Black Roses

Broken Puzzle

“That day, I went up to her, when I saw her face... that day, she was standing there, innocently… they were telling me, “just do it”, “do it, I dare you”… they kept telling me, if you don’t, if you don’t do it, then, well, then they’d do it anyway… so, so I told her, I told her what I had done… “I’M SORRY, I’M SORRY” I repeated myself over and over, “I’M SORRY, I’M SO SORRY”, I went to tell her, I was trying to just explain it, I wanted to, I don’t know why, I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t explain it, I just, I didn’t know how else to do it… I rolled up my jacket sleeve… I showed her… I shouldn’t have done it, I shouldn’t have f*****g done it… she stood still, looked at me her eyes filled with water…

I rolled it up and faced her direction… her face, her face just fell…. “Why do you keep doing this?” she yelled at me, “Why do you keep doing this to me???” she asked over and over, “I don’t know I am sorry” I didn’t know, know what to say, or, or do…. I just, I looked at her, she looked away, she begun to walk… I followed after her, “look, just, please, don’t, don’t say anything…”

“Why’d you show me? Huh? Why me? Why is it always me? You keep dragging, dragging me into this, I DON’T WANT TO BE PART OF IT…” she flipped, I knew I shouldn’t have...

but, they made me, they were so loud, so loud, inside me, in my head, in my dreams, when I’d sleep, when I’d laugh, I couldn’t get away, “you’re no good enough” they told me, they said to me, “she doesn’t want you, she never will….” I told them to just shut up, I yelled at them, telling them to back away, get away from me, but they, they didn’t go, they knew they’d get me… “You know she doesn’t care….” That's what got me, that, that’s what made me, well, do this…

But, now, now I know, I know what I did, I know what I should have done, I regret everything that ever happened… I regret it all, I just, I don’t want to, I mean, I can’t admit it out loud, but inside of me, it is so clear, I know what I’ve done, I can see the mess I’ve created once again, I know that, I keep messing it up, for myself, for everyone, I can’t help but be, be the problem, in everybody’s stinkin’ lives…

They tell me to be me, they tell me to be me but with terms and conditions, they tell me, I can be who I wanna be as long as I follow the rules, I can be me but first, first I need to be told that there are things, things that you can’t be, things that make a difference, things that cause too much chaos, things that change humanity and break the rules that we are meant to follow… “Ware your hair like this”, “no, you have to be skinny, those jeans won’t fit you forever otherwise…”, “what do you mean? You can’t like girls, not If you too are a girl… it’s not right”, they tell you to be you, but they tell you exactly how to do it so that you’re perfect…

Then suddenly

There, it was, it was all out… tears streamed down my face… “I’m sorry” I continued to repeat in my head... all I wanted was to be next to her, to be hugging her, for her to be hugging me… I just wanted to talk to her…

Now, now it’s been 6 months since I last saw her, but she’s all I can think of, her voice, her face, the way she looked, the way she walked, the way she talked, the things she’d say, how she laughed and how her hair fell over her face, then all I can think is everything that I did to hurt her, and I didn’t mean, I didn’t mean to, I mean I never really meant to hurt her, or anyone else… I never really wanted to cause so much trouble, and I’ve tried to, well, I’ve tried to do things, making me feel something, wanting to feel, anything, just something, wanting the pain to go away and finally just be happy, for once not have any problems. but then I realise the world is a mother fricking b***h and doesn’t show sympathy….

When I stood there, alone, in the cold darkness, voices in my head, telling me, telling me to just, just do it, why won’t you do it? I stood there, at least 15 minutes, waiting, waiting for the train to come, I was walking, walking along the tracks, music blasting through my ears, and right there, at that moment in time, everything, everything just, juts stopped, it all froze, and I wanted to stay there, I wanted to stay frozen… I stood there, in the middle, waiting for something to happen, but nothing, I balanced on the tracks that the train runs over wondering, just wondering what it would be like, what it would be like to finally be gone, to final be nothing, finally I wouldn’t be a problem, for anyone, no one would have to deal with me…

Sometimes, sometimes I walk, I walk down that street… remembering when you were outside, you were waiting, for me, you saved my life that day… you took me in, you, YOU, invited me into your life, YOU got me into it… YOU, YOU, f*****g YOU…

Everything always has to be about you, everywhere I go, everyone I talk to, it’s always about you…. Beth, it is always about you, never once was it about me… no, no, no, it was all about you, little miss perfect, little miss I have it all, little miss awesome, little miss popular, little miss everything…

So now, now you have to deal with me, you have to deal with this, because you started it, so why don’t you finish it off?!”

Calling Beth’s phone Avalon paced back and forth back and forth by the old rusted brown chair that sat by the grass of her backyard… wanting to go, knowing that hearing the voice of an angel might help… hearing a familiar sound could save a life… but there was no answer… there are so many way sit could have gone, so many different scenarios, but this, this particular scenario, was not one I’d have picked personally, because I like the one where everyone is happy, everyone is good, nothing could possibly go wrong, but this wouldn’t be a story if there weren’t some sort of climax, right?

Avalon knew what she needed to do, and she was ready to do it. Chills ran up and down her spine sending shivers all over her already frozen body, still as a rock she stood in the corner of the bathroom. Where was everyone? Why weren’t they here? She thought in her head. Thoughts filled her head as her mind span in erotic circles, she made the decision to call again, just in case this time, this time maybe Bethany would answer… after listening to every ring of the phone Avalon fell in tears to the ground covering her mouth as she couldn’t help but let the water leak out of her eyes. Alone, scared of what was about to happen she clenched the floor boards beneath her tighter than she’d ever gripped anything in her life.

After the phone no longer rang Avalon brought herself to standing, wobbly and shaking she walked herself to the sink of the dim lighted bathroom where she gripped the edges firmly shakily lifting her arms, staring down the bottle of sleeping tablets that sat in the still in the almost empty cupboard.

Then the phone buzzed. Mascara running down her face, makeup everywhere, she turned on the cold-water tap cupping her hands, collecting the water, splashing it over her face, tears dripping form her eyes running down her warm checks dropping onto the ground under her. Picking up her phone from the ground where she left it last, she answered the call trying to hold all the emotion back, failing to do so Avalon c****d her head to the side gulping down some water from the tap as she took one deep breath, “Hello?” asked the girl form the opposite end of the phone call, “Hello? Who is this?” the voice sounded angelic, like someone sent form heaven.

“Yeah… this… this is...” Avalon could barely get any words out, she tried holding back, she tried so hard but couldn’t do it.

“Avalon?” the girl asked politely.

“Yeah….” There was a long pause in the line, “Goodbye” Avalon said after a minute of silence then the phone ended, she put down the phone and stood still, hunched over the bathroom sink, alone, in tears wondering why, why she was feeling this way.