me a second I. Need to get my story straight," I begin to sing. The crowd cheers the moment my voice can be heard. They sway and clap along. The moment the chorus starts they join in singing. "Tonight. We are young. So, let's set world on fire, we can burn brighter, than the sun." Trust me when I say that I know it is a little ironic for me to be singing this, but I think it fits. It fit what all they have had to do for me. Carry me through this year.

They cheer when the song is over. The guitarist and piano immediately start, I Lived, by OneRepublic. As I sing this one, we begin to dance and jump around the stage. "I, I did it all.

I, I did it all. I owned every second that this world could give. I saw so many places, the things that I did. Yeah with every broken bone. I swear I lived," we all sing out. I watch the crowd, and everyone is enjoying themselves, except Xavier. I look away, pretending like I don't see him.

When the song ends, my father positions himself next to me.

"You guys have been so good. Now, a lot of you don't know, but this is my father. James Alexander. He is the reason music is everything that I am. He is going to help me sing the next two songs. One song, Gabrielle and I drove Ethan and Xavier nuts with," the audience laughs. "The second song, because I found my dad's name in a certain someone's Spotify playlist, I figured having him sing a song that he was a part of when I was a kid would be awesome."

The audience cheers, and then they get quiet. They move back as these dancers moved forward. Gabrielle had to be extra. My dad raises the mic to his mouth. "Now I've had the time of my life. No, I never felt like this before. Yes, I swear it's the truth. And I owe it all to you"

"'Cause I've had the time of my life. And I owe it all to you," I sing when it's my part. The dancers begin to dance the familiar choreography from Dirty Dancing, and Ethan bursts out laughing, while the rest of the group enjoys the performance. I wished I could do the dance, but I have other times to do it, so I enjoy singing with my father. The crowd loves every second of it, some of them doing a little bit of dirty dancing.

When the saxophone player comes out, my dad and I dance with each other a little bit. When the song ends everyone cheers and whistles can be heard. When they calm down. The dancers leave the floor after a bow and the backup singers stand up next to me with my father. We rehearsed this song over, and over, making sure we harmonized to it. Seasons of Love from Rent.

I also picked this song, not just because my father had been a part of the cast at one point, but because it dealt with drug abuse. Opioid addiction specifically, and AIDS. When we got closer to the end of the song, I began to do the adlibs. "Measure, measure your life in love." My voice whistled holding onto the note for love. The crowd clapped at my vocal ability.

I stare out into the crowd. They all have been enjoying themselves so far. The backup singers and my father move behind me, so the spotlight is on me, again. I find Xavier is still standing there. He's the only one who seems not to be happy by the performance. I take a deep breath.

"I want to finish this, by congratulating Ethan and Kristin. This next song fits the mood, but I picked it not because of them, but because of Xavier," everyone claps when I say his name. I can see the discomfort growing in him. "This song, I chose to cover on my demo that I am currently recording. It can express what I need to say better, than what I need to say."

"Let me know, let me know. Let me know, let me know. Let me know," I sing very breathy. The band begins to play for At Your Best (You Are Loved) by Aaliyah. The crowd begins to sway back and forth as I sing the verses to the song. I ignore them this time and I focus only on him. I channel my best nineties diva, "But at your best you are love. You're a positive motivating force within my life. Should you ever feel the need to wonder why. Let me know, let me know."

I can see Xavier's face as he listens to me express myself. His face looks like stone. There is no expression. I hope it is melting whatever anger he has been feeling towards me. I am lasered focus on him because I picked it solely for him. "But when you feel, oh, like I feel. Confusion can give way to doubt. And there are times when I fall short of what I say, what I say I'm all about, all about."

"See, stay at your best, baby," I sing closing the performance. The crowd erupts into their final cheer. I take a bow. I turn and present the band and they all stand and bow. With a massive smile, we all take a final bow. I look up to see Xavier is no longer where he once was. I get off the stage quickly. Craning my neck to see where he could have gone. Instead, I have people rushing towards me to ask me questions.

I try to be short with them, needing to get to Xavier. When I can finally escape, I run inside my home and go looking for him. I can't find him anywhere, but I know he's still there. I look at the cellar door in the kitchen. I head to the cellar to see if he went in there. He's looking at the bottles in there.

"You were amazing," he says without looking at me. He picks up a bottle and reads the label. I look around, not being in here since the fentanyl incident. "I was just remembering being in here with you during Thanksgiving."

"I remember, you stopped me from drinking that night," I say to him. He nods his head, still not looking at me. I look around at the bottles, it feels claustrophobic in here.

"Your dad has expensive taste," he says. He puts the bottle back and turns around to face me finally. The stony look he had, is still there. "You should've stayed away."

"Kind of hard when a graduation party is thrown at my family's home," I say to him. I step forward and he steps back. "I'm sorry."

"I hate that word," Xavier responds in a growl.

"So, what do you want me to do?" I ask him. I nervously nibble on my lip. "I meant every word I sang up there." He chuckles.

"Yet, you can't bother to say a word to me? You think I didn't know you were home. I waited, and nothing," he calmly says, it's a little frightening. The look on his face, the look I never wanted to see, again.

"I...I needed," I try to say.

"You needed what? Space? I told you to tell me when you got home, and you didn't. And now you expect to just walk back into my life like you didn't lie to me?" He says in the same tone. Tears begin to roll down my cheek and I have no idea what to say to him. "You are the same scared girl, who told me she didn't want to be friends. Congratulations on your sobriety by the way."

He begins to walk towards me, and brushes past me and leaves me in the cellar. I stare at the bottles. No, I will not ruin what I've started. I turn around and exit as fast as possible. I rush back to the ballroom, but before I can get there, Carmen stands in front of me.

"I told you, he'd hate you one day," she taunts. My eyes blaze with fire. I want to knock this little woman over, so bad. "You are me."

I smile at her. "If that is the best you can do, you better try harder. I will never be you," I tell her. I run past her and go outside. I run to the edge of the property. The place where Xavier's hardshell towards me began to melt. I sit at the edge. My feet dangling over. The fresh breeze feels exhilarating and I need it so much, as the tears pour out of me. I sob there, in the dark.

"S, what's wrong?" I hear Ethan say to me. I look up and wipe away the tears from my face. "First Xavier and now you're crying. What happened?"

"I broke my promise to him," I say. He sits down next to me.

"Yes, that sounds about right. We never told you how we met him," he says to me. I look at him. "I know me and him are the same age and we are really close, but he met El at an art camp after he had just moved down here."

"I didn't know that," I answer.

"Yeah, he was quiet, and you know El. Imposes herself on everyone. It was a weekend when parents were visiting to see what they were working on. His parents had promised to come, but his mom did something and caused his father not to be able to go either. She said she saw him heartbroken, and our mom pretended to be his mom that day. This is how it's always been. His family breaks promises, ours swoops in and saves the day. It's amazing they are all here."

I turn my head towards the party. "I didn't know."

"Yeah. You want to get on his s**t list, break a promise. We've all done it once. He just needs his sketchpad. He uses that thing only when he's pissed or worried," he tells me. That explains why I saw him sketching when I went through withdrawal and the fentanyl incident.

"I have been no better than his family," I whisper. Ethan nods his head.

"Don't worry. Give him space. I fight with Kristin all the time, and you see what happened today," he says with a massive smile.

I smile at him. "Congrats again and thank you, I'll give him space."