Chapter 13 Chad
1563 Words
It’s not what you think, he said.
He didn’t have to explain. I wasn’t going to get mad at him. I
didn’t care about what he was doing. I was too f*****g tired for
that. I just wanted to go straight to my bed and rest. Hopefully, I’d fall asleep
soon and forget about this bad, bad day when I’d wake up.
I didn’t even acknowledge he was there. I just removed my shoes and
proceeded to my bed.
“Chad... talk to me, please,” Alex pleaded. Jesus! He was thinking that I
was ignoring him on purpose. “I wasn’t going to use them...”
“Please, Alex, not now,” I told him as I tucked myself underneath my
blanket. “I just want to be alone for a bit.”
“Oh, okay,” he replied with a hint of relief. “Sorry.”
Silence followed for a couple of minutes, allowing me to empty my
thoughts and ready myself for a (hopefully) deep slumber.
But then, Alex spoke once more. “Chad?” he called my attention.
“Yeah what?” I asked without bothering to hide my annoyance.
“Uhm... I just have to tell you. I’m leaving.”
“Okay. Don’t forget your keys. I don’t wanna wake up to open the door
for you later.”
“That’s... That’s not what I mean. I’m leaving, Chad. I’m going back to
Greenville.”
He’s what?!
I quickly got out of bed, reeling from the shock that he just delivered.
“Going back to Greenville?” I confronted him. “It’s not even spring break
yet.”
“I have to go back home,” he said morosely as he sat on his bed facing
me.
“You still got school,” I reminded him.
“I’ve decided not to continue with my studies here.”
“You mean you’re quitting,” I bluntly replied.
“That’s one way of putting it.”
“But why?”
“Things aren’t just working out here.”
“Is this because of what happened... you know... last week?” I had to ask.
I didn’t want to be part of the reason why he’s dropping out of the university.
“No,” he answered, only to take it back almost immediately thereafter.
“Uhm... I mean... that’s just part of it. A small part, really.” His voice was
shaking. It was clear that he was lying.
“Oh my God, Alex! I know we haven’t gotten the chance to talk about
what transpired that night, but come on, man. Let’s talk about it. Right now.
Let’s clear things up. Let’s make things right. You don’t have to leave school
because of that.”
Alex wiped his nose with his forearm as he began to snivel. He cries so
fucking easily! I guessed that’s how he was and there was no point in
expecting him to change.
“I told you, it’s not only that,” he reiterated. “That’s... That’s just a tiny
part of it. It really doesn’t even matter, actually.”
“Well, if it ain’t that, then what other reasons would push you to quit,
dude?” I demanded to know.
“Just... everything,” he answered, sounding like a defeated man. “I’m not
cut out for city life. School’s not easy. I’m having a hard time making
friends. Every day requires some new adjustments. And...” he paused as he
started to sob.
“And?” I egged him to continue.
“Nothing,” he tried to wiggle out of the subject.
“You gotta tell me, man. I need to know.”
“Why? Why do you need to know?”
I swallowed some air as I tried to muster enough courage to reply.
“Because I care about you,” I said.
Because I care about you.
It sounded so f*****g cheesy. Every syllable actually made me cringe.
But I knew those were the words that he wanted to hear. Those were the
words that he needed to hear. And, most probably, those were the words that
would make him change his mind.
An immense pressure weighed upon my heart after uttering them,
however, like an unusually heavy anchor that threatened to sink the ship that
it was supposed to moor. No, it wasn’t guilt. It wasn’t remorse. It wasn’t even
the pain of lying.
It was the exact opposite.
I wasn’t lying. I told him the truth. I really cared for him.
Alex stared at me with disbelief with his widened eyes completely red
from the tears he was trying to suppress. “You... care for me?” he wanted to
know if he heard me correctly.
“Yeah, I do,” I confirmed. “So please, tell me... why’re you quitting?”
“Because... Because I’m a coward, Chad,” he answered as he began to
weep even louder. “I’m a goddamn coward! I... I tried to look for a job since
I got here. They were simple jobs. Too f*****g simple... and I couldn’t even
get them!”
“Eh? That’s it?” was all I could say. His reason sounded really shallow.
“Chad... they were very simple jobs!” he emphasized.
“But simplicity is relative. What’s simple for one may not be that simple
for another,” I attempted to reassure him. “Surely, those jobs merely required
specialized skillsets which you don’t possess.”
“Molding pizza dough requires a specialized skillset?”
“Well... not everyone has well-coordinated fingers.”
“Operating a laundry machine requires a specialized skillset?”
“Errr... uhm... you couldn’t operate a laundry machine?” I haphazardly
asked. I didn’t know if he was serious about that one. I mean... who couldn’t
turn on a washing machine?
“See?” he responded with much agitation. “I’m such a freaking i***t! I
freeze up whenever I’m confronted with stress. I failed those job applications
because my body couldn’t move when they wanted me to show what I could
do...”
“Like operating a laundry machine?” I just couldn’t get over it.
“Yeah! That was so embarrassing!”
“And you’re quitting? Because you weren’t able to operate a laundry
machine?” I kept repeating that fact with the hope that it would make him
realize how absurd a reason it was for leaving school.
“Among other things.”
“Like what else?”
“I... I got an F for a really important exam.”
“Jesus! That sucks!”
“It does. It’s a third of the computation for the final grade, and it’s for a
five unit subject. It’s basically beyond repair. I’ll fail that class and I
wouldn’t have enough GWPA to qualify for next semester.”
“So you’d rather quit now instead of waiting to be kicked out?”
“Yes.”
I stood up and sat right next to him. I wanted him to hear and remember
what I was about to say. “Alex... you’re not a coward for failing to make a
pizza dough. You’re not a coward for failing to operate a damn washing
machine. You’re not a coward for f*****g up opportunities because you get
too scared. You’re not a coward for getting an F for one subject. No. That
ain’t cowardice. That’s life. Sometimes, you get a bad hand dealt to you.
That’s just how things go. It’s the human condition. We all have our
weaknesses, and life is about trying to overcome them. You know what
makes you a real coward though? Quitting. Quitting when life ain’t about
giving up. Life’s about rolling with the punches, not abandoning the fucking
fight.”
He lifted his head to meet my gaze. He wasn’t crying anymore.
Somehow, my words penetrated him and he realized that he was about to do
something that he would regret for the rest of his life.
That made me happy.
And that made me come to a realization of my own.
Those words that I’ve said... f*****g hell, I don’t even talk like that! I
was never that serious, never that introspective, and never that responsible.
Responsible.
I haven’t felt responsible for anything for quite some time now. I’ve taken
so many things for granted - my family, my friends, my job.
That’s it!
That’s exactly it!
Much as I hated to admit it, but Luis was right. I’ve become a different
man a few years after they’ve hired me. I lost something. I lost something
and it wasn’t passion or inspiration or creativity. No. I lost the impetus to be
responsible... for myself, for my life, for my work... and everything suffered
because of it.
That’s what I needed to get back!
And Alex, with his weird ways and fragile personality, was the one who
made me understand that.
Responsibility.
I had Alex to thank for it.
And maybe... maybe he’s also the key to getting it back.
“I don’t know, Chad,” Alex mumbled, still sniffing. “That laundry
machine incident, it’s pretty hard to forget that. I mean... that was
horrifyingly humiliating. A laundry machine? Even a kid can operate it.”
“Yes,” I told him softly with a knowing smile. “A kid can operate it. But
not a baby.”
- Writer
