If I Were Her

Chapter 18

She stood still, her eyes moving slowly over her surroundings, trying to make sense of it. The place was crowded. People moved around her in all directions, brushing past without apology, their voices overlapping into a noise she couldn’t separate.

Music played somewhere in the distance.

She frowned slightly.

This didn’t make sense.

She didn’t remember coming here.

She turned, scanning faces, expecting to recognize someone. Anyone. But no one looked familiar. Not even a little.

A shoulder knocked into hers.

She stepped back, steadying herself, her gaze sharpening now.

“Sorry,” she muttered automatically, even though the person was already gone.

Something about it felt off.

Like she had missed something important.

Like she was supposed to be with someone.

Her chest tightened slightly at the thought.

She turned again, slower this time, taking it all in properly—the bright colors, the rides in the distance, the long stretch of people moving in uneven lines.

An amusement park.

The realization came quietly.

But it didn’t settle.

Because she still didn’t know why she was there.

Or who she had come with.

She reached for her phone out of habit.

Nothing.

Her hand came up empty.

That was when she noticed it.

Her fingers looked smaller.

She paused.

Her breathing slowed, like her body was trying to catch up to something her mind hadn’t fully processed yet.

She looked down at herself.

The clothes were wrong.

Too small.

No—she was smaller.

Her stomach dropped.

And just like that, it clicked.

Her chest tightened, sharper this time.

“No…” she murmured under her breath.

She turned quickly, her eyes scanning the crowd again, but now there was urgency in it.

“Mum?”

Her voice came out thinner than she expected.

Higher.

She swallowed.

“Ava?”

Nothing.

People kept moving.

Someone brushed past her again, harder this time, and she stumbled slightly, catching herself.

“Mum?” she tried again, louder.

A woman glanced at her briefly before looking away.

Iris stepped forward, reaching out instinctively to stop the next person that passed.

“Please—have you seen my mum? Or my sister?”

The man barely slowed down.

“No, sorry.”

He was already gone before she could say anything else.

She turned again, faster now, her eyes darting across faces.

“Mum?”

Her voice didn’t sound right.

Didn’t sound like hers.

“Excuse me—please—”

She stopped a woman this time, her hand gripping lightly onto her arm before she could walk past.

“Have you seen my mum? She was just here—”

“Who are you looking for, young girl?” the woman asked, her tone distracted more than concerned.

“My mum—my sister—we were together—”

The woman gently pulled her arm free.

“Stay in one place,” she said. “I’m sure they’ll find you.”

And then she walked away.

Iris stood there for a second, her hands slowly dropping to her sides.

Stay in one place.

She tried.

She really tried.

But the people kept moving. The noise didn’t stop. Every second felt like it stretched longer than it should.

What if they didn’t come back?

The thought slipped in before she could stop it.

“No…” she whispered, shaking her head slightly.

She turned again, quicker now, scanning faces, searching harder.

“Mum—Ava—”

Her voice cracked on the second name.

She grabbed the next person that passed.

“Please, I’m lost, I can’t find my—”

“I don’t understand,” the woman said quickly, pulling away with a frown.

“I don’t—please—”

The woman was already gone.

Another person passed.

A man this time.

“Please—have you seen—”

He shook his head before she could finish.

“No English,” he said, already moving.

Iris stood there, her chest rising and falling too fast now.

The crowd didn’t feel like people anymore.

Just movement.

Just noise.

She turned in a slow circle, her eyes searching desperately, but everything looked the same now. The same colors. The same faces. The same paths that didn’t lead anywhere.

“Mum…”

Softer this time.

Like she already knew.

Iris woke up with her heart pounding.

Her hair clung to the side of her face, damp against her skin, the back of her shirt sticking to her. She lay still for a moment, staring at the ceiling, her breathing uneven as it slowly settled.

It wasn’t new.

It hadn’t been for a long time.

She just didn’t wake up screaming anymore

She reached for her phone without thinking.

6:47

The numbers sat there for a second before she fully registered them. Her body still felt heavy, like it hadn’t caught up with the fact that she was awake now.

Iris pushed herself up slowly, her back resting against the wall as she dragged a hand over her face.

It was quiet.

Too quiet compared to where she had just been.

She exhaled, steadying herself, then unlocked her phone again and pulled up her timetable.

Her eyes scanned it once.

Then again.

Her first class wasn’t until three.

She stared at it for a moment, doing the quick calculation in her head. If she moved now—if she didn’t waste time—she could still make it in for the morning shift.

The thought settled easily.

She swung her legs off the bed.

The water ran hotter than usual.

Iris stood under it longer than she needed to, letting it hit the back of her neck, her shoulders, washing away the last traces of sleep that still clung to her. Her hair clung to her skin as she stepped out, wrapping a towel around herself without much thought.

By the time she got back into her room, she already felt more like herself.

She moved around with familiarity, pulling open drawers, picking through what she needed without hesitation. When she got to her scrubs, she paused.

Her fingers brushed past pink first.

Then black.

She hesitated on the dark blue for a second before moving it aside.

Sky blue.

She pulled it out.

Her hair took a little more effort.

She stood in front of the mirror, gathering it up, smoothing it back. A few strands slipped loose near the front, and she left them, not bothering to fix it further.

Good enough.

The house was already awake by the time she stepped out.

The faint clatter of dishes came from the kitchen, along with the low hum of morning routine that never really changed.

Iris slowed slightly as she walked in.

Her mum stood by the counter, focused on something in front of her, not noticing her immediately.

Iris didn’t say anything at first. She just stepped closer, leaning in enough to press a quick kiss to her cheek.

“I’m heading out,” she said

Her mum turned then, a small smile forming like it always did.

“So early?”

“I’ve got a shift.”

Her mum’s expression shifted almost immediately.

“You’re not walking.”

Iris paused, already halfway turned.

“It’s not far.”

“Iris.”

That was all it took.

She stopped properly this time, glancing back.

“It’s early,” her mum continued, her tone calmer now but no less firm. “Use one of the cars.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“That’s what you said yesterday.”

Iris didn’t respond.

“You came in at 7:06,” her mum added, like she’d been waiting to say it. “Your curfew is seven.”

“It was six minutes.”

“And you didn’t call. Or text.” A small pause. “You can’t keep forgetting.”

Iris exhaled quietly, shifting the strap of her bag higher on her shoulder.

“I didn’t forget.”

Her mum gave her a look.

Iris held it for a second, then looked away.

“I’ll text next time.”

Another pause.

“Take the car,” her mum said again, softer this time, but still firm.

Iris hesitated.

“I can send the driver—”

“No,” Iris cut in immediately, before she could finish.

Her mum stopped.

Iris didn’t explain.

Her mum studied her for a moment, then sighed lightly.

“Okay,” she said instead. “Take the car yourself then.”

Iris nodded once.

“Okay.”

Her mum’s expression eased just slightly.

“Good.”

Iris reached for the keys where they sat on the counter. She didn’t say anything else as she turned toward the door.

“Drive safe,” her mum called after her.

“I will.”

And then she was out.

______________

The health center was already busy when Iris arrived.

Lights on. Curtains drawn halfway. The faint smell of antiseptic that never fully left no matter how often they cleaned.

She signed in at the desk, slipped her bag under the counter, and moved into routine.

There was always something to do.

Even when it looked quiet.

She was straightening the vitals trolley when the door opened.

“Morning,” she said without looking up.

“Morning.”

That voice made her pause briefly before she turned.

Ethan.

He had a careful way of standing like he was choosing where to place himself in the room.

Her eyes went to his temple automatically.

“Dressing change?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Okay, sit.”

He did.

Iris pulled the vitals machine closer and began the routine without overthinking it. The cuff wrapped around his arm, the monitor clicked to life.

There was a comfort in repetition.

A familiarity in not needing to think too hard.

The numbers started to settle on the screen.

“You’re early,” she said casually.

“Couldn’t sleep,” he replied.

Iris hummed softly, not pressing.

The machine beeped once. She noted the reading on his file.

Ethan leaned back slightly in the chair, eyes drifting around the room for a moment before coming back to her.

“You look like you didn’t sleep either,” he said.

“I did,” she replied automatically.

He gave a faint half-smile. “That’s what people say when they didn’t.”

Iris glanced at him briefly.

“I slept.”

He didn’t argue.

Silence settled again.

She adjusted the cuff, checking the second reading.

“You said you slipped from the stairs?” she asked lightly, almost absentminded.

A beat.

“Yeah,” he said.

Iris nodded once, eyes still on the screen.

She didn’t react.

Didn’t need to.

The truth of it had already been sitting in her head since Ava’s careless sentence days ago.

And she didn’t do anything with it.

Because it wasn’t hers to do anything with.

The nurse in charge passed behind them, glancing at the chart.

“Dressing will be done shortly,” she said.

Ethan nodded. “Okay.”

Iris removed the cuff and recorded the final reading in his file.

“All done,” she said.

He stood slowly.

For a second, he lingered.

“You’re free after this?” he asked.

“I’ve got work,” she said.

A pause.

“Right.”

He nodded.

“See you.”

“Yeah,” she said.

He left.

The door clicked softly behind him.

Iris didn’t look up immediately. She just finished returning the file to its place, aligning it properly with the others.

Then she stopped.

Her hand stayed on the edge of the counter for a second longer than necessary.

Then she picked up her phone.

Opened Snapchat.

Ethan’s name sat there.

She stared at it for a moment.

Aware.

Of him.

Of Ava.

Of where she stood in between without ever stepping into it properly.

Her thumb hovered.

Then tapped.

Unfriend.

No hesitation after that.

She locked her phone immediately and set it face down on the counter.

“Next patient,” she said quietly.

And went back to work.